gf for 8yrs broke up w/ me over the phone

[crushed66]

FACTS.

 

- she is dating someone else (probably 1-2 months). they were friends/ acquaintances for a few yrs.

 

-im in my early 30's. she is in her late 20's.

 

-we never talked about marriage. i believe she doesnt want to marry.

 

- i asked her what does she what over the phone, she'll say "i dont know" (like 1 month ago)

 

-i heard from her friend that my ex explained to her that we broke up.

 

QUESTION.

 

should i get an explaintion in person?

 

its been over 3 weeks since we broke up. she im'ed me once. asking what i was up do. i ended w/ maybe we should talk sometimes. i im her a few days later (just small talk for like 10-15 im lines)

 

why does she not wanna explain to me in person? she doesnt wanna make me feel bad. or she doesnt wanna feel bad herself.

 

would NC be more effective if she never broke up w/ me face to face? or i need a face to face break up (so she can feel bad). as of now im gonna do the straight disappear NC (she doesnt know that im gonna do that).

 

so, which works better, a face to face break up then NC or staight disappear NC?

 

thanks.

[Mike B.]

Breaking up with someone over the phone is a very cowardly and inconsiderate way to break up with someone, especially after 8 whole years of a relationship.

 

 

You can try NC but it may be difficult for you because what you really need is closure first. Not having closure will only make fuel your imagination to think of every possibility known to man ofn why she decided to break up. This, my friend, is a very time-consuming thought process that you want to avoid.

 

After 8 years of your life, she owes you an explanation. Breaking up over the phone can be remotely acceptable for a relationship of 8 weeks maybe but not 8 years. The closure does not have to be in person at this point since it is well over the break up but she should, at the every least, call you to explain. After this, I would go no contact.

 

 

If she refuses to explain, go no contact anyway and sometime down the line, she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it.

 

If someone can break up with you in such a manner after 8 years, I urge you to put much effort into not wanting her to call you for reconciliation. This is the type of person that you find dear John letters from if you were to marry them.

 

Be patient.

[crushed66]

thx for your response.

 

 

Breaking up with someone over the phone is a very cowardly and inconsiderate way to break up with someone, especially after 8 whole years of a relationship.

 

 

You can try NC but it may be difficult for you because what you really need is closure first. Not having closure will only make fuel your imagination to think of every possibility known to man ofn why she decided to break up. This, my friend, is a very time-consuming thought process that you want to avoid.

 

After 8 years of your life, she owes you an explanation. Breaking up over the phone can be remotely acceptable for a relationship of 8 weeks maybe but not 8 years. The closure does not have to be in person at this point since it is well over the break up but she should, at the every least, call you to explain. After this, I would go no contact.

 

 

If she refuses to explain, go no contact anyway and sometime down the line, she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it.

 

If someone can break up with you in such a manner after 8 years, I urge you to put much effort into not wanting her to call you for reconciliation. This is the type of person that you find dear John letters from if you were to marry them.

 

Be patient.

[crushed66]

"she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it. "

 

i dont understand this. why would she need it?

 

also, the first 3 weeks i was def. in denial. this is my 2nd day of wanting to better myself for the sake of myself (stupidme. it should have been this way since the very beginning)

[Yamaha]

"she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it. "

 

i dont understand this. why would she need it?

 

also, the first 3 weeks i was def. in denial. this is my 2nd day of wanting to better myself for the sake of myself (stupidme. it should have been this way since the very beginning)

 

 

It means that breaking up with you ( after such a long relationship ) will haunt/bother her and she will have to tell you to ease her guilt. She may not be able to talk about it now but a time will come that she will have to talk ( unless she has no consense ).

[Mike B.]

"she will not be able to help but to give you closure because she will need it. "

 

i dont understand this. why would she need it?

 

also, the first 3 weeks i was def. in denial. this is my 2nd day of wanting to better myself for the sake of myself (stupidme. it should have been this way since the very beginning)

 

After eight years in a realtionship, it is very hard for someone to just walk away without properly finalizing it. She will seek closure sometime in the future. She is just avoiding it now for her own selfish reason but it is seeping out slowly which she gives a sign by still contacting you.

