jj33 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 We all tell each other its better there is more for you. Some of the stories told are horrendous and without a doubt the situations are untenable and the disrespect that is suffered should not be suffered by anyone in any circumstances. I wonder though where the MM wasnt bad to the OW. Morals aside - saying its wrong isnt an answer to this question for those of you ready to pounce and say what about the BS. There is an even chance I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am older than most of the posters on here. I was alone for years before I met MM. I have been alone since it ended - and its not because we are in contact see above I was alone before. He treated me well. He loves me. Its not the sort of situation I want for myself so I am not particularly tempted to go back into it. Giving up hope is too incredibly sad. And to me going back would be an admission that I had no hope for my future. But what if that was it for me. What if there is noone else. You hear about that. Women in their 50s who never ever meet anyone again. I think that the decision to give up the A has to be based upon more than the idea that Prince Charming is around the corner. Because he may not be. And if you leave because you think that he is, and hes not, then you are vulnerable to going back. Again this is not a morals question. Its more complicated than that. And in my case the spouse was not "betrayed" and there are no minor children to worry about.
NoIDidn't Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 There may not be another man out there for the OW. The "better" isn't going to be there anyway if one looks at ending the A as ending their only chance of finding love. MM or not, it smacks of esperation (no offense). I mean, supposed the guy a woman was making this excuse to stay in a R with beat you five ways to Sunday and he wasn't married - would you recommend that she stick with him for fear of loneliness? At some point a person has to do better to get better, and value themselves above their worth to a potential partner. Fear of being alone or growing old(er) alone aren't good reasons for staying in a bad deal of a R - regardless of the morality of the situation.
Author jj33 Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Of course if someone was in a relationship where they were treated badly there is no reason to stay regardless of the marital status, but if you are well treated and loved and the only thing the man cant give you is alot of time and a committment. For some people, there may not be more out there. It just feels that way for me.
NoIDidn't Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Of course if someone was in a relationship where they were treated badly there is no reason to stay regardless of the marital status, but if you are well treated and loved and the only thing the man cant give you is alot of time and a committment. For some people, there may not be more out there. It just feels that way for me. I just don't see how one can feel loved in the absence of (lots of) time together and commitment. That's not love. That's convenience. I don't mean to make it seem like I am taking anything away from you, I'm not trying to, but I don't see love. Love in a situation like this drives the MP to push the AP out on their own to find someone "better". Morals aside, even the MP knows that a R isn't worth staying in when you can't put your all into it - even when being treated well. Coming off the bat with the thought that there is no better out there is just .....stinking-thinking.
wildsoul Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 This topic applies to affairs, but also any relationship where one person wants more than the other. It all comes down to how much suffering the relationship is causing. For most people I know, getting affection outside of commitment is more frustrating than being alone. I was married to a great guy, but even though he was committed to me (legally) he stopped wanting to adventure and play. Our sex life fell to zero. He wasn't interested in changing enough to meet my R needs. I had security, companionship, but it wasn't enough. I took the risk of leaving, now broke-ass and struggling. (My divorce was final yesterday actually.) For me, there is no lonelier place than being in a pseudo-relationship or one with a lot of built-in limitations. Being single and alone is still less lonely than that! FWIW, I never expected to again find the kind of sparks I have with my SM. I have more sparks with him than I ever did with my xH. It remains to be seen whether my SM will get his D and we will be together permanently. Maybe not, and I'll end up being a single lady forever. Dunno. But imagining that I'm going to be a single, childless, bag lady is a kind of negative thinking that I try not to indulge in. I suggest you stop worrying about that too, darlin!
