I'm a married woman

[soulconfessions]

Well you said that the thought of divorce scares you....so what is it about divorce that scares you if you aren't scared of uprooting your children's lives?

 

You said there is more to your story. Lemme guess....its all his fault...his is a neglectful bastard right?

 

Nope and I am done responding to you.. You are to consumed in this strangers life. just as I am in my lovers.. hmmmm is that your weakness?

[imagine]

 

Now to answer your question yes i do some day divorce my husband, i've even sat down and talked to him about how unhappy i am. I know now from our talks that a divorce would hurt him more than my affair so I put his happiness before mine.

 

So does he know of your affair?

[soulconfessions]

Hello,

 

I have just a few comments:

First, how would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's what you have been doing to him?

 

Second, what do you thing the reaction of your husband will be if and when he finds out about your sexual affairs for the past at least three years?

 

I know there is more to the story of your relationship with your husband. I am just curious as to how you have been able to have these intense sexual relationships without your husband having a clue. Is he just clueless or is it down deep he just does not care what you do so he no longer pays attention to you and your activities?

 

Why do people assume that I'm not using protection. There is a thread some where in this board asking if anyone has ever gotten pregnant by the other man and I didn't see one reply directed to that person about STD's when she has obviously chosen not to use a condom.. Anyway that comment/question wasn't directed to only to you. To answer your question i have was hurt in the past when evidence came up that hubby might be cheating..

[45Reverse]

Now to answer your question yes i do some day divorce my husband, i've even sat down and talked to him about how unhappy i am. I know now from our talks that a divorce would hurt him more than my affair so I put his happiness before mine.

 

If you have kids together you owe it to your husband to share custody of them.

 

You've had your fun at his expense. Sticking him with 2 weekends a month as is typical with women who cheat would only be adding insult to injury.

 

Be an adult. Ask your H for a divorce and agree up front to share custody...Insisting on anything less for him will make you roughly equivilent to trailer trash.

[bish]

As a human being you can never say what you will never do anyway I was like you once I got lost..

 

I can say exactly that I will never cheat. Aint gonna happen. Even with the neglect of my xW, I wouldn't have stooped to such a level.

 

 

Angry and judgmental of men and women who cheated on their spouse or loved one and then I realized I was human and as a human being we all make mistakes which i have made plenty. The question is am I ready to handle my mistakes?

 

What you are doing isn't a mistake. You sought out sex. You are doing this because you want to do it. What you are doing isn't a mistake.

 

Call it a lousy choice, but it is in no way a mistake.

 

 

The first step I made was a wonderful step and that was admiting to it by airing my dirty laundry on a message board of judgmental stranger with no skeletons in their closets..

 

no, thats not what you were doing. You weren't admitting to an affair in hopes of looking for advice on how to do the right thing.

 

You want us to hold your hand and help you with your feelings for the other man.

 

 

Now to answer your question yes i do some day divorce my husband

 

some day? so you are going to play him for a fool and waste more years of his life until it is convenient for you? How despicable???

 

 

I've even sat down and talked to him about how unhappy i am. I know now from our talks that a divorce would hurt him more than my affair so I put his happiness before mine.

 

Oh please. as a former BS, i have to say....well......BS.

 

When someone is betrayed, they are in shock and haven't the first clue as to what is best for them. You aren't putting his happiness before yours, what a crock.

 

I tell you what...if you believe what you just said, then tell him you are having an affair, but don't want to divorce.....but wait, you said you want to divorce someday....:confused:

 

go on, tell him. You have the guts to cheat, have the guts to fess up so you may possibly get your divorce sooner rather than later and so he can stop wasting his life on you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let me give you a little background of myself and my situation. I'm basically an at home mom in my late 30's, I've been married for 19 years. Hubby was my very first boyfriend and the man I gave my virginity to the first night we met. Due to the fact that I was verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abused by my sibling, I delveloped and carried a lot of insecurities into my adulthood. I also had an over protective dad who sheltered me from real lifes experiences, therefore I was gaulable to the first young man who showed interest in me and that man was my husband.. Anyway after losing my verginity, hubby and I dated briefly and then married. After marriage i never persued a career or continued my education. My life was dedicated to being a good mom to my kids and the perfect wife to my husband. I knew nothing else outside of that box. I didn't have many girlfriends, I never socialized in clubs or at parties. i never had the time or space to find to myself or to experience life as a single independant woman. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and I still do love my husband but if I knew then what I know now i would have done thing a lot different. Be it as is may..

