Introversion

[spookie]

Maybe these are dumb questions, but I'm positive 90% of my most destructive behaviors have stemmed from insecurities related to this.

 

There's always been a schism in my personality, which widended in my years of substance abuse. As far as I'm concerned when I'm sober, the fewer people I speak to, the better. It's such an effort for me to have ongoing casual relationships with people - making small-talk, smiling when I don't feel like it, etc. I am really introverted and I like spending 90% of my time inside myself.

 

Then there's the other side of me. I'm lonely. Unfortch, the less often I drink, the further I retreat into myself, and the more convinced I am that no one will love me as I am. Cause all I ever hear is people making fun of those who are awkward or weird - life is high school, over and over. And even if no one can tell on the surface anymore, that's who I am: a natural loner.

 

Will anyone love me for who I am? I feel like the only way I've ever snatched guys (aside from my meaningful ex) was by pretending to be way cooler than I really am.

[johan]

Will anyone love me for who I am? I feel like the only way I've ever snatched guys (aside from my meaningful ex) was by pretending to be way cooler than I really am.

 

You might be surprised at how much more people like you when you stop pretending. Evidence of that is here on LS.

[spookie]

Evidence of that is here on LS.

 

What do you mean by that?

[jerbear]

I like you, Spookie.

 

I think you'll find your way. You're still young, first new job, ambitious and full of ideas. I think you're just trying to find your way and second guessing yourself. I think you are doing just fine.

[spookie]

It just feels like in real life unless I am exerting an unsustainable amount of energy (or drunk all the time) my acquaintanceships quickly fizzle out and I morph into the background, the weird girl no one talks to (but everyone gossips about).

 

We had this weird extremely awkward intern over the summer and every time I think about how shamelessly people made fun of him I shudder. They ever thought he was to awkward to extend a job offer to, even though he was awesome at the work. I'm afraid they'll catch on that I'm just like Ted.

[johan]

Have a little faith in yourself. If those acquaintances go away, maybe it's better that way. And maybe it's better to have people get to know and like the real you, rather than the cool facade that is not you. And it's clear that your coolness is innate. People pick up on that. You'll need to learn to relax about these things if you want to feel happy in life.

[xpaperxcutx]

What do you mean by that?

 

He means that all those bad self deprecating thoughts are only in your head. Most of the people on LS, including myself, like you as you are. We bear no bigotry towards your past, because you're defined by far more significant means than being a drug user.

 

If you're a loner, you're a loner. Who's to say we're not alone in the world. It doesn't necessarily mean people won't accept you for it.

[jerbear]

The thing is, your work environment is an "up or out" organization. Your acquaintances are "friends" and "competitors" for that promotion.

 

I was like you and "Ted" plus liked math and science; even won the Science Olympiad (#1 in the school in junior high) and #1 in state in high school.

 

You are your own unique person, liking math and being an attractive girl is kinda odd. But heck to each their own, you've found something you liked and went for it. You're still pursuing your dream job. I believe you didn't give up on getting the job, ended up applying, doing things, getting and internship and now work there full time. Not easy feats.

 

Hence I think you've put your fanaticism in a good place and you just have to stay the course, don't fall back or run away.

[johan]

What do you mean by that?

 

The posts in which you reveal something about your real self get a lot of attention. People like you here. Most people are more concerned for your health and ability to make good choices than they are impressed with your crazy, cool side.

[jerbear]

What do you mean by that?

 

I think you need to show him your slide rule to show him that you mean business!

[Vertex]

I don't know about you, but I love awkward girls. They can be so cute Once they relax, you more often than not find that they're really awesome, cool people. Just really shy. Clearly, I think you fall into this category.

 

You just need to be confident in yourself... I echo the words of everyone else here that plenty of people like you as you are.

 

I've also had this problem before, and I still do, to some extent. I'm an extremely shy kinda guy who has trouble making small-talk (because I often rationalize that it's "useless-talk" where neither person really cares about what's being said). But, this doesn't mean you can't hold onto friendships or attract people. I imagine that once you relax, you find it easier to talk to those close to you/smile/laugh/etc without feeling as if you're "forcing" something.

