yebo Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 This is hard to summarise. My 22 year old girlfriend told me today that she had a great weekend this past weekend because she could just be herself with me away. I was away for a week, and spoke to her frequently throughout the weekend, and what she did was not any different to what we'd do on a normal weekend. One thing that bothered her was how folks dismissed her by saying "Oh, That's Dean's girlfriend". She's a strong girl, used to being in more of the spotlight, not shadowed by a boyfriend. She has lost some of her own identity in "us". The same has happened to me. Some background: I am 28, we have been together for over 4 months now. This is the longest relationship for both of us. The month of September was quite bad... we ended up hanging out together almost every day and never really having a good time. Our conversation went well today, basically we both agree that we should spend less time together.. relax a bit. The thing is, even if we spend less time together how is that going to make her feel more like herself when we are together? The age gap is something I had some concerns over early on... but I act the same as I did when I was 22 (for better or worse... I can't grow up). One comment she made was along the lines of "It was great to act 22 again". This is confusing to me because usually she's so exhausted from her job, I end up going out without her on some nights. Any thoughts on my situation? I'll be talking to the gf tonight or tomorrow more about this, will update this thread.
cybersister Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Hm... interesting. In what way is she not herself? does she feel she has to act different to please you? One conversation could be to each tell the other what is what that first attracted you to each other- from that there may be discovered assumptions you each have about how the other is that just do not fit. I and a friend disgree on this one- I believe there is an ideal where your partner accepts you as you are and you do not have to do anything different. My friend on the other hand says that compromises are an inevitable part of any relationship, and that you need to just decide if the compromises you make to be in a relationship are worth it in terms of what you get out of it. Certainly only spend time together that you enjoy.
oceangrl Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 The thing is, even if we spend less time together how is that going to make her feel more like herself when we are together? If you spend every day together, you start to lose your own identity because you might not make the same decisions as you would if your gf wasn't around...and she might not make the same decisions when you're around either. You start to change your plans/actions/schedule based on the other person. You don't get time to sit and stew with your own thoughts. When a couple starts dating, they begin to act more and more like each other. Thats how you begin to lose your own identity. Spending less time together is a good thing. It gives you both time to do your own thing and it gives you new things to talk about. A lot of people call their significant other their "other half"....but a relationship should involve two whole people. I think a relationship becomes stale if a couple spends almost everyday together without going off to do their own things. She'll feel more like herself if she gets more time with herself because she gets to build her own identity....not just her identity as your girlfriend. The age difference could be a problem if you choose to make it a problem. My bf is 29 and I'm 23 and we're very compatible so it can work--don't let that discourage you
Author yebo Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 If you spend every day together, you start to lose your own identity because you might not make the same decisions as you would if your gf wasn't around...and she might not make the same decisions when you're around either. You start to change your plans/actions/schedule based on the other person. You don't get time to sit and stew with your own thoughts. When a couple starts dating, they begin to act more and more like each other. Thats how you begin to lose your own identity. You're right of course.. doesn't make it any easier knowing that though. I have started making soft plans with my own friends just in case the girlfriend becomes available. That was fine for a little while, but then she started being available all of the time and the relationship just became work at that point. Spending less time together is a good thing. It gives you both time to do your own thing and it gives you new things to talk about. A lot of people call their significant other their "other half"....but a relationship should involve two whole people. I think a relationship becomes stale if a couple spends almost everyday together without going off to do their own things. She'll feel more like herself if she gets more time with herself because she gets to build her own identity....not just her identity as your girlfriend. I agree... it wasnt a conscious thing moving to being together so much.. it just sort of happened. In reading these responses, I realise some of the differences in her personality/behaviour depending on the situation. I too change around her, but I don't lose myself. She is a strong person. A lot of people warned me about dating her saying she is controlling and I won't get a word in. The reality is the opposite for me... I have to make most or all decisions (where to eat, what to do, etc). Even if I'm grasping at straws, she'll go along with a mediocre plan. As for acting like eachother, that is part of the attraction. We both have some of the same negative traits, and recognize that in eachother most of the time. We cancel out eachother in that regard, while our positive traits can shine. The age difference could be a problem if you choose to make it a problem. My bf is 29 and I'm 23 and we're very compatible so it can work--don't let that discourage you Same age gap, and I don't let it bother me normally. When we hit rough spots like this, I wonder about how love is perceived for each of us. I've never loved anyone like this before. She claims similar, and she believes that.
Author yebo Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Hm... interesting. In what way is she not herself? does she feel she has to act different to please you? One conversation could be to each tell the other what is what that first attracted you to each other- from that there may be discovered assumptions you each have about how the other is that just do not fit. I and a friend disgree on this one- I believe there is an ideal where your partner accepts you as you are and you do not have to do anything different. My friend on the other hand says that compromises are an inevitable part of any relationship, and that you need to just decide if the compromises you make to be in a relationship are worth it in terms of what you get out of it. Certainly only spend time together that you enjoy. Like I said in another post, she's different around me compared to other people. But I can't know what she's like when I'm not there at all - I'm not there at those times. I think both of us are treating this relationship as more fragile than it really is. I've never lasted this long in a relationship (usually I'm bored).
Author yebo Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 The girlfriend just came by to talk. In terms of how much time we spend together, we agree... but she has other concerns that she can't/won't put to words just yet. So I will give her space... I'll hang out with my friends more, and she'll do the same. Time will tell what happens next.
Author yebo Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Just a quick update... things escalated a lot after my last post. You can read most of the story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166003/ We're very much together now, though October was a difficult month. In our recent conversations, her feelings were complex. We had moved very quickly in our relationship... I think I told her I loved her within the first two months. I told her the words first... it took a bit to say them back (a week or so). I love her more than anyone I've ever been with, and it was confusing for me. I knew she might not feel the same way towards me, and I am okay with that. I love her that much. But she didn't actually know how I felt. That is, until recently. It hit her quite hard when she realized how much she meant to me. She learned because I had written a bunch of thoughts (essentially a rough draft of love letters) and though I didn't share them with her, I showed her one page at dinner because it contained an explanation that I couldn't put to words easily. Anyway, it hit her really hard and she cried. I didn't know what that meant, really it scared me... I didn't want her feeling bad or guilty. It took a mess for me to really understand that she loved me just as much. Having this common understanding has helped tremendously. I don't feel the need to push her or spend time with her like before, not that I pushed her much... but I definitely spent time with her without quality for the sake of spending time with her in the past. This no longer occurs.... we can be ourselves, together or apart. Hopefully things stay awesome and comfortable.
alphamale Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 The month of September was quite bad... we ended up hanging out together almost every day and never really having a good time. thats an extremely bad sign
Author yebo Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 thats an extremely bad sign Yes... it was weird. We did have some good times, but mostly we were hanging out because I was trying to hold onto her too tight. I am taking the bulk of the responsibility for the September situation. For whatever reason, I felt I had to have a dinner date with her at least once a week. I also really wanted sex, which I expected to be more frequent when she moved into her own place at the beginning of September. During the week, because of her work schedule, she really can't sleep over my place... I did spend some weeknights over her place in September, but her roommate is sort of a problem and we weren't communicating well about any of this. We went from having a very fast/natural/comfortable relationship at the beginning to stall/forced/awkward because we weren't really communicating at the same rate that we had been progressing. This happened when we hit sort of a plateau... we moved so fast, and continuing at that rate meant marriage which is obviously not the right step to take right now. So losing that momentum meant confusion. We're now at a natural pace (very relaxed) and it's natural and comfortable again.
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