Author jj33 Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Ive always agreed that being in a R that didnt meet my needs was worse than being alone. And I used to enjoy being single loved traveling alone but I dont anymore. Am about to leave on a wonderful trip and am hardly looking forward to it. I read all these stories and I think what was I complaining about he was and is so wonderful to me in so many ways. And even now he is still my staunchest supporter. I know negative thinking gets you nowhere. I am already childless that is no longer an option. And the rest... well.. I dont know. I just dont see it. I used to tell myself that it didnt matter that being alone was better than that rollercoaster. And I know I cant go back. And it was frustrating and painful and I dont want that again. Besides I cut the cord on no uncertain terms recently. And he is now in the process of rearranging his life so that he will b out of the country a great deal (if you dont want to be home the world is a big place). So it would be even worse than before. Hed be home for a week or two and gone and Id hardly see him. Romantically I pretty much scorched the earth anyway. I would never go crawlilng back and say I made a mistake not to go back to somethiing that isnt what I really want. I dont know anymore. Excuse me I guess I am just overworked and feeling sorry for myself.
Author jj33 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Thanks NID. I think I am going to go to sleep and wake up and get back to work again.... maybe the trip will do me good. Im feeling so jaded like nothing is new or exciting but it is. I have to get a different perspective on things. The whole world is falling apart and I feel like I am moments away from being swallowed up in the whirl. Just feeling overwhelmed. MM is looking out for me as best he can but I know he isnt the answer. He seems so immune to it all but its just an illusion. If we were back together again it would be worse Id always feel like I wanted more than he could give. I have to fill the void on my own.
Deegee Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I refuse to believe that there is "no better" out there. I myself am a former OW, and would not for all the money in the world even THINK about going back there. (to being the OW). It was painful, and sooooooooo exhausting, not to mention sooo hurtful to his W(and for THAT I will always be sorry). Now my ex-MM had not one iota of sorrow, and to me, THAT in itself is a huge red flag.(whew, dodged a bullet on that!) If I want to be miserable, I can do that all by myself, or dating SINGLE guys (no offense single guys). But back to the thread, get back to who you were BEFORE the A, I know that it's hard, and you're not the same person now, but you functioned well before this A, didn't you?! I sincerely hope that you see that there are really good guys out there, and one just for you. I don't believe that we're made to be alone on this journey we call life. Good Luck
wildsoul Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Thanks NID. I think I am going to go to sleep and wake up and get back to work again.... maybe the trip will do me good. Im feeling so jaded like nothing is new or exciting but it is. I have to get a different perspective on things. The whole world is falling apart and I feel like I am moments away from being swallowed up in the whirl. Just feeling overwhelmed. MM is looking out for me as best he can but I know he isnt the answer. He seems so immune to it all but its just an illusion. If we were back together again it would be worse Id always feel like I wanted more than he could give. I have to fill the void on my own. Feeling it and in a similar place. I'm also having a hard time with not just my own financial freakout, but all my clients and friends too. Packing my bags for a week-long biz trip. The world feels overwhelming. For the first time in my life, I have a boyfriend that wants to take me to and from the airport. I'm so used to schelpping all my stuff alone (even when I was married I came home to an empty house and empty arms.) But yanno--even though I have my guy there now, I don't want to make him only anchor. It's not about developing a false independence, as that won't take you farther than lonelytown. I don't know what your spiritual context is, but if you have one, it might do you good to remember that is the great void-filler. You have your own path in life, but you're not as alone as it feels sometimes. Girl, you got the powah!
