IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 (not counting the A thing, which frankly isn't affecting any of them because they don't know it even exists), You can't seriously beieve this. You have mentioned that he has expressed guilt to you. On a night that he is with you and then comes home to his wife do you think he is able to look in her eye and treat her the same as if he had spent a few hours playing pool with the guys. Also, he is playing Russian Roulette with all of their lives. She could find out at any moment. Can you imagine staying at home with young kids? While in this day in time it would be considered a blessing to be able to do so, it is by no means a picnic, and it is a very selfless choice. The adult interaction one would assume that she craves is being taken away from her while he is with you and most probably when he gets home. She very well could be too tired or busy to notice, but I can promise you, ask any BS here and they will tell you that they knew before they KNEW. Don't kid yourself into believing that this does not affect them.
Owl Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 He doesn't lie to you, doesn't give you false hopes, etc...all for one reason. He doesn't need to. He's getting all that he wants from you already, without having to make up those lies. He's getting exactly what he wants from you...an hour/week roll in the sheets. He's deliberately keeping any further contact between the two of you out of sight and out of mind. Its not an option for him. He's intentionally limiting your time together so that it keeps everything focused on the one thing he wants. I'm betting that hour/week time that the two of you get is almost entirely spent doing that one thing...with very, very little time left over for talking or anything else. The real question here is if that's ok with you. If you're ok with only being a roll in the sheets for him...then ok. But I'm guessing that's not what you REALLY want. So the next question is...why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? Why are you accepting this situation? Think about this...think about what his ACTIONS tell you he wants, about what is intent and plans are.
jj33 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Kismet what you are going through is very normal. You just havent met your match yet. There are two ways of looking at these things - you can look at someone and say he isnt a good bet for a long term relationship but I will take my chances because I enjoy his company or you can say I am not going to get involved with him and hope in time he realizes I am the best thing since sliced bread. What you are doing however is getting involved with unavilable men and hoping they will magically become available because they love you so much they will see the error of their ways. Unconsciously its a challenge and sadly a challenge that in most cases will fail. Its the lonliness that drives us to do it. To accept less because nothing more no matter how much we theoretically "deserve it" ever seems to be on offer. I dont know what the answer is. Its something you need to find for yourself. And belive it or not you can help who you are attracted to. Some people find security sexy, some people find kindness and generosity and care and attention to be very sexy. Once you really know and believe how you should be treated (not that you want some hot guy who makes you laugh) and what fundamentals are important to you, the ones who are just looking for fun will be less appealing. And there are plenty of sexy nice guys out there. They dont have to be bad boys to be fun.
Author KismetGirl Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 (not counting the A thing, which frankly isn't affecting any of them because they don't know it even exists), You can't seriously beieve this. You have mentioned that he has expressed guilt to you. On a night that he is with you and then comes home to his wife do you think he is able to look in her eye and treat her the same as if he had spent a few hours playing pool with the guys. Also, he is playing Russian Roulette with all of their lives. She could find out at any moment. Can you imagine staying at home with young kids? While in this day in time it would be considered a blessing to be able to do so, it is by no means a picnic, and it is a very selfless choice. The adult interaction one would assume that she craves is being taken away from her while he is with you and most probably when he gets home. She very well could be too tired or busy to notice, but I can promise you, ask any BS here and they will tell you that they knew before they KNEW. Don't kid yourself into believing that this does not affect them. oK, i'LL admit that maybe he may act a little different when he goes home after seeing me, but I nor you know that for sure cause neither of us are there. For all I know he could act the same as he always acts, or maybe she doesn't notice. It's also possible she does notice but doesn't put her finger on what the cause is. There are many "possibles". He definitely doesnt take time away from her to be with me. He usually leaves work an hour earlier than he would if he wasn't seeing me to see me for 45 min to an hour or so, so that time never would have gone to her. One hour a week to me is hardly taking physical time away from her.... But i agree, the other things are possible. She'll only find out if he slips up, and considering how little time he spends with me, I doubt she will unless he really does something idiotic. Which I guess is possible....
