What do I do?

[BleuStar]

I broke up with my ex almost a month ago. I didn't want to do it, but I had to or else I would have gone crazy. He was very emotionally abusive and I had to get out of it.

 

Well, for 3 weeks I heard nothing and was getting very depressed because I felt like I had been nothing to him. (We only had a 4 month relationship, but were friends for a few years).

 

Well, I went to my counselor Saturday night and was feeling good at work the next day on Sunday. I was standing at my register reading a book (Sundays are slow) and I hear a loud car, look up, and he's pulling into the parking lot.

 

I freaked out cause I was by myself, ended up ringing him up for his purchase, made small talk a little and that was it. I could tell he wanted to linger around, but I didn't make much conversation so he left.

 

After he left, I felt 100% better! I felt like by him making contact with me, I meant something and I could then move on. I didn't get sad, and actually had a great day for the rest of the day. All because after 3 weeks he came in and I felt like he wanted to talk to me. A little too late for that, I might add.

 

Anyways, I didn't work yesterday but today I went in. Wasn't expecting it, but he came in again. This time I wasn't by myself, I had my co-worker there, so I ran in the back room because I didn't want to deal with him. I'm sure I looked like a total wuss for doing it, but I don't care.

 

Part of me is angry that he's coming in, and part of me feels bad for him, and another part is scared that he might not leave me alone.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm afraid to tell him not to come in anymore, but I don't want anyone else to do it because he'll get angry and retaliate, because that's what he does.

 

I just want him to go away. One of my friends suggested that maybe he thinks enough time has passed where I might be over him. But I don't think that's it. I think he wants me to see him so that I'll miss him and come back to him. So he can have control over me again.

 

I'm afraid that if he keeps coming in I'll be weak and go back with him, and that's not something I want to do.

 

Any ideas on how to get through this? I can't keep running into the back room every time he comes in, and what happens on the days I'm by myself? He knows my schedule.

[confused999]

Part of me is angry that he's coming in, and part of me feels bad for him, and another part is scared that he might not leave me alone.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm afraid to tell him not to come in anymore, but I don't want anyone else to do it because he'll get angry and retaliate, because that's what he does.

 

I just want him to go away. One of my friends suggested that maybe he thinks enough time has passed where I might be over him. But I don't think that's it. I think he wants me to see him so that I'll miss him and come back to him. So he can have control over me again.

 

I know all about this bleustar, unfortunately!

 

My ex was also emotionally abusive, and the words "control" and "retaliation" remind me of him. If your gut is telling you that it's about control for him, it probably is. What a strong person you are to get away from him as quickly as you have. I realize how difficult and confusing it can be, even if you only dated for 4 months. You knew him for much longer, and he was a totally different person for all that time -- he tricked you, and showed his true colors once he felt he "had" you.

 

You didn't look like a wuss for going into the backroom when he stopped by, you looked like you didn't want to see him, because that's how you feel.

 

What kind of retaliation are you refering to? What has he said about past relationships?

[BleuStar]

Well, he told me about one of his past girlfriends...they had broken up, so he went to her father for advice on how to get her back and her father basically said 'You guys are broken up, get over it'.

 

So apparently they had taken some naked pictures together over the course of their relationship, so he told me that he'd show her father he was over it, and mailed the pictures to her house (with him markered out of course) and her mom opened the package and saw that.

 

Now, in my case it's different, because he doesn't have any naked pictures of me. No pictures at all, in fact, unless he was secretly videotaping me in the bathroom or something (which i wouldn't put it past him). I'm more worried about him talking to friends of mine, or my family (I shared a lot of personal things about myself to him), or people at work, etc.

[Geishawhelk]

It doesn't matter. Let him talk. If he wants to be the blabbermouth, keep your wits and dignity about you. Never lie to try to cover up. Explain that -

- You told him that in confidence, and because it's what people in love do, they confide in one another. If he's betrayed your trust, then you were right to leave him. You're sorry they had to find that out, because it's personal, but it says more about him than it does about you......

Things like this will backfire on him, if you don't take the bait.....

[confused999]

Well, when he becomes frustrated that you won't talk to him he just might say something to your family or friends, that's exactly what my ex did, under the guise of "being concerned" about me -- he sprinkled in many lies making himself look good and making me look crazy. So make it easier on yourself by telling your friends and family your situation and your concerns regarding retaliation.

 

Is it possible to change your work schedule, or at least always work with someone else (for a while anyway)?

[confused999]

Geishawhelk is correct... if he does anything like that, it will backfire on him. My ex's "concerns" and lies didn't make much sense when those that cared about me thought about it, so he ended up looking foolish anyway.

[BleuStar]

Yeah, there's nothing he really 'has' on me that he could tell anyone I guess....I don't know, it's hard to remember.

 

And no, not possible to change my work schedule for awhile...I'm barely there as it is, just 4 days a week for 4-6 hrs a day. But my sister is going to come in early on the days I am alone (it's a family business).

 

But that doesn't stop the way I felt today when he came in. I had people there so I Could run into the backroom, but I still have all these emotions I'm trying to work through and him coming in doesn't help me at all. It makes it worse.

[Geishawhelk]

say to yourself:

 

"He is not the boss of me. He is not always right, and I control me, he doesn't. he may want to, he may think he does, but he's wrong. he has no power over me, because I refuse to let him have any."

 

Say this to yourself several times a day. Copy it out. Write it down. Stick it up everywhere in your home: on mirrors, as bookmarks, on doors, in the fridge.... anywhere you can. Recite it as your daily Mantra over and over again until you - and your brain - get it. Because it's true.

[BleuStar]

Thanks for your responses....I was actually watching outside for him today to make sure he just drove by my work and didn't come in. I didn't want to be caught off guard again.

 

Ever since yesterday I've felt anxious and my heart has beating harder than normal. I've tried breathing exercises and it doesn't seem to help, not sure how to get past that.

 

His plan of coming into my work worked, now I'm thinking about him constantly again. This sucks because I was doing so good. And I'm not even sure what my feelings are when I think about him. Still a cross between anger, fear and sorrow.

 

Thanks for your help. Let's hope he doesn't bother me anymore.

[confused999]

Continue being strong, you've already proven that you are.