mistresswchildren Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 We all tell each other its better there is more for you. Some of the stories told are horrendous and without a doubt the situations are untenable and the disrespect that is suffered should not be suffered by anyone in any circumstances. I wonder though where the MM wasnt bad to the OW. Morals aside - saying its wrong isnt an answer to this question for those of you ready to pounce and say what about the BS. There is an even chance I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am older than most of the posters on here. I was alone for years before I met MM. I have been alone since it ended - and its not because we are in contact see above I was alone before. He treated me well. He loves me. Its not the sort of situation I want for myself so I am not particularly tempted to go back into it. Giving up hope is too incredibly sad. And to me going back would be an admission that I had no hope for my future. But what if that was it for me. What if there is noone else. You hear about that. Women in their 50s who never ever meet anyone again. I think that the decision to give up the A has to be based upon more than the idea that Prince Charming is around the corner. Because he may not be. And if you leave because you think that he is, and hes not, then you are vulnerable to going back. Again this is not a morals question. Its more complicated than that. And in my case the spouse was not "betrayed" and there are no minor children to worry about. I may just be feeling very strong right now, but I think that I would rather be alone with myself for the rest of my life than be treated as a side item. I am young, but I think that I have decided that I really don't want a man in my life (at least at this point). There may be "no one" out there for me, but I don't think I mind that anymore. I have what I need out of life. I have myself. There are better things for me to do with my time than to pine over some man that I will never be able to truly be with. Why not find some constructive things to do instead? I mean wouldn't it be better to travel the world and be happy with you than to be trapped into a crappy relationship? Also, I think you might just be giving up on yourself right now. There is nothing wrong with you. You may not find the perfect guy, but you may find that you love yourself more for it. The issue is that you need to stop focusing on whether or not there is a guy around the corner, and start focusing on you. It could happen for you tomorrow, or it might not ever happen. No one knows the answer to that.
phoenixrising Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 JJ, when I read your posts I always think, "wow, she sounds exactly like me..." And, again, this last post of yours really hit home. I'm also going through the sadness of wondering whether I will ever meet someone I feel this connection with again... in my early 50's, and always wondered if this type of love was 'real' all my life, then... wham. I have no question that it is possible now, and know that when you finally experience this you simply KNOW. So - my question to myself is whether I will ever have the possibility of feeling this way again (and I've dated a lot both before and after this "experience") - but also whether I would want to be in a relationship where they didn't feel the same way back?? I stayed in my MM relationship for so long because I truly believed that he felt the same way... but now I'm not so sure. He chose to lie to his wife for 4 years, so obviously didn't feel that way for her, but couldn't make it right for me either... I just don't know anymore. I've been tempted to try the friends bit again, but know that I will stay strong, because it simply killed me to hear how he was going on vacation with his wife, knew he was still sleeping with her at night, etc. Just too much hurt. I'd rather hope it's somewhere in my future to meet someone who cares enough to share life with me, than know that the man I've devoted myself to chooses to share life with someone else...
Lookingforward Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I'm glad I didn't have to through that affair stuff, but I still wonder too if I'll ever be able to feel that "connection" again or if this is how it will be for the rest of my life.
Can'tGiveUp Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I worry that I might settle for less than what I feel when I am with him. Damn...that felt like writing a "Postsecret" card. I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life...
D-Lish Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I'll tell ya- I worry about the same things you do when it comes to getting older and being alone. I was the married woman- and my husband was the one that got another woman pregnant....I left him even though he wanted to work things out...and I left a lot of financial security and some really great companionship. We were Best friends- but had become goofy siblings near the end of our relationship. We were so close- yet I had no sexual attraction to him anymore (sort of saw him like a brother). So I left him about 6 years ago- and now find myself 38. I cannot tell you how many of my friends have told me I need to give up on the notion that i will find someone "great"... that at my age, I need to settle for something "good". Well, it's not going to happen. Did you let the best that can happen to you go? No. You made a smart choice. When would it ever be okay to be with a man that is still with his wife? I am not doubting the love or great moments you spent... but you said yourself that you knew it wasn't the right situation for you. Trust in that. I'd much rather be alone than be in a shared relationship. You were strong to cut that off- but you were RIGHT to do it. Being in love with a man who is living two lives- well, he's not giving you his whole self. And that leaves you feeling lonley- even though you are in a relationship. It's so much more satisfying to be alone than to love someone yet feel lonley. You did the right thing. Good things will come to you- but don't think you have to settle for being the OW. It bothered you obviously... and there are better things out there. I admire you for cutting off the affair.
