whereisthelight Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I have a question...Its a genuine question to help me figure things out. I have a STBX, that is living with his OW. its been at least two years that i am waiting for my papers to be finalized. He is stalling. Not me. Could it be possible, that his OW finds me to be a threat? I didn't think it could be as she is the one who "got to have him". He made a choice of walking away with her...from me and our family. how could i be considered a threat? Why would he state that he is happy and at the same time not sign our divorce papers? have any of you been with a MM and gone through this? am i making any sense?
Lookingforward Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Because once the papers are signed, he has no excuse to hand the OW as to why he can't/won't marry HER. I bet she thinks you're the one holding up the D.
Author whereisthelight Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 thanks so much for replying. I have thought about that. He keeps saying that he's happy but I've known him for over 20 years. He doesn't look too happy. Sometimes i just think that he's lost his mind. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know how his OW puts up with it. I also get the impression that "I" am the cause for most of the stress in his relationship. Now that's hard to belive.
Adunaphel Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Could it be possible, that his OW finds me to be a threat? I didn't think it could be as she is the one who "got to have him". He made a choice of walking away with her...from me and our family. how could i be considered a threat? I think it's very normal for the OW to consider you a threat until the divorce is finalized - chances are that you'll still be considered a threat even after the divorce if your STBXH and you keep communicating with each other. It's even more normal to regard you as a threat if he could have divorced some time ago - and still hasn't. Why would he state that he is happy and at the same time not sign our divorce papers? Perhaps he is having second thoughts now that he got to see the green grass on the other side more closely. He might be realizing that OW makes not a better partner than you did. Do you have any children? He might be having second thoughts because he is worried about them. Sorry if this sounds bad, but could be there any financial worries in play? Any chances he wants to keep the door not completely close in case he finds out he can't afford to be with OW? Anyway, what lookingforward says makes perfect sense. Would you take him back?
DealingWDrama Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I think he is stalling because he doesn't want to have to committ to anyone or anything...he is being selfish. With legal ties to you he does not have to give other excuses to the OW as to why he will not legalize their relationship. You will always be a threat to her - ALWAYS. You are the mother of his children...he actually married you...you have 20 years of history together...and she knows he is able to be unfaithful, so even if you are done with him, that doesn't mean that there won't be another OW out there who will turn his head away from her.
Ronni_W Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I think it's very normal for the OW to consider you a threat until the divorce is finalized ...in which case, he may be using his unsigned divorce papers as a way to control and manipulate HER...as well as to retain (real or perceived) power over you. By not signing, he's the only one NOT losing self-confidence, respect, esteem, etc. Maybe that does give him a sense of satisfaction/happiness -- believe him when he says that he IS happy.
Author whereisthelight Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Adun, yes, we do have children. his relationship with them is not too great. and to be honest, I really don't think I would take him back. How would I ever trust him again. its horrible to have to live with that. Why not take my chances with someone else. EVERY relationship will go through good times and bad. its up to your partner to decide (and you) if its worth it to stick around. will he have a backbone to say, "Geez, the grass over there looks so much greener! But I know that what i have her on this brown patch of grass is worth it. So I'm going to work it through" isnt it so much easier to just walk away, than untangle a horrible mess? Whatever, what can i do. Nothing. He says he is happy, but I know that he is not.
Adunaphel Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I wonder what his reaction will be once you meet an interesting man and start a relationship with him!
Author whereisthelight Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 Adun, funny you should say that. One time he saw me on a date. and the next day we got into a fight. So, I can just imagine. He will have to go through everything i am going through. maybe.. maybe...it won't bother him because he does not have feelings for me. Sometimes its hard for me to figure out if he does have feelings for me now.
Billie63 Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I've come across this time and time again with my divorced friends. That when it comes to it, it's the husband who finds it hard to relinquish any remaining link with his ex-wife. I think it's a man thing - they still want 'rights' over you and to keep the door open. And he can't stand the idea of you moving on and maybe getting involved with another man - it will drive him berserk. My ex should be as happy as larry with his new girl. But no, he continues to sexually flirt with me (graphically) tell me how much he misses me, how I understand him better than anyone etc, but he knows better than to even suggest we get back together cos he knows it wouldn't work. However, if I gave him the come on he'd be like a rat up a drainpipe. I'm sure his new woman thinks she's the greatest new thing in his life - if she only knew the emails and phone calls and texts he's sending to me.