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

Your feelings about your life are not unusual, many people have the same "what if" issues with the choices they've made. The only difference is that most of them don't sell out those that love and depend on them - your husband and children - while they chase those ghosts. You want more sexual variety? Be adventurous with your husband. You want a higher education? Go back to school part-time at night or weekends.

 

You give no sign that you've looked within your own marriage for the answers to your concerns. What you're doing is beyond self-centered, it's self-destructive - but I guess the harm that would befall those around you is worth it to you. Do you really think, given the road you're on, that happiness, satisfaction and personal growth lie ahead of you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[imagine]

When someone is betrayed, they are in shock and haven't the first clue as to what is best for them. You aren't putting his happiness before yours, what a crock.

 

I tell you what...if you believe what you just said, then tell him you are having an affair, but don't want to divorce.....but wait, you said you want to divorce someday....:confused:

 

go on, tell him. You have the guts to cheat, have the guts to fess up so you may possibly get your divorce sooner rather than later and so he can stop wasting his life on you.

 

I think Bish makes a lot of sense here.

Comment?

[soulconfessions]

If you have kids together you owe it to your husband to share custody of them.

 

You've had your fun at his expense. Sticking him with 2 weekends a month as is typical with women who cheat would only be adding insult to injury.

 

Be an adult. Ask your H for a divorce and agree up front to share custody...Insisting on anything less for him will make you roughly equivilent to trailer trash.

 

 

I have asked for a divorce, i'e even asked him to leave me.. and i'm sorry i'm not familar with trialer trash. thanks for the insult tho..

[soulconfessions]

Your feelings about your life are not unusual, many people have the same "what if" issues with the choices they've made. The only difference is that most of them don't sell out those that love and depend on them - your husband and children - while they chase those ghosts. You want more sexual variety? Be adventurous with your husband. You want a higher education? Go back to school part-time at night or weekends.

 

You give no sign that you've looked within your own marriage for the answers to your concerns. What you're doing is beyond self-centered, it's self-destructive - but I guess the harm that would befall those around you is worth it to you. Do you really think, given the road you're on, that happiness, satisfaction and personal growth lie ahead of you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

no i do not think happiness, satisfaction and personal growth lie ahead of me. that's why i am here to seek advice and guidence. thank you for the insults.

[lkjh]

Go back and read your post and then maybe you will realize people aren't insulting you, they are being harsh and it is well deserved.

[soulconfessions]

I think Bish makes a lot of sense here.

Comment?

 

yeah she probably does make a lot of sense but ranting and raving won't make me listen. maybe if she stopped ranting and raving and acting all consumed in my story then maybe i'll talk to her as an adult. as for now i'm done reading bish's post so you have a wack at what ever question she asked.

 

and to answer your previous questions.. i think you already know the answer to them.

[whichwayisup]

Yes there's a big different between bashing and giving harsh-reality biting advice.

 

Maybe right now you're not really ready to sit and take in what most are trying to say to you, and that's OK, but do come back later, or tomorrow, even the next day and re-read the responses. Forget the fact that some may put stuff abit rudely, bottomline is, those who have replied ARE giving you advice! Even bish! Instead of focussing on feeling insulting, or judged, take a giant step backwards and think..Read and think. Don't react, just take it in. Hopefully you'll see things in a new light and understand what is being said on your thread.

 

You did say one thing - Counselling. Seriously look into it, sort yourself out. You have issues from your past which are haunting you now, and is affecting your thinking/decision process.It IS ruining your life, your marriage, your kids lives..

