cnfsd Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 About two years ago I met an extraordinary girl over the summer. We spent about 2 weeks together and we were both very much in love. I felt I had a found a person that I deeply understood and she told me that she had never felt such feelings for anyone before. It was remarkable because we both deeply believed we saw ourselves in each other. I had never been so much in love. However, when it was time to leave, she told me she had a boyfriend of a couple of months and that she is feeling miserable about this. She genuinely wanted him to be happy but she had thoroughly fallen in love with me and it would be unfair to him if she'd left him. However, she had no feelings for him anymore and it would not have made sense to stay together with him. A complicating matter is that they both live in the same town whereas I live further away that would only have allowed for an LDR. After some despairing moments on the phone, she finally and non-convincingly told me she's staying with her bf and asks me not to contact her for a while. It was extremely painful but I respected her choice and wrote her a nice letter laying down my feelings and that I understood her choice. It was difficult. She was supposed to reply but only did so after 6 months, opening with the line that she, finally, writing a letter implying that she was wary about what taking up contact with me could mean to her. She concedes that she was afraid to write as she was still uncertain of her feelings. She stated that after she got back together with her boyfriend (they split for a brief time) and after while developed feelings for him again. She wrote that when she had to make a decision, she might have chosen the easy way out. After I received her letter I went through a wide range of emotions, mostly pain and despair. I wrote her to lay down my feelings and to say that while my mind understood her choice, but heart didn't. However, I did not make any moves and simply wished her all the best and suggested we stay in contact. There is a subtle understanding that we should keep contact sparse as not to provoke any "ambiguous" situations. I usually tell her in advance when I intend to write so that she knows when she will receive something. Now, I was still in pain at that point but I understood it would take time to get over this girl. In the months afterwards, I worked a lot, travelled, met new people and generally just did what I wanted to do and it felt good. She was supposed to write. However, she did not and I was willing to accept this and actually happy that I was finally over her (that was about a year after we've met). I already accepted the situation and moved on until last Christmas, when she wrote me a msg me asking if she could still write a letter. So we resumed contact, she wrote a friendly letter and I replied to her this summer, not losing much thought. Now, she has promised to write "soon" and I have not received anything yet. It's bothering me since she previously mentioned that there are important things to say between us. I would like to think that I am over her, however, I am quite bothered that I have not received anything yet. This is the second time she promised to write and has left me waiting. Maybe she is just overly cautious and I am too impatient - I would, however, like to get this thing over with. My options are: 1) to stop caring. If she writes a letter, that would be OK and I will reply. If she doesn't, that would be fine as well. 2) to leave her a msg that I am waiting to read her letter to get things done and over with (even though I have no clue what she is going to write about). 3) to tell her that I do not want to have any contact with her anymore. Clearly, each option would imply different reactions and will change the state of our relationship. I would like to take all 3 of those options at once and I cannot decide what to do. While I do not feel pained anymore, I still regularly think of her and I do not really want to severe all contact even though I know this would probably be the best and easiest option. What do you think should I do? Or maybe a much more important question is: What do you think about my situation? Is it blatantly clear that I cannot get over her? How do you explain her behaviour? She is a very soft-spoken person, hates conflicts and would not feel comfortable confronting a situation head-on. Should I gently prod her or just give her space? Is this some sort of a test? Does she still care at all? I am clearly confused.
Geishawhelk Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 My options are: 1) to stop caring. If she writes a letter, that would be OK and I will reply. If she doesn't, that would be fine as well. 2) to leave her a msg that I am waiting to read her letter to get things done and over with (even though I have no clue what she is going to write about). 3) to tell her that I do not want to have any contact with her anymore. One, I think you should definitely adopt, because weird as it may seem to say it, we should never hang our dependency to be happy, on anyone else. It's us who makes us happy or otherwise, by permitting - or otherwise! - certain thought patterns to persist.... 'Stop caring' sounds callous. I'm sure you don't mean that. What you mean, is to let this go, so that it doesn't become such a weight round your heart. Yes, do that. 2 is also reasonable, and there's no reason why you couldn't combine it with '3'. Tell her you're looking forward to this letter she's promised you, but that unless she has a definitive yes or no for you, then please don't bother, because you are tired of feeling like the proverbial yo-yo. In fact, just write if she has good news. If not, you wish her well, have a happy life, because you are more than happy to move on with yours....
Recommended Posts