Am I being unfair?

[Zapbasket]

My partner had a cracked tooth (molar) that got infected and after a weekend of excruciating pain, he finally got into the dentist today to have the tooth pulled. I feel really bad that he's been in so much pain and I think I've been sympathetic, but it's gone on for days and I'm finding myself growing a bit frustrated with him.

 

Last night, he got really upset that I wasn't going to bed at the same time as him. He has gotten upset in the past, and ends up staying up, waiting for me to go to bed. All lasts week I was staying up late to finish a freelance assignment. I found it a bit frustrating because if I'm up late at night I like to have the time to myself to think. Last night I was downstairs just trying to decompress; it was 2am and I was watching this great science program, and he came down and begged me to come to bed and he can't sleep without me there, etc. I felt frustrated because since moving here, I've hardly had any time to myself, and while I do love being with him most of the time he has a real negative, downer streak (he thinks the universe is out to get him and attributes everything unpleasant that happens to this "Fact") that sometimes can be very draining.

 

It's that streak that's making him come off to me like a whiny child regarding this tooth thing. Just now, I'm at the computer working on a freelance assignment in my office next to the bedroom, and I heard loud banging on the wall adjoining the rooms. (At first I thought it was the contractor downstairs who's renovating the kitchen.) Then I heard cries of, "Help, help" so I go into the bedroom and he's shivering and saying, "I don't know what's wrong; I can't stop shivering." I asked him if he took his antibiotic, he said yes, then he said he felt like he might throw up so I brought him a bowl and he cried, "I need a bigger bowl!!!" and I said, "The biggest bowl is the toilet bowl, why don't you come into the bathroom" and I tried to help him out of bed. He said, "Noooooo" and so I got him the biggest bowl from the kitchen I could find.

 

I don't know what's frustrating me so much, but the banging on the wall and calling "Help, help" kind-of has sent me over the edge where I'm feeling a bit irritated. And then feeling guilty for feeling irritated.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel a bit at the end of my patience rope with this happening on top of hearing how the world is out to get him every single day. And I'm feeling like I finally have a bit of a lull in my freelance schedule and have so many things I want to do, errands, meeting people (just moved here 2 months ago), etc. and apparently I have to stay home and play Nurse. The banging on the wall really, really irritated me. I'm feeling like an awful person.

 

Can anyone relate? Am I being unfair for feeling this way?

[quankanne]

nope, you're not being unfair ... he's being a big baby. Time to put your foot down and tell him that while you're perfectly happy to care for him, he doesn't need to be wasting your time calling for little things just because you're working from home. That he better be halfway dead or something the next time he cries out for you.

 

I know this sounds mean, but honest, you just have to put your foot down or he'll milk it for what it's worth. My husband also has a bad habit of waiting or putting off health care and then expects me to listen because he hurts. We've been through it enough times that I tell him that I don't want to hear it, esp. when I've already told him what was going to happen if he didn't take care of the problem right away.

 

maybe moving in without the benefit of separate rooms wasn't wise, because at least with your own room you could carve out some privacy. Because frankly, he's going to get clingy whenever he feels "pitiful" about something (*raises hand* I'm guilty of that)

[Geishawhelk]

He's 9 and a half.

 

I'm right. Some guys just are.

Mine is.

Only thing is - he admits it......

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for your reply, Quankanne. I'm thinking of putting my foot down if it happens again. The wall banging REALLY angered me! I'd NEVER do that unless I was really certain there was some kind of emergency. But what I think is bothering me most is how EVERYTHING that happens that's unfavorable he gets consumed with self-pity and says, "'They' are out to get me." It's like he revels in feeling sorry for himself, when meanwhile I know people who have truly had it much, much worse and they don't whine like he does. I've told him I don't like that he sees things that way, but I know my saying it bothers me isn't going to change it.

 

This tooth thing makes me terrified of what he'll be like if he really does have a medical difficulty. He's 18 years older me (turning 50 this year!) so it really is a concern. I can't stand it when grown people use ailments as excuses to act like big babies.

 

And last night, when I reluctantly got into bed after his pleas, he smooshed himself up against me and I was sooooo cross. NOrmally I love to cuddle, but I felt like I just wanted a long vacation from him.

 

If he bangs on the wall ever again I'm going to tell him I am sorry he had to h ave his tooth pulled and sorry it hurts, but I think he's being a baby and I'm not going to be his 24-hour nurse.

[Zapbasket]

He's 9 and a half.

 

I'm right. Some guys just are.

Mine is.

Only thing is - he admits it......

 

 

You mean, he's acting like he's 9 and a half?