Author KismetGirl Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 He doesn't lie to you, doesn't give you false hopes, etc...all for one reason. He doesn't need to. He's getting all that he wants from you already, without having to make up those lies. He's getting exactly what he wants from you...an hour/week roll in the sheets. He's deliberately keeping any further contact between the two of you out of sight and out of mind. Its not an option for him. He's intentionally limiting your time together so that it keeps everything focused on the one thing he wants. I'm betting that hour/week time that the two of you get is almost entirely spent doing that one thing...with very, very little time left over for talking or anything else. The real question here is if that's ok with you. If you're ok with only being a roll in the sheets for him...then ok. But I'm guessing that's not what you REALLY want. So the next question is...why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? Why are you accepting this situation? Think about this...think about what his ACTIONS tell you he wants, about what is intent and plans are. Actually it's a bit half and half with the talking and the shagging, one or two hours a week of that, and then he'll usually call/text me outside of that to see how I'm doing if I haven't spoke to or seen him in a couple days. we have chats while he's at work, etc. He seems to get rather worried when I haven't spoken to him in a few days and usually calls me , but generally , you're right, we don't speak like we used to. We used to go out to games, bars, hang out as friends, it's all changed now that he's got three small kids at home. I don't know why Im allowing myself to be treated this way. I get mad at myself for it and then don't change it. Im not blaming anyone but myself, its all my fault, Im just hoping with continued encouragement and support I'll muster up that strength to cut him off. Having kind support is helping me see things differently, albeit very slowly, but it's better than the sstate I was in before I started talking about it on here, etc. Im going from a place where I have delusions that he gives a sh*t about me and things might have been different had he been single when I met him, to realizing that maybe they wouldnt have and its irrelevant in any respect because I didn't meet him when he was single. To be honest, Im not sure if I mentioned this, but it was a moment of weakness that I broke that YEAR of NC to start this nonsense again. I had been dating someone else that I liked very much, for the first time since I met MM I'd met someone else that made me feel really great, and was single (woooo!) and smart and made me laugh, and strangely, I never thought he was as good looking as MM, but I liked him so much that he became attractive to me on the same level as far as sexual intensity was concerned. He broke up with me because we lived 5,000 miles apart and he couldn't handle the distance anymore. i was crushed, and lonely, and missing that feeling you get when you know sommeone likes you, and that's when , in that moment of weakness and being alone, I called MM just to say hello one day, and that was that. Despite everyone telling me I need to stand alone and learn to live without someone as a "crutch", I can't help it. I am sooo independant with everything, but with MM, it's very difficult for me to put him out of sight and mind when I haven't got anyone else to 'distract' me from him. This other long distance guy kept me happy and so I didn't need to think about MM for over a year. It sucks yes, but I guess at least Im not really in denial about this going anywhere....one must appreciate the positives....
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 i was crushed, and lonely, and missing that feeling you get when you know sommeone likes you, KG, Do you believe you could ever be completely, totally, exuberantly happy without having ANYONE in love with you? It has come up several times in this thread and that is why I ask. This seems to be the source of your unhappiness. The truth is that you will never know true happiness until it comes from within. THIS is what it would benefit you to explore with a counselor. (I do not mean that as an insult, it just keeps screaming out in your posts to me)
Owl Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Kismet, there's nothing wrong with wanting someone to love you. Nothing wrong with having a partner who is a 'crutch' for you to lean on. But...this guy clearly isn't that. He's not a partner. He's not in love with you. He's USING you to scratch an itch. This isn't love. Its not even remotely close. A half hour a week of sex and a half hour of conversation is NOT love, in any definition of the word. You'd be far better off to start looking for what you're seeking in someone who CAN reciprocate.
