Delarocha Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Hello all, I've started to write about this three times now and each time I've just decided to close my browser and not post. I'll try to make this as brief as I can (It will be long anyway). I was married in 2005 and it lasted a year and several months. When things ended I was devastated to say the least. Between that time and now, however, I spent a lot of time on myself. I have been in the gym non stop, going to therapy, eating right, trying to hang with friends, etc. I truly feel healed from that relationship, but perhaps at the cost of a friend due to my own selfishness and stupidity. Not long after my divorce was over I started casually seeing someone whom I considered a friend. We would hang out almost every weekend and things were great. A couple months into this casual relationship things started to heat up and get physical. You know how things progress, and a year later I found myself in a situation where i was being introduced as "my boyfriend" and I didn't know what to do. I REALLY care about this person and their feelings, but I guess I'm a real dunce when it comes to knowing how to sit down and talk about where the relationship is going. To make a long story less long, we BOTH more or less ignored having a conversation about what we wanted out of the relationship. She, not being very experienced in dating (I think), may not have wanted to ask questions for fear of what the answers would be. I was enjoying having someone to hang out with, and I guess I just didn't want to rock the boat. I realized that although I enjoyed being with this person as a friend, I wasn't feeling that "spark" of romantic attraction in the way I wanted to. I feel like I really started treating her poorly by just ignoring the situaton. Some weekends I would ignore calls from her and sit in front of the TV. This behavior was really only a recent thing over the past two or three weeks, and I guess I was trying to figure out what I really wanted to do. Well, she called me a couple of days ago and wanted answers, as she is far from stupid and can sense my hesitations. Although I WANTED to meet her in person, I felt I couldn't delay since she was asking me straight up and I explained my feelings over the phone. I told her how I thought she was a wonderful person, and an awesome friend, and that I just wasn't treating her how she deserved to be treated. I told her I started to ask myself WHY I was doing that, and the answer was I wasn't feeling romantically attracted the way I should be. I explained that we should stop seeing each other romantically, but that I hoped someday we could remain friends. She took all of this sooooo well, and yet I KNOW I hurt her. Fast forward to today. She hasn't called me, showing a great deal of strength, and I am glad for her. The thing is... I feel horrible... Perhaps I am making this all up in my mind, but everytime I think about her hurting I cry. She truly is an AWESOME person and we had great times together and she deserves to be happy. I think I made the right decision as I feel the need to date other people and see if I can find that "spark" I am after... at the same time I MAY have ruined a friendship and don't know how to ease her pain. (if I even can at all)... To sum it all up... I guess I wasn't ready to committ to anything. I feel extremely selfish that I had this person there to comfort me, and in the end discover that I DIDN'T really feel the way I thought I did. I feel like a horrible person, and it pains me... I guess I'm not sure why I am posting this. I don't really know if I am looking for advice (what is there to do)... I just needed to vent... to tell someone... or to at least write it all down. For what it's worth. I'm sorry, I never intended to hurt someone else to make myself feel better.
mlchris2 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I think you did the right thing... for yourself. You said the spark isnt there, it wouldnt be fair to the both of you if you kept the relationship going. You feel horrible because she is your friend and you truly seem to care, regardless if its romantic or not. She might be hurt and the best thing to do is to give her some space and let her workout her feelings. Believe it or not, she probably grew strong feelings for you, more than you know. You never know what might happen in the future with you two, just dont burn bridges, specially with friends. Hopefully you and her get past it and can get back to hanging out and doing things together.
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