serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 so i have serious doubts that its going to work out with my new guy. we have our first official date tonight but we've already "hung out" a few times. i am 28 - he's 35. he's very sweet and i think he's beautiful but he seems to be pretty traumatized by a past relationship. eight months ago he finally broke it off with his girlfriend of 7 years and he was telling me that she used to really beat the sh*t out of him constantly. they were doing a lot of drugs and she was just apparently very controlling and mean, but he loved her anyways.... so now he likes me but he's scared to get close to someone. last night he also told me that he kind of likes this other girl that he works with as well as me, though he hasn't done anything with her (he and i have had sex once and we make out hold hands etc.) and that he is kind of enjoying the luxury of liking two women - he says he's never been in that position. we were pretty drunk last night when we were having this talk however and this morning when i reminded him what he said about liking the other girl, he said, "i don't know if i do.... i'm just confused." he also said last night that he really wants me to be his friend before i am his lover and that he wants to take it really slow. so i don't know what to do because i'm a total romantic, sweep you off your feet type and its hard for me to hold back, though i guess i'm trying. but i can't help smooching him a lot, giving him compliments, etc. he seems to like it but i don't know... i feel like he's so scared... i'm confused... i need advice as to what to do!!
Mahatma Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Just don't try to rush things. Things will naturally advance over time. However, about the part about him liking two women, I would be a little worried about that. Do not let him "toy" around with you and this other girl for too long. He must make up his mind.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 yes he said to let him have a little time to make up his mind. i am a bit wary about him liking someone else but at the same time i do understand where he's coming from - he's been in two super long term relationships and he finally has the freedom to like whom he wants... i get that... and plus we haven't even been on our first actual date yet... i just don't know if i should totally back off and do the friend thing... but then at the same time i'm afraid of getting "friend-zoned" thanks for the advice mahatma
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 come on people i need some advice.... do i just suck at posting threads or what?
Touche Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 You've slept with him but haven't even been on a first date? You need to back WAY off, in my opinion. Continue the way you're going and you might just push him completely away. I'd back off on being so affectionate too. Let HIM call the shots now. Let him lead this a bit. Tell him you're there for him and leave it at that. In the meantime, I would see nothing wrong with dating others. Don't put all your eggs in one basket here. He doesn't sound ready for a committed relationship.
LoveJonesRomance Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 You may not like my advice, but if you're a hopeless romantic and he wants to take it slow, also considering his confused state on mind with another girl, chances are you will end up very hurt down the road. Do you really like him that much? Like a whole lot? . I would have avoided this one personally, he doesn't seem too keen for anything other than friendship, and maybe sex sometimes.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 thanks for the wise advice touche.... i think you're right. we slept together once, the first night we hung out... i thought it would be a one night stand... i guess it was more of an ice-breaker if you will and now i guess we've backpedaled... we are taking things slowly in the physical department... but i think you're right that i need to back off and not be so affectionate... i guess i want to know how do i do that when that's not how i am naturally? i'd really like some advice on how to be patient & subtle or whatever it is that i'm not... i think you're also right that he's not ready for a relationship right now and i guess i'm not really either since i just got out of one on friday... i know i'm totally whack.... i feel like we're doomed....
gd26 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 If he isn't sure about you, then he certainly shouldn't be able to have sex with you. You have to have more pride than to be a string along like that. Give him space, and date other guys yourself. Don't invest more into a relationship than you are being given... a huge lesson I've learned from past experiences.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 You may not like my advice, but if you're a hopeless romantic and he wants to take it slow, also considering his confused state on mind with another girl, chances are you will end up very hurt down the road. Do you really like him that much? Like a whole lot? . I would have avoided this one personally, he doesn't seem too keen for anything other than friendship, and maybe sex sometimes. yes i do like him a whole lot but i am down to take it slow.. i guess i just don't know how and that's the advice that i'm looking for... and i don't think he wants casual sex (even though we slept together the first night we hooked up) because he said he's not into that and his track record is long-term super committed relationships another thing that just came to my mind that i forgot to mention is that he said he has a history of being co-dependent and he doesn't want to become co-dependent with me i was also wondering if this liking the other girl thing is more of a defense mechanism... i believe he thinks she's cute but i think he's trying to use it so that i will lose interest... he has a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors that i recognize as defense mechanisms left over from being in an abusive relationship where he was constantly put down. he also says he's ugly, has bad breath, etc....
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 everyone here is so wise... i feel fortunate to be able to benefit from others' experiences... i just want to say that yes, i am going to try to keep my options open and just be cool and casual i just need help learning how to "back off"... i know some of y'all out there are good at "giving space" and being low-pressure i guess... teach me your ways!!!
2sunny Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 i'm surprised no one mentioned his use of drugs as a huge concern. even if it's in the past - that would be a huge red flag for me. if you insist on continuing to see him - i would take things VERY SLOW and keep my eyes wide open for any signs that would concern me.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 haha insist is a bit of a strong word isn't it? i mean geez i am only going on my first date with this guy... and he wants to go out with me too... it's not like i'm insisting on it but i know what you mean.... i will keep my eyes open the drug thing really doesn't concern me all that much just because i guess its part of my culture... i've done craptons of drugs and i'm okay with people who've done craptons of drugs... he doesn't do them now but they have messed with him a lot... he did cocaine every day for like two years, has smoked crack, etc. i am by no means saying this is a healthy attitude or anything but hey people who've done drugs have a right to have love lives too, right? i don't know.. it's good to get other peoples' perspective... keep it coming!
