shayna Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 15 months after the breakup (9-year relationship) you would think I could take him possibly being with someone else. But no, I can't. I try to think of the bad things that happened when we were together and how I don't have to stress about his lack of emotions that I so disliked but no, I still can't handle him being with someone else. Especially someone who I know (she is a friend's friend) and will have to see every so often. I wonder what they are doing, why he is attracted to her and no longer to me, and whether they will end up getting married (after all, in the early 30's, it is common to be with someone for a long time then when that relationship breaks up, the next one is "the one"). All my friends are now married or engaged. I was supposed to be there with him. I hate myself for not being able to focus on my own life and med school. I have even hit a new low and driven past his place wondering if he's home (my old beloved home btw) then driving by her place way across town to see if she's home- just so I know they are not together. Its not a sure thing yet but I know he's trying. I simply hate myself for being so out of control. I hate myself for caring what he does. I hate myself for still loving him for no valid reason anymore.
MrEELB Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I know how your feeling. My ex got with a new fella 1 month, 1 MONTH after out 11 year relationship failed. It was heart wrenching to be honest as whilst through 11 years the ex fought for me as i had numerous times as i wanted to up and leave, she never allowed me to fight for her. However what you are doing by far is not helping to greive or move on. It will eat away at you and put you in a very very bad place emotionally. Whilst I write this i am not in a great state of affairs my self but I am having more and more good days. Whilst I have never rated my own looks I know have a mobile phone contact list full of girls numbers. I regulary go out and enjoy quality time with friends. I so so want to be part of a magic relationship again (and me and the ex lost that years ago to be honest) But I do know if I walk the path of life expecting to be in a relationship its not going to happen. It will happen when I least expect it. A breathe of fresh air here. Some times it takes some one completely unique to make you stand back and think "Hell, things are not so bad" I been in contact with loads of female friends I knew before me and the ex were serious but as such I felt they were in the past and keeping me there, any way I spoke with a girl I had never spoke to in my life last night. She was on my level 100% and you know what by 1am this morning I looked back thought hell I hadnt thought of my ex since 6pm that night. :-) Chin up
Author shayna Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 I do like to hear that there are others who are going through something so similar. So thank you it helps- but I feel evil that it's your similar misery that helps. Sigh. But honestly, I don't know how you can even breathe after what she has done. I'm am in awe of your incredible strength to keep on going.... What happened to put the final nail in the coffin of your relationship? I wish I had a bunch of guys' numbers to call. I used to well before the current ex and I got together- in fact most of my friends were guys back then. But sadly, there is no one to call and no one even on the "horizon". 33 is a tough age to start over it would seem. Not that I'm ready to move on, but at least it would take my mind off the ex just to have a "crush" for once.
Billie63 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Shayna, I find it rather worrying that after 15 months you are still so obsessed. Yes, 9 years in a relationship is a long time and I wouldn't expect you to be totally over it by now. But I am saddened that you don't appear to have moved on whatsover. The two of you split for a reason, it wasn't working - that's the long and short of it. Hard to start again at 33? I'm 45 and split up less than 4 months ago and I'm in a healthier place than you. Why? Because I CHOSE to be. You have chosen to live in the past - and that way leads heartache. When are you going to say enough is enough?
Meaplus3 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 15 months after the breakup (9-year relationship) you would think I could take him possibly being with someone else. But no, I can't. I try to think of the bad things that happened when we were together and how I don't have to stress about his lack of emotions that I so disliked but no, I still can't handle him being with someone else. Especially someone who I know (she is a friend's friend) and will have to see every so often. I wonder what they are doing, why he is attracted to her and no longer to me, and whether they will end up getting married (after all, in the early 30's, it is common to be with someone for a long time then when that relationship breaks up, the next one is "the one"). All my friends are now married or engaged. I was supposed to be there with him. I hate myself for not being able to focus on my own life and med school. I have even hit a new low and driven past his place wondering if he's home (my old beloved home btw) then driving by her place way across town to see if she's home- just so I know they are not together. Its not a sure thing yet but I know he's trying. I simply hate myself for being so out of control. I hate myself for caring what he does. I hate myself for still loving him for no valid reason anymore. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone heals at their own rate. 9 years is a long time to have spent with someone. You probably just need more time to move past things. Now, you really should get yourself back out there and mingle a bit. No sense in sitting around making yourself upset. Med School should keep you plenty busy..so do try your best to focus on that. You will be ok.. it just takes time. Best wishes. AP:)
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I simply hate myself for being so out of control. I hate myself for caring what he does. I hate myself for still loving him for no valid reason Shayna, what that is telling me is that you are an extremely loving, caring and loyal person. So, perhaps it is just that the need to express your loving and caring nature is somewhat "out of control" right now? Maybe not even "out of control" as much as misdirected? I wonder if you had considered 'redirecting' your positive energy and emotions to more uplifting people and worthwhile endeavours ... starting with you, of course. Can you find your way clear to putting more focus and attention on caring about what YOU do, and on loving yourself (even in the moments where you may not be seeing a "valid reason")? Then extending that out to family, friends...and even kind strangers . That is, people who have demonstrated that they know how to accept and appreciate the love, care and loyalty that only you have to offer. (((hugs))) Sending sunshine and brighter days ahead.