 

She will be able to hold out longer than you since she has already moved on so don't be the one left in the dust in this aspect. You must move on as well. If I were in your situation...now this is me personally... I would contact her and ask her to tell you why you had to hear about the breakup through the grapevine. Let her know that you accept it but you would like some sort of explanation. If this cannot happen, just go no contact and fully began the process of weaning her from your system. You will wean her but closure can make it much quicker but do not sit around suffering if she is too selfish to do it now. No contact is your best weapon in this situation and improving yourself. I don't think God has made a better way...yet.

[nopainnogain]

It means that breaking up with you ( after such a long relationship ) will haunt/bother her and she will have to tell you to ease her guilt. She may not be able to talk about it now but a time will come that she will have to talk ( unless she has no consense ).

 

In my case my ex had no consiense. I thought I was owed this and that . But in reality I am not owed jack. She is a human being and can make her own decisions. She decided to leave me, fine. I found my own closure.

[crushed66]

"I found my own closure. "

 

how wanna explain?

[CaliGuy]

If this is the post you are referring to that you wanted my advice, here it is.

 

Let it go.

 

Make your own closure. You dated her long enough to know her. Whatever reason she gives you for the breakup you won't really accept anyway. You just have to accept that it's over and forget about her. You need to go NC. You have no control over her actions, only your own. That is why making your own closure is so important.

 

The more you focus on her and why she left, the longer it's going to take to heal. The fact is she did leave and there's nothing you can do about it. Period. And the more you chase her the harder she will run away from you.

 

The only thing you control is yourself. So stop wallowing around in pity (we've all done that). Get out with friends, hit the gym, start some new hobbies and spoil yourself. Put 100% of your focus on making yourself happy (without her). If you can't make yourself happy alone, you won't be able to make anyone else happy in a relationship with you.

 

The bottom line is YOU are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants and happiness. She's long gone and odds are she isn't coming back. It sucks but again, you don't control her. If you want to find someone else, someone who loves you for who you are, you need to put her behind you.

 

If she comes back later you'll be in a better position all the way around to either take her back or say no. But right now all the focus needs to be on YOU and your healing.

 

Cheers.

[crushed66]

cool. i respect what u have to say.

 

another question.

 

why did she break up w/ me over the phone? and it wasnt a i wanna break up. it was i dont know what i want.

 

also, if she was bored in this relationship, how do i get a second chance sometime in the future. or it is once you are bored its OVER.

[Mike B.]

cool. i respect what u have to say.

 

another question.

 

why did she break up w/ me over the phone? and it wasnt a i wanna break up. it was i dont know what i want.

 

also, if she was bored in this relationship, how do i get a second chance sometime in the future. or it is once you are bored its OVER.

 

Crushed, you have to realize that only she can answer those questions. I personally think you will feel much more at peace if she was willing to do so but if she is not, you have no choice but to move on. Saddly, many times those who are let go in a relationship, never get an answer. Also, the answers are so multifactorial that it just boils down to lack of chemistry. Where it went? Who knows?

 

Don't drive yourself nuts with these questions or fall into the common trap of trying to figure out just when she stopped loving you. You will begin to pick random events and things she said and try to twist them into something that can explain her actions. Don't do this. You should accept that this may be a mystery for a very long time and possibly forever.

 

I personally think closure is better than none at all from your ex but the most important thing right now is stepping away from the past at this point. Life is going on around you and you should take advantage now.

[ioncebelieved]

Man, hell yes you deserve an explanation!! Bar none!! After several years all she can do is dump you over the phone! Never fails to amaze me how sorry people can be.

 

Dumpers need to be strong enough to do it in person. If you were a terrible person then all of this could be okay. Otherwise another weak and cowardly way out.

[Ingenue]

crushed, I'm sorry you're going through this. As others have said, the only person that can answer why she chose the phone to break up is her. She does owe you an explanation, but sometimes dumpers either are too cowardly to disclose that explanation or simply are unable to produce it themselves. The important thing is that you don't rely on her explanation as closure. You need to initiate it yourself. I know that you will think hearing the explanation from your ex will prompt all the right symbolic latches in your head to create closure, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on and not rely on her.

