sweetbutcheeky Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Do you think chemistry, spark, click is something you know right away? Say on a first date. Obviously if there is right way then then there isn't a problem. Though I am wondering if there isn't right away can you find it later on? I dated a guy once because he was good on paper but I didn't feel any chemistry one date one, but decided to date him a few more time just to give him a fair shot. But nope didn't feel a connection and after a few more dates didn't want to see him anymore in general. So say you go out on a first date and you don't feel anything, is it worth a second? I always thought so but now have been wondering. I am in the situation to make up my mind. (Though he is also intense and I just want to get to know him and not feel like he wants an instant gf which is another reason I am questioning. I can't get to know him if I feel I am being pushed too fast)
Isolde Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 It depends on what you do on that first date, how long it lasts, and the personalities of the two people. If you go on a four hour date with someone and you're both pretty extroverted, social people, you should be able to tell if there's chemistry. If you go on an awkward dinner date and you're both shy, it can be quite difficult to tell. Just my opinion, I don't have a ton of experience.
BlueHarvest Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Someone once said "Love is God's touch on man's shoulder, it is the epitome of a miracle." I think that "that spark" aka chemistry is very much apart of how you view dates. Within a few minutes you know if that spark will grow into something more or not. There doesn't have to be a huge spark...just a small one. Remember...to light a fire you have to make sparks...some of those sparks build into a full fledged flame...others sputter out.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 I guess I am used to the dates where it's really obvious you do and it's really obvious you don't. As for the ones where your kinda iffy is what I'm not sure about. Didn't feel a spark but nothing really there to stop dating. Hmmm The date with the guy I mentioned started at 2pm and ended at 11pm, but included a movie at the theater. (where he asked if he could hold my hand which was strange to me) Dog park, movie, slice of pizza and ride home.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 When I first "went out" with my bf (11 years ago), there was no chemistry on my end. I quickly dumped him after that (we had been going out for a few months via phone/school intranet). When I re-met him last year, the chemistry was off the charts. I was literally shaking. It's easy to write someone off because of bad timing...but I'd give a guy a second shot if there was something there in the first place (i.e. mutual interests, shared values, certain traits that are "ideal" in a man, etc0.
BaD_Day Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Naw, I think that chemistry thing is bull****, it's all about games and how the guys/girls play it. Some guys just knows how to push the button really really hard and frequently enough. While some will look good on paper, but isn't very experience with the ladies (like me). But I can tell you the chemistry thing isn't really true.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 When I first "went out" with my bf (11 years ago), there was no chemistry on my end. I quickly dumped him after that (we had been going out for a few months via phone/school intranet). When I re-met him last year, the chemistry was off the charts. I was literally shaking. It's easy to write someone off because of bad timing...but I'd give a guy a second shot if there was something there in the first place (i.e. mutual interests, shared values, certain traits that are "ideal" in a man, etc0. You got me thinking and no not really, only thing was that we are both looking for a relationship and animal lovers. No spark but no real red flag or anything. Though he did move too fast, well I think so for a first date. Little clingy and made me feel he wants an instant relationship, maybe not but that's the impression he made. Asked to hold my hand at the movie, asked if he could kiss me after pizza and wanted to confirm date too on the ride home. (I don't like when I guy asks, though also told him no to the kiss, that is was a little too much for the first date) Holding hands to me is what a couple in a relationship do. So those things are the things that would lean him towards the negative. But if he hadn't he would be in the middle.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 You got me thinking and no not really, only thing was that we are both looking for a relationship and animal lovers. No spark but no real red flag or anything. Though he did move too fast, well I think so for a first date. Little clingy and made me feel he wants an instant relationship, maybe not but that's the impression he made. Asked to hold my hand at the movie, asked if he could kiss me after pizza and wanted to confirm date too on the ride home. (I don't like when I guy asks, though also told him no to the kiss, that is was a little too much for the first date) Holding hands to me is what a couple in a relationship do. So those things are the things that would lean him towards the negative. But if he hadn't he would be in the middle. Your gut feeling is usually right, sweet. If you think he's not your type, then don't allow yourself to be pushed into something you don't want. I personally find a man that asks if he can kiss you to be very boring. It's too old school for me. Actually, old school guys take matters into their own hands and just do it. They don't waste time asking. My experience has been that chemistry is the glue that binds. With it, you can weather pretty much any storm. Without it, you're just sleeping with a friend.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 My experience has been that chemistry is the glue that binds. With it, you can weather pretty much any storm. Without it, you're just sleeping with a friend. Exactly! Great line! Ok well today he said something that confirmed that he is looking for an instant relationship. I delayed going out again because that day I had gotten some worry some info about my Grandmother and just wasn't appropriate never mind the above. And Monday my Grandmother is going into surgery go putting off dating and so on. His response "I like you to know that I don't mind waiting, and that I don't intend to see anybody while we figure out what we want to do." We went out once! Was just taking the dogs to the dog park, then asked me to a movie. Now he is waiting for me?