joybean72 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 jj33, there are no guarantees in life except change...and death really. Those two things are a given. Had I expected a lot of the crap that has came about over the last 7 years of my life, I probably would have just curled up in a fetal position in a corner....drooling. (Not that that didn't sound good sometimes though! lol) I HAVE to believe there is something better out there for me....I've already had a little taste of it, so that in itself is reassuring. He is just one guy....You had a life before him yeah? (I'm gonna bet ya did!) That's what I keep telling myself. I won't have a pot to piss in after this divorce is final probably....but at least I will start getting back to me again. I did not like the person I was becoming, it wasn't me...but from this I've learned a heckuva lot about boundaries and what I want & what I deserve in my life.
Author jj33 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Thanks. I guess everyone goes through this to some degree or other at some point. Wondering what the future will hold. I was just starting to rebuild my life when I started seeing MM. I was very much alone and it was lonely and scary. Ripe for the picking. But I do remember how much hope I had for the possibilities. I fell for the Cinderella fantasy castle and all!
Dominique Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I am still all for castles and Cinderella. It is not about being "saved", it is about character. That having great character and inner (and outer beauty) attracts the best--in the case of that story, a Prince who saw the authenticity of the poor girl and didn't give a hoot about the money-power-whatever of the (ugly) sisters. These stories have happened in "real" life and will continue to do so. THe only thing that fails is a rotten attitude. Ya got one of those--you are going to attract the same. The world mirrors back to you what you are. Cut it out. I know of many, many women who in their 40s 50s and 60s found their true love. A psychiatrist friend of mine found her (very handsome) true love when she was (a beautiful) 63. Another friend of mine was close to divorce in her mid 50s when a man whom she knew 20 years prior saw her one day and said "You were the one I always wanted". They are planning to marry now. I know of women in their mid 40s who have had their first children. There are many handsome men who are attracted to attractive women who have maturity because they tire of the psycho-weirdo games that too immature, too young women can bring into them. And a dynamic babe will attract "great", and not just "good". Attitooooode, gals....backed up by substance These threads are morose and this will be my first and last visit. But really, what the hell kind of thinking goes on with us women? The cynicism is too much, really. Stop watching TV! Stop hanging out with cynical friends at bars! Stop the insanity on this thread now! And always always look for someone older than you. I don't mean "old-old", c'mon now. But a difference is nice. Its sexier and you will avoid the sibling rivalry, brother-sister business and you will always be the "younger gal". You will not be alone if you resolve in your mind that alone and single is "not an option", thanks. Meaning: a) No sexual relations without a relationship. None. Nada. Make-outs only if need be. b) Being around less rather than more c) Having a passion in life, a pursuit which makes you intriguing d) Never asking Why? (Why didn't you call...Why did you say...Why were you looking at her...) e) Dropping your subtle hints and then pulling back. Being warm and sexy and then just pulling back a bit f) Having an intellect and using it g) Not talking chick issues h) Using psychology as your weapon, reading the "nature of the beast", going slowly. i) Being a "For Marriage Only" type personality. Meaning, go for respect and adoration rather than chummy, friendly, FWBish, hanging-out, giving-it-a-go, speed-dating, blah blah blah. j) If you want to be married Be someone someone would want to marry. The men are out there. Yes, they are. Smooch, Dominique
DealingWDrama Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Have you thought of internet dating web sites like E-harmony to find someone to date and be with...possible have a relationship with?
Owl Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 With 6.5 BILLION people on the planet, and distances shrinking every day due to technology...OF COURSE there is someone better out there. What it requires is for you to OWN that search, instead of passively sitting there hoping it happens someday.
angie2443 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I understand this post. The positive side of me would like to say that there is something better out there. The realistic side of me sees that while older women can find love, it is often harder and there are often more limitations than on younger women. Men in their twenties have no problem with women in their twenties. Many men in their thirties are fine with women in their thirties. Men in their forties, well, many of them are looking for the women in their thirties and sometimes women in their twenties. Rather we want to admit it or not, women are still more valued (when it comes to relationships) for the outside of their package as opposed to the insids. Their value starts to slowly depreciate as the hit the mid twenties. I'm not that old yet, but I'm getting there. I often wonder, what would happen to me if I ended up single at 40, 50 and so on. Would I have to date grampa or remain alone for ever? I wish women would be more valued for what's on the inside. I think this would even up the playing field more.
