Why It Hurts

[Mike B.]

I asked myself several days ago why does it hurt when one is getting over a loved one who has left them for some reason. In a way, it almost feel like the death of a close relative. Instead of feeling the pain of a lost relative in the core of your being, the loss of a romance seem to be concentrated in your heart, an organ that is simply used to pump oxygen-containing blood throughout your body.

 

But this appears to be an over-simplification for the heart. It is like saying the brain is simply used to control the rest of your body. Many of us understand that our brain also has the intangible mechanism of thought and these thoughts is what drives the pain in the heart during a break up from a relationship. So somehow, it seem as if you can control the thoughts, you can control the pain.

 

 

What is the physiology behind this? Do the thoughts cause a substance to be released from the brain and this substance has some sort of pain receptor in the heart that causes us to feel the pain?

 

Physical pain allows us to be aware that something is wrong. How else would you know that you fractured the bone in your arm and need to take special care of it if it was not for that awful nagging pain that you feel after you injure it?

 

 

I recall a conversation with a colleague of mine a few months back. He believes that humans are not meant to be monogomous. He attempted to give a strong argument to support his theory. I considered his point of view and the pain one feels when they lose a romantic relationship. Could the pain actually serve as a leash to keep us tied to one person or in a mongomous relationship? Why would does this pain exist?

 

Straying away from a relationship is known to have consequences. The consequence is that you may actually lose the one you care about the most and therefore you will feel that awful pain.

 

 

So one loses a loved one... a special man or woman in their life and they feel that awful ache in their heart and it doesn't seem to go away, at least not soon enough. Unlike the fractured bone, you cannot put a cast over it or have it surgically repaired to ease the pain until time heals it. Maybe our only choice is to to control the source of the pain...our thoughts.

 

Easier said than done, right?

 

Well, I have always been especially interested in those who have broken hearts and I have enjoyed listening to their experiences. Those who seem to recover the best, are those who are able to control their thoughts the best. I have seen those who can read instatiably or become workaholics to to keep their minds off of a person and they appear to adjust significantly better than those who sit around and just think. We all maybe have noticed this and this is why we encourage keeping the mind occupied during the coping phase. I think this concept is tied to the No Contact rule. No contact frees your mind a bit more and maybe cause less signals to be released to those pain receptors.

 

We will probably never understand why it hurts but we do understand keeping up the no contact. It is the cast that will stabilize until time heals the heart.

 

 

I am interested in hearing anyone's theory on "why it hurts."

[lkonohalanbu]

Of course, all opinion, nothing factual, just me and my personal experience.

 

Hurt, hurt is something you feel when something is wrong, for whatever reason. A breakup a physical and emotional but there is no cure except time, to me, it's a choice to feel this hurt and to acknowledge it. Your mind chooses to feel this pain, why? Because it will miss it's daily routine, it will have to go through drastic changes to fill the void, and through these drastic changes, we grow. We get so used to this person being around us, their presence, their support, everything that is a PRO, you will miss. You are now alone and do not have anybody supporting you or tending to your needs, you will now have to fend for yourself. You are immediately throw into survival mode as soon as a breakup happens, survival mode is to stop functioning and to break down. The emotions overwhelm you and you start to think illogically to get back your "crutch," sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. While your brain tries to formulate the plan for the impossible, which is to change somebody other than yourself, you are struck with negative emotions, which will bring you down. Essentially, this person is part of your identity and a want, which you turn into a need. When this person leaves, you have convinced yourself that you have lost part of yourself and NEED them back to be complete. Unfortunately love is sort of co-dependency at the beginning, well the first time around. As time goes by, you start to heal and rediscover yourself, to better yourself and improve. You start to smile and feel guilty because you used to smile with your other half but there is just you now, you go through these phases of fighting yourself. You know what's best and it's to move on, but part of you because the feeling of rejection and completely trusting somebody with your heart, has let you down, you wonder "what if". Your mind will play tricks on you, until you are bombarded and the emotions start to fade, you build a new routine without this person in your life and you find that you are healing. Why? Because you start to enjoy your own company, you rediscover that life is grand and you do not need this person and realize that they were just a want.

 

Nobody is tied to you and vice versa. They are entitled to their own pursuit of happiness and so are you. Regardless of who did the breaking up, either side will feel pain, but the dumpee is usually the one who is hit the hardest because it is a choice they have to live and not being able to choose. The dumpee has to pick up pieces of their lives and tend to their own wounds as they heal.

 

The dumpers have had time to think, have something in store for them, there is a rule that I have learned, it can be applied to anything in life. I will apply it in the case of the dumper for breaking up with the dumpee, life is equivalent trade, in order to gain something, you must give something up of equal value. The dumper gave up a chance to be with the dumpee, they were willing to sacrifice any feelings they have, thoughts and essentially love. Why? Because they have something they want more than the dumpee.

 

The dumpee realizes all of it and gets the blunt end of the stick, of course not all relationships are the same, but out of my own experience that I'm going through.

 

Hmm, my thoughts are sporadic, but you get the gist of my thought.

 

Life is relative to how you feel, how you feel is a choice, remember that nobody can make you feel a certain way unless you accept their idea of you. You can only choose to hurt for so long before you want to be happy, hope is what fuels the human soul. I hope to feel better, I hope to be better, I hope to _________. Being human is also making mistakes! Learning from them and applying your new found knowledge.

 

My little rant...

[Mike B.]

Thanks for your post. It address some important points when losing a romantic relationship.

 

Are willing to touch on the concept of "physically hurting." What I wonder is why does one feel physical pain when they are dumped. We all know that notorious pain in our chest when we find out our SO has chaeted on us or decided to leave us for whatever reason.

 

Pain is usually associated with physical injury such as a rotting tooth or a cut on the knee but a broken hear stems from an emotional injury and healing the emotions and mind treats it.

 

There are many other emotional or mental injuries/abuse that we sufffer throughout life,yet, we do not feel a pain in our heart when they occur. Why is it different with love?