OMG, he called me!

[shadowplay]

wow, weird. I don't understand the ambiguous signals this guy is sending you, and usually it seems pretty black and white with men. This reminds me of a painful situation I was in over the summer where I thought a guy I liked was asking me out on a date but it turned out to be just "hanging out." I had no clue guys did that with girls, but apparently they do.

It seems like there's more potential in your case, though, because he's been good with the communication. I think he has at least some romantic interest in you. I doubt he'd have invited some girl he just wanted to be friends with on a road trip. But who knows. This guy is blowing hot and cold. Either way, I agree with the others that he's not crazy about you at this point...but maybe if he gets to know you better, that could change? I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment! Good luck.

[norajane]

LL-

 

no need to have a "talk" with a guy about his intentions with you at this point or anytime soon. view him as a friend that is asking you to do things he knows may interest you.

 

don't make a big deal about any of it... and don't be available every time he asks. i think it's actually good it didn't work out for this weekend... if he wants to see you - he has to try again.

 

by asking his intentions with you or the other gal is requiring him to explain his position before he may be ready - thus scaring him away before things get started. he'll tell you things when he is ready - or not.

 

just lay low and enjoy his company when you are able to go out with him. don't make a big deal of any of it - just go have fun!

 

I totally agree with this.

 

There's one kind of dating where you meet, someone asks someone on a date, and they get to know each other by dating.

 

And then there's another kind of dating where there's someone you start getting together with more often...hanging out...and you get to know each other and see if you keep enjoying it and if so, you see each other again until, at some point, there's a kiss. And then it all changes.

 

This is a really fun place to be with him. Take your time and see how you are together. If you're both enjoying it, it could turn into a relationship. Enjoy it for what it is on its face and see if it turns into anything naturally without forcing it through a conversation.

[LoveLace]

I totally agree with this.

 

There's one kind of dating where you meet, someone asks someone on a date, and they get to know each other by dating.

 

And then there's another kind of dating where there's someone you start getting together with more often...hanging out...and you get to know each other and see if you keep enjoying it and if so, you see each other again until, at some point, there's a kiss. And then it all changes.

 

This is a really fun place to be with him. Take your time and see how you are together. If you're both enjoying it, it could turn into a relationship. Enjoy it for what it is on its face and see if it turns into anything naturally without forcing it through a conversation.

 

Yea you are right, our situation is a bit "different" I guess because we've actually known each other a long time as acquaintances, it's weird because we're "getting to know each other" even though we already knew each other...lol...and its as though we've established a better friendship before experimenting with more, which friends are telling me, you can't go wrong with that. It IS a fun place to be. One friend told me "he keeps you guessing and that's kind of cool"..she is tired of guys being too possessive of her too soon.

 

I wasn't hoping to force it in conversation though; I just think it'll be necessary to talk about if things get more affectionate...not to say that he'll kiss me and then I'll go, "hey, what about her?"...but at some point. In the mean time trust me, I'm having lotsa fun here. The best part is I'm very happy with the pace.

 

He got me out of the house the other night because I had cabin fever after taking care of my mom for a few days after a car wreck, which he knew all about. And yes this is something a "friend" would do. But if that's what kind of friend he is, imagine him as a BF! When we were out, I was talking to a couple of nice girls sitting next to us (I'm way outgoing); I turned to look at him, and he was already smiling and our eyes met - we held that for a good few seconds and my stomach turned. I finally just gave him a wink and looked away (it seems I always look away 1st when he does this) - but this was the 1st time i had that stomach feeling with deep eye contact in a long time, in fact I'm not sure I've ever had this at all. Well thanks I'll keep playing it cool as I can and be back to tell all, you know I will!

[shadowplay]

any updates?

[LoveLace]

Yes actually, funny you ask. Things got crazy in general for a little while...our schedules weren't matching up right...my job schedule is all over the map and he's pretty limited too since he works both days and nights...

 

Then I knew his 5 day vacation out of town with the long-distance casual gal was approaching, so I backed off on going to see him play, etc. However we were still emailing and one day I slipped and pretty much spelled out how I feel about him; at the same time acknowledged how happy I am with what great friends we've become. Then we talked on the phone a few days later but that email didn't come up (except he apologized for not getting back to me..which I said was fine since I sord of regretted sending it anyway). I worried some that my email freaked him out.