 

I know where you're coming from. My ex of 5 years dumped me over email. He didn't even respect me enough to break up with me over the phone. For the first few weeks after it happened, I kept on thinking that if I spoke to him on the phone at least, I would get the closure I needed, the questions to answers that were swirling in my head. But as weeks dragged on, I realised that was just a hoop dream. He had offered me a phone call; I didn't accept it, there was no point.

 

Closure comes from within. We cannot rely on others to complete our emotional healing. Even if she answers your question, will it matter? She broke up with you. Something in the relationship wasn't working for her. Whether you get the answers or not, the end result is the same. Try to take a step back and a step towards healing. It'll be rough in the first bit, but you deserve a woman who will treat you with dignity.

[Grrlish]

Crushed:

 

I'm sorry that your ex didn't have the cajones or decency to break things off in person.

 

I do, however, find it hard to grasp that after 8 years, you have no idea what she might have been unhappy about or disssatisfied with in the relationship. If you really don't have a clue, well, that might be a clue.

 

I do believe that you deserve an in-person conversation about the breakup, if you want it. I'm sure that I would!

 

However, I wouldn't count on getting closure, per se, from the conversation.

 

Real closure only comes on our own. Go back, and read CaliGuy's post about closure. It's a good one.

 

While getting some clarity from her about the situation may help settle your mind, closure comes from acceptance. Acceptance of the situation and acceptance of another person as they are.

 

Edit: I can't believe that after 8 years she broke things off over the phone. That's terrible and I'm sorry.

[BCCA]

I was with a girl for 5 years that called me on the phone at work and ended it, so I feel your pain. Thing is, it really doesn't matter why, and like CaliGuy has said, you wont want to accept it anyway. Your mind will always wonder if you let it.

 

Just look at it realistically: you two aren't together anymore. The fact that she ended it over the phone doesn't show a lot of consideration or respect for you or your feelings.

 

Let it go. You'll probably feel like this was a good thing one day. Let time do its thing.

[crushed66]

Grrlish,

 

im not sure, but, i believe the relationship didnt developed deeper and then eventually she got bored and found someone.

 

after 3 weeks of being in denial, this is my second or third day of wanting to improve my life for ME. however, i still want her to be part of it. i still believe that the relationship is "fixable." the other day, some relatively atrractive girl straight up approched me and asked for my number and to meet up later that week. i was shocked at first, but when she left i just lost it. i started to cry right in front of my friends and people around me. when i was back home a few hours later i was lighted headed and puked.

[crushed66]

ingenue,

 

"Closure comes from within"

 

ok. got it. its weird how i've always been an independent person or whatever u wanna call it. i've always relied on myself for happiness not on others. but recently, after being dumped it got flipped around.

[crushed66]

i just found a song "walk away" from ben harper on this forum.

 

should i email that song to her or should i just quietly disappear?

 

she imed me on 9/26 after NC for 9 days. in the im, i played it like everything was fine (we only chatted for like 5-10 minutes). before the im, i called on 9/17 and she was surprise (at least thats what she said, maybe not in her heart) that i sounded ok.

 

once again, do i slowly let her drift away (****, im in denial she already left me) or do i give her the shock treatment (email her that song NC for at least the calendar yr)?

[BackonTrack]

yeah dude your going to be messed up for a very long time.

i won't lie to you, its going to take months, if not years to get over her.

 

what you have to realize is she's gone, for whatever reason she's gone.

the longer u stay in contact with her, the longer it will take to get to a mental state of mind where u are no longer affected by her.

 

should u send the song?

NO

 

Should u send her overly romantic gestures?

No

 

Should you contact her?

No

 

As about that other girl, well, the reason u lost it is because you realized the other girl was not the person whom you've spent 8 years with and you are slowly realizing that its over and she is not with you anymore...

 

your going to cry for a very long time.

 

i can summarize by the tone of your text that u still have hope, you still haven't realized its over n u still want her back n your still contacting her = all bad.

 

The terms people throw out, closure, move on, let go, yada yada, are all words. If your like me, U won't understand what they mean. You can DO or you can Learn. If you DO, u will get her out of your system faster.

 

By doing I mean

excerising, excerising is sciencetificly proven to improve your mental state of mind aka it will make you feel better, get her out your system at a faster pace.

