It just hit me that my BF is very selfish

[LoveJonesRomance]

I love my boyfriend. We have been dating for about four months now and everything is going just great. He is a very caring person and always shows his affections to me even in public. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy each others company very much.

 

Last night it hit me; he's a very selfish man. Yesterday, I had a rough day at work and was hoping to talk to someone just to get it off my shoulders (he does this to me often times), so I called his office number and left a message for him to call me back. He didn't. 3 hours later, I wrote him a sarcastic but sorta funny email "thanking" him for returning my call, and asking him what restaurants he had in mind for our dinner date tomorrow. I suggested a few and asked him for opinion. He didn't respond to my email.

 

Later at night, around 10pm, I called his house phone and he picked up. Since he sounded a bit lazy I asked if he wanted to take some rest and that we'll talk today to which he said it's okay, he loves to talk to me (wonder why he waited instead of calling me if this was the case?). Before I even before I had a chance to talk about my terrible day at work, he started talking about his 2 kids, and how one of them was complaining that he (my BF) spends so much time with his brother. Now, my impression of this child (12yrs) is that he's very spoiled and manipulative. It annoys me when I get to hear stories of silly tantrums he makes, and all my BF does is try to please him or just take it all. Mind you I'm a mother and I love my child, but I feel it's very important to let kids know where they stand and what their boundaries are. Now keep in mind, several times he has declared that this whinny child is his favorite, and to me it appears that he spends more time with this one, than the other.

 

So, he said that he'll need to spend more time with him. I advised him that, in the process of doing that, he should also remind whinny boy that his brother also needs his attention, and he loves them both. At this point in our conversation, he started yawning then said I should go to sleep I think, I don't want to yawn on you. I said, well okay talk to you tomorrow then, and I immediately hung up. It was like I had hung up on him, because we usually go into the 'have a goodnite, I love you' type of ****. Keep in mind I called him because I had issues to get off my shoulders, but I was hardly given that chance.

 

Now, I sat back and reflected all our conversations with him. I realized they were all just one-sided. It was always him telling me something about his kids, or co-workers, or mother etc. He hardly shows any interest in anything else in my life other than me. When I start talking about my friends or family, he'll interrupt me by giving his own examples therefore turning the attention back to himself again. Come to think of it, he doesn't even know my child by name, while I know names of everyone in his life. Fair?

 

Now, I don't want to leave this man. Maybe I'm handling the whole issue innappropriately. But, I have decided that I'm not going to contact him anymore, until he contacts me. I have done enough attempts yesterday and I'm really not a man chaser.

 

Any advice please? Sorry for the long post but that's a shorter version of the story for me.

[All Star]

You have to practice braking in when someone is talking. I have a girl here at work that won't stop talking. And we use this technique on her.

 

P.S. Keep your opinion about how he relates to his kids to yourself. Don't share it with him. You will seem like on of those women who date men with children and try to compete with the children for time and in general. If he is any kind of father, there is no competetion. You can't win and that it. You should not try to win.

 

 

He might even be monopolizing the convo with stuff about his kids deliberatly because he's heard your opinion of them. I've even done that. This guy kept complaining about my kid and so that's all I ever talked about and was too busy to see him b/c of the kid. I kept that up until he got the message and stopped calling me.

[Jersey Shortie]

Wow, there are a lot of smaller issues that I think are leading to your frustration then just not being able to talk about the frustrations of your day.

 

He is probably just as stressed as you are. I don't know if he sounds that selfish or just rather obtuse. I think you need to sit down with him face to face and tell him that you want to hear about his day but you need to feel that you and your intersets are important to him too. He really should know the name of your child. That's a little weird. It he is really going to mess up his kids if he is picking favorites. That's not cool at all. But there isn't much you can do about that then bring it to his attention. Does he have siblings? You should ask him how he would have felt had his own father picked favorites between him and his siblings. Perhaps his father had and that's why he acts that way.

 

As far as him not calling you back right away, I think you were acting a little too needy at this point. Sometimes our days are busy and sometimes, life takes priority over love. That doesn't mean you aren't important to him. But love is a luxary. Sometimes taking the car to the DMV, food shopping and paying the bills take prescendent over romantic dinners for two. If I didn't call my bf (if I had one right now) back after three hours and he sent me a somewhat nasty email, plus the added stress of children, I wouldn't feel like replying to you all that much either.

 

It sounds like there are alot of little issues going on and the only way that you are going to confront them is if you talk to him and how you feel about it. Don't do it in a mushy way, don't do it in a whiney way. Both will turn him off and he won't listen. Just be straight up, direct and sensitive and tell him what you need from him.

[LoveJonesRomance]

He really should know the name of your child. That's a little weird. It he is really going to mess up his kids if he is picking favorites. That's not cool at all. But there isn't much you can do about that then bring it to his attention. Does he have siblings? You should ask him how he would have felt had his own father picked favorites between him and his siblings. Perhaps his father had and that's why he acts that way.

P.S. Keep your opinion about how he relates to his kids to yourself. Don't share it with him. You will seem like on of those women who date men with children and try to compete with the children for time and in general. If he is any kind of father, there is no competetion. You can't win and that it. You should not try to win.

