Author DealingWDrama Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 If he got a text before going into the therapists office, that would be ideal! Letting those issues get triggered helps the therapist see how you 2 respond to it, and then they can help you improve. Strong advice with a soft tone of voice: You are showing signs of obsession and need to stop engaging in the drama triangle. Make NO efforts to find out if she is pregnant or not (except as allowable by the courts.) No checking up. No need to hire a PI. Understandably, you are trying to exert control over this big huge thing you cannot control. Yet the obsession is in itself a sign of how this is making you sick. Even stronger advice: You did not create this affair. It's not your problem to solve. Your problem to solve is the repair of your marriage. That's all. Find a way to let go of obsessing about her. that's terrific advice. I'm trying really hard to let this go - it makes me physically ill....It's a process...
jj33 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Give her the number to your lawyer's office....tell her that any and all contact with your H or you needs to go through him. I know this sounds like a 'lame' excuse...but my lawyer's retainer fee is $3500 dollars...that's about 7000 pounds...if she is not pregnant - that would be $3500 bucks down the tube...no refunds. Actually its half that in pounds but no matter. $3500 is a lot of money but its far less than child support would be and if you dont use the retainer you should get it back with interest from his escrow account. You should not tell her to contact your lawyers office (no offense Owl). Your lawyer should write her a letter telling her NOT to contact you and that any and all contact should be through him. If your lawyer is too expensive contact your local bar assn and get a name of a cheaper lawyer to write the letter. The threat of a restraining order may keep her away. Alternatively file a complaint with the police. First call the police and discuss it with them, then if its the right route send her a registered letter advising her that any future contact will result in the filing of a complaint with the police department. But check your local laws first make sure H has not done anything that she could prosecute him for - there are some really odd laws still on the books in some states - thats why I prefer a lawyers letter. Otherwise just block her. If H doesnt block her, then hes got some xplaining to do.... Hang in there. You are doing great
Owl Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 No offense taken at all, JJ. We're suggesting the same thing...the use of the lawyer as an intermediary to end any kind of 'personal' contact, but leave the channels open for any required 'legal' contact. Your suggestion that this come from DWD's lawyer makes good sense. I have to also admit that it baffles me that her cousin would charge her these kinds of fees for a simple letter to be drafted and sent through his office. I wouldn't expect a full retainer fee to be required unless contact continued AFTER that letter was sent, and actual legal representation was required.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I have to also admit that it baffles me that her cousin would charge her these kinds of fees for a simple letter to be drafted and sent through his office. Me too. Family is family and if the cousin can't do her ONE favour, then atleast the cousin should cut the cost down and make it affordable.
jj33 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 No offense taken at all, JJ. We're suggesting the same thing...the use of the lawyer as an intermediary to end any kind of 'personal' contact, but leave the channels open for any required 'legal' contact. Your suggestion that this come from DWD's lawyer makes good sense. I have to also admit that it baffles me that her cousin would charge her these kinds of fees for a simple letter to be drafted and sent through his office. I wouldn't expect a full retainer fee to be required unless contact continued AFTER that letter was sent, and actual legal representation was required. I can understand the retainer because the letter could trigger an onslaught from OW and once retained the lawyer is bound to deal with it. But retainers are not minimum fees. DWD DONT use your cousin. This is too personal and you need someone very objective. And unless you are going to a big firm in Atlanta or Miami 3500 should go a long way - how high can the hourly rates be? Shouldnt be in excess of $300/hr. There are solo practitioners etc who will act for far less. Get yourself out of the middle. Find an attorney who will take a retainer of $500-1000. That should be sufficient. If OW contacts the attorney so much that it takes more than 3 hours is required you will be thinking about a restraining order anyway... The other thing you have to watch is your use of their time (hope I am not telling you what you already know) there is a tendency in personal matters to rant on and give minute detail and vent - the lawyer is not the therapist and the clock is ticking. I was involved in something earlier this year and I ran up about $2,000 in fees just calling to "check" and making sure they understood every little thing, offering my view of strategies etc (lawyers make the worst clients). This is a loaded issue for you and even as you sound its easy to spend half an hour on the phone without realizing it.
jj33 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I would add if you are shy to spend the money on a lawyer dont waste money on a PI. You dont have to prove anything other than to yourself or should I say H has to prove to you that he is working hard to make the marriage better. Unless of course you have doubts there in which case go with your gut. It seems to be serving you well. You left once. You are great. Stay strong.
