zxrdreamer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I used to think i knew enough about love, not everything, but enough to feel as if i could recognize it if i saw it or felt it. Recently however, i've been wondering if i've ever felt like i truly knew anything about it. I've been married almost 18 months, been together for 4 years, and I wonder if i'm no longer in love with my wife. I've always thought it sounded ridiculous of me to question it, because it seemed like it was suppose to be the reason i got married in the first place. I know people get married for a lot of reason, sometime least of all for love, but in my case, that's all i ever wanted to get married for. And now when i find myself questioning it, it saddens me to the very core of what i thought i knew about love, lest of all what it means in a marriage. We've had our rocky moments throughout our relationship, points where we've almost broken up, even after we got married. One time in particular a few months ago, I seriously considered a divorce due to this unresolved issue that pops up time to time, that seemingly never quite goes away. But aside from the obvious rocky moments, i guess the thing that always helped me through was that i had a deep affection towards her, a deep affinity to see her happy. It is the companionship i feel, the love i believe she has for me that brings me joy. And yet, i feel passionless in this marriage at the same time. I feel like i yern for passion in the physical and emotional form, and yet i can't seem to find any, and i'm not sure why. Sex is mostly non existent for various reasons. She's told me she isn't particular needy for it, and while i assume it is pleasurable from a physical standpoint, it seems devoid of all emotion. Sex becomes just that, sex, not love. Its going to a point where, even when we do have sex, i feel like it just not as much fun as it used to be. It's harder for me to get turned on, and it becomes less enjoyable. I don't understand what i'm feeling. It's like we're the very best of friends, but we're not lovers. I guess i've always known it's been deteriorating like this for a while, even before we got married, but i seemed resigned to accept it because it doesn't feel changeable. We've done a small amount of counseling, something she made it clear she doesn't ever want to do again. I guess for her, there is a stigma about it. She is very prideful, and to her, that is weakness. I think she would be devastated at a divorce, a mark of failure. And so here I am, seemingly happy, mostly just content, secretly desperate to feel some passion, and along come a younger girl who in one weekend, turns my world upside down with a kiss. All the passion i feel like i've been missing, it is intoxicating. Beside the obvious reason that i'm married, she lives a world apart, so it could not be anything more than some simple moments. But in those small moments, i felt so filled and alive. It was something i had not felt in a long time. But now she is gone, with little chance of ever seeing her again. And i am left looking at my marriage, my wife. The person who i have made plans with for a future with, and i wonder what am i doing? Am i still in love? I feel like i don't know anymore. I feel like i don't know what it means.
imagine Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Welcome Z Yep, that kiss was serious. It stirred up feelings that are tangible. These are in PEA's which chemically induce euphoria. They will die in approx 6 months unless you are in an affair, in which case, longer. You and your W can get that feeling back. Read: Fall in Love, Stay in Love; The five languages of Love and Google marriage builders for their most excellent articles. Start research now. Both you and your W will benefit (Whether she reads or not -don't push her). Keep us posted.
taylor Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I used to think i knew enough about love, not everything, but enough to feel as if i could recognize it if i saw it or felt it. Recently however, i've been wondering if i've ever felt like i truly knew anything about it. I've been married almost 18 months, been together for 4 years, and I wonder if i'm no longer in love with my wife. I've always thought it sounded ridiculous of me to question it, because it seemed like it was suppose to be the reason i got married in the first place. I know people get married for a lot of reason, sometime least of all for love, but in my case, that's all i ever wanted to get married for. And now when i find myself questioning it, it saddens me to the very core of what i thought i knew about love, lest of all what it means in a marriage. The "love" between newlyweds is different than the "love" between a couple celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary. It "feels" different. But the decision "to love" the person you commit to is still the same. We've had our rocky moments throughout our relationship, points where we've almost broken up, even after we got married. One time in particular a few months ago, I seriously considered a divorce due to this unresolved issue that pops up time to time, that seemingly never quite goes away. But aside from the obvious rocky moments, i guess the thing that always helped me through was that i had a deep affection towards her, a deep affinity to see her happy. It is the companionship i feel, the love i believe she has for me that brings me joy. What is this issue that won't go away? You and your wife need to resolve it. It won't go away on its own. It will only drive a deeper wedge between you. yet, i feel passionless in this marriage at the same time. I feel like i yern for passion in the physical and emotional form, and yet i can't seem to find any, and i'm not sure why. Have you talked to your wife about this? Sex is mostly non existent for various reasons. She's told me she isn't particular needy for it, and while i assume it is pleasurable from a physical standpoint, it seems devoid of all emotion. Sex becomes just that, sex, not love. Its going to a point where, even when we do have sex, i feel like it just not as much fun as it used to be. It's harder for me to get turned on, and it becomes less enjoyable. What reasons? What is taking the fun out of it? Why can't you get turned on? I don't understand what i'm feeling. It's like we're the very best of friends, but we're not lovers. I guess i've always known it's been deteriorating like this for a while, even before we got married, but i seemed resigned to accept it because it doesn't feel changeable. We've done a small amount of counseling, something she made it clear she doesn't ever want to do again. I guess for her, there is a stigma about it. She is very prideful, and to her, that is weakness. I think she would be devastated at a divorce, a mark of failure. And so here I am, seemingly happy, mostly just content, secretly desperate to feel some passion, and along come a younger girl who in one weekend, turns my world upside down with a kiss. All the passion i feel like i've been missing, it is intoxicating. Beside the obvious reason that i'm married, she lives a world apart, so it could not be anything more than some simple moments. But in those small moments, i felt so filled and alive. It was something i had not felt in a long time. But now she is gone, with little chance of ever seeing her again. And i am left looking at my marriage, my wife. The person who i have made plans with for a future with, and i wonder what am i doing? Am i still in love? I feel like i don't know anymore. I feel like i don't know what it means. You have a need that is not being met in your marriage. A need for some passion and emotional excitement. It sounds like the newness of your relationship has worn off. You and your wife are in a rut. You really don't want this new girl. She stirred passion in you because she was "new." If you want to find passion, I guarantee you will find it in an affair because it is "new." But if you want to find passion with your wife, then the two of you need to MAKE PASSION come alive in your marriage. You need to stir passion in her and she needs to stir passion in you. Kind of like when you were first dating. What did you do to make your wife want/desire you? What did she do to make you want?desire her? You and your wife need to sit down ASAP and openly discuss your unmet needs. I will venture to guess she is feeling the same way. Relationships go stale over time and need to be freshened up a bit. Think of ways to change your routine, everyday lives. Change something about yourself. Have your wife change something about herself. Do some new things together. Turn off the TV, get off the couch, take your wife by the hand and go do something new, different and fun. You don't "find" passion. You "make" passion.
quankanne Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 and she needs to understand that as much as she dislikes the idea of marriage counseling, it's the very thing that is going to save your relationship so that you two have the tools you need to communicate properly. Otherwise, your need for an emotional bond is going to send your right into the arms of another woman.
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