 

I don't really want to make this a BIG topic, but it's bothering me the way he's giving in to his favourite child and simply ignoring the other, just because he's mama's boy, and my BF and his ex are not on good terms at all. The only few times he spends with his other child (mama's boy), the whinny one throw tantrums and bitterly complains about it, to which he gives in.

 

Now, we have been having talks about moving in together at some point, and even marriage and now I feel very uncomfortable bringing my child into this whole mix. The whinny boy may present danger to my child, that I'm sure. He seems to get so insecure when his father gets close with someone other than himself.

 

But to solve my current situation, my questions are: should I just keep quiet until he contacts me considering much efforts I put yesterday? Do you feel I overreacted by hanging up on him last night?

[LoveJonesRomance]

Can anybody help me please? I'm really desperate for your opinions right now.

[Lucky_One]

I think that people tend to show their best sides at the beginnings of relationships and we also tend to be all starry-eyed and semi-blind, too, and after 4 months, he could be letting his "real" self out a bit and your rose colored Gucci's are slipping off, too.

 

Dating a lot longer before moving in would seem prudent for ANY couple, especially if you are blending children. My son is the light of my heart, and I don't think I could contemplate living with someone who doesn't know his name, interact with him on a nearly daily basis or seem to have the same ideas on parenting that I have.

 

I would certainly talk to him about his feelings and lack of interest in your life and in your child; it could just be that you have different beliefs about life and living. Dating tends to give a lot of time to spend one-on-one, and living together with a child hanging around takes away a lot of planned intimate time, and that can cause a lot of arguments and resentment.

 

I hope your talk goes well!

[All Star]

 

1. I don't really want to make this a BIG topic, but it's bothering me the way he's giving in to his favourite child and simply ignoring the other, just because he's mama's boy,

 

2.The only few times he spends with his other child (mama's boy), the whinny one throw tantrums and bitterly complains about it, to which he gives in.

 

3. The whinny boy may present danger to my child, that I'm sure. He seems to get so insecure when his father gets close with someone other than himself.

 

 

Count the negative comments you've made about this kid. He BF is the one who should be worried about you. And are the sure the other child that you say is being ignored isn't really YOU?

[LoveJonesRomance]

 

1. I don't really want to make this a BIG topic, but it's bothering me the way he's giving in to his favourite child and simply ignoring the other, just because he's mama's boy,

 

2.The only few times he spends with his other child (mama's boy), the whinny one throw tantrums and bitterly complains about it, to which he gives in.

 

3. The whinny boy may present danger to my child, that I'm sure. He seems to get so insecure when his father gets close with someone other than himself.

 

 

Count the negative comments you've made about this kid. He BF is the one who should be worried about you. And are the sure the other child that you say is being ignored isn't really YOU?

 

I just wanted to differentiate the two kids; mamma's boy is actually the one who doesn't get enough attention from him and whinny boy is dad's favourite.

 

I didn't mean to come off negative at all, and I apologize if that's how it sounded.

 

Lucky One, thank you for your very useful comments.

[All Star]

He may not know your kids name, but look at all of the names you know for his kid.

 

P.S. He knows your kids name. For some reason, he wants you to believe that he does not. He is probably sick of you attacking his kid.

[LoveJonesRomance]

P.S. He knows your kids name. For some reason, he wants you to believe that he does not. He is probably sick of you attacking his kid.

 

I wonder how is that possible. Actually yesterday was the first time I have offered any opinion as far as the way he's treating his kids. I have always been on the listening side. Is it that bad telling someone how important it is to balance his time between two kids really? If he cannot do that to his own kids, can he handle a third one who is not even his own?

[All Star]

I wonder how is that possible. Actually yesterday was the first time I have offered any opinion as far as the way he's treating his kids. I have always been on the listening side. Is it that bad telling someone how important it is to balance his time between two kids really? If he cannot do that to his own kids, can he handle a third one who is not even his own?

 

 

And that's the catcher. We think that we can hide out feelings. You have so much negative to say about this kid, I know there is no way you can be smiling at the little fella. The father can pick up on it and the child can very easily pick up on it. You don't have to say a word. It may be unspoken, but it's unmistakable.

 

He should know what his kids need. The one you say is dangerous may have some problems and therfore get more of his attention. maybe, ther is a reason the kid feels insecure i.e. dad leaving the home or divorce or whatever. You don't really care about that other kid. It's you that you care about. You want him to pay attention to you.

[LoveJonesRomance]

All Star, thanks for your opinion but I think you're reading way too much into this. It may suprise you, but I happen to sincerely and genuinely care about the other kid. He's very quiet and hardly ever expresses himself, which could mean that he keeps a lot of emotions to himself. Not very good for a child. The other child also bullies this one a lot.

 

My biggest concern at the moment is not these kids, but rather the way I conducted myself yesterday/last night. Was I right or wrong to hang up on him? Do you also view his behaviour as a little self-centered?