[carhill]

If you feel unappreciated and taken advantage of, tell him that. Ask him to contemplate banging on the walls with no one there to hear him. Reality check

 

My wife pulls this cr@p sometimes and I just reach for the phone and ask her if she wants me to call 911. No, I didn't think so Then I offer to call her mother (who's 80)

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, that's what I mean.

my partner does it, and we've turned it into a joke, because otherwise I was going to end up killing him....!

 

I don't know how successful that would be with him, but I actually think it's time you read him the riot act. Tell him you're not his mother, he's a grown man, the universe is not out to get him any more than it's out to get anyone else, so he can cut that moaning out too, because it's not doing anything to endear you to him, it's just driving you mad, because it's constant, relentless self-pitying rubbish.

 

Just as a suggestion.....

[Zapbasket]

Haha Carhill--I"ll try the 911 scheme!

 

It's not that I feel unappreciated and taken advantage of, it's more that his behavior around this relatively minor ailment in the context of his ongoing "They are out to get me" outlook is making me pull back: I question whether I can or want to put up with this long-term. How can a person who acts like such a baby and sincerely believes the universe is out to spoil his life be, say, an effective, reliable parent?

[Geishawhelk]

Good one carhill! See? It's not just guys who are 9 and a half! Some women pull infancy off really well too!!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can tell you that there isn't a pain worse in this world than an infected tooth! I know that this goes deeper than this one instance though. Is he on any pain meds?

[quankanne]

if he WERE on decent pain meds, he'd be like a boneless chicken, not banging on walls or wailing! :laugh:

 

My wife pulls this cr@p sometimes and I just reach for the phone and ask her if she wants me to call 911.

 

*cringes* whenever I get in my whiny modes because I dont' feel good, DH tells me to go find "sympathy" in the dictionary. You know, located somewhere between "shxt" and "syphillus" ... and then I know I've officially become a pain in the butt and need to stop the whining bit.

[Zapbasket]

Yes, that's what I mean.

my partner does it, and we've turned it into a joke, because otherwise I was going to end up killing him....!

 

I don't know how successful that would be with him, but I actually think it's time you read him the riot act. Tell him you're not his mother, he's a grown man, the universe is not out to get him any more than it's out to get anyone else, so he can cut that moaning out too, because it's not doing anything to endear you to him, it's just driving you mad, because it's constant, relentless self-pitying rubbish.

 

Just as a suggestion.....

 

lol... I have said that, not quite as harshly, but I have said that it really concerns me that he's so committed to that worldview and that it's a worldview I don't agree with AT ALL.

 

Maybe it's time, once his wooziness from the pain meds has worn off in a couple of days, to tell him that this worldview of his and how he acts when he's sick makes me question our compatibility for a long-term relationship. As further clarification I'll say that I think his "they are out to get me" crud is nothing more than narcissistic self-pitying garbage and that regardless of the fact that he had a bad mother (she was pretty crazy), at age 49 there is simply no excuse to indulge in such self-pitying behavior. And I'll say that I feel wary that someone who spends so much time feeling sorry for himself could be an effective parent.

 

Because it's true: this is NOT endearing me to him. Already I'm fantasizing about getting a plane ticket to go visit my friends back in NYC. And whereas usually I look forward to cuddling in bed with him, tonight I'm seriously considering sleeping in another room.

[Zapbasket]

*cringes* whenever I get in my whiny modes because I dont' feel good, DH tells me to go find "sympathy" in the dictionary. You know, located somewhere between "shxt" and "syphillus" ... and then I know I've officially become a pain in the butt and need to stop the whining bit.

 

Hilarious! Does the hard line get you to quit whining (like, if I told my partner I think he's being a big baby and it's not endearing me to him one bit) make you snap out of it, or does it ever make you feel even MORE sorry for yourself because on top of everything you have a "bad," "unfeeling" partner?

[Zapbasket]

I can tell you that there isn't a pain worse in this world than an infected tooth! I know that this goes deeper than this one instance though. Is he on any pain meds?

 

 

I'm glad you said that; I know he's not exaggerating that it really hurts. It's just that on top of it there's the "they're out to get me" thing and the fact that he CRIED when the dentist told him he was going to have to have the tooth pulled. I mean, really--it's a molar, way, way back in the back of his mouth. He still has beautiful white teeth and even smiling as big as he possibly can no one will ever know the tooth is missing.

 

He's on Percoset (sp? It's pronounced Perkosett) and is taking penicillin for the infection.

[carhill]

Percocet.... great stuff....imagine an opioid with Tylenol

 

The real problem is him not taking responsibility and letting that tooth get that far gone. They don't make a pill for that

 

As I often say, and not without an icy stare in return, "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part".... I tried the "I feel like I'm responsible for everything" tactic but that wasn't sufficiently nuclear for dear old thick-skinned wife

[LakesideDream]

Put on the brakes everyone. First thing, get him to the doctor, dentist, or ugent care... right now today. You need to be absolutely positive that there is not a medical reason for his behavior.