wildsoul Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I can very much relate to parts of your story about how you are very independant on the outside but secretly lonely and sad on the inside. I can especially relate to how that inner-neediness that you try to cover up is a source of shame. One of the traps is that once you let a man inside your complicated heart, you still try to act cool and like you don't need him, but how it actually plays out is that you can't let go, and will do anything to hang on. Your ideas of acting indifferent or doing things to get him to leave you are all cover ups. Desperate attempts at hiding that inner-neediness of yours that YOU cannot accept. I know it hurts to admit that you're needy, and that you are willing to accept crumbs rather than admit you want more (and risk losing the crumbs.) You don't seem ready just yet to leave him, but we can all see that you are changing. These seeds of change are sprouting in you. That's why you're here. You knew full well that we are going to encourage you to leave. Some part of you WANTS to. You will have to get to the point when your desire for a better deeper love are stronger than the fear that keeps you settling for the crumbs. You must risk love starvation in order to have more. But trust me, when you let go, there is SO much more for you. So much more. (((hugs)))
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 He's USING you to scratch an itch. Yes. But she is also using him for comfort, to make herself feel special and loved. Problem is, it's based on a false reality! He's married and cannot give her what she truly desires.
bish Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I guess after this long, drawn out post, my questions are, basically: -should i bother telling him how I feel about him? Sure. Maybe he'll leave his wife and kids for you. Wouldn't that be wonderful?? -should i try to get him to admit how he feels about me, one way or another (and by that, I mean, if its just about sex, fine, i'll still sleep with him Wow....all I have to say about that statement is.......WOW! Sorry.....having one of those days. Try being his wife. Maybe someday you will be his wife. And if that someday ever comes, maybe, or more than likely, there will be another woman who he is having sex with on the side behind your back. One can only dream. Thank you for the advice, if any. It's most appreciated. Honestly, why do you want a cheater? Is the saying true? jerks get the women? If so, I need to take some cheating lessons from this guy. Really though, why settle for someone elses cheating husband? Is it the idea of "why not...if it wasn't me it would be someone else anyway??" but we already know you are just satisfied simply having sex with someone elses husband, you said so yourself. Again...all I can say is...WOW!
stillafool Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 i was crushed, and lonely, and missing that feeling you get when you know sommeone likes you, KG, Do you believe you could ever be completely, totally, exuberantly happy without having ANYONE in love with you? It has come up several times in this thread and that is why I ask. This seems to be the source of your unhappiness. The truth is that you will never know true happiness until it comes from within. THIS is what it would benefit you to explore with a counselor. (I do not mean that as an insult, it just keeps screaming out in your posts to me) This is what I'm thinking too. Do you absolutely have to have someone else in order to get over this guy? It almost sounds like you "just gotta have a man to be happy" instead of waiting and finding the right guy for yourself.
Author KismetGirl Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 This is what I'm thinking too. Do you absolutely have to have someone else in order to get over this guy? It almost sounds like you "just gotta have a man to be happy" instead of waiting and finding the right guy for yourself. Well, not just any man, of course, or I could have been happy already unfortunately. I date plenty.....they seem to always I like me, and I rarely like them back, if ever. To be honest, i think I cling in this one area of my life because I'm often quite unhappy, depressed, stressed, etc, that I seriously just crave this one thing for myself, hoping that if I had it maybe everything else would be easier to deal with. It's not supposed to make sense necessarily.....things often don't when you're depressed. I had a whole paragraph in here explaining my clinical depression, but i erased it before posting, it doesn't really matter right now. Don't worry, im not going to go jump off a cliff or anything. Anyway, I didn't want to get into a whole mental health debate, i should have just left it at my original point, which was, im pretty sure i cling in this area of my life because i tend to feel pretty crappy alot of the rest of the time and like a drug, when something makes you feel so good for even a short bit, no matter how bad it is, you hold on, wishing something else would come along to make you feel that way that wasn't that bad for you. You know what's funny, or not, I just got a call from a "restricted" number on my phone and my initial paranoia set in, my heart beating like mad, wondering right away if MM's W somehow found my phone number and called to see who was on the other end. I start thinking- did he forget to erase a text? was she going over the phone bill and noticed lots of text messages to my number?. Whoever it was hung up on me as soon as I said "hello", and i'll probaby be paranoid until tomorrow when i hear from him to make sure all is ok. Im sure its not her, but I swear I just spent the last hour being paranoid, wondering if it was. Ugh, this is no way to live a life, is it....
