gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 So I'm reading threads here about a girl dating/sleeping with a guy who's also interested in another woman (sorry serialgf, your thread just so happens to be on top) and so many threads about guys who don't want to commit, etc. And ofcourse, girls who stick by these guys regardlessless. And I"m thinking, for girls who do that, are you actually ok with wanting to be with a guy who's not totally into you? Are you ok with settling for less and for being with a guy who does not even see you as one of his top priorities? I dunno but that would make me pretty frustrated personally. I mean I understand if you've been dating the guy for a few months and everything was great at first but then some issues came up which is normal and you're trying to save the relationship since you've invested so much in it. But if you've only gone out with the dude for 3 dates and he's treating you that way, I mean is it really that desirable for you anymore?
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 hey dude well since i was the inspiration for your thread i thought i would respond.... no offense taken by the way (but maybe you could give me some advice on my thread) in my case i just feel like this guy and i just started dating like today is our first date. so at such an early stage of the relationship i think its natural for people to like multiple people. i appreciate his honesty and i think by telling me that he was trying to be as up-front as possible (and that's what he stated)... he did however suggest that he will make up his mind but he can't do that until we've dated a little and i understand that too... i mean plenty of people have crushes on multiple people and those feelings remain until they decide to settle down with someone... but i don't know, i may be wrong... maybe i do put up with too much BS....
Author gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 in my case i just feel like this guy and i just started dating like today is our first date. so at such an early stage of the relationship i think its natural for people to like multiple people. i appreciate his honesty and i think by telling me that he was trying to be as up-front as possible (and that's what he stated)... he did however suggest that he will make up his mind but he can't do that until we've dated a little and i understand that too... i mean plenty of people have crushes on multiple people and those feelings remain until they decide to settle down with someone... but i don't know, i may be wrong... maybe i do put up with too much BS.... I guess maybe I'm uptight or prudish, but I can never date a guy who'd even consider dating someone else even in the beginning stages of a realtionship. I like to feel special, and I don't feel special when I'm just seen as an option by someone. I've never dated more than one person at a time and it just to happens that I've never dated someone who's also dated multiple people. I mean, it would just take all the romance and butterflies out of the dating process haha.
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 ha we have very different outlooks. to me feeling special is just an illusion sometimes, especially in the early stages of a relationship. i mean, don't get me wrong, it totally made me a bit sad that he also thinks this other girl is cool, but i just see it as human nature. people are attracted to other people. and i feel that often when you start dating a guy and he's making you feel special by telling you the only one, often he's leaving something out. not that he is dating/sleeping with someone else, but he probably has other romantic interests. then as you start dating, that's when he loses those other interests and focuses on you. it's natural and i'd rather be told the truth than fed a line.
Author gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 ha we have very different outlooks. to me feeling special is just an illusion sometimes, especially in the early stages of a relationship. i mean, don't get me wrong, it totally made me a bit sad that he also thinks this other girl is cool, but i just see it as human nature. people are attracted to other people. and i feel that often when you start dating a guy and he's making you feel special by telling you the only one, often he's leaving something out. not that he is dating/sleeping with someone else, but he probably has other romantic interests. then as you start dating, that's when he loses those other interests and focuses on you. it's natural and i'd rather be told the truth than fed a line. But that's because you are assuming that ALL men have multiple interests and that they are lieing if they think otherwise. If a guy really likes you, he wouldn't even think of anyone else...that is natural too. I know for me that if someone is really special to me, I don't even look for other guys. This can also depend on the guy as well. Usually if a guy has been single for some time and is patiently waiting for that special someone and you so happen to be the one, then you will know you are special.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I have dated and will probably date guys who are not totally into me. I do this only when I'm not totally into them as well. This is usually in the first few dates/weeks, until we figure out whether we're really interested in seeing whether something can develop.
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 i'm not making any assumptions... i am just accepting what this particular guy is like. most of the guys i've dated have only been interested in me and that was rad.... but i guess its not a requirement for me... i think in either case it can turn into a healthy relationship.... i don't disagree with you, i just have a more laid back attitude about attraction and relationships i guess...