 

Call tomorrow, book an appointment. BUT, make sure the person you talk to also does marriage counselling too.

 

I know now from our talks that a divorce would hurt him more than my affair so I put his happiness before mine.

 

This is how we know you definately need help. This is not an insult, so please don't take it this way - If you stay married to him, you'll be hurting him more. If you stay married to him and continue to cheat, do what you want, you'll be holding HIM back from healing and finding a woman who can love only him. HE has every right to make a choice to stay or go. Right now he hasn't a clue of what is really going on. All he thinks is you're unhappy. If he knew you were giving "his" money to your OM, he WOULD crap a golden brick, rightfully so!

 

If you truly put his happiness before your own, you wouldn't be cheatin on him PERIOD. Sadly for you, you're in an affairfog and just can't see what we all see.

 

PS bish is a man. His wife cheated on him. If you can look past some of his harshness, the advice is there..

[SoulStorm]

bish is a he..lol. That's a picture od Obama in drag. Why? I don't know

[whichwayisup]

I have asked for a divorce, i'e even asked him to leave me..

 

Why not tell him you want a divorce and you leave him? Why should he leave?

 

Again, get to therapy and sort yourself out. Your kids NEED a healthy mom in their life.

[SoulStorm]

To answer your question i have was hurt in the past when evidence came up that hubby might be cheating..

 

Was your husband proven to be cheating?

[45Reverse]

I have asked for a divorce, i'e even asked him to leave me.. and i'm sorry i'm not familar with trialer trash. thanks for the insult tho..

 

Well, how bold of you. You've asked for the D but are you adult enough...do you have integrity enough...to insist that the two of you share custody of the kid(s) equally???

 

That's the REAL test. Sure, you can ask for the D...But will you use the kids as a meal ticket and club to beat your STBX with, or will you do the right thing and just go your seperate ways while letting the kids stay fully involved in their father's life???

 

Trailer Trash- look it up. It's not that unusual of a term.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Soulconfessions:

 

Don't listen to most of the bull**** these people are thrusting upon you. The fact is only morons are telling you to go to your husband and confess everything.

 

The truth remains that you can always tell him, but you can never un-tell him.

 

And the ONLY reason you would ever tell your husband of your infidelities is in order to sabotage your marriage. Truthfully nothing you have shared so far assures that you are ready or wanting to do that.

 

Now it may be true that your husband is a weak individual who is being walked all over and taken advantage of, unbeknownst to him, but that is HIS PROBLEM. Until he can deal with that independently, how do these people think he is big enough to deal with your pointless confessions to come?

 

Between the lines, in your story, is a marriage which suffered communication breakdown years ago... long before the internet guy, and long before the current affair guy.

 

So rather than your husband offer the time, affection, and ATTENTION that any stay-at-home mom would need, he just did nothing and effectively set his own trap. (he simply doesn't know he's trapped yet)

 

Now you are certainly far from blameless in all of this... but I can truly understand how much easier it is to express yourself anonymously on the internet, at first, than it is to boldy reverse years of non-communication with honest admissions of needing/wanting more attention from your spouse.

 

I suggest that it was the effect of your being able to SPEAK FROM YOUR SOUL with that first online guy... that made him seeeeeeeeeeeem to be such a great person. Much of what he appeared to be in your mind, resulted from what your mind felt free to say and confess. As any decent male would be, he was very willing to LISTEN to you, and to acknowledge your feelings at the time. As for now, you probably don't yet understand how much of that resulted from your own daring to just BE yourself.

 

So anyway... as for solutions or the nearest thing in the present that could at least be a positive step toward solving your present struggles:

 

You should probably be more bold in making your feelings and needs more clear to your husband. This has NOTHING to do with confessing about the affairs. But, and as others have said, perhaps a path toward marriage counseling would be very helpful.

 

In short, you need to risk more in putting your feelings and hurts on the line in front of your husband, instead of taking the idiotic advice of others that would have you HURT HIM for no immediate good to anyone.