NoIDidn't Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 What a sad, sad way to live. I am not judging you, but the situation you are in screams booty call. Just because the two of you hung out as friends before means nothing. This man is accepting whatever you give him - not using you. So what he isn't lying to you! He's helping you to live a lie. Which is worst? I'm sorry KismetGirl, but there is nothing in your sitch that says hope for the best. You haven't got anything to hope for here. Time for you to figure out why you are accepting so little - and that excuse about the work schedule is just that. Soul searching time....
stillafool Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 What a sad, sad way to live. I am not judging you, but the situation you are in screams booty call. Just because the two of you hung out as friends before means nothing. This man is accepting whatever you give him - not using you. So what he isn't lying to you! He's helping you to live a lie. Which is worst? I'm sorry KismetGirl, but there is nothing in your sitch that says hope for the best. You haven't got anything to hope for here. Time for you to figure out why you are accepting so little - and that excuse about the work schedule is just that. Soul searching time.... I have to agree! If you are dating plenty it is only a matter of time before you meet someone (available) with the chemistry you crave. Also if you are dating plenty your work schedule doesn't affect that part of your life. You seem to want what you can't have and that maybe the problem. You said the other guy you were crazy about was unavailable also. This is a sad way to live your life. Waiting for this guy. It sounds like he likes spending time with his wife and kids because he won't accept your invitations to go out. Think about it, if he wanted to he could still go out sometimes but obviously he would rather be home. He probably enjoys you tremendously but knows it will never go anywhere. He also more than likely feels like sh-t when he looks in his wife's eyes after leaving you and wonders how he can do this to his family. And, things probably would have been different between the two of you if you had met him first. But honestly I don't mean to hurt you but like to tell it like I see it because sugar coating sh-t will not help you at all. This man sounds like he loves his wife and family very much and is trying to tear hisself away from this affair.
Author KismetGirl Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 I have to agree! If you are dating plenty it is only a matter of time before you meet someone (available) with the chemistry you crave. Also if you are dating plenty your work schedule doesn't affect that part of your life. You seem to want what you can't have and that maybe the problem. You said the other guy you were crazy about was unavailable also. Well, I was dating, I haven't recently because I havent met many people (new people) lately. I tried blind dates through friends, online dating, just saying yes to guys that asked me out even if i knew inside i wouldnt like them, because everyone kept saying "give them a chance!". I got fed up with wasting what precious little free nights I had going out on dates with men that would become infatuated with me and that I couldn't care less for. They were always missing that spark. I don't believe in love at first sight or anything fanciful like that, don't get me wrong, but I do believe that a spark or chemistry with someone IS nearly immediate and you CAN see the potential shortly after meeting someone. If it's not there in the beginning, you may grow to love someone or care about them or like them, but you will NEVER develop a spark, for lack of better word. I have NEVER , EVER said that my MM does not love his wife. People seem to feel a need to remind me he loves her, and I wholeheartedly agree that he does love her. But he's not IN love with her, and he never has been. He said this before me and him even remotely hooked up, when we were just friends. His best friend said this same thing to me, and he's known both of them from before they were married. MM told him that he got married because he felt he had spent enough time "f**king around" and his W seemed like a good woman and he did love her and she felt "comfortable, like home". But he always said there was no spark between them and he just accepted that as what he thought all married couples are. He convinced himself that being married to a woman you felt more like a good friends towards was normal. He convinced himself that your wife wanting to have sex with you once every two months when you've only been married a couple of years and only have one child is normal. I never said anything to him during these conversations, we were just friends and I figured he was venting. He wasn't trying to get me to feel sorry for him or to get me into bed. Ive known him over four years and we only started sleeping together 8 months ago. Most of our time before was spent cuddling, talking, kissing, fooling around, hanging out, laughing. Our time has only become constrained lately because he's got three kids now and obviously more respomsibility and is working two jobs, and to be honest I don't want him to get in trouble with his wife and neither does he, so it's very difficult to make time. People also feel a need to say "well, him and his wife had two more kids in the last four years, so they must be f**king all the time!" Um....he readily admits she'll