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Methink you like the drama... You should (and you know it, but you don't do it) cut all contacts, change cell phones.. etc... If there is a child.. don't worry she'll know how to reach him... but I don't think there is.. like you said.. Sometimes the W gets obsessed with the OW.. and likes to 'know' all about her.. I should say 'fascinated' instead of obsessed... Kind of weird but I've seen that many times..
Author DealingWDrama Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Methink you like the drama... You should (and you know it, but you don't do it) cut all contacts, change cell phones.. etc... If there is a child.. don't worry she'll know how to reach him... but I don't think there is.. like you said.. Sometimes the W gets obsessed with the OW.. and likes to 'know' all about her.. I should say 'fascinated' instead of obsessed... Kind of weird but I've seen that many times.. You're wrong...I just found out about all of this crap 5 weeks ago...I have 2 small children whose lives I am responsible for. I am in no way shape or form obsessed over this other woman as a person...I don't like being F'ed with...either there is a kid or there isn't...I'll know for sure within the next week.
Author DealingWDrama Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 I would add if you are shy to spend the money on a lawyer dont waste money on a PI. You dont have to prove anything other than to yourself or should I say H has to prove to you that he is working hard to make the marriage better. Unless of course you have doubts there in which case go with your gut. It seems to be serving you well. You left once. You are great. Stay strong. JJ right now it just the idea of being screwed with by someone....I HATE it! For the past 2 years I have been raising two children, completing a Bachelor's degree, cleaning house, and attempting a mild social life...my marriage suffered...H found solice with OW...stuff happens...I should also mention that she is a nurse and the same day that his best friend was put under hospice, he called her for the first time...they worked together...blah blah blah...it's almost like a tape recorder can be played as to how it all started...talking, friendship, I wasn't there for him...yadda yadda. H is fighting hard for our marriage...in actions and in words.
noforgiveness Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Methink you like the drama... You should (and you know it, but you don't do it) cut all contacts, change cell phones.. etc... If there is a child.. don't worry she'll know how to reach him... but I don't think there is.. like you said.. Sometimes the W gets obsessed with the OW.. and likes to 'know' all about her.. I should say 'fascinated' instead of obsessed... Kind of weird but I've seen that many times.. Said like a true other woman who hopes she causes drama in the wifes life. Who has admittedly wanted to use sex as a weapon against wives. Yea ok she likes drama because she wants the truth if her husband got another woman pregnant.:rolleyes: This is someone's real life not the little fantasy you live in everyday so you can't get hurt. You hide behind sex as a sheild.
wildsoul Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Said like a true other woman who hopes she causes drama in the wifes life. Who has admittedly wanted to use sex as a weapon against wives. Yes, I agree with norforgivness on that. Now I feel the need to add a post-script. When I said I think you are showing unhealthy signs of obsession (in my post from yesterday) I did not mean that you were having some competitive interest in the OW. I actually think that is an insulting perspective. What I meant was that the situation was becoming an obsessive, as that is often what we do when grappling with something big and uncontrollable. You seemed to understand my meaning yesterday, but I wanted to underline it after this other comment.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I don't think she's obsessed. Both her and her husband are trying to figure out if this woman IS actually pregnant. Neither of them are contacting HER - The exOW is contacting THEM. Reguardless, the exOW in this situation is crazy and has issues. If it comes out she isn't pregnant - You can be sure there WILL be some sort of emergency, a suicide threat, or something like that. Someone else mentioned this earlier in the thread.
Lucky_One Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I would certainly ask your cousin to write her a letter telling her cease and desist from all communication (verbal, written, electronic, etc) with you and your H; if she has something that needs to be communicated, then she can call the lawyer. Otherwise contact will result in an order of protection. If she starts calling the cousin every day and his/her admin asst can't screen the calls, then the cousin can start charging. But I suspect that she will stop calling. I'd also change the H's cell number; it might be a bit inconvenient, but it would be worth it not to hear from her.
Author DealingWDrama Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Thank you ladies...not only for being an ear in this situation and giving good advice, but also for "having my back" when snakes come out of the tall weeds...hugs!
Recommended Posts