 

But only a few days later, which was 3 days ago, and said it was his last night of "freedom" before preparation for his trip outta town. And he asked me out for drinks. We went to a place we're both familiar with from years ago, where he ended up playing some music with the jazz band and it was a most fabulous time. We talked and laughed a lot, he paid for everything. He even suggested going to a bar open later to extend the night even longer. When we talk it's non-stop. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking, the guy is about to be on vacation with another woman. What is he doing with me? Yet he's a total gentleman. Then we had to go because he had to work the next morning. He walked me to the car with his hand at the small of my back. He said "gimmee some love" (?) then we hugged tightly and I kissed his cheek. I easily could have kissed him for real, but knowing where he'll be in a few days...didn't feel right.

 

I hope he didn't feel dissed by that, but rather understanding that I won't make out just before he's to leave on a trip with "her". I know he's claimed to not want a serious thing with her. And the reason he's going on the trip is because SHE is paying for everything. And it was planned before we got closer. We've made it clear that we'll be hanging out in the future and talk about things to do together. So I know I haven't done anything to ruin whatever we have. But I can't help but wonder what the he(( he's got in mind for me or for her. After learning how I feel, he seems to want my company more. Perhaps I'm making too big a deal out of just a kiss because it isn't like he tried to sleep with me or something. But I also feel like I've done the right thing. What do you think?

[norajane]

You mean he never said anything in response to your email?

 

I think you totally did the right thing by stepping back a little bit. He's going on this vacation just because this other woman he's seeing paid for the whole thing? And he's told you he doesn't want anything serious with her? What woman pays for a vacation with a man she's not serious with?

 

Do you want something serious with him?

 

Stop worrying about scaring him away. If he gets scared away because you don't want to make out with a guy who's going on vacation with another woman (!), good riddance. If you're going to have a real, grown-up relationship with him, then he needs to stop seeing this other woman he supposedly doesn't want to get serious with. You have every right to stand firm on that, no hanky panky until he stops seeing her.

[LoveLace]

You mean he never said anything in response to your email?

 

I think you totally did the right thing by stepping back a little bit. He's going on this vacation just because this other woman he's seeing paid for the whole thing? And he's told you he doesn't want anything serious with her? What woman pays for a vacation with a man she's not serious with?

 

Do you want something serious with him?

 

Stop worrying about scaring him away. If he gets scared away because you don't want to make out with a guy who's going on vacation with another woman (!), good riddance. If you're going to have a real, grown-up relationship with him, then he needs to stop seeing this other woman he supposedly doesn't want to get serious with. You have every right to stand firm on that, no hanky panky until he stops seeing her.

 

 

Thank you! So I'm not being too "prude" about the whole thing. I'd love to see it get more serious between us. I don't think I've scared him off anymore though, quite the contrary. So what am I supposed to do when I see him after the trip? Tell him I want to date him and the other gal has got to go?

 

We didn't talk about the email however he apologized more than once about not writing back, matter of fact he did that enough times to drive me crazy. I didn't want to talk about it which might be a bad thing, but I also thought what's the point when he already knows darn well what it said? And he took me out afterwards, and that to me was a response in itself, but who knows. He might have been trying to get me to talk about it more by apologizing over and over, I don't know.\

 

I'd hope he's smart enough to realize that I didn't kiss him because of the trip; and that should tell him what he'd have to do before going further with me. But like we always say around here, guys can't read our minds, we gotta come out with it. So maybe I'll have to - in person.

[norajane]

You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. It should be common sense that you aren't going to want to get physically involved if he's seeing someone else. You shouldn't even get emotionally involved while he's seeing someone else.

 

If she's not a serious gf, he should end that relationship if he wants one with you. As long as he continues to see her, you are off limits, and you can and should keep it that way by continuing to step back if he tries for more. Tell him then, if he tries for more.

[LoveLace]

He's away on vacation as we speak, and it's been bugging me more than I expected it to. It's a good thing I didn't kiss him because now I'm thinking about him gettin' cozy with her. But he's back in 2 more days, then I'll feel better .

 

He's constantly making references to things "we should" do together. Next time I see him, (or talk to him), I'm insisting that we get on the same page (not a bitchy way of course). Where is he with her, for one thing. He's told me about that already, but after the trip, who knows if things change. I will tell him we can be "friends" or date, but there will be no dating me + someone else, long-distance, non-serious, or not. I don't share.

[2sunny]

He's away on vacation as we speak, and it's been bugging me more than I expected it to. It's a good thing I didn't kiss him because now I'm thinking about him gettin' cozy with her. But he's back in 2 more days, then I'll feel better .

