Reggie Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I think the kids would be better off not dealing with him. I think you will have a hard enough time explaining your decision to have children with a married man and reconciling that decision with values of honesty and faithfulness that you will want to instill in the kids. This guy will have zero credibility on issues of morality etc. IS a married guy that cheats on his wife and has kids with the OW really someone you want influencing your kids?
Author mistresswchildren Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 I was. I did. About 20 years ago. I raised them as my own. They're MY kids...their 'bio dad' tried to get into their lives out of the blue when they were about 8...and I got on the phone and told him point blank that he gave up the right to be 'daddy' when he abandoned them and their mom when they were 3 months old. He's not been back in the picture since. They NEVER resented me. They were little when I met her. We have two more 'of my own' born since...but it NEVER made any kind of difference at all, whatsoever. There's NEVER been any distinction made...of any kind at all. In my heart...my oldest two are just that...they're my oldest kids. I think you're doing yourself and your kids a disservice by counting you and your kids out of the picture already when it comes to possibly meeting someone. Now...when they're OLDER...yes, you could well have some issues with trying to introduce a man then. But your oldest is 4, right? You've got a few years yet before that becomes insurmountable. From all that you've documented here, MM has made every indication that he does NOT want the job of being their daddy. You say he deserves the chance to be one IF HE WANTS TO...he's already shown you that this isn't the case, right? I'm not trying to be harsh...but there's something about this whole situation that strikes a chord with me. You don't sound like you're in danger of losing your kids because they're not taken care of. Don't RUSH into whatever is coming in your lives...take the time now to enjoy what you've got. If a 'daddy' comes along...great!!! If not...you CAN raise healthy kids all on your own, as long as YOU are a healthy, well balanced mom. THAT is what they need far more than some deadbeat who's only claim on their lives was a desire to get it on with someone other than his wife. I applaud you for that (although I realize that you don't feel as if you need any applause for it). I just don't think that it is going to go that way for me. I've dated. The guys I have already met are completely distant when it comes to the kids. It actually makes me upset because my children are the only thing that really matters to me. I don't know if it is because the guys are just not mature enough or if it is because they want their own kids before they take on any one else's. I have no clue as to what keeps the men at bay, but I am fairly certain that the kids plus my independence is somewhat daunting for any guy. I don't know if their father has really shown that he doesn't want them. He says he does want to see them. If he truly means that, I have yet to see it. I'm not forcing the issue. I just want to hear it from his mouth. I want to hear him say that he doesn't want to be a part of their lives. There is more finality in that. I don't think that what happened with you will happen with me. I cannot see him giving up simply because another guy gets on the phone with him and tells him what a piece of crap he really is. If anything, he would push harder. If I hear all of this from him, then I won't have to worry about it in the future. I could never handle handing my children over to a guy that has decided to ignore them for years. It happens so often too. So many guys aren't "ready" to be a father, and then when it suits their purpose they all of a sudden want to try to be "daddy." I don't want that for the kids. Legally, I would have no choice but to give into his whimsical fancy. I don't have the ability to fight it in court (at least not right now). PS My oldest is 2 1/2 years old. My youngest is 15 months. They are only 16 months apart. I realize that gives me time, but it is time that I don't need or want. I don't want someone else. Plain and simple. I hated my step-father for what he did to my sisters and me. I don't ever want my children to go through that. I will be alone, and I am not exactly sad about it. I have my lonely moments, but they pass.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 PS My oldest is 2 1/2 years old. My youngest is 15 months. They are only 16 months apart. I realize that gives me time, but it is time that I don't need or want. I don't want someone else. Plain and simple. I hated my step-father for what he did to my sisters and me. I don't ever want my children to go through that. I will be alone, and I am not exactly sad about it. I have my lonely moments, but they pass. What you are doing here is forcing yourself to want someone because you "think" that is the best thing/what you're resigned to. Kinda like staying with a cheating spouse who gave them an STD. Would you marry a man who would do to your children what your step-father did to you? I don't think so. So why would you convince yourself that the best father for your child is one who's never been around and doesn't want to be around? Don't they deserve better? You are enacting a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't meet anyone appropriate, because you don't think you will and haven't yet. It takes time, but there's someone out there. You give off vibes without knowing it. You know, the don't look over here, come over here, talk to me vibes. I have two kids. It didn't stop my honey. And they're 7 & 9 now. They love him and he loves them. That's the definition of family. Blood is simply blood. A relationship transcends definition. GEL
Author mistresswchildren Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 What you are doing here is forcing yourself to want someone because you "think" that is the best thing/what you're resigned to. Kinda like staying with a cheating spouse who gave them an STD. Would you marry a man who would do to your children what your step-father did to you? I don't think so. So why would you convince yourself that the best father for your child is one who's never been around and doesn't want to be around? Don't they deserve better? You are enacting a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't meet anyone appropriate, because you don't think you will and haven't yet. It takes time, but there's someone out there. You give off vibes without knowing it. You know, the don't look over here, come over here, talk to me vibes. I have two kids. It didn't stop my honey. And they're 7 & 9 now. They love him and he loves them. That's the definition of family. Blood is simply blood. A relationship transcends definition. GEL I am not saying that he is the best father for them, but right now he is their only chance at a father. I realize that other people want to find someone else, but I am not one of those people. I have resigned myself to a life alone. I need no one else besides my children. My children are what will always keep me going even after they are on their own. They are what matters now and forever. The rest is just details. I didn't know you had two kids. Did you ever have to explain to them what went on? I know I will eventually have to tell my children about the affair, but that is not for another decade or more. I just wondered if you ever had to answer some questions about the whole thing or not.
signedin2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I hated my step-father for what he did to my sisters and me. I don't ever want my children to go through that. Did he abused you physically? Did you ever report him? I will be alone, and I am not exactly sad about it. I have my lonely moments, but they pass. This is just so unfortunate for someone like you to end up like that. In today's America society, elders are no longer respected and certain wisdom, including how important it is to choose the right mate and what behaviors are unacceptable, have not passed on to the younger generation. Liberalism (in certain respect) and doing what "feels good" have destroyed the right path of many youth and sometimes, even their lives. I guess I am just venting on society's behave.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I didn't know you had two kids. Did you ever have to explain to them what went on? I know I will eventually have to tell my children about the affair, but that is not for another decade or more. I just wondered if you ever had to answer some questions about the whole thing or not. What is there to explain? I started dating a man that they didn't meet until we were serious, which was a couple years later. They were young when we started dating. They do not need all the details. They know we moved into together and they have an almost step-sister. Children don't need a barrage of adult information they don't understand. Now if they ever asked me about it, then I'd tell them the truth. But that won't be for a long time. And really, I don't think it would change anything anyway. They love us and we love them.
Recommended Posts