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 You've slept with him and now he's telling you he's confused about his feelings for another woman? Unacceptable, IMO.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 alright look... i slept with him the first night we hooked up... haven't you ever slept with someone the first night you hung out? it's called a hook-up, a one-night stand... to me it doesn't count as part of the dating process because it was before we talked about dating.... and we talked about it the next day and decided that we do want to date, get to know each other, etc.... it's backpedaling... isn't that okay? (that's a genuine question)
gummybear Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 alright look... i slept with him the first night we hooked up... haven't you ever slept with someone the first night you hung out? No I haven't. Serialgf, you seem like a nice girl and I hope you know how ONS are very unhealthy. I've only slept with 3 guys in my life, and all of em were after we became exclusive, all 3 were serious bfs.
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 alright look... i slept with him the first night we hooked up... haven't you ever slept with someone the first night you hung out? it's called a hook-up, a one-night stand... to me it doesn't count as part of the dating process because it was before we talked about dating.... and we talked about it the next day and decided that we do want to date, get to know each other, etc.... it's backpedaling... isn't that okay? (that's a genuine question) Actually, no. I've never done that. I've had a one-nighter with a long-term friend, but not a stranger. However, assuming I did, I'd never talk to him again if he disrespected me by essentially rolling off me and telling me about his feelings for another woman.
Touche Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 So you need "tips" on how to backoff? I don't get it? Is he like a drug that you're addicted to? You hardly even know him. Just back off. Distract yourself with other things. You already know he's "damaged goods" as evidenced by your title. Just don't call him anymore. Wait until he calls you if you must go out with him at all. Personally, I think he sounds like more trouble than he's worth.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 gummy, thanks for your concern. i don't make a habit out of ONS's but i have had a couple. i've slept with 8 guys in my whole life and every one has been very special (except for one drunken threesome).... i don't consider myself promiscuous by any means and compared to most of my friends i'm a total prude but i guess compared to you i'm a bit of a harlet i am safe every time, always use a condom etc (except for that drunken threesome) and i do recognize the risks of having ONS's. this was a bit out of character for me...
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 Actually, no. I've never done that. I've had a one-nighter with a long-term friend, but not a stranger. However, assuming I did, I'd never talk to him again if he disrespected me by essentially rolling off me and telling me about his feelings for another woman. dude that is so not what happened. you're totally exaggerating my situation. i slept with him friday night... we were drunk it was stupid. we like each other. we had breakfast the next day, hung out the next night and decided to go out on a date today. why can't i move on with dating and set the ONS aside, if you will? he told me about liking this girl yesterday.... he didn't say he wanted to pursue it or f*ck her or anything... he just said he wanted to be totally honest about how he feels... geez i feel like a freak compared to y'all
Star Gazer Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 If a man who just had his penis inside of me - either minutes, hours, or the day before - told me that he had feelings for another girl, using your words, I'd "peace out." Done.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 So you need "tips" on how to backoff? I don't get it? Is he like a drug that you're addicted to? You hardly even know him. Just back off. Distract yourself with other things. You already know he's "damaged goods" as evidenced by your title. Just don't call him anymore. Wait until he calls you if you must go out with him at all. Personally, I think he sounds like more trouble than he's worth. yes i do need tips on how to back off... it's not how i roll... what may seem obvious to you is very difficult for me and i am asking advice for strategies on how to do it... thank you for your input.... i am beginning to feel like i should just not call him about our date tonight... i am starting to feel bad about this whole thing...
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 If a man who just had his penis inside of me - either minutes, hours, or the day before - told me that he had feelings for another girl, using your words, I'd "peace out." Done. alright then i guess to each his own... i think in this situation its okay... but i'm probably just blinded by being in the situation... if i were giving someone else advice who was in my situation i might agree with you... i feel like an idiot
Touche Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 yes i do need tips on how to back off... it's not how i roll... what may seem obvious to you is very difficult for me and i am asking advice for strategies on how to do it... thank you for your input.... i am beginning to feel like i should just not call him about our date tonight... i am starting to feel bad about this whole thing... You're welcome. Ok, so let me ask you this. Why is it that you feel like YOU have to call about tonight's date? What would happen if you didn't call?
CarrieT Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 You seem incredibly defensive about the advise you are being given which is to back-off and slow down. You keep justifying the fact that you because you have already slept with him, that it should be okay to keep sleeping with him but you are confused. The confusion will clarify itself if you have the strength to NOT continue sleeping with him and see if feeling continue to grow. That would be the wise and intelligent thing to do, especially since he apparently is as confused about his new status as you are with yours.
Author serialgf Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 You're welcome. Ok, so let me ask you this. Why is it that you feel like YOU have to call about tonight's date? What would happen if you didn't call? because i am at work, and he has the day off and said "call me when you get out of work to see about the movie...." i don't feel like i HAVE to call about the date... i can wait... if i don't call i'm guessing he'll call me eventually but i'll feel a little rude because i told him i would call...
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