[All Star]

All Star, thanks for your opinion but I think you're reading way too much into this. It may suprise you, but I happen to sincerely and genuinely care about the other kid. He's very quiet and hardly ever expresses himself, which could mean that he keeps a lot of emotions to himself. Not very good for a child. The other child also bullies this one a lot.

 

My biggest concern at the moment is not these kids, but rather the way I conducted myself yesterday/last night. Was I right or wrong to hang up on him? Do you also view his behaviour as a little self-centered?

 

 

No, I don't think its self centered. You should have hung up, called right back and talked about what you called to talk about. Then, he would have been on notice that you know no one seems to get to talk but him. If he is not already on notice.

 

Next time say, "Excuse me, let me tell you about this day I had."

[Mahatma]

Sounds to me like you should just work on your communication skills.

 

About the kids part, it seems to me like you have feelings of jealousy towards them and the time they get with your man. Maybe you do not really feel this way, but the way you stated your original post, you conveyed a little bit of that. Because of that, I agree with Allstar and you should keep that to yourself, because he may think similarly to me.

[LoveJonesRomance]

You should have hung up, called right back and talked about what you called to talk about.

 

After he yawned and told me he wants to go to sleep? Clearly he was dismissing me and I won't take that lightly. Afterall, I always have been very supportive of him during his 'down' moments and frankly I deserve the same. He calls me when I'm already ASLEEP, and still I talk with him for 2 HOURS, having to hear him whine about everything, from his ex, kids, friends etc, and he only gave me 15 minutes yesterday??

[Sinner86]

In a more committed relationship, when living together, it would make more sense for you to comment on his kid/kid(s) but you aren't at any right currently to make suggestions about his parenting especially since there may be underlying issues with the kids. Like Allstar says there might be issues with the way the divorce affects his kids.

 

He is definitely under stress and you should feel positive that he finds it easy to express that much to you -- men aren't good at being expressive so if you find him relating to you and making examples don't be offended.

 

Oh, and push your way into the conversations, it's important to be heard too. You deserve listening ears also.

[All Star]

After he yawned and told me he wants to go to sleep? Clearly he was dismissing me and I won't take that lightly. Afterall, I always have been very supportive of him during his 'down' moments and frankly I deserve the same. He calls me when I'm already ASLEEP, and still I talk with him for 2 HOURS, having to hear him whine about everything, from his ex, kids, friends etc, and he only gave me 15 minutes yesterday??

 

 

 

Next time he start talking, tell him you need to call him right back and don't.

 

He only gave me 15 minutes yesterday?? No, you only took 15 minutes yesterday. Take 2 hours like he does.

[lexi29]

Your boyfriend does sound very self centered. After dating for four months there is NO excuse for him not to know the name of your child!! I know the names of people's kids that I have met only once or twice. I used to have a friend who was very much like your boyfriend. I loved her because she was my friend so I "put up" with her endless sagas about broken relationships, bad days at work etc. She would always call me and the conversation would go like this: her- "how have you been?" Me- talking for about a minute about what is new before being interupted by her wanting to tell me all her problems. Once, a guy stood her up for a date and she was freaking out and called me (and him aparently) about 25 times in 2 hours ( I was in the middle of studying for a college final and apparently that wasn't as important and as her angst about this guy she barely knew standing her up.)

 

I think your boyfriend is using you as a sounding board and really isn't letting you have the same benefit. I dont' agree with hanging up on him (but it must not have bothered him or he would have called you back)but I can tell this resentment has probably been building for awhile. I think you need to talk to him about his selfish behavior (don't use the term selfish but just explain that you would like him to listen more) because he may not be aware of it.

[Walk]

I think I understand what you're saying about the "favorite" child and how you spoke about him. You do sound a bit peeved that your bf doesn't seem to be handling it the way you believe it should be handled. That points to a difference in beliefs and view points on raising children. Which is something you should see as a red flag.

 

I'm just going to throw this out there as a possibility, but potentially your bf doesn't understand that you need him to listen to you. A lot of men (IME) don't come pre-programmed with that... It might be something you need to discuss with your bf.

 

However, I've found that men who don't realize their partner just wants to vent, or wants him to listen, are the ones who butt in and attempt to immediately fix whatever problem the woman stated she was having. They don't normally ignore it, or shift the convo back to themselves in the first 2 minutes. Which makes me believe that your bf is simply being self centered.

 

Personally, I think hanging up without saying the "I love you's" was extremely mild. I doubt it made much of an impact on him. It might have if he'd been concerned about your emotional/mental state. Then he might've been tuned in enough to actually realize that your hanging up was abrupt. But sounds to me like he's so focused on his own issues and problems that he doesn't really notice yours.

 

My suggestion.. talk to him. Explain what you see (calmly), explain how you interpret it, and then ask him how he feels about it. The worst that could happen is he breaks up with you (highly unlikely), the best would be that you two come to a comprimise on how to interact with each other to make each of you feel loved and special. Maybe he could set aside 15 minutes each day to just listen to you? Or you could ask him to make more of an effort to ask you questions about the things in your life that are important to you? At least try one time for diplomacy... if that fails, then bring out the ass kicking.