Dominique Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 This is just such utter nonsense. A woman does not begin to "depreciate" in her mid twenties for God's sake. I look far better in my late thirties than I did in my twenties, and I have a great body and skin. It is called discipline. THere are many women who evolve this way. Also the best men want something "on the inside". Of course you have to be good looking. But most women can if they watch their weight and take time for their appearance. The thing to do is to adopt a mindset that you are young, stop with the mope-ing and get out there. Dom
marlena Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 There is no guarantee that you will not be alone in your twilight years or even before that. Some people never find a SO. That is just a fact of life. We are born alone and we die alone. This is an irrefutable existential truth. Even in marriage, one person has to go first. The only way to deal with this is to accept "aloneless." Embrace who you are, grow and improve,find ways to discover and explore your own complexity and learn to be happy with your own company. Make you into the person that you just love having around. Be good to yourself, love yourself,take an interest in yourself. To me, this is the true road to happiness and fulfillment. So many people are afraid to be with their own self. This I could never understand. It's a shame really because they deprive themselves of a wonderful relationship with an amazing person who will always be there for them right up to their last dying breath.
Author jj33 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 This is just such utter nonsense. A woman does not begin to "depreciate" in her mid twenties for God's sake. I look far better in my late thirties than I did in my twenties, and I have a great body and skin. It is called discipline. THere are many women who evolve this way. Also the best men want something "on the inside". Of course you have to be good looking. But most women can if they watch their weight and take time for their appearance. The thing to do is to adopt a mindset that you are young, stop with the mope-ing and get out there. Dom That's great. Theres a big difference between late 30s and early 50s. And if you are alone in your late 40s and early 50s I hope have maintained that positive attitude. And DWD I did the internet dating thing gave it a very decent shot over the course of a year but it wasnt for me. Marlena I tend to agree with you. You can "do" things to find someone but I think that life takes you to the right people or it doesnt. And although noone likes to admit it there is a realistic possiblity as you get older that you wont meet anyone. Its possible but its also possible that I wont. And although the past doesnt rule the future base on the past it seems unlikely. Its was difficult coming to terms with the fact that I am too old to have children and now am wrapping my head around the fact that I may never marry. I have a very full life that many people would think was fabulous and I realize I have been very lucky that I have been able to create various opportunities for myself. I run my own business, travel the world etc etc etc. I used to love travelling alone. But lately I find it all very lonely and everything seems to be overwhelming. And yes Dominique I am very attractive. So that is not the issue. Anyway thank you all for your comments. I can see that I am not the only one that wonders about this.
angie2443 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 This is just such utter nonsense. A woman does not begin to "depreciate" in her mid twenties for God's sake. I look far better in my late thirties than I did in my twenties, and I have a great body and skin. It is called discipline. THere are many women who evolve this way. Also the best men want something "on the inside". Of course you have to be good looking. But most women can if they watch their weight and take time for their appearance. The thing to do is to adopt a mindset that you are young, stop with the mope-ing and get out there. Dom I said slowly depreciate. There is a differance. Based on appearance alone, a woman's prime is between the ages of 14 and 24. This does not mean that a woman starts looking like crap after that. Yes, you can keep yourself in shape. However, do not fool yourself. You can not possibly look better it your late thirties than in your twenties unless you were overweight or had severe acne in your youth. It doesn't make sense, unless you've lost a lot of weight or maybe have had surgery. Now, you can advance mentally and emotionally. For some reason though, these things aren't as valued in women as their looks.
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