 

*extends a heartfelt hug*

[spookie]

The posts in which you reveal something about your real self get a lot of attention. People like you here. Most people are more concerned for your health and ability to make good choices than they are impressed with your crazy, cool side.

 

That's probably true. I'm glad about that. Thanks for liking me.

[spookie]

I don't know about you, but I love awkward girls. They can be so cute Once they relax, you more often than not find that they're really awesome, cool people. Just really shy. Clearly, I think you fall into this category.

 

You just need to be confident in yourself... I echo the words of everyone else here that plenty of people like you as you are.

 

I've also had this problem before, and I still do, to some extent. I'm an extremely shy kinda guy who has trouble making small-talk (because I often rationalize that it's "useless-talk" where neither person really cares about what's being said). But, this doesn't mean you can't hold onto friendships or attract people. I imagine that once you relax, you find it easier to talk to those close to you/smile/laugh/etc without feeling as if you're "forcing" something.

 

*extends a heartfelt hug*

 

Thanks.

 

I definitely can hold on to friendships/ relationships, if the chemistry is right. I think it just takes me a while to gauge what the appropriate boundaries are with people with whom the chemistry is mediocre, what I can/cannot talk about, etc. Once I figure out that they're interested in talking to me and which subjects are on the table, it's no effort at all.

 

Maybe the fact that my default assumption is that they DON'T want to talk to me is a sign of really low (social) self-esteem.

[TigerCub]

Will anyone love me for who I am? I feel like the only way I've ever snatched guys (aside from my meaningful ex) was by pretending to be way cooler than I really am.

 

I think people will love you for who you are. The only guy that I ever loved was the one I had my longest relationship with and he was introverted. He liked his time alone, he didn't want to stay at parties for too long because he always felt exhausted afterwards and I loved him because he was a great guy. I didn't find that his introversion was something that made him awkward or weird, he was what he was and I accepted him for it. I'm sure that someone will come your way that will love/accept you for who you are too.

[daphne]

To touch on what vertex said, I used to be an introvert as well. My friends, who accepted me the way I was, refered to me as an intellectual snob. However, past college, I had to deal in the real world and I wasn't a small talker. I found most people incredibly stupid. I know that sounds arrogant, but that's how I felt. Granted, I still do. That's another thread.

 

I was very, very lonely and found that people didn't really trust me or even understand me. So I stopped being as judgemental, I lightened up and lowered my expectations for conversation (which is a good thing because now my memory sucks and it's hard to have an intellectual conversaton without memory.) I started connecting with people better, smiling and just accepted teh inane things they said. Because I realized that I do the same sometimes.

 

I still have my moments when I think most people are borderline retarded, but I no longer dislike them for that. I think it's a way to push people away when we don't know how to relate well to others.

[spookie]

To touch on what vertex said, I used to be an introvert as well. My friends, who accepted me the way I was, refered to me as an intellectual snob. However, past college, I had to deal in the real world and I wasn't a small talker. I found most people incredibly stupid. I know that sounds arrogant, but that's how I felt. Granted, I still do. That's another thread.

 

I was very, very lonely and found that people didn't really trust me or even understand me. So I stopped being as judgemental, I lightened up and lowered my expectations for conversation (which is a good thing because now my memory sucks and it's hard to have an intellectual conversaton without memory.) I started connecting with people better, smiling and just accepted teh inane things they said. Because I realized that I do the same sometimes.

 

I still have my moments when I think most people are borderline retarded, but I no longer dislike them for that. I think it's a way to push people away when we don't know how to relate well to others.

 

Well, I don't really think most people are retarded, and I don't think I'd qualify as an intellectual snob. The problem is that I feel socially retarded most of the time, and I really feel like people catch on to that pretty fast.

[D-Lish]

Maybe the fact that my default assumption is that they DON'T want to talk to me is a sign of really low (social) self-esteem.

 

A questions Spooks: How did you dance? How did you do that job you did for so long? Did you always have to get high to do it? I truly don't know many people that have the confidence to get up and perform, put themselves out there to be judged... if they didn't have some level of confidence...

 

I think you are aware of your insecurities- but I also deem to be true from your posts that you are also aware of your strengths. What I see in your posts is a struggle between what you fear about yourself and what you truly like about yourself.