Adunaphel Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 If you do not mind me asking, would you rather know that he still has feelings for you and he is wondering whether he made a mistake, or that he is sure he does not want to get back together with you?
Author whereisthelight Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 That is a really good question. At times, he has made it clear that he does not want to get back together. He is mean. He does not say goodbye, he does not say hello at the kids' games. I hear him say mean things about me. i hear him say how happy he is. He tells me that he may marry the OW. He lives with her for crying out loud. he takes her on trips. he defends her. Other times, he does things like call me and cry on my shoulder about the stresses of life. he is kind. he helps me with things i can't fix. he is generous. (my gosh...writing this all down makes me wonder how i have not gone insane?) So, here is the deal. Deep down..I think he misses our family times. I sometimes feel that he misses me. (IS THAT NUTS? did i just write something really stupid? i dont know..) But the truth is that if he were to come today and knock on the door and tell me that this is true...it would mean that my next delimma would be if i would take him back. That would open up a horrible mean can of worms. Could i trust him? Will he leave me again? What about the OW? Will he be thinking about her when we are together? Will he regret leaving her?! It seems to me that I would be better off convincing myself that he does not want to get back together. This way, i am free to continue my life with a clean slate (so to speak). I can continue to take as much time as I want to heal from all the hurt and from all the deception. I've been able to show myself that I can really do a lot more than I thought. I've been able to take care of a house. pay some bills. work on my career and raise two children. I'm generally much happier than he is right now. The only problem is that maybe i'm the only one who keeps looking over my shoulder. I keep looking for him. its like i try to move on and skip into a field of flowers and I keep hearing this bell. He is the bell and the noise of this bell is driving me nuts. Its driving me to spill my guts on the web and hang on to the words of my new cyber friends. Hoping to hear from them..that i'm not nuts.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Let's say he DID come back - I would hope you DEMAND that he do one on one counselling and fix himself, want to make changes so he's an all around 'nicer and more considerate' person, NOT just when he feels like it. Right now he's selfish and thinks the world revolves around him. I think him not signing the papers and stalling on the D just means he isn't really ready to start his new life with the OW. If you two D, then there's no reason for them NOT to get married. He probably doesn't have the coping skills, let alone the conversational skills to communicate to his OW that he is just happy living together and doesn't want to get married again. Anyway, just my 2 cents - You don't want him back. Sure he's familiar, and all, but he has ALOT of faults, and he has hurt you deeply. Not sure if after so long you can ever trust him again...UNLESS he is willing to work his ass off in therapy and also do marriage counselling with you. Might be better off being good friends and co-parents together, have a nice repour for one another, but that's it.
Author whereisthelight Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 thanks, I guess we will see. The D papers have been promised to me soon. So once that comes in I will have my papers to set me free. Kinda. He will have to decide what he makes of his life. My mother tries to remind me everyday that he is no longer my problem. He is her problem. And you hit it right on when you stated he has a communication problem. It was our biggest problem. he never knew how to talk to me. When we went to therapy, he resented being taught. he thought it was too much work. It was easier to walk away and revert back to cave man qualities.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I have a question...Its a genuine question to help me figure things out. I have a STBX, that is living with his OW. its been at least two years that i am waiting for my papers to be finalized. He is stalling. Not me. Could it be possible, that his OW finds me to be a threat? I didn't think it could be as she is the one who "got to have him". He made a choice of walking away with her...from me and our family. how could i be considered a threat? Why would he state that he is happy and at the same time not sign our divorce papers? have any of you been with a MM and gone through this? am i making any sense? Quite the opposite here. Have you asked him why he's holding everything up? Or do you want to stay married to him?
HappyAtLast Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 A divorce CAN take place even if one of the spouses does not want one. You've been waiting three years you said? Seriously? What does it matter what his OW thinks? If you want a divorce, get one.
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