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I have dated and will probably date guys who are not totally into me. I do this only when I'm not totally into them as well. This is usually in the first few dates/weeks, until we figure out whether we're really interested in seeing whether something can develop. yes i agree with this
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 never date a guy who'd even consider dating someone else even in the beginning stages of a realtionship. I like to feel special, But how will the guy know that you are (his kind of) "special" if you don't give him the chance to find that out? The fact that he has asked you out, proves that in his mind you do have the potential to be his kind of special, yes, but he still needs to spend time with you to confirm that. To me, there's a whole different set of dynamics and expectations for the first dozen or two (or whatever number) of "getting to know each other" outings. These aren't "beginning stages" of anything -- they only have the potential to be that, and even then can only be recognized in hindsight, anyway. But it takes time to gather all the details, facts and intuitions that are needed for each person to make a well-informed decision about getting into a relationship with another, which ought to be the purpose of those initial, non-exclusive, no-commitment, casual 'dates'. Ideally, that is how they would work to each person's benefit. THEN the two people may have a conversation and make the mutual decision to enter into a relationship with each other, which is actually the starting point of the committed relationship...with its new set of dynamics and expectations about exclusivity, being the 'special' one, etc.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 yes i agree with this To be clear, however... I would never date someone I knew to be sleeping with someone. Ever. I also wouldn't sleep with someone who I knew was even dating anyone else. Ever. My response was limited to the first few casual dates only.
Konfuzion Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 People want what they cant have, end of story.
Stockalone Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I guess maybe I'm uptight or prudish, but I can never date a guy who'd even consider dating someone else even in the beginning stages of a realtionship. I like to feel special, and I don't feel special when I'm just seen as an option by someone. I've never dated more than one person at a time and it just to happens that I've never dated someone who's also dated multiple people. I mean, it would just take all the romance and butterflies out of the dating process haha. I know exactly what you mean. But it's not only men who date multiple people. Women do that, too. I have encountered one woman who dated multiple guys. Back then, I didn't even know that people do that, and it really annoyed me. Why the hell should I put time, effort and my undivided attention towards our dates when she doesn't do the same. Honestly, should I ever date again, I am very tempted to just ask on the first date if she is also dating other men. And I don't care if that makes me look immature or needy or whatever.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 But how will the guy know that you are (his kind of) "special" if you don't give him the chance to find that out? The fact that he has asked you out, proves that in his mind you do have the potential to be his kind of special, yes, but he still needs to spend time with you to confirm that. To me, there's a whole different set of dynamics and expectations for the first dozen or two (or whatever number) of "getting to know each other" outings. These aren't "beginning stages" of anything -- they only have the potential to be that, and even then can only be recognized in hindsight, anyway. But it takes time to gather all the details, facts and intuitions that are needed for each person to make a well-informed decision about getting into a relationship with another, which ought to be the purpose of those initial, non-exclusive, no-commitment, casual 'dates'. Ideally, that is how they would work to each person's benefit. THEN the two people may have a conversation and make the mutual decision to enter into a relationship with each other, which is actually the starting point of the committed relationship...with its new set of dynamics and expectations about exclusivity, being the 'special' one, etc. I agree with this. I'd RATHER date someone who's dating multiple people and have him narrow it down to be with just me than have him start off limiting himself to just me to begin with. That's how I'm made to feel special. To expect him to know how special I am from the moment he meets me is unrealistic.
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 me too stargazer to clarify about my situation, since i guess its somewhat relevant to this thread, the guy i'm seeing has not done anything remotely romantic with this other girl... i think he's just enjoying the freedom or the luxury of being able to like more than one girl... i think its good for him i don't know if we will work out... we may just be friends... but i agree with you.. i would totally peace out if a guy i started dating were sleeping with or dating another girl... i can't handle that sh*t
Author gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 To be clear, however... I would never date someone I knew to be sleeping with someone. Ever. I also wouldn't sleep with someone who I knew was even dating anyone else. Ever. My response was limited to the first few casual dates only. Yes that's what I meant as well. I mean it seems like serialgf and alot of other girls on LS have been dating their guy and sleeping with em for weeks to months and the guy goes 'oh i like someone else too' or 'i can't commit'...that's what I call the beginning stages and usually it never really becomes a relatinship because the guy really isn't into the girl...
