Sequoia Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Hey, I hope someone can help me with this issue because it's driving me nuts. I have a friend that I have been talking to for nearly 2 yrs now. He lives overseas and so we have a long distance friendship. I have visited him on two occasions and we were intimate on several occasions.For some reason though when he would drop hints about going further I would feel like I was not really into him that much and I would back off.Thing is I visited the country he is in recently and he has a new girlfriend so he avoided me the whole time. I feel really hurt that he ignored me yet I dont feel as if I want to be his girlfriend.We are not talking and I miss him badly.Sometimes I feel like I want him, then in the next minute I don't. I love him but I'm not sure I am in love with him but I am very miserable. I feel as if he never really cared for our friendship as much as I did.Please help.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 You may not be inlove with him but you are emotionally attached to him and care about him. That hurts, especially since he was your friend.. BUT, in his defense, he now has a girlfriend and fact that you two were intimate together, it was friends with benefits - That's ended because of his gf. Out of respect for her, and their relationship, that's why he has distanced himself from you. You're hurt because you're not getting the attention he once gave you and his interest is in someone else. Partially ego hurt and partially hurt because the friendship has had to change.
Author Sequoia Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Yes my ego is hurt.We were intimate (no sex) like a year ago and to me what we had was long over. So I just wish he had done things a bit differently. Like he could have told me about the gf. I found out by accident, so whilst I was expecting that my friend would take me out at least once even with a group to avoid the one on one thing, he treated me like I have the plague. He kept saying that his gf was freaking out all the time and she was overseas. So I dont know what the hell he told her about me. I completely understand the part about respect for his gf and the relationship but I just think that he blew my visit out of proportion and made me feel like I was a jilted lover trying to disrupt his relationship. That is the part that really hurt so much. In my humble estimation if he truly viewed me as a friend he would have treated me like one. I agree with you and will definitely try to just move on with my life!
carhill Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 OP, it's pretty simple. He was attracted to you and wanted a relationship with you and you pushed him away. I've had lots of women do this to me. Trust me, even though men won't talk about it much, that hurts. What hurts worse is then the woman wants to be "friends". For years I swallowed my pride and did that, because I didn't think I deserved better. Your "friend", OTOH, knows he deserves better and knows that your choice had consequences, for you, as in, when you choose to push someone away who wants to be with you, you don't get to have what you want and deny them what they want. It's a great life lesson. I hope you learn from it. The hurting part is the learning part....
Author Sequoia Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Thanks so much. I am really understanding this "lesson" from a guy's point of view. My girlfriends just think he is being a jerk. It's just one of those things I have to go through but I'm not enjoying a moment of it!
carhill Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 The best way to understand his POV is to imagine wanting to be with a guy and he wants to be "friends" while he falls in love with someone else. He enjoys your friendship and gets his needs for that met while you are left hanging. Remember, the person who cares the least has the most control, and, right now, that's you. At some point the dynamic might balance and, at that point, you might have the opportunity to be true equal friends again (if you ever were).
Author Sequoia Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Have you ever loved someone but did not want to sleep with them?That is how I feel. I want the best for him so I don't think that I care the less. I think I care for him more than he appreciates but as a friend. I guess its for the best because I feel as if I always have to be fighting for this "friendship" and the fight is beginning to wear me down.Time will tell.
carhill Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Have you ever loved someone but did not want to sleep with them? Absolutely. There are many different kinds of "love". I've had two best female friends whom I had no designs upon sexually but would do anything for them. Again, this is about being equal. In my example, the ladies and I were equal. Neither of us wanted more than the other. That's what I mean by "caring less". If this man has sexual/romantic love for you, in addition to friendship love, and you do not have the sexual/romantic love for him, then you "care less". It's not right or wrong, just different. At some point, if/when the inequity of love type/style is resolved, a deep non-romantic (or romantic, if your feelings evolve, which is possible too) friendship can result. I've experienced this dynamic as well, where timing changed our feelings and we ended up switching "sides". Interesting stuff, life is
Author Sequoia Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Ok so that is what you mean.Very clever I never thought about it being equal like that. I was just thinking about the fact that I wanted friendship and nothing else. I asked him not to try to contact me again for a while because I felt he was too mean. Also I dont want to feel as if I want to threaten his relationship as its very new. Hopefully things will work out for him. He does deserve the best. Having said that I don't see my feelings evolving to romantic love just maybe deep friendship with proper boundaries set given our past. I really respect what you have advised me on.Wished I had shared with you first before I totally blasted him. I realise now I might have been somewhat self centred.Thanks so much for your insight I feel a whole lot better. so now i suppose the best thing to do is just let it go.