sleep with him every couple of months. I hardly consider that a healthy sex life between a husband and wife, but even having sex every two months when you are both young and fertile as they are will result in at least an 85% chance of becoming pregnant within one year f you're not using other methods of birth control. Check out the stats. You don't have to be doing it like rabbits every week. People underestimate that a romantic couple SHOULD have a spark. A spark is not just sexual attraction. I've seen 80 year old couples who probably dont have sex anymore still look at each other and talk about each other like they've been in love from day one. Throughout fights and marriage and kids and stress, they never lost it. People need this. I need this, and that is why I refuse to date men I don't feel a spark with just because they're nice or feel comfortable. i did that with my ex-fiance, I tried for four years to convince myself that he was a good man, would make a great father, a great husband, we even had a pretty good sex life ( i mean, i wasn't even attracted to him that much after a while sexually and we still slept together nearly every other day, because i feel that's an important part of a relationship), he worshipped me, loved me so much, would never have cheated on me....and after four years all i felt was loneliness at the thought of spending my whole life with someone who had never, from day one, made me feel excited about seeing him that day. I know that I can't have that feeling all the time, every day, but NEVER? I loved him very much, very very much, he was great, and yet.....he was missing something. That un-named quality I refer to as a "spark" because there isn't any other approriate word for it. So I broke up with him. He cried. He got married to someone else last year and Im glad he found someone who did have that spark with him. She's a lovely girl. But, I rarely feel that spark, and got frustrated lately wasting my little amount of free time on these guys. The last date I had just pushed me over the edge. I went out with this guy who talked me into letting him "use my bathroom" despite my telling him that I was NOT going to sleep with him on the first date, and after I let him upstairs he nearly raped me in my livingroom until I started screaming that I would call the police. I had to tell him 12 times to get off of me and get his hands off of me as he pinned my arms down at my sides and pushed my bloody dress up to my hips. It was , in a time when Im already stressed and depressed, something that pushed me over the edge and made me want to give up right now. I immediately ran to MM. He makes me feel safe and loved, even if it's only in small time frames. He doesn't lie to me, he doesn't tell me things that will only serve to hurt me more because to be honest, hearing him tell me he loves me in a way would be even more torture. I really want to know, but I can't do anything about it, so maybe he's doing me a favour by keeping it out of the conversations. He's letting us just enjoy what little time we get together, and maybe that's for the best for now. My time is so very constrained that the rare instances I have to go out, I see friends or family instead of these guys that I feel absolitely nothing for at all. As for the one other guy I genuinly could have fallen in love with, that I dated the whole time I had NC with MM for that year, the other guy I was crazy about was also crazy about me, but I couldn't promise him that I would move to the UK anytime soon (he lived in London), if ever, and the distance ultimately became an issue. He tried to visit me as often as he could but there's just so much you can do when you live across an ocean from each other and have no idea if either of you will move to be with the other ever. I wasn't prepared to leave the US forever, I have a long and tough school road ahead of me with medical school and residency, and he has a life in the UK he didn't want to give up. No matter how much you like someone, upheaval of a person's life for what is basically an unknown (and all relationships are ultimately an unkown, in one way or another) is not something most people can do. It's somewhat easier to give it a go when you live in the same are and you aren't really giving anything up while you test the waters, but, Giving up your friends, family, job and life in one country to move on the hopes that it might work out with someone just isn't possible for some people, let alone giving up seeing your kids every day, hurting a woman you do love despite not being in love with her, or giving up your house or putting youself into poverty , which divorce can easily do to a person when he's the only one working, not making more than 80K a year supprting a family of five and a mortgage, with a wife who hasn't worked in 4 years to be a SAHM. People think these details, like money , shouldnt be an issue, but it is. Think its hard to support a family and house payments on 4K a month? trying paying for a family of five, a house, a seperate apartment, all the bills and alimony on that same amount. This is a sad way to live your life. Waiting for this guy. It sounds like he likes spending time with his wife and kids because he won't accept your invitations to go out. Think about it, if he wanted to he could still go out sometimes but obviously he would rather be home. He probably enjoys you tremendously but knows it will never go anywhere. He also more than likely feels like sh-t when he