Barefoot Contessa Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 After reading many of the posts here I feel this would be the best place for me to hopefully gain some insight and direction. I am involved with a MM, co-worker to be exact, and have been for the last 3 months. I am married as well and we have never discussed leaving our spouses because this is pretty much a physical/sexual attraction. I see him every single day and each time he walks in I get absolutely stupid. It's as if something posseses me. I am afraid I am falling in love with this guy and I'm scared. Leaving my job is not an option, I have too many years invested and considering the current economic climate I don't think leaving is a good idea. My question is.....how do I stop these feelings? Why do I feel so wonderful when I am with him? How do I differentiate between lust and love? My husband is a great man but we have been married for a while and have fallen into a rut sexually. Believe me when I say I have tried talking to him but to no avail. He is older and is pretty set in his ways so for him to become like a 30 year old is just not going to happen. I've told him my desires many times but nothing ever changes, and I don't think it ever will. Other then that we have a pretty solid marriage. I just don't know how to control all of this emotion. I really need help because I am making bad decisions that could prove disatrous, all because of this guy. If someone could just explain why I feel this way, it would at least be a start because this is starting to consume me and I am usually a very level-headed, steady kind of person. Thanks for any advice or help.
NoIDidn't Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Tell your husband about your weakness, how it got to be that way, and see if he's willing to work with you to fix things. But in a non-threatening way. I know, easier said than done.
lkjh Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Look you have done something stupid, you messed around with a MM at your work. People at your work have probably noticed and your spouses are most likely suspicious of your behavior. You are feeling these things because it is all new but when the s*** hits the fan you are going to be singing a different tune. Come clean and be prepared to do what it takes to save your marriage. Also when all of this does get discovered(and it will) don't be shocked that the MM throws you under the bus.
mistresswchildren Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Affairs are truly destructive. I know this from experience. What seems to be this amazing love affair is simply something new and different. It is exciting to be looked at as a sexual being. It is enticing to do something forbidden. The problem is that you want sex. You want physical love. You are obviously not getting that at home right now, so you went elsewhere. Of course you are going to feel things about this new guy. You wouldn't be a human being if you didn't. Women (generally), feel emotion in connection with sex. The problem is that the man that you are sharing a bed with on the side might not feel the same way. Talk to your husband until he understands that you need to be wanted sexually. If he cannot fulfill that, then maybe you won't be happy in this marriage. If that is the case, then get out of your marriage. I know people say that it is easier said than done, but unless you want to hurt a lot of people in the process, that is the best thing for everyone. Stop placing this new guy in the spotlight. It isn't him that you want, it's the sex. Focus on what is wrong with your marriage first. If nothing can be fixed, then choose divorce over prolonging this affair.
KismetGirl Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 After reading many of the posts here I feel this would be the best place for me to hopefully gain some insight and direction. I am involved with a MM, co-worker to be exact, and have been for the last 3 months. I am married as well and we have never discussed leaving our spouses because this is pretty much a physical/sexual attraction. I see him every single day and each time he walks in I get absolutely stupid. It's as if something posseses me. I am afraid I am falling in love with this guy and I'm scared. Leaving my job is not an option, I have too many years invested and considering the current economic climate I don't think leaving is a good idea. My question is.....how do I stop these feelings? Why do I feel so wonderful when I am with him? How do I differentiate between lust and love? My husband is a great man but we have been married for a while and have fallen into a rut sexually. Believe me when I say I have tried talking to him but to no avail. He is older and is pretty set in his ways so for him to become like a 30 year old is just not going to happen. I've told him my desires many times but nothing ever changes, and I don't think it ever will. Other then that we have a pretty solid marriage. I just don't know how to control all of this emotion. I really need help because I am making bad decisions that could prove disatrous, all because of this guy. If someone could just explain why I feel this way, it would at least be a start because this is starting to consume me and I am usually a very level-headed, steady kind of person. Thanks for any advice or help. First off, you first say that its a "only a sexual/physical attraction" and then say you are "falling in love". That's a contradiction. No offense, but I feel that a grown woman should not be so fanciful as to think that after only three months you could be falling in love with someone you aren't even in a relationship with. This is obviously a physical attraction. Even I was not bad enough to think I was in love with my MM until only this year, and I've been with him for four years. Perhaps you enjoy his personality, and maybe if you dated him you could love him, but you don't right now. You are missing something in your marriage, and are trying to find it elsewhere, it's pretty obvious, no? You are lusting for this other man, you are attracted to him, it's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people. You don't lose your hormones because you get married. These aren't weird feelings to have. People have them all the time about other people, but you have to decide what to do about them. I'd try marriage counseling with your husband. Sexual health is an important part of a relationship, don't let anyone tell you different. If he refuses to even acknowledge that you aren't happy, then this says something to me about how much he values your marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a two way compromise. If he won't even make the effort to work on things, maybe you aren't married to the right person. Affairs are a big mess. Sometimes they can help to make a marriage better for a while, as the person cheating is obviously missing something in their spouse that they are then getting in their lover, but this is a temporary fix. Eventually you or the lover fall too deep into emotions, and its not just about sex anymore, or your H finds out, what have you. To answer your questions: You feel this way because he is giving you the thrill and attention your H isn't giving you. You can't control feelings any more than you can control the need to breathe oxygen. You can't control what thoughts come into your head. The difference between lust and love can be blurry when you are infatuated. You don't fall in love with someone in three months. You can care about them, be attracted to them, have feeling for them, and love to be with them, but you don't fall in love with someone in three months. Love, real love, is a long process. What you DO have control over is what you do about your feelings. Like i said, I'd try counseling. And if you really want to work on yoru marriage, you can't do it while you're having the A, your resources won't be focused. At the end of the day, only you can decide what is the best idea for you. You only get one life, you're a grown woman, decide what is best for you. Good luck
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