gd26 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I just posted on serialgf's thread... but I think the bottom line is to not invest more than you are given. If a guy is very casual about you and not ready to commit... that's fine, no need to pressure him. HOWEVER, that also means that you get to date other men as well, and keep your options open to. And certainly avoid sleeping with him, especially if you are the type who develops feelings for someone you have sex with. Some women say they don't develop feelings for a man they have casual sex with... but then later, they also come in here crying that they ended up developing feelings for someone, and don't know what to do. So I'm just being realistic. I find that many women in general (I'm including myself here) tend to be overly accepting of poor behavior from guys. I don't totally blame the guy, as the woman should have enough pride not to accept that kind of behavior in the first place. This summer I was really into a guy who is separated from his spouse, and will be filing for divorce shortly. She was verbally abusive to him, and cheated on him, then left him. I did feel bad for his situation, and thus, I think I became overly soft when he started getting emotionally distant from me too. I realize that I made a mistake. Just because we understand a guy's situation (sure, we can be kind and gentle with them), but it doesn't mean we need to lower our standards. Rather than being overly lenient with his ambivalent behavior and acting clingy, I should have just stood up for myself and told him that he could contact me again after his divorce is finalized, if he feels emotionally ready to pursue a relationship with me. In fact, if a guy has a traumatic past with women, that is ALL THE MORE REASON to assert healthy boundaries with him, instead of lowering our standards because we feel bad for what they've been through. It doesn't help them either to go from one unhealthy relationship to the next.
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Yes that's what I meant as well. I mean it seems like serialgf and alot of other girls on LS have been dating their guy and sleeping with em for weeks to months and the guy goes 'oh i like someone else too' or 'i can't commit'...that's what I call the beginning stages and usually it never really becomes a relatinship because the guy really isn't into the girl... This is called assumption of exclusivity and commitment, something people should clarify through discussion before proceeding any further. Even if you have this type of discussion, there's no guarantee that the other person is that "into" you either. Things happen.
Author gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 I agree with this. I'd RATHER date someone who's dating multiple people and have him narrow it down to be with just me than have him start off limiting himself to just me to begin with. That's how I'm made to feel special. To expect him to know how special I am from the moment he meets me is unrealistic. I think the one difference with me is that I don't normally date mutliple people because there usually aren't multiple people I'm interested in. It normally takes me awhile just to find one person I thnk is special enough to me to date.
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Yes that's what I meant as well. I mean it seems like serialgf and alot of other girls on LS have been dating their guy and sleeping with em for weeks to months and the guy goes 'oh i like someone else too' or 'i can't commit'...that's what I call the beginning stages and usually it never really becomes a relatinship because the guy really isn't into the girl... dude i haven't even been on my first date with this guy... i think you're clumping me with these other chicks unfairly
Author gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 dude i haven't even been on my first date with this guy... i think you're clumping me with these other chicks unfairly This thread isn't directed towareds you but rather I'm just opening up a general discussion on this topic. Again, sorry to use you as an example. But thing is, you havent even been on a formal date with this guy and you alraedy had sex with him?
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 yes it happens all the time... people randomly have sex and then they decide, hey why not go out on a date? i just think that my situation is different than what you are talking about in terms of dating someone for a while and then he tells you he's also interested in someone else. that's not what's happening in my case and you keep using me as an example... but i dont think i'm an example of what you're talking about... hope i get my point across okay
Author gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 yes it happens all the time... people randomly have sex and then they decide, hey why not go out on a date? :eek:
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 me too stargazer to clarify about my situation, since i guess its somewhat relevant to this thread, the guy i'm seeing has not done anything remotely romantic with this other girl... i think he's just enjoying the freedom or the luxury of being able to like more than one girl... i think its good for him i don't know if we will work out... we may just be friends... but i agree with you.. i would totally peace out if a guy i started dating were sleeping with or dating another girl... i can't handle that sh*t He basically is. You've already slept together, and he's telling you about his feelings for another woman. Whether he's done anything romantic with her really isn't relevant. His desire is. Keep in mind that while he's already been inside you, he hasn't done anything romantic with you either.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 yes it happens all the time... people randomly have sex and then they decide, hey why not go out on a date? Uh, no. That doesn't happen all the time. ONS's, on the other hand, do happen all the time. They're called ONE NIGHT for a reason.
serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 He basically is. You've already slept together, and he's telling you about his feelings for another woman. Whether he's done anything romantic with her really isn't relevant. His desire is. Keep in mind that while he's already been inside you, he hasn't done anything romantic with you either. that's exactly why i think its okay that he likes someone else... i guess i am just separating the sex from the feelings... it's like i'm disregarding the sex... i know it happened i understand that but it has little to nothing to do with the dating part... it's almost like it was an accident... i don't know if anyone can relate to what i'm saying.....
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