looks in his wife's eyes after leaving you and wonders how he can do this to his family. And, things probably would have been different between the two of you if you had met him first. But honestly I don't mean to hurt you but like to tell it like I see it because sugar coating sh-t will not help you at all. This man sounds like he loves his wife and family very much and is trying to tear hisself away from this affair. I agree with everything in that paragraph you said above, except the fact that he's trying to tear himself away from me. He went back and forth alot in the beginning, years ago, but lately while I know he IS torn between me and his guilt, but I don't think he's going to give me up anytime soon unless his W finds out, in which case I wouldn't expect him to choose me over his children, that's just stupid. I'm not waiting around for him, I really do wish I would find someone else that could make me feel this way. I do have hope that it will happen, sometimes it's just hard to imagine it happening. I know he hates how he feels when he goes home after seeing me, or having to lie, but he does it anyway, and it isn't just because of the sex or this wouldn't have been going on this long. He's woken up early on days he's been sick with a fever, spent all night trying to put a sick baby to sleep, just so he can come ove to my apartment on his way to work and lay next to me and just hug each other for an hour. He may be bad with expressing himself in words, but physically he's always been affectionate. Of course he loves his family very much, if he didn't he wouldn't be the type of man that I could ever fall in love with. Ironic, isn't it. If he was enough of an assh**e to just dump his wife and kids for me, I'd think he was horrid and would not want him. But it kills me that I know we can never be together. A catch 22 isnt it.... I know he would like to spend more time with me, but let's be honest....he doesn't have a job where he can be like "hey [insert W's name here], I'll be home very late tonight because Im meeting with clients" or soemthing. And yes, he wants to be there to see his kids before they go to sleep and to help with homework. He's a good dad, he SHOULD want to do those things, but there are only so many hours in the day and children will always come before anyone else. He HAS made excuses to see me for longer periods, but its very rare, because its only rarely that such an excuse to stay out longer makes sense so that W won't get suspicious. I get upset that he can't spend more time with me or seem to make the effort, but when I calm down and think rationally, I know that, right now, with two jobs, and three children ranging in age from 5 years old, down to 2 months old, it's just not possible without almost definitely risking his W finding out. He wants to be a good dad and that means being home when his daughter has a recital, or one of them is sick, etc. I don't blame him for not wanting to leave his W, or his M, or his kids. He likes being there in the morning to put his daughter on the bus to school for the first time, or being there when his son said his first word . He doesn't want to miss out on these things and many other things that are part of the family existance. But that doesn't mean he isn't missing something. And at the risk of sounding like a twat, maybe that something is me. If there was some magical way to meld all the things in his life he loves together, he would, but its not possible right now. So at the end of the day, he must choose his family for most of his time. I know that. With time I hope that I either meet someone else or find the strength to pull away but its tough now, im not sure im ready to do it yet. He came over to mine yesterday afternoon and I coudl have lay there forever next to him, with him next to me, in me. We talked about school, work, mutual friends, life, wathever. We like alot of the same things, he finishes my sentences a lot of the time and vice versa. The fact that the sex is the most amazing f**king I've ever experience in my life (and Ive had plenty of fabulous shagging before) is icing on the cake, and it's part of what little we get togehter, so I take it as much as I can get it. When he left yesterday my legs stayed wobbly for hours. He texted me from work two hours after he left to tell me he could still barely move his extremeties :-) Fate is very cruel, sometimes, to present you with someone so perfect for you and yet so unavailable. I can only assume that giving me this man has let me know the type of connection with someone I should aspire to, and not to settle for anything less than the type of connection that I have with MM, except with someone that IS available to me. I love him so much it feels like my whole body goes into a frenzy and at the same time a serene calm just sitting with him on my sofa, in that perfect moment when he's looking at me with that look on his face, holding my hand, and that longing I feel when he's walked out my door, except most of the time he'll run back up two flights of stairs just so he can kiss me one more time before he drives away. What do you all think: is comfort enough, or do you also feel you need that ominous "spark" to really be happy in a relationship? I don't mean in family and life in general- I mean in a relationship with someone. A marriage is just a more serious relationship, after all. I wish chocolate and love were the same :-) I'd go buy a big box of Godiva and feel this bliss all day long.
