Ex-gf sleeps with friend 2wks after breakup, now wants to get back together

[jdover52]

Hey guys, been reading these forums a lot lately trying to get some perspective, hoping to get some advice so I'll try and keep this short:

 

Gf and I dated 2.5 years, towards the end, we start taking each other for granted (I definitely take my share of the blame), less talking, more fights, etc... We planned going to the Olympics together this summer. 2 weeks before the trip, she calls me out of the blue and tells me she thinks we should go on a break. I asked her why and for how long and she says she doesn't know, I figure she wanted to breakup and was letting me down slowly so I end it. I initiate NC, end up going on the trip by myself.

 

Half way through the trip, I find out she hooked up with a friend she met this summer. Coming back to college, I have a talk w/ her, finds out she actually slept with her friend. Apparently, he's liked her this entire summer (which she claims she didn't know about until after we broke up). He was in town, she invited him to stay at her place as a "friend." He shows up, tries to kiss her first thing and she pulls away. They spend the next day going around town, that night, they end up going to a party, have a little alcohol. Going back to her place, he makes a move and she doesn't say no this time... The next day, she realizes what she did, says she still missed me and kicks her friend out of the house. 2 days later, pictures from the party get put up on facebook and I block her. Almost immediately after, she starts contacting me, telling me how much she misses me, still loves me, etc...

 

Fast forward to today, it's been a month since I've gotten back to school. We've started hanging out again, trying to take things slow. We've had some long talks; she's told me that she's learned from her mistakes and doesn't want to hurt me again, and we've talked about the problems with our first relationship and how we can try to resolve them. I know that she would never cheat on me (she doesn't talk to her friend anymore) but I did lose a little trust in her. The biggest obstacle for me is, every now and then I still think about her sleeping with another guy it still really bothers me.

 

I love her and do care about her, but it doesn't feel the same as the first time. Part of me is scared that this will happen again, that she thought the grass was greener on the other side and realized it wasn't, even though she promises that it wasn't the case. I don't know what I should do now, to make things even more complicated, we're both seniors in college and applying to graduate schools so if we want to be together next year (I don't want to do a LDR), we have to decide relatively soon. Would love to get some advice, thanks.

[BCCA]

Personally, I would walk away from this and never look back. She slept with someone else 2 weeks after she 'wanted a break'. Dont make excuses for her, she knew what she was doing when she was drinking with this guy and having him stay at her place. What do you think she thought was going to happen when a guy she had been drinking with went back to her place? There aren't a lot of variables here...she knew full well she was going to sleep with him.

 

It took you blocking her for her to contact you and realize she misses you. Why do you think that is? I can tell you - she wants her security blanket back. Think about it, has she ever told you she wants to get back together? My guess it that shes only making vague references to the past relationship, and what she could have done differently. If she was serious about keeping things with you, she would have wanted to get back and make a committed effort. Until she does that, youre only getting lip service.

 

I also think she purposefully went out and had some fun with this guy, to prove that she is 'single' to herself, and YOU. Dont buy the alcohol/dont know what I was doing crap. That is just not true at all. Im a big boy, hooked up with my fair share of women, and have never gone back to a girls house or mine after a night out with the intention of anything but having sex.

 

Point is, she isnt really doing anything to make me feel like she's interested in making things right and forming a relationship with you. My feeling is that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. If you dont feel the same way, ask her about getting back together and see how much wishy washy garbage comes out. Dont confuse 'taking things slow' with not getting a commitment. Even if you take things slow, there should generally be a mutual goal that this is working toward. If this goal is vague or undefined, youre playing the bench while she does what she wants.

 

I've been there before, man. Exactly where you are, and I dont like the sound of it.

[jdover52]

Personally, I would walk away from this and never look back. She slept with someone else 2 weeks after she 'wanted a break'. Dont make excuses for her, she knew what she was doing when she was drinking with this guy and having him stay at her place. What do you think she thought was going to happen when a guy she had been drinking with went back to her place? There aren't a lot of variables here...she knew full well she was going to sleep with him.

 

It took you blocking her for her to contact you and realize she misses you. Why do you think that is? I can tell you - she wants her security blanket back. Think about it, has she ever told you she wants to get back together? My guess it that shes only making vague references to the past relationship, and what she could have done differently. If she was serious about keeping things with you, she would have wanted to get back and make a committed effort. Until she does that, youre only getting lip service.

 

I also think she purposefully went out and had some fun with this guy, to prove that she is 'single' to herself, and YOU. Dont buy the alcohol/dont know what I was doing crap. That is just not true at all. Im a big boy, hooked up with my fair share of women, and have never gone back to a girls house or mine after a night out with the intention of anything but having sex.

 

Point is, she isnt really doing anything to make me feel like she's interested in making things right and forming a relationship with you. My feeling is that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. If you dont feel the same way, ask her about getting back together and see how much wishy washy garbage comes out. Dont confuse 'taking things slow' with not getting a commitment. Even if you take things slow, there should generally be a mutual goal that this is working toward. If this goal is vague or undefined, youre playing the bench while she does what she wants.

 

I've been there before, man. Exactly where you are, and I dont like the sound of it.

 

Thanks for the advice BCCA, I can definitely see where you are coming from. I agree that sleeping with someone else was completely intentional on her part and I've told her that (but at the same time, if I was in the situation, and if some girl came on to me this past month, I'm not sure I would've stopped her...). We were broken up so she was free to do what she wanted. And it's easy for me to use that justification to end things forever...

 

The thing that makes it hard for me is, part of me does believe that she is serious about getting back together. I don't think she broke up w/ me for someone else, but because our relationship had issues and she wasn't happy. She wrote me a really long email while I was overseas listing exactly what was wrong w/ our relationships from her point of view, and it was pretty truthful. We have seriously talked about how to fix our relationship, and it's not that part that I'm most worried about--I'm more scared that I will always hold a grudge against her for what she did.