 

He's constantly making references to things "we should" do together. Next time I see him, (or talk to him), I'm insisting that we get on the same page (not a bitchy way of course). Where is he with her, for one thing. He's told me about that already, but after the trip, who knows if things change. I will tell him we can be "friends" or date, but there will be no dating me + someone else, long-distance, non-serious, or not. I don't share.

 

when he suggests things you should do together - you could respond with - "i would go if you would ask me"

 

you can share him if he's not serious with her... totally depends on how serious he is. that is why it's called "dating" otherwise it is called "committed", engaged or married...

 

if he's dating both of you - he should be honest to both of you - nothing wrong with that. it allows you to keep your guard up, set your boundaries firmer, not expect so much, date others if you want and to have the understanding that you don't want to have sex with him while he's still "dating around."

 

just be clear on what you do and don't want from him.

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Yeah, I don't think that mentioning the "sort-of seeing someone" means conclusively that he will never want to date you exclusively. I actually did the same thing, the last time I was dating - I had a guy I was seeing for about a month, but we weren't exclusive. I hadn't seen anyone else, but then the guy went to Turkey for 2.4 weeks to see his ex-girlfriend...and I met someone else that I really liked. So, I started dating the new person (the one I refer to in my "date again in a while" thread!), but told him that I technically was seeing the guy in Turkey, too.

 

When the Turkey guy got back, the new guy and I were seeing each other a ton and had been intimate, so I broke it off with the Turkey guy. It can happen!

 

One caveat to this is that I'm a girl, and you're talking about a guy. Some people think that men operate differently about these sorts of things - so who knows.

 

I'd keep seeing him, take it slow, and see where things lead. Just be careful. You don't want to get hurt! Maybe you ALSO seeing other people would even the playing field up a bit....

 

Just my thoughts!

 

-Hilarie

[Mary3]

Thanks for bringing this up. I was thinking that the whole time while reading this thread and someone finally said it.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but when a guy is totally into you, he won't wait three whole weeks to call. It sounds like he is keeping both of you on the back burner and you are willing to put up with that. Don't you want someone who only wants to be with you?

 

This reminds me of a guy I was dating about a month ago. He was fabulous- charming, successful, kind, and incredibly good looking. I thought I was going to melt when I was around him. The situation was very similar to yours- he never really established that we were ever dating officially. I finally woke up and realized I was being toyed with. No matter how fantastic this guy was, he was never going to care for me the way I wanted. It took all my strength to cut him off, but I am glad I did it. I deserve better.

 

I agreee with this poster and the previous poster . This guy mentions this girl to let you know hes no so totally free to see you but shrugs her off like a bad cockroach.

I would not get too involved with a guy that calls you 3 weeks later....

 

He could be trying to move you into booty zone.

 

Or....he could be telling you " Hey thanks for hanging out tonite and I will see ya around.

 

Of course you wish for the romance back . You want us to believe no NC contact works.

 

But NC is never for them. Its for you .

[LoveLace]

I agreee with this poster and the previous poster . This guy mentions this girl to let you know hes no so totally free to see you but shrugs her off like a bad cockroach.

I would not get too involved with a guy that calls you 3 weeks later....

 

He could be trying to move you into booty zone.

 

Or....he could be telling you " Hey thanks for hanging out tonite and I will see ya around.

 

Of course you wish for the romance back . You want us to believe no NC contact works.

 

But NC is never for them. Its for you .

 

 

 

Well other things have happened since all that...he's called me up and taken me out since then and we're also officially on a phone basis vs. email (thank god.) It's just been going VERY slow which is fine because we've known each other for a long time, and we have a mutual friend, so its not a great idea to jump in head first anyhow. This is the 1st time I've had something go so slowly, but I have to say I've been more than happy with the pace.

 

But Scraggle and Sunny I think you are right. I mean with me, he made it sound as though the relationship is nothing he wants to get serious with. Maybe it IS more serious than he lead on; but I was talking to a girl friend yesterday...her and her Ex are still good friends. They used to break up and make up constantly. But he recently admitted to her that he would act like things weren't going well or that it wasn't serious with other women, because he was really trying to back together with HER. He said if she wanted to back together, he'd break up with the women, but if not he'd just keep them. This is a different situation than mine of course, but it makes sense when I remember C telling me how non-serious it apparently is.

 

Matter of fact I had some football tix fall into my hands for this weekend and he loves football, so I'll ask him to go. But at the current time he might be confused - since I was too shy to talk about it last time - so I'm not sure how to convey that I for sure want to try being more than friends. He knows how I feel because of email but I have yet to vocalize it. Should I flat out say "long as your sleeping with someone else though, we should take it very slowly"?