 

Yes, in the distant future, sure it could be said that your husband would "probably" be happier and more content with someone else... AND that you would "probably" be happier and more content with a different husband.

 

BUT... you are already deeply invested in this one marriage, and you should probably stick your deep, personal FEELINGS out there even if it means RISKING your husband walking all over them... just so you can learn whether or not the marriage can be salvaged.

 

And in practical terms, why in the hell would anyone admit to affairs that the spouse didn't previously know about... IF indeed the path is heading toward eventual divorce and custody battles and the like???

 

How stupid can that other advice be???

 

Too many here are mad and fuming about their own lives and mistakes and they simply refuse to apply logic to your honest confidences...

[soulconfessions]

Yes there's a big different between bashing and giving harsh-reality biting advice.

 

Maybe right now you're not really ready to sit and take in what most are trying to say to you, and that's OK, but do come back later, or tomorrow, even the next day and re-read the responses. Forget the fact that some may put stuff abit rudely, bottomline is, those who have replied ARE giving you advice! Even bish! Instead of focussing on feeling insulting, or judged, take a giant step backwards and think..Read and think. Don't react, just take it in. Hopefully you'll see things in a new light and understand what is being said on your thread.

 

You did say one thing - Counselling. Seriously look into it, sort yourself out. You have issues from your past which are haunting you now, and is affecting your thinking/decision process.It IS ruining your life, your marriage, your kids lives..

 

Call tomorrow, book an appointment. BUT, make sure the person you talk to also does marriage counselling too.

 

 

 

This is how we know you definately need help. This is not an insult, so please don't take it this way - If you stay married to him, you'll be hurting him more. If you stay married to him and continue to cheat, do what you want, you'll be holding HIM back from healing and finding a woman who can love only him. HE has every right to make a choice to stay or go. Right now he hasn't a clue of what is really going on. All he thinks is you're unhappy. If he knew you were giving "his" money to your OM, he WOULD crap a golden brick, rightfully so!

 

If you truly put his happiness before your own, you wouldn't be cheatin on him PERIOD. Sadly for you, you're in an affairfog and just can't see what we all see.

 

PS bish is a man. His wife cheated on him. If you can look past some of his harshness, the advice is there..

 

I understand what you are saying but whether people agree or disagree with someones lifestyle or decissions, there is still a way of speaking to people without name calling.

 

And I will be the first to agree with you that i do need help for my past and present. Right now i live for my kids and right now faking happiness is no longer cutting the cake. i know if I don't seek help soon i will fall into a deeper depression. Maybe I'm not ready for this.

[soulconfessions]

Soulconfessions:

 

Don't listen to most of the bull**** these people are thrusting upon you. The fact is only morons are telling you to go to your husband and confess everything.

 

The truth remains that you can always tell him, but you can never un-tell him.

 

And the ONLY reason you would ever tell your husband of your infidelities is in order to sabotage your marriage. Truthfully nothing you have shared so far assures that you are ready or wanting to do that.

 

Now it may be true that your husband is a weak individual who is being walked all over and taken advantage of, unbeknownst to him, but that is HIS PROBLEM. Until he can deal with that independently, how do these people think he is big enough to deal with your pointless confessions to come?

 

Between the lines, in your story, is a marriage which suffered communication breakdown years ago... long before the internet guy, and long before the current affair guy.

 

So rather than your husband offer the time, affection, and ATTENTION that any stay-at-home mom would need, he just did nothing and effectively set his own trap. (he simply doesn't know he's trapped yet)

 

Now you are certainly far from blameless in all of this... but I can truly understand how much easier it is to express yourself anonymously on the internet, at first, than it is to boldy reverse years of non-communication with honest admissions of needing/wanting more attention from your spouse.

 

I suggest that it was the effect of your being able to SPEAK FROM YOUR SOUL with that first online guy... that made him seeeeeeeeeeeem to be such a great person. Much of what he appeared to be in your mind, resulted from what your mind felt free to say and confess. As any decent male would be, he was very willing to LISTEN to you, and to acknowledge your feelings at the time. As for now, you probably don't yet understand how much of that resulted from your own daring to just BE yourself.