 

Alarm bells went off in my head when I read GC's description of the bathroom incident.

 

I contracted an extremely serious, life threatening Hospital Staff infection during a surgery in the late 1990's. There was no indications that I had the infection until I had a wisdom tooth removed that was bearing on my sinus some 7 years later. I had much the same symptoms you have attributed to him GC. Shaking, tremors, fever, need to vomit, and delerium. I was alone when this happened. I stayed home and tried to fight it on my own. When I finally went to the E.R. after a couple of weeks later I was nearly dead, actually was misdiagnosed with stage 5 terminal cancer from all the cysts inside my body. I took six weeks and two in hospital heart attacks to be correctly diagnosed, and released to two more months of out patient treatment. I was a hour away from death every day for a month.

 

I was 53 years old at the time. Subsequently I have had two doctors tell me that the bacteria in sick teeth is the most powerful produced by the human body. I am VERY careful now when having any dental work performed.

 

Mind you, my mind was profoundly affected by the Hospital Staff infection. I wasn't capable of thinking straight. This might be the case in your BF's situation.

 

Please be safe. There is a possibility that there is something here that does not meet the eye, at least at first glance.

[soserious1]

Tell him what my husband told me once

 

"nobody wants to hear you snivel about mouth problems that wouldn't be happening if you took care of these situations immediately instead of waiting till you're in agony now take 800 mg of Motrin, along with a big heaping helping of shut the fsck up,get dressed and get your ass to work"

[LakesideDream]

Tell him what my husband told me once

 

"nobody wants to hear you snivel about mouth problems that wouldn't be happening if you took care of these situations immediately instead of waiting till you're in agony now take 800 mg of Motrin, along with a big heaping helping of shut the fsck up,get dressed and get your ass to work"

 

 

Your husbands advice was ignorant. He sounds like an ass.

 

Is repeating his drivel the best you can do? If you have experianced similar problems you should be able to empathise. If not, why pass along such ridictulous ideas?

[whichwayisup]

most of the time he has a real negative, downer streak (he thinks the universe is out to get him and attributes everything unpleasant that happens to this "Fact") that sometimes can be very draining.

 

And now he's not well, in pain and is scared. Classic anxiety too - He probably suffers from mild depression since he is negative alot of the time.

 

Many men don't handle illness well, let alone pain. Some want to be left alone, and some want to be babied.

 

I can sympathize with him because I AM a huge baby when it comes to certain aches and pains, illnesses...Though I wouldn't bang on the wall, unless it was as a last resort to call out. Maybe that's what happened to him?

 

I had a 3 hour dental session last summer, was knocked out for it, but for days after I was in pain and had weird reactions to the anthestic, it took longer to get out of my system..Between feeling anxious and also reacting badly to the tylenol 3's, I was scared.

 

How is he when he gets sick with a cold/flu/fever? The throw up thing too..

 

Try to be patient, as much as it bugs you, its' what he needs..

[LakesideDream]

And now he's not well, in pain and is scared. Classic anxiety too - He probably suffers from mild depression since he is negative alot of the time.

 

Many men don't handle illness well, let alone pain. Some want to be left alone, and some want to be babied.

 

I can sympathize with him because I AM a huge baby when it comes to certain aches and pains, illnesses...Though I wouldn't bang on the wall, unless it was as a last resort to call out. Maybe that's what happened to him?

 

I had a 3 hour dental session last summer, was knocked out for it, but for days after I was in pain and had weird reactions to the anthestic, it took longer to get out of my system..Between feeling anxious and also reacting badly to the tylenol 3's, I was scared.

 

How is he when he gets sick with a cold/flu/fever? The throw up thing too..

 

Try to be patient, as much as it bugs you, its' what he needs..

 

 

And some men deal with pain very well. I am one of those me. I have continued to work, think and lead after having bones broken, and bullets slammed into me. So what?

 

My ability to compartmentalize pain and work around it made the situation worse! I mistakenly believed I could "tough it out" until I began to recover. This almost ended my life.

 

Again I will say the bacteria produced by sick teeth is among the most powerful, anti-biotic resistant, and dangerous we face. If you combine those bacteria with any other weakness you may have, trouble may be to much for you to deal with without medical help.

 

Go google "hospital staff infection" and "dental infections" you will be scared poop-less. I lived through it, just barely. This guy needs to be checked out GreenCove, if there is no underlying problem then berate and humiliate him. All you have to lose is a life.