 

In the morning, when you just wake up, I am sure you are thinking about her, you have to take a nice shower n read the news paper, distract yourself.

 

AT night before you go to sleep, do you know any female friends or past ex's whom wouldn't mind letting you sleep over? This will help dis-assiocate the NIGHT with your EX and allow you to feel the comfort of someone else which will subconciously make your ex fade away.

 

Your "move-on" process is all up to you and the ways in which you choose to rid yourself of her is also up to you. I've been through this, the above are things that worked for me, I am sure these are universal move-on techniques.

 

8 years.... Its going to take you a LONG time to get over her, the only thing u have on your side is TIME. It might take years, it might take months. If you understand your situtation, then you can take steps to improve upon it.

 

Its not necessairly about YOU per say, its about your mental state of mind.

 

Your only hopes of getting it back is, if you go strict NC, never contact her in life, when she calls u don't pick up, when she emails u don't respond, sooner or later she's going to start wondering why your not answering and she's going to start looking for you if she still loves u.

 

or if your cool with being her friend while knowning she's having sex with another man, by all means contiune talking to her.

 

i don't know what to say, except i've been through this, its not a good place to be. everyone goes to this in life, every human alive has went through this. there are proven methods to make yourself feel better, its up to you if you want to start taking the medicine or sit around feeling sorrow for yourself.

 

the good thing about all of this is, now your going to know who your real friends are, the ones that come around and listen to you, the ones that take the time to hear your problem, the ones that see your down and try to take you out, those are your real friends.

 

take this time to redefine yourself, come out a better person, change the habbits you've always wanted to get rid of, its going to be hard, but if you do it, before you realize u will be awake again, a new improved u.

 

in my case, i didn't improve myself, i just did enough to make the hurt go away.

[crushed66]

BackonTrack,

 

 

thank you for sharing your experience and honesty.

[crushed66]

my ex called me friday at 10:00 pm. i didnt answer. she didnt leave a voice mail.

 

she imed me once like a week ago and the last time we talked was like 2 weeks ago.

 

should i return her call? im not sure what to say. i want her to leave a meesage.

 

what if she calls me again? should i answer?

 

please help me.

[Geishawhelk]

IGNORE it ALL. Leave it be.

You've come this far, and you are doing well.

If she's really determined to talk to you, she'll either write a letter or turn up on your doorstep.

 

But I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you......

 

Don't respond.

[Angel1111]

First of all, if you want this girl back into your life, you need to stop this 'playing it cool' act you've got going on. Personally, I think any guy who dates a girl for 8 yrs and never talks about marriage is begging for trouble. You seem to be nuts about her so why didn't you do something to keep her? And why would you think she didn't want to get married? People always want to take a relationship to the next level if things are going well. It's just a natural progression. If I were her, I'd be completely wounded by this and probably in her mind, saying 'I don't know' over the phone and telling others that she broke up with you, is her way of saying, "Wow, he really doesn't give a fig for me. Why even officially break up with him if he doesn't even care?"

 

If I were looking at things from her perspective, I'd be totally convinced that you didn't give a damn about her based on your past behavior, and your present behavior. Every signal you give is that of a man who is so passive about her that you don't care one way or another if she leaves or stays. This is the time for you to let her know how much you miss her and that you are going nuts with missing her. If you don't tell her that, she will continue on thinking she never really meant anything to you. This is a death-sentence when a woman is made to feel this way....as you're now seeing.

[crushed66]

Angel,

 

im not sure if this has any relevance, but her sister (age 30 is in a 10+ yr relationship w/ boyfriend).

 

Both of her aunts (she is close to or has some influence on her since childhood) has 10+ year relationships. One of them is married, they other is not and not planning to. Both aunt mades significantly more money than there SO.

 

My girlfriend doesnt like kids and never say anything allow the lines of wanting to have them.

 

 

ps. A part of me believes and also wants to follow your advice in the 2nd paragraph.

 

thanks for your consideration and time.

[Angel1111]

I don't think the family stuff is relevant but you need to just be honest with her about how you feel and see where that gets you. I'm just saying that by all appearances, it may seem (to her) that you don't really care that much about her. If it were me, that's what I'd be thinking anyway.