kittensmittens Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Ok, first let me just say, i was in a bad relationship for 4 years....that MAY have been avoidable had I not been so naive upon entering it. So i'm trying to avoid that same naivete, but there could be a fine line between being a little wiser....or just plain paranoid. I'm not sure which one I'm being so I need a little help here... I'm dating this guy right now that I met out of state while visiting a friend. We talk every day and visit about one weekend a month. He's really sweet to me, really caring, etc. But sometimes I feel like he's maybe a little controlling. He already has pushed for us to be in an "official" relationship, which I have explained over and over, I just don't think I'm ready for....YET. But it's things like.....if there's a song on the radio and I say that I don't like it because it reminds me of an unhappy time in my life, he'll say "please can we listen to it?"...so we end up listening to it. Or, we went to the store to get breakfast food.....and it had to be HIS brand of eggs, his kind of juice, and his kind of cheese, (the only thing left was bread) even when I made it known what I would prefer. But he WAS paying for it, so I don't know. And what annoys me the most is when I'm talking to him on the phone, he cuts me off a lot with his advice or suggestions (and always elaborates on them, so I end up forgetting what I was even saying by the time he's done) or if we both start to say something at the same time, he kind of talks over me. It's like, I feel like he's not even listening, but he DOES listen....he remembers little things I've told him and he's otherwise really good to me. I guess I just get this "I'm in charge here" vibe from him and I don't like it. But I don't know if I'm just being overly cautious. If I'm NOT being too cautious.....is there a way to get him to change? We're both really open with each other and discuss things, so I've already talked to him about the whole talking over me thing. He was really bothered to know that this upset me and promised to work on it, but it's only gotten a little bit better....he's only aware ocassionally that he even does it. So what if it's just in his nature to be the one who's "in charge"? Ugh....someone please help me out here...lol.
quankanne Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I don't know about controlling, but he DOES sound rather bossy. You know, the kind of person who will steamroll over someone without realizing he's doing it. Try firmly but gently letting him know your preferences and stick up for them. If he's a genuinely decent guy, he'll take the hint and try to be more aware of when he steamrolls ... if he's a jerk (and therefore not worthy of a relationship with you), he'll kvetch you out for bringing up the point.
tanbark813 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 As far as the radio and food go, if it were all your preferences then you would be doing what you're complaining about him doing so it's a little hypocritical. If he was paying then he should have the final say. The radio thing can be pretty annoying too. Talking over you is pretty rude though. I hate when people do that so I feel you on that one. Finally, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a take-charge person. "Controlling" is kind of a loaded word with negative connotations and not really applicable in this case, IMO. It sounds more like you two just have conflicting personalities.
jadedone Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I agree, he doesn't sound controlling. Maybe just a bit eccentric with a strong personality. Maybe a little OCD. I mean, who insists on a specific brand of eggs? He's probably oblivious to how he behaves, and if he is truly nice he may try to tone it down.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I agree with the others that he doesn't neccessarily sound controlling. It sounds like he is kind of bossy and maybe "overly picky" as well. He likes it the way he likes it. That's more just having a strong personality and not so much controlling. If you have already talked to him about it and he agreed to work on it, that's all you can really do at this point. In order for him to realize what he is doing (because it's such a habit it's hard to change) he needs to get little "reminders" to help him. My own example of this: My boyfriend tends to dwell on things that happen. If his boss will say something to him at work that bothered him, he will talk about the scenerio over and over again. He knows he does this and it annoys me so when he will do it I will say "Babe, you are dwelling again!" in a fun/jokingly tone. He realizes what he is doing and then stops. So maybe saying to him something like: "Babe, you are cutting me off again!"(in a fun, upbeat tone). And just reinforce that. Making it into a fun little "game" can sometimes help to stop the pattern of behavior.
Lucky_One Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 How old is he? Lots of times when people have lived by themselves for years, it is hard to remember to take other people's preferences into account. Esp if the items are being bought for his place, where the leftovers will remain. (I only buy Eggland's Best eggs!)
Author kittensmittens Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Thanks for your replies! As far as the radio and food go, if it were all your preferences then you would be doing what you're complaining about him doing so it's a little hypocritical. I understand what you're saying and I agree with you, but if someone were riding in my car and said that a particular song reminded them of something unhappy I wouldn't push the issue and I would let them change the station. If you have already talked to him about it and he agreed to work on it, that's all you can really do at this point. In order for him to realize what he is doing (because it's such a habit it's hard to change) he needs to get little "reminders" to help him. Well, I remembered that he DID say for me to let him know when he does that, which I kind of did, but it's actually really hard to do right in the middle of a conversation about something else. I don't know if this is a good plan, but I actually tried talking over him BACK a couple of times (the way he just keeps talking over me until I shut up and listen to him)....and he just keeps on talking TOO.....then we both stop when we're both done talking and he says "what?". Ugh.....so that didn't work...haha. How old is he? Lots of times when people have lived by themselves for years, it is hard to remember to take other people's preferences into account. Esp if the items are being bought for his place, where the leftovers will remain. (I only buy Eggland's Best eggs!) He's 24 and his last serious relationship was 3 years ago, but he has dated others since then. And the leftovers were staying at my place. And...that's the brand he insisted on! haha. The only reason I have any preference is because I try to eat only free range eggs....so it kind of felt like my principals were being thrown out the window on that one.
Lucky_One Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 My Eggland's Best are free-range. Maybe they have several different kinds? Anyway, your last post sounds a bit like you are a little disenchanted with him anyway. Might be best to let this one go easy, rather than keep something going if you feel he is not listening to you.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Well, I remembered that he DID say for me to let him know when he does that, which I kind of did, but it's actually really hard to do right in the middle of a conversation about something else. I don't know if this is a good plan, but I actually tried talking over him BACK a couple of times (the way he just keeps talking over me until I shut up and listen to him)....and he just keeps on talking TOO.....then we both stop when we're both done talking and he says "what?". Ugh.....so that didn't work...haha. Talking over him back probably isn't going to work. Okay, he told you to give him reminders. My suggestion is this: When he starts talking over you, cut him off: "Babe, you are doing it again!!!! Stop talking!" (real loudly, but in a nice tone) Okay, now. Please let me say what I am going to say and please listen. When I'm done, I will tell you and you can speak. Can we try that?" And see what happens. I know it sounds like you are training a dog or something, but that's essentially what you are doing. Re-training him to behave in a different way. If that doesn't work, then evaluate how much you like this guy and decide whether to just cut your losses. You said yourself you weren't ready for anything serious, so would it be a huge loss to let this one go?
amymarieca Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I hate to jump to extremes here, but this is the exact behaviour of one of my exes who ended up being a controlling *******. Things like this start out small in the beginning and only get worse as the relationship goes on. Who cares if he treats you nice otherwise! Those big things that annoy you are going to eventually get to you and you will end the relationship. There are men out there who can be sweethearts and not bossy all at the same time.
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