[Jilly Bean]

LL - what signs has he given you that he even thinks of you romantically? It seems that if he is off on vacation with his girlfriend, then you are just a friend to him.

 

And this line: "Should I flat out say "long as your sleeping with someone else though, we should take it very slowly"?"

 

Is just wrong on a lot of levels.

 

If he's sleeping with someone else, and not you, then you are a friend.

 

If he's sleeping with someone else, AND sleeping with you, he's a player.

 

If he's sleeping with someone else and is trying to sleep with you, then he's a pig.

[Mary3]

LL - what signs has he given you that he even thinks of you romantically? It seems that if he is off on vacation with his girlfriend, then you are just a friend to him.

 

And this line: "Should I flat out say "long as your sleeping with someone else though, we should take it very slowly"?"

 

Is just wrong on a lot of levels.

 

If he's sleeping with someone else, and not you, then you are a friend.

 

If he's sleeping with someone else, AND sleeping with you, he's a player.

 

If he's sleeping with someone else and is trying to sleep with you, then he's a pig.

 

WOW beautiful ! The thing that gets me Lovelace is when you talk about girlfriend and her and / ex that would constantly break up ( you said he would do it to get a reaction ) I mean HOW healthy is that ? . You don't advocate that do you ?

 

May I say with all delicacy that you can't be taking him to BB games and asking him out because you are going to do all the work and the man MUST persue !

 

You may want this hot handsome guy like nobodys business but he has to initiate the dates. If you want him as a buddy , then ask him out to BB game,. If you want him as a boyfriend he needs to be FREE , single , available and persuing you !

[LoveLace]

Well I'm asking him to the game because I'm stuck with the tickets and I don't know anyone else who might be able to go, as of now. If I come up with another guest in the next 2 days, then great. Otherwise I'm going to ask him. And so far he's taken me out twice. So he's ahead of me on that one. He's also the one constantly suggesting we hang out more. So I don't think asking him to the game is going to hurt anything. It doesn't mean he can't still "pursue" me. And actually, guys I've known have always complemented me on my ability to be both the "buddy" and a "girlfriend" in a relationship. And yes as now we ARE friends, because obviously he is NOT sleeping with me. And he has not TRIED to sleep with me, so he is nor a "pig". When he took me out last, he was opening doors for me and paying for everything, etc. He made it clear that he doesn't want to be more serious with this gal than it already is. The trip was planned before we ever went out for the 1st time. The trip was all paid for, by HER. So why wouldn't ya go, just because you've been out with someone else you haven't even kissed yet?

 

I also got an email today from our mutual friend (who lives another country) and she said she "heard" that me and C have been hanging out. She said "sounds like something's brewing" with a smiley face. So he's obviously been talking to her about me. I haven't been discussing any of this with her at all, because they are like brother/sister and I decided it best not to involve her. And it's not likely she heard it from someone else because he and I don't really have any other mutual friends. I emailed her back but I just said I do like him and left it at that. I want to refrain from using her for advice unless she offers, at this point.

[LoveLace]

As much as I'd LOVE C's company for the football game, I'm having 2nd thoughts. He's going to step off a plance and walk right into gigs 3 nights in a row; Being in a loud place is probably not his idea of his only day off...so I can easily take someone else...that and I would have to call him to ask him, which I really don't want to do right now. I might change my mind sometimes, but I'm looking at NC for at least another few days. (After the weekend, it'll be 2 weeks since we talked, I'd say that's a good number). Then I might call him just to say hi and take it from there. But I have a feeling that he'll call me after the weekend anyhow. He'll be surprised I if I haven't called by then (maybe... he's called twice vs. my one time).

 

I'll have to ask him how vacation was otherwise I'd feel rude (wtf?); I don't want him to elaborate Although her name has come up a couple of times, he doesn't really elaborate much so far. But I know that when I go on vacation, everyone I know is going to hear about it from beginning to end;). We'll see. Maybe I'll get a better clue of how "non serious" they really are. That could make a difference in how I feel...

[LoveLace]

I finally beat it out of C, what's going on! We established we are only friends and both felt bad about any "misleading" going on. Frankly I was relieved to no end. I couldn't take all the mystery and pressure of it all anymore! He's a lovely man but I couldn't ask for a better friend, in that sense of someone of the opposite sex that you know won't try to get you into bed. You'd think the result would upset me but man I never expected to be so delighted....he made me promise that our friendship wouldn't be affected by all this confusion and I promised him that with total sincerity! So now i feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders and there's nothing to worry about. Don't know how i'll ever date anyone because I don't handle the stress of it well!