stefspets Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I think in your case your gut feeling is telling you something--he's coming on too strong for you. It's not just a matter of chemistry, but feeling uncomfortable. I didn't have instant chemistry with my BF, but we had shared interests and I enjoyed his company. In that case, yes chemistry grew.
BoerumHill Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 We went out once! Was just taking the dogs to the dog park, then asked me to a movie. Now he is waiting for me? Trust yourself. I've been in both situations, where there is an instant *click* and mutual attraction, and I also had a great LTR that started pretty lukewarm. In either case or what's in between, though, I am a big fan of going with instinct/first impression/gut reaction...whatever you prefer to call intuition. There are some things we cannot articulate but we know (or have an inkling) it's either right or it ain't. Trust yourself.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Exactly! Great line! Ok well today he said something that confirmed that he is looking for an instant relationship. I delayed going out again because that day I had gotten some worry some info about my Grandmother and just wasn't appropriate never mind the above. And Monday my Grandmother is going into surgery go putting off dating and so on. His response "I like you to know that I don't mind waiting, and that I don't intend to see anybody while we figure out what we want to do." We went out once! Was just taking the dogs to the dog park, then asked me to a movie. Now he is waiting for me? Poor guy, he's making this too easy! First you have your gut feeling and then there's his obvious "I wanna relationship" thing - neither of which helps foster that certain zing. I hope you've made up your mind and let him know promptly. Out of curiosity, if you decide to call it quits, will you give him the reason (if he asks)?
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Poor guy, he's making this too easy! First you have your gut feeling and then there's his obvious "I wanna relationship" thing - neither of which helps foster that certain zing. I hope you've made up your mind and let him know promptly. Out of curiosity, if you decide to call it quits, will you give him the reason (if he asks)? I guess with the lack of chemistry I knew and no he didn't help, I was trying to give him a chance. Then he pushed it too far, I could tell him to stop and just let us get to know each other. But I don't think there is anything there to explore. So I have to figure out what to say. Geez now that he is waiting for me ... Hmm I will tell him that I didn't feel chemistry but I don't know if I can tell him what he is also doing wrong. Well it's also hard to explain because sometimes you want a first date kiss, in this case I didn't. I like it when men go for it and not ask but in this case glad I had a chance to say no. Asking me for a second date wasn't a bad thing, most of the time your hoping for that but wanting to nail down a date and time was a little to much for the ride home.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I guess with the lack of chemistry I knew and no he didn't help, I was trying to give him a chance. Then he pushed it too far, I could tell him to stop and just let us get to know each other. But I don't think there is anything there to explore. So I have to figure out what to say. Geez now that he is waiting for me ... Hmm I will tell him that I didn't feel chemistry but I don't know if I can tell him what he is also doing wrong. Well it's also hard to explain because sometimes you want a first date kiss, in this case I didn't. I like it when men go for it and not ask but in this case glad I had a chance to say no. Asking me for a second date wasn't a bad thing, most of the time your hoping for that but wanting to nail down a date and time was a little to much for the ride home. This reminds me of my high schools day (not meant to offend you). I used to have crushes on guys (or they'd like me) and we'd "talk" or whatever. Sure enough, they'd do something creepy or clingy and I'd change my mind. This one guy wanted to walk me to class, pick me up from class, walk me home, etc... It was nauseating. On top of that, he'd visibly shake when he spoke to me. I broke up with him. Hope your "break up" (which is what it is, for him anyway) goes smoothly. He sounds like a nice guy, so be kind and perhaps even honest (might help him to know why).