 

You're smart (very, very smart), you're beautiful, and have a great sense of humour... but your insecurities still nag at you. If you were socially retarded like TED, your work wouldn't have kept you.

 

You know, I often go out and I see people staring at me, turning their heads... I'll walk past a table of people and see someone say something to the group and everyone turns and looks at me. My most prominent thought is that they are making fun of me or think I am unattractive. I obsess that my zipper must be down or I have dropped a tampon or something...

 

You've transistioned into a job where people are now judging you based on your smarts... and you have those smarts. No one is looking at you and thinking you are awkward or strange.

[spookie]

A questions Spooks: How did you dance? How did you do that job you did for so long? Did you always have to get high to do it? I truly don't know many people that have the confidence to get up and perform, put themselves out there to be judged... if they didn't have some level of confidence...

 

Good question. I liked the aspect of acting involved, I looked at it from a character-building perspective and a really good workout, I NEEDED to, I didn't give a fcvk cause I had zero respect for most of the people at those joint... oh yah, and I drank really heavily.

 

The funny thing is, when I first moved up here, before I was sure that my job would keep me permanently, I was prepared to go back to stripping to make ends meet. Now, I don't think I could do it again.

 

I think you are aware of your insecurities- but I also deem to be true from your posts that you are also aware of your strengths. What I see in your posts is a struggle between what you fear about yourself and what you truly like about yourself.

 

You're smart (very, very smart), you're beautiful, and have a great sense of humour... but your insecurities still nag at you. If you were socially retarded like TED, your work wouldn't have kept you.

 

You know, I often go out and I see people staring at me, turning their heads... I'll walk past a table of people and see someone say something to the group and everyone turns and looks at me. My most prominent thought is that they are making fun of me or think I am unattractive. I obsess that my zipper must be down or I have dropped a tampon or something...

 

You've transistioned into a job where people are now judging you based on your smarts... and you have those smarts. No one is looking at you and thinking you are awkward or strange.

 

Thanks. I do realize that I'm probably pretty tough on myself. As far as people in this field go, I'm not all that awkward. It just scares me what my personality defaults to the further away I move from alcoholism. Honestly I LIKE the alcoholic me (usually). I'm so much funner.

[daphne]

I didn't mean to infer that you see people the way I did, sometimes still do. But there's something that you're doing that's making you feel less connected, and you haven't bridged the gap. Whereas, I dislike the herd mentality a lot, as I find that horrible, inhumane things happen in groups (holocaust for example), I do need social, human connection. And I found that when I smiled genuinely at people and was happy, they usually smile back. That's a start.

[D-Lish]

Thanks. I do realize that I'm probably pretty tough on myself. As far as people in this field go, I'm not all that awkward. It just scares me what my personality defaults to the further away I move from alcoholism. Honestly I LIKE the alcoholic me (usually). I'm so much funner.

 

Well alcohol has always given me a false sense of confidence. After a couple beers I am on top of the world... unfortunately- after 10 beers I am an angry ridiculous bitch.

 

The person you are when you are drinking just isn't who you really are- unless you want to be "the alcoholic'. The alcohol is just a tool to evoke what is actually already present.

 

Just think of where you were 3 months ago and where you are today. DO you know how many people aren't capable of leaving the life you were living? How many girls did you used to work with that you look back on now and think "wow- she's getting out of here some day"...

 

You've overcome a lot. And if this job has stabalized you enough that you aren't drinking as much... that's great. You'll never be able to retreat back to your old life because it was just a stepping stone- and jeez girl- you've made the leap to the next stone.

 

I know you fit in- and your boss likes you- he gives you special projects. maybe it's flirting on some level... but he wouldn't put his own ass on the line for a stupid ass with a nice rack that has nothing else to offer.

 

It's natural to doubt yourself- but I hope you can get to the point where you stop doing so. You're there hun- you've made your way into a place where your brain is your most powerful ally and asset. Being a cutie pie is just the icing on the cake...

[IrishCarBomb]

This may not help much... but when I realized that it was about connecting with people instead of impressing people, I was happily rewarded. Everybody is strange in some respect... so go find one that amazingly complements all of your own unique characteristics.