Author Sequoia Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 I am beginning to think he is a nut.Just sent me a hi5 friend request. Like totally why?I asked him not to call and he wants to add me to his hi5 what do u make of that now?
Author Sequoia Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 I must say that by reading and responding to other posts I have been helped a whole lot to see how to deal with my situation.My only concern now is should I call or not.I want to call because now that I have read some of the other posts I realise that I may have overreacted by blasting him off. Yet if I call he may get the impression that I want him.The space has really been an eye opener for me, I am no longer mad at him. So should I call or not call?
You'reasian Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Clear it with him first. Email or text him if its okay to call. He will let you know.
Author Sequoia Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 It's been a month todate since I left my friend overseas and I still miss him so badly. I am beginning to wonder if I can hold out NC. But now that I have had time to think I feel as if things were blown out of proportion and I would really like us to link up again.I miss our spiritual conversations. Feel as if the connection we shared has been prematurely disconnected. I suppose I have to be fair and say that I told him not to call me again, but I just wish he would ignore me this time and call. I am beginning to wonder about my feelings. Maybe I am in love with him and I am now realising it. But I only feel this miserable once we are apart or not talking. Once we are talking I am almost indifferent to whether or not he calls. Still don't know what to do.
Angel1111 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I don't understand what NC has to do with anything. You said he tried to contact you - then contact him and patch up this mess. It's silly. I really do not think you need to be with this guy romantically because you're too ambivilant about your feelings. But you obviously cherish your friendship with him so, either get that straigthened out or not. If nothing else, make peace with how things have ended between the two of you. It's not healthy. And, btw, a few years ago, a good friend of mine got married and I was actually hurt about it. He was always nuts about me but after several years, he finally realized that we'd never have anything more than a friendship. I never slept with him or encouraged him because I just didn't feel that way about him. Anyway, when he got married, I was hurt and it really surprised me. But, those feelings disappeared within 2 weeks. It was kinda funny, really, and I have no idea why I felt that way. Well, I think I do. I knew his wife hated me and I knew that the friendship I had with him was never going to be the same. And that's exactly what happened.
Author Sequoia Posted October 14, 2008 Author Posted October 14, 2008 Since we stopped talking he has not tried to contact me unless you call hi5 invites a contacting. I just figured he just added everyone in his address book. He has not actually called. The reason why I am afraid to call is because I don't want him to think that I am trying to come between his girlfriend and him. That is because he acted that way when I was there. So I don't want to be blown off again. I agree about the ambivilance, still working on that. But I get you, I think.
Yamaha Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 I would just give him time. If your friendship was/is important to him he is probably feeling much like you and will want to know how your doing at some point.
Angel1111 Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Since we stopped talking he has not tried to contact me unless you call hi5 invites a contacting. I just figured he just added everyone in his address book. He has not actually called. The reason why I am afraid to call is because I don't want him to think that I am trying to come between his girlfriend and him. That is because he acted that way when I was there. So I don't want to be blown off again. I agree about the ambivilance, still working on that. But I get you, I think. Yes, I think his hi5 was a way of waving the white flag. And ignoring it probably really hurt him. Just pick up the phone and call him.
Author Sequoia Posted November 19, 2008 Author Posted November 19, 2008 I would just give him time. If your friendship was/is important to him he is probably feeling much like you and will want to know how your doing at some point. You were correct. He did email me about a week ago. Then he called. Interestingly though now that he has I feel like he is annoying me or something. I actually prefer the no contact scenario. It has allowed me to sort out a lot of feelings that I had that were pretty confusing. Now I want an even longer break or no contact. Maybe another yr or so perhaps!
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