foreverlove06 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I would definately give it another shot, what do you have to do lose? I personally didnt feel an instant connection with my boyfriend. We were set up by mutual friends, and I was dreading it but they insisted. Soo we went out on a date, and it was average, nothing special. I really thought we would end up "just being friends". But then we went out on another, and another... And the more I learned about him, the more I realized what a sincere, kindhearted person he was. We're both shy people, so we needed more time at first... Good luck!
Isolde Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I think as humans, there's more to everything than just black and white. There's a whole spectrum of chemistry. There will be some people you will have no chemistry with and some people you'll have tons with... but most will be somewhere in between. We're not animals, we can grow to care for each other, sexually and emotionally. But there has to be some sort of baseline, a little itty bitty spark, that makes the people WANT to care for each other. My intuitions SUCK, so I don't rely on them.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I have always known immediately. The one time I waited for chemistry to grow, it never did.
monkey00 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 You got me thinking and no not really, only thing was that we are both looking for a relationship and animal lovers. No spark but no real red flag or anything. Though he did move too fast, well I think so for a first date. Little clingy and made me feel he wants an instant relationship, maybe not but that's the impression he made. Asked to hold my hand at the movie, asked if he could kiss me after pizza and wanted to confirm date too on the ride home. (I don't like when I guy asks, though also told him no to the kiss, that is was a little too much for the first date) Holding hands to me is what a couple in a relationship do. So those things are the things that would lean him towards the negative. But if he hadn't he would be in the middle. That sounds like an exact situation I was in, and I was that guy and you were that girl I was dating. I think it would probably be agreed by us (me and the girl) both that there wasn't immediate chemistry or much to be honest. With all the amazing things and background we had in common, for some reason the chemistry just never quite manifested. But then a lot of it also had to do with her holding back a lot and not allowing things to 'progress' or move forward. I don't contend that chemistry can be one-sided, it has to be mutual in order for it to occur. That was a major reason among others that I stopped seeing her. I'm sure over time we could become really cool acquaintances, aside from that, the intimacy and trust was severely lacking for us to be anything more. I think if you're not feeling the dude, do him and yourself a favor and just end things.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 I think if you're not feeling the dude, do him and yourself a favor and just end things. That's what I was thinking. True in general I don't have anything to loose with going out again but I don't want to lead him on. He is already waiting for me who knows what he will be thinking after a second date ...
Eyeofthoth Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I think that the coming on too strong thing can totally block out the barometer for Chemistry. I recently had a date where I felt "iffy" afterward but I could tell the guy was really into me right away and I had this feeling like maybe I wanted to back off. It is scary when you see someone make up their mind so quickly -- because it can't be real -- they barely know you. In this case though, I did feel there was "something." I've had three dates with him now and things on my end have really changed -- I am totally into him. I can't help but wonder though if that is partly because he has realized he was moving too fast and now he wants to slow down! That kind of push and pull thing is part of what creates chemistry.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 I talked to him and he understood and we decided to be friends, who knows could just be the open ended cliche or may actually be friends. Will see. Though if we do maybe I can get to know him without the pressure pushing me away. Or he could have said yes just to continue seeing me. His words "It doesn't have to be a 'date' to go out and have a good time now does it?"
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