 

So anyway... as for solutions or the nearest thing in the present that could at least be a positive step toward solving your present struggles:

 

You should probably be more bold in making your feelings and needs more clear to your husband. This has NOTHING to do with confessing about the affairs. But, and as others have said, perhaps a path toward marriage counseling would be very helpful.

 

In short, you need to risk more in putting your feelings and hurts on the line in front of your husband, instead of taking the idiotic advice of others that would have you HURT HIM for no immediate good to anyone.

 

Yes, in the distant future, sure it could be said that your husband would "probably" be happier and more content with someone else... AND that you would "probably" be happier and more content with a different husband.

 

BUT... you are already deeply invested in this one marriage, and you should probably stick your deep, personal FEELINGS out there even if it means RISKING your husband walking all over them... just so you can learn whether or not the marriage can be salvaged.

 

And in practical terms, why in the hell would anyone admit to affairs that the spouse didn't previously know about... IF indeed the path is heading toward eventual divorce and custody battles and the like???

 

How stupid can that other advice be???

 

Too many here are mad and fuming about their own lives and mistakes and they simply refuse to apply logic to your honest confidences...

 

Thank you S.O.G one of our biggest problem in our marriage is the break down in communication. When I do try to express my feelings I don't think he truly understands them or can relate to them so I hold them in.

[Siciliana]

Without taking the time to read through this entire thread, I am going to suggest, and hope that it already hasn't been said, that you stop focusing on other men, and go get you an education or some sort of vocation that will allow you to live with financial independence.

 

Don't give me age as an excuse, I am in my mid thirties and am still in college working towards my masters and CPA, I will not be done until I am 36.

 

I am not saying you have to run off and get as involved in education as I have, but you do need to do something to make yourself feel better and able to provide.

 

Good luck.

[soulconfessions]

Was your husband proven to be cheating?

 

I guess that would all depend on what you need as proof. no I did not see my husband having intercourse with another woman. And for the protection of my husband's identity and mine. I will not be devulging what proof I have. What's the point when the focus here is bashing the trailer trash nasty slut who cheated on her husband?

[soulconfessions]

Well, how bold of you. You've asked for the D but are you adult enough...do you have integrity enough...to insist that the two of you share custody of the kid(s) equally???

 

That's the REAL test. Sure, you can ask for the D...But will you use the kids as a meal ticket and club to beat your STBX with, or will you do the right thing and just go your seperate ways while letting the kids stay fully involved in their father's life???

 

Trailer Trash- look it up. It's not that unusual of a term.

 

what are you talking about.. custody of my children. check my age. what makes you think my chilren aren't grown and in college..

[soulconfessions]

Without taking the time to read through this entire thread, I am going to suggest, and hope that it already hasn't been said, that you stop focusing on other men, and go get you an education or some sort of vocation that will allow you to live with financial independence.

 

Don't give me age as an excuse, I am in my mid thirties and am still in college working towards my masters and CPA, I will not be done until I am 36.

 

I am not saying you have to run off and get as involved in education as I have, but you do need to do something to make yourself feel better and able to provide.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you!!!! you're absolutely right. i am to consumed with this other person that i haven't allowed myself to focus on myself and that is really sad that my self esteem is that low. i know if I better myself my marriage would benifit from it.

[LakesideDream]

I got through the first two pages of this thread before the vomit began rising in my throat.

 

I haven't read that the "husband" is a bad guy, or abusive. His major crime appears to be that he penetrated the OP's vagina first.

 

Because of this thoughtless crime, he deserves to be a cuckhold? He deserves to be exposed to all maner of venerial diseases? He deserves for his seemingly trustworthy wife to cruise the internet looking for sexual titillation?

 

Now multiply the above by 2.

 

Disgusting. Tell your husband what you have done. Arrainge for your childrens saftey. Leave the marriage and free yourself to experiment sexually with whomever you like, without promises or vows to another potential victim.