Milkflavor123 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I wouldnt so much say Something is wrong with you. If you don't mind me asking, why did you guys break up? many people will spend years trying to get over their first love. I bet many people have driven by their ex's house. I know I have- and still do even with me being in another relationship. have you dated anyone else since the two of you have split. Do you and your ex communicate at all? A lot of this has to do with reasons why your still thinking of him.
quankanne Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 shayna, for the longest time when I still lived in South Texas, I would drive by The One's house and read the local paper for his obituary – because if it didn't run, that mean he was safe. I think when you have that intense of feelings for someone (no matter HOW long you were with them), it takes while to get over that person. I was married a long, long time before I realized my residual feelings for The One was mostly me hanging onto a rose-colored memory I had of him, and that my husband *duh* was really where I was meant to be. And once I realized that, I knew I'd truly been over The One for a long time, it was just my misguided ideals that kept me hanging on. so for now, let yourself grieve the end of the relationship and don't worry about how long it will "take" to completely be over him. Meanwhile, don't pass up dates with good decent men, either, because you just never know which one it is, the guy you're *meant* to be with. hugs, quank
orangehose Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I understand your frustration, shayna. One part of the brain wants to let go and forget, while the other part of the brain keeps holding on, and it's frustrating when you feel your healing process is taking too long. I also understand the 'last single' alive feeling. Only one of my friends is not in a relationship right now, which can be a bit isolating. What steps have you been taking to find new prospects? Dated casually, or even had short relationships, since your big breakup? That may help with the healing...
orangehose Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Why? Because I CHOSE to be. You have chosen to live in the past - and that way leads heartache. When are you going to say enough is enough? I'm currently of the mind set that there IS no choice in when you get over someone. Rationally, I've wanted to let go since day one, but making the internal 'choice' hasn't helped rid my mind of the ex.
D-Lish Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 15 months isn't unreasonable to still be grieving after 9 YEARS. That's a really, really long time to be with someone. I was with someone for almost the same time, even married him. I'd say it took me a good 3 years to heal. That's not to say I was in pain and turmoil for 3 years... And I got over "him" as a person after about a year and a half. But it's not just about losing a love. It's about getting back on your feet and finding out who you are as an individual outside of a romantic enmeshment. In order to move forward, you need a motivation. Something- anything that puts a small spark back into your life. I am sure you have made progress that you are just refusing to see. probably some small steps that go unnoticed because you aren't recognizing them. Dating other people did help the process along. So did throwing myself into new ventures and making a change of location. I don't think it's unusual to still love someone you spent 9 years with. It's only been just over a year since the split. The best advice I can offer is to stop checking up on them. What you don't know- won't hurt as much. By checking up on him, you're inviting the cycle of pain to continue. Ceasing all contact and avoiding any situation you may run into them will slowly remove his importance from the front of your mind. You're still making the break up a priority in your life, you have to make yourself a priority now. No more drive-bys...that's a good place to start.
0hpenelope Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Why? Because I CHOSE to be. You have chosen to live in the past - and that way leads heartache. When are you going to say enough is enough? If things were really this simple, I honestly believe there would be no LS. Though I can say that there are a lot of users on the boards who wish that they could think of their situations as pragmatically as you have and are able. You are fortunate. With time and experience came wisdom and I respect that.
0hpenelope Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Why? Because I CHOSE to be. You have chosen to live in the past - and that way leads heartache. When are you going to say enough is enough? If things were really this simple, I honestly believe there would be no LS. Though I can say that there are a lot of users on the boards who wish that they could think of their situations as pragmatically as you have and are able. You are fortunate. With time and experience came wisdom and I respect that.
BoerumHill Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Shayna, I find it rather worrying that after 15 months you are still so obsessed. Yes, 9 years in a relationship is a long time and I wouldn't expect you to be totally over it by now. But I am saddened that you don't appear to have moved on whatsover. The two of you split for a reason, it wasn't working - that's the long and short of it. Hard to start again at 33? I'm 45 and split up less than 4 months ago and I'm in a healthier place than you. Congrats, and good on you Billie. shayna There is no timetable. There is no right or wrong answer. Fast or slow is irrelevant, we all cope and heal at different speeds. I was where you are at now after 28 months. I know the I hate myself for doing that feeling, but trust me, it is part of the process. You need to break that cycle. Every time you feel like doing a driveby or cyber stalking their Facebook page or a similar negative action, replace it with something constructive. Get on your exercise ball and do 90 reps. Write a long post here. Force yourself to study. Anything that will make you feel good about yourself. Each time you do that driveby or let your mind dwell on what might have been what could have been what should have been, you're taking a baby step backwards. Keep moving forward. Don't hang onto to something that only prevents you from becoming all you were meant to be. It's hard to let go but you have to. Believe in yourself and believe you will get to that place where you are free of his memory. You will get there - one day at a time. Keep moving forward.
Billie63 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I must say that I probably didin't elaborate. Looking back on Shayna's posts it was clear that Shayna has not moved on because she and her ex continued to sleep together and because they shared mutual friends who were keeping Shayna updated about what he was up to, therefore Shayna has not allowed herself distance from him. As I said before I dont expect her to be totally over it after 15 months, just that she should have a bit more peace of mind than she does today. Don't want any of you to think I'm being smug in my situation - I'm not over it yet and I have my moments of loneliness and missing him but minimum contact with him has helped me think more coolly. The biggest help in me thinking like that was coming on here and reading what posters were saying about coping - the NC thing was a revelation to me. As well as facing up to the fact that he had moved on and it was time for me to start moving in that direction.
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