kizik Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Hey all, I don't post much here, but once upon a time, this site saved my life. I'm a 24-year-old guy in Portland, Oregon whose R ended about 5 months ago. This was a girl I had been with for three years, almost one year in an LDR. We had known each other since age twelve, and this was the 3rd time we had dated. The third time, apparently, is NOT a charm. Since we split, I have made some incredible changes in my life that I almost want to thank her for. I transfered to Portland State, where I have the opportunity to meet people (doesn't happen much in the suburbs, where I was). I got a job working for a law firm. I started recording an album, which is now nearing completion. I'd like to say my friends helped me a lot, but the truth is, I had to do it all myself. Maybe some people in my position would have broken down, become self- destructive, whatever. I don't know. All I know is that I have found a strength inside myself that I didn't know existed. Everyone, I just want friends. A girlfriend. SOMETHING. But it takes so much time and patience, and people don't approach you just because you want them to. I guess what I am trying to say is, you can be a winner, but it has to be FROM yourself, and FOR yourself. This life is a terribly lonely enterprise. I'm not writing here to tell you that "once you get over your ex, you will be happy!" I still think about Rachel every day. And I miss her. And I think she is an incredibly foolish person for letting someone as great as myself go. And I'm not happy. Not yet. But everything, all the success I have had since the breakup, has been 100% ME. No one held my hand, and no one is ever going to. If any inspiration can be found in this post, let it be this: do everything for yourself, because in the end, you are the only person who can get your a$$ off that couch. And you are the only person, perhaps, who will ALWAYS be there for you. Everything else is just sugar on top. Feel free to disagree with me.
Trimmer Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I am convinced that becoming "whole" by yourself is an important part of having a healthy life, and even eventually having a healthy relationship. If you look to someone else to "complete you" (I loved the movie Jerry Maguire, but I bristle when I remember that it introduced that "you complete me" idea to the lexicon...) if you look for a relationship to fill a hole in your life, then you aren't completing the job of becoming a whole individual yourself first. The other thing I get from your post - in your almost thanking Rachel for the changes you have gone through - is that after a certain point in our lives, significant change often only comes about through some kind of trauma or shock. So congratulations for taking that shock - which could have bogged you down - and using it as fuel for positive change within yourself. Good luck.
Trialbyfire Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Why is it a dumb post? You've accomplished some things in your life that you wanted to express. Congrats on moving forward! Only you can make you happy.
borelandkaren Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 This was a dumb f*cking post anyway. Not so. Hi Kizik. So glad to hear that things are going well for you and congrats on the recording. Please let me know how it goes for you. You're dead right. No-one else can do ANYTHING for us because we Must go thru every emotion known to get to the other side. You say you're not yet happy but you have an indomitable spirit and I know that you'll look back (as do I) on that period of your life and feel a wistful sense of loss, rather than an overwhelming one. The beauty of life is that time marches on, taking us along with it, banishing the bad memories along the way. In their place, we need to make new, happier memories, so the bad can be looked back upon as a source of learning. Good luck in your endeavours, Kizik and enjoy.:)
Nemo Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 This was a dumb f*cking post anyway. It was something of an ego trip, I have to agree.
Crazy.S Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 i agree with your original post. i feel the same in one way or another.
Deegee Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Thank you Kizik! Your encouraging words have given me hope that there WILL be light at the end of the tunnel. But honestly, some days feel SOOOOOOOO bad, and I honestly can't see a way out, then I come across a story as yours and realize that we'll all be fine. So, again, thank you. My favorite part is when you say your ex was an "incredibly foolish person for letting someone as great as myself go...."! I have to agree with you on that. MAYBE our ex's will see this, maybe not, but WE know it to be true, and I'm really good with that!
Author kizik Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Trimmer, you make a good point about how we as people sometimes look to others to "complete" us, and that it is an unhealthy desire. As a result, a lot of R's are codependent (as mine was), and people stay in crappy situations b/c they're scared of the unknown alternative (as I was). I appreciate your well-articulated compliments about me using it as fuel to advance my life. Trialbyfire and Karen, thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot. Nemo- why do you even post? I've read a lot of yours, and generally they are sarcastic and unhelpful comments. Deegee- I am glad I inspired or helped you! I'm surprised actually, b/c the tone of the post was cynical and bittersweet. I think my point was that although I still miss her and think about her a lot (after 5 months), I haven't let the breakup affect my life in any negative ways.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Since we split, I have made some incredible changes in my life that I almost want to thank her for. I transfered to Portland State, where I have the opportunity to meet people (doesn't happen much in the suburbs, where I was). I got a job working for a law firm. I started recording an album, which is now nearing completion. Congratulations on all the success, kizik! I only broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, but I foresee a lot of good times and success in my near future as well (getting back in great shape, making new friends, improving my freelancing business, and also recording an album!). I'm beginning a lot of reading, instrospection, and self-development, and I know it's going to serve me very well in the future. So many people are afraid of being single, but I think tremendous things can happen when you focus all your attention on yourself.
0hpenelope Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Thanks for the update, kizik. It's good to see you're doing well.
ed-205 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Good post, kizik! It's always hard to remember through the pain and depression that one day you will wake-up and actually feel OK about yourself again. I'm glad you made it!
LikeCharlotte Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 All I know is that I have found a strength inside myself that I didn't know existed. You knew it was there. You just needed a reason to tap into it! I'm am very happy to hear that you've come so far. I wondered what would be deus ex machina in the story of Kizik's broken heart and I believe it is the new job. When you say that you had to do it all yourself you are seeing something that is essential to survival. It's true that we all need other people and that cooperation and communication move our world but in the end we all die alone. You are the master of your destiny; success is subjective and "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return". Good to see you here again.
CaliGuy Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Kizik, this is great story and once again proves: "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger." I went from being the most outgoing and socially happy person in the world to a recluse after my ex. It took me a long time to get my stuff together and get things in gear. For me it was simply time to do a total evaluation of my life and decide that I wasn't a bad person nor was she, I just choose "bad people" for me. Congrats on getting your life back together. You are the only person on this planet responsible for your wants, needs and happiness. You've realized that. Now move forward and upward with this momentum. Life really is what you make of it. You can wallow it self-pity or you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and take life head on. Good job, man!
foxh1234 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Hey Kiz, glad to hear your doing well. Keep it up and keep my posted on school and your music, which is great BTW. Take care my friend.
Author kizik Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Thanks everyone for the congrats. What's funny is that the whole point of the thread was not to show how far I've come, but rather to say that even though I've made some big life changes, I still miss her, and that the pain does not just go away simply b/c one betters oneself. I think LikeCharlotte is right in saying that my new job is the turning point, and this is because it is a very good job, and obtaining it had zero to do with my ex's lame a$$. This brought about a sense of independence and reward that I have not felt since the breakup. Thanks to all for your comments.
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