[Reggie]

Soulconfessions:

 

Don't listen to most of the bull**** these people are thrusting upon you. The fact is only morons are telling you to go to your husband and confess everything.

 

The truth remains that you can always tell him, but you can never un-tell him.

 

And the ONLY reason you would ever tell your husband of your infidelities is in order to sabotage your marriage. Truthfully nothing you have shared so far assures that you are ready or wanting to do that.

 

Now it may be true that your husband is a weak individual who is being walked all over and taken advantage of, unbeknownst to him, but that is HIS PROBLEM. Until he can deal with that independently, how do these people think he is big enough to deal with your pointless confessions to come?

 

Between the lines, in your story, is a marriage which suffered communication breakdown years ago... long before the internet guy, and long before the current affair guy.

 

So rather than your husband offer the time, affection, and ATTENTION that any stay-at-home mom would need, he just did nothing and effectively set his own trap. (he simply doesn't know he's trapped yet)

 

Now you are certainly far from blameless in all of this... but I can truly understand how much easier it is to express yourself anonymously on the internet, at first, than it is to boldy reverse years of non-communication with honest admissions of needing/wanting more attention from your spouse.

 

I suggest that it was the effect of your being able to SPEAK FROM YOUR SOUL with that first online guy... that made him seeeeeeeeeeeem to be such a great person. Much of what he appeared to be in your mind, resulted from what your mind felt free to say and confess. As any decent male would be, he was very willing to LISTEN to you, and to acknowledge your feelings at the time. As for now, you probably don't yet understand how much of that resulted from your own daring to just BE yourself.

 

So anyway... as for solutions or the nearest thing in the present that could at least be a positive step toward solving your present struggles:

 

You should probably be more bold in making your feelings and needs more clear to your husband. This has NOTHING to do with confessing about the affairs. But, and as others have said, perhaps a path toward marriage counseling would be very helpful.

 

In short, you need to risk more in putting your feelings and hurts on the line in front of your husband, instead of taking the idiotic advice of others that would have you HURT HIM for no immediate good to anyone.

 

Yes, in the distant future, sure it could be said that your husband would "probably" be happier and more content with someone else... AND that you would "probably" be happier and more content with a different husband.

 

BUT... you are already deeply invested in this one marriage, and you should probably stick your deep, personal FEELINGS out there even if it means RISKING your husband walking all over them... just so you can learn whether or not the marriage can be salvaged.

 

And in practical terms, why in the hell would anyone admit to affairs that the spouse didn't previously know about... IF indeed the path is heading toward eventual divorce and custody battles and the like???

 

How stupid can that other advice be???

 

Too many here are mad and fuming about their own lives and mistakes and they simply refuse to apply logic to your honest confidences...

I disagree with this for a number of reasons. First, there is the practical and very real issue of giving your H a STD. Protection lessens the risk, but there is still considrable risk and the consequences can be grave. Early intervention with some of these diseases is critical in terms of mitigating the effects. Read condom labels. They confirm that the risk is stil present.

Second, there is the issue of the nature of your relationship with your spouse. With this deep dark secret festering, I think intimacy will be limited.

Third, there is no evidence that her H is in any way weak. That's not relevant, in any case. It's just as likely he has no clue and trusts his wife.

I'm sure you can see the inherent unfairness in you breaking your vows while he abides in reliance on your promises. This situation causes the most anger and resentment in a BS, as, like the STD exposure, it is clear evidence of how little value you place on his life and his freedom to choose its path.

I think, based on my reading, I speak for many BS's in relating how this type of disrespect, risk taking with my life and my ability to make an informed decision caused way more damage than the extramarital sex itself.

I acknowledge that a divorce and not seeing my kids, as well as the loss of my dream for a happy marriage to my wife has been very painful. But, I can deal with that better than the humiliation and pain of the betrayal and lying. I feel like years were taken from me. Co-parenting with that feeling is very difficult.