3vex Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I'm at my wits end here. I've only been in six relationships in my whole life, but every single one was the same. I have a perpetual problem with the guys I erroneously choose to date in that I become a doormat for them and let them abuse me emotionally, and I must be a glutton for punishment because I just keep coming back for more, thus giving them the green light for more emotional abuse. The problem is that, irrespective of how hard I try, I just can't seem to assert myself. I don't want to admit that this could just be my nature and thus condemn myself to a life of doormattery, but after seeing numerous therapists, reading self empowerment books, attending self help groups, I still allow the guys that I date to call the shots, talk down to me and boss me about. Whatsmore, naturally these guys just use me for as long as they want and then dump me when they get bored of me. I am invariably the dumpee. One day a few weeks ago I was at home and whilst channel surfing landed on a daytime talk show, the subject of which was battered wives. Loathe as I am to admit it, when I looked at those poor souls I think I may have seen my own future. Those women were exactly like me; bullied into submission, scared to confront their husbands or so much as disagree with them, yet too terrified to leave. I just don't get it. I know that if you don't respect yourself no-one else will, and that I'm allowing myself to be a victim and I can see where it may very well lead me, but for the life of me I just cannot find the confidence or strength to assert myself in a relationship. I just stand there and let it happen, giving guys the impression that because I don't fight back I must deserve to be treated badly. Unless I manage to change, I think celibacy is going to be my only option for the rest of my life. I know nice guys do exist, but I've never managed to find one. If you managed to get through all that, can anyone offer me some advice? I asked this question elsewhere and got such charming, insightful responses as "shoot yourself and be done with it, LOL" and "quit being such a pussy"!! Hope people here will respond with more intelligence.
Walk Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I was a doormat myself up until a few years ago.. still am somewhat of one now, but definitely less so. Biggest thing: Confidence in yourself. Which is not something you can just snap your fingers and have. I gain a great deal of confidence by tackling things that are very difficult for me, and accomplishing them. For instance, I'm running a 5K race this weekend. I have physical issues which make it painful for me, but I've been training through the pain for the past 2 months. My only goal is to complete it before the 1.5 hour cut off time. hahah. I also completed my degree. I've always had issues with believing I'm even moderately intelligent, but I (amazingly) graduated with honors. Stuff like that... Stop worrying about finding a guy to hook up with. There are so many other things in life that really make life worth while. When you stop living for someone else, and start living for yourself, you'll start to take pride in who you are. Be selfish for a while and do the things you've dreamt of doing with your life. Whether thats something physical, or mental, but do something you've been scared to try. Your only goal is to complete it. You don't have to be the best at it, just accomplishing it is all that matters. Over coming the self-doubt, struggling through it even though your head is telling you you can't do it... when you complete it you'll look back on that and realize you've done something you didn't think you could do. And in the process gain some self confidence. The more times you do that, the more experiences you'll have under your belt to grasp onto during those times when your faced with tough situations, and the more confidence you'll have in yourself. That's what has helped me throughout my life. Everytime I'm faced with a situation where I don't feel good enough, or strong enough, or whatever, then I think about the times I did something I didn't think I could do but did. I'll clutch to those like a damn lighthouse beacon in a storm.. I toss out everything else, and I push my way to where ever I feel I need to be in order to make my life better.
Krajt Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I feel bad asserting myself in case I come across as controlling, selfish, alpha and any other negative. I'm a weak man and my girlfriend will dump faster than a condom is flushed down the toilet.
Author 3vex Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Walk, thankyou for the advice, it means a lot to me. I admire your spirit and perseverance in running that race in spite of your physical difficulties, and wish you luck. You seem to be living proof that a lot can be said for determination if you can muster it. Krajt, I came here asking for a sympathetic ear and constructive advice. No need to belittle me. I may take all manner of BS from the guys that I've dated but that doesn't give you or anyone the right to make fun of me.
Geishawhelk Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 3vex, read his post again. he's telling you how he is in a relationship, he's not belittling you. Men can 'suffer' from this kind of complex too, you see, it's not just us women. it might be rarer, but it happens. they call men like this 'henpecked' but I think this does them a great disservice. It takes courage to stand your gound, and say what you want. Now, lwt's just look at this little exchange here. What gave you the courage to say something like that to Krajt? I have to say again, you are totally unjustified, because he's trying to empathise with you from a man's POV.... he's in no way intending to insult you.... But where did you grab the courage and assertiveness to respond in that way? How come you can do it here, but not F2F with someone?
Author 3vex Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 GW, if I misunderstood Krajt then I apologise (honestly). The fact is it's very easy to misunderstand people over the internet. If he's truly going through similar problems then I can sympathise with him, and I hope that he like me will one day be able to overcome them. So Krajt I take back what I said, ok The reason I was able to speak to him like that is precisely because this is the internet. That's not to say that on the internet I overcompensate for what I can't do in real life.
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