stillafool Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 It seems that you are happy and content with what you have with MM. I guess that's all that matters. Good luck to you all.
torranceshipman Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Take a snapshot of your R RIGHT NOW. You are spending an hour writing a long winded post on a R forum, defending a married guy over and over about why he can only find 30mins a week to be with you, alone and miserable. Whilst at the same time, HE is probably cuddling with his W on the couch with his kids,not giving you much thought. THIS sums up your entire R to a tee. WHY WHY WHY would you put yourself through this anymore? Believe me, if you were single but without an MM, you'd be a whole lot LESS down about being single than you are now, simply because this horrible situation keeps kicking you in the gut on a daily basis. Being with this MM is tipping you into misery-just get this toxic guy and this toxic situation out of your life.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I don't think he's going to give me up anytime soon unless his W finds out Just wanted to pull this out so you can read it alone. Do you understand what it says? To me it says, "I'm okay with having my relationship and future happiness depend on the knowledge of my relationship by a third party. I like the closet. I'll stay in it! Because I don't deserve to be able to walk in this world with someone who is committed to me." And be real; if he did leave his wife and children to be with you, would you ever really trust him? You seem all happy to be keeping secrets from his current wife; could you be happy with a H keeping secrets from you? Would that make you feel 'protected'?
The_411 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Kismet, Break it off with the MM. Do not keep dating. What you need to do is make friends and do things that you enjoy. You are still very young and have your whole life in front of you. Do you really want to wake up at 40 still dealing with this guy getting nothing more than booty calls from him? It sounds like you are puttting your happiness into your intereactions with him and day dreaming that he'll leave his wife. Start working on things you want to accomplish. Set goals for yourself. Take up hobbies. Learn about the world. Travel. There is so much out there that limiting yourself for an unavialable man who doesn't care for you more than is necessary for you to spread your legs or fellate him.
Author KismetGirl Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Kismet, Break it off with the MM. Do not keep dating. What you need to do is make friends and do things that you enjoy. You are still very young and have your whole life in front of you. Do you really want to wake up at 40 still dealing with this guy getting nothing more than booty calls from him? It sounds like you are puttting your happiness into your intereactions with him and day dreaming that he'll leave his wife. Start working on things you want to accomplish. Set goals for yourself. Take up hobbies. Learn about the world. Travel. There is so much out there that limiting yourself for an unavialable man who doesn't care for you more than is necessary for you to spread your legs or fellate him. thanks for the word of advice on spreading my legs and fellating, but I have plenty to keep me busy, in fact, I have too bloody much. I have school, I have work, Im applying to medical school next year, I have friends, I can't afford financially or time wise to travel right now though generally I am quite the globe trotter, and am even applying for a visa to go live in London next year. I dont limit myself to him, I just haven't found many people besides him that make me feel the way he does. I found one other, it didnt work out with him, what can you do. Yes I do wonder what it would be like if he left his wife, but im also realistic and know it most likely won't happen. Have crazier things happened and is it possible? I guess, but Im not banking on it, Im just having a tough time letting go. It's not always a matter of being busy or having friends or finding bloody hobbies. Im a very well rounded person, I just find myself emotionally and physically attracted to him, and to be honest, he's not the only one here that is after a bit of sex. I am an intensely sexual person, but i don't sleep around with just anyone, and he's a source of very consistent, mind-blowing, clawing-off-the-ceiling sex, which relaxes me, and which to be honest, is also very hard to give up. Think of me what you will, but men aren't the only ones who value sex for what it is.
The_411 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 It's understandable because affairs are a drug addiciton. It seems to me you are afraid that you won't find someone to replace him in the bedroom. Not every guy you meet will be good or even great. I lvoe sec jsut as much as the next guy, but it's not my end all be all. I gain great satisfaction from a lot of other things. I'd rather have great love and decent sex than mind blowing sex becuase for me the great lvoe part makes you appreciate your partner's flaws and maybe they're not great but it's feeling and sentiment that they love you that counts.
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