[quankanne]

Does the hard line get you to quit whining make you snap out of it, or does it ever make you feel even MORE sorry for yourself because on top of everything you have a "bad," "unfeeling" partner? About 95 percent of the time, it DOES make me realize I'm being a whiny kid ... the other five percent, HE'S being a meanie :laugh: (this is when I'm feeling really, really bad and want TLC and he just doesn't get it)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Again I will say the bacteria produced by sick teeth is among the most powerful, anti-biotic resistant, and dangerous we face. If you combine those bacteria with any other weakness you may have, trouble may be to much for you to deal with without medical help.

 

It took my mother and best friend at the age of 56. I was talk and laughing with her by cell phone 15 minutes before I walked in her front door with my kids and found her dead, sitting upright and still warm. Dinner on the stove and the table set.

 

Massive heart attack, caused by a tooth infection that had been long since cleared up.

[Zapbasket]

LakesideDream and IfWishesWereHorses, thank you for a very different perspective on this.

 

I was indeed NOT aware that tooth bacteria could be so dangerous. IWWH, do you really think the tooth infection caused your friend's death? Or did she have a heart problem to begin with?

 

I talked with him last night and indeed he was very hurt that I wasn't ministering to him more. I said I was sorry and admitted that for reasons perhaps stemming from issues of my own, indeed I found it hard to be as sympathetic as I'd generally be, when every day he laments that "They are out to get me."

 

Still, especially now that I understand that this tooth thing is more serious than i'd thought, I'm going to make more effort to be sympathetic.

 

Lakeside and IWWH, given your experience with tooth infections, are there any other medications/etc. he should be taking besides penicillin and prescription pain killers?

[Zapbasket]

Does the hard line get you to quit whining make you snap out of it, or does it ever make you feel even MORE sorry for yourself because on top of everything you have a "bad," "unfeeling" partner? About 95 percent of the time, it DOES make me realize I'm being a whiny kid ... the other five percent, HE'S being a meanie :laugh: (this is when I'm feeling really, really bad and want TLC and he just doesn't get it)

 

I guess it's a very fine line, huh? Some people, when they get sick, think it's an excuse to dispense with all courtesy, and they'll push that envelope as far as they think they can take it. Just last night, I tucked my partner in, brought him some water and apple juice and his medicine, read to him, bent down to kiss him good night, and he said, "Is there an ice pack?"

 

And again, I felt annoyed. Why not ask, "Could you please make me an ice pack?" That's how he'd talk when he's being an adult. And then, in the middle of the night, I brought him a fresh ice pack, and he promptly let it drop to the floor saying, "I don't want it." And silently I was like, "Um, couldn you maybe just say thank you?"

 

I mean, I'd say thanks if someone brought me an ice pack. I guess I'm just an easier patient

[Zapbasket]

And now he's not well, in pain and is scared. Classic anxiety too - He probably suffers from mild depression since he is negative alot of the time.

 

Many men don't handle illness well, let alone pain. Some want to be left alone, and some want to be babied.

 

I can sympathize with him because I AM a huge baby when it comes to certain aches and pains, illnesses...Though I wouldn't bang on the wall, unless it was as a last resort to call out. Maybe that's what happened to him?

 

I had a 3 hour dental session last summer, was knocked out for it, but for days after I was in pain and had weird reactions to the anthestic, it took longer to get out of my system..Between feeling anxious and also reacting badly to the tylenol 3's, I was scared.

 

How is he when he gets sick with a cold/flu/fever? The throw up thing too..

 

Try to be patient, as much as it bugs you, its' what he needs..

 

Okay, point taken; I'll try to be more patient. But there *is* a fine line between being a "baby" in the sense that you get scared when you're not well, and feel vulnerable and alone and thus in need of more TLC than usual...and being a "baby" in the sense that you allow yourself to dispense with please and thank you, you become demanding and unreasonable, etc. The former is perfectly understandable and I'd not have a problem with that.

 

Here's another example of what annoys me with my partner. On my home yesterday evening from some errands, I called him to ask if he'd like me to pick up some soup we like from a nearby Thai place on the way home. He didn't pick up so I left a message and said I'd walk very slowly and keep my phone in hand to give him a chance to call back. He didn't call, I came home, he was on the couch with the phone right there in front of him. I said, "Did you get my message?" He said yes. I said, "Why didn't you call back?" He looked up at me with baleful eyes and shrugged. I said, "Did you not want soup?" He said, "I wanted soup." And though I stayed calm on the outside, on the inside I was like, AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

 

that's the kind of thing I mean when I say "being a baby." WWIU, it sounds like you, on the other hand, are simply anxious and scared about your condition.

 

But in any case, I shall endeavor to be a little softer. I just have trouble relating to "babies" because I'm more one to tough it out; it's hard for me to ask for help. Not that that's a good thing, either, I know.