Desperado Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 I've been after this girl for a year. On the 31st of March this year, it's sort of like the anniversary of liking her for one whole year. She has rejected me a couple of times and can only see me as a friend. She also said that she has no feelings....but looking back, I realise that I ain't that good at love. I've never actually done anything special for her and when I'm out with her on the 31st, I'm gonna roll the dice one more time. I've ordered 12 stalks of roses, each symbolising one month of my liking of her. Also, I've brought her something that she mentioned that she wanna get. That would surprise her I guess. I'm so lost in love with her. Do you think that I'll touch her heart this time round? Pls reply fast....... thanks
Nicky Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 I've been after this girl for a year. On the 31st of March this year, it's sort of like the anniversary of liking her for one whole year. She has rejected me a couple of times and can only see me as a friend. She also said that she has no feelings....but looking back, I realise that I ain't that good at love. I've never actually done anything special for her and when I'm out with her on the 31st, I'm gonna roll the dice one more time. I've ordered 12 stalks of roses, each symbolising one month of my liking of her. Also, I've brought her something that she mentioned that she wanna get. That would surprise her I guess. I'm so lost in love with her. Do you think that I'll touch her heart this time round? Pls reply fast....... thanks Hiya You say you're not good at love. Some people can charm others initially, and maybe charm themselves into getting a first date with somebody, where others couldn't. It's called gift of the gab. However, at the end of the day whether a relationship is going to happen or not is based upon whether somebody is interested in YOU as a person, or not. It sounds as though this girl knows you relatively well: you have been pursuing her for a year, and you say you are friends. Unfortunately she says she is not interested. She has said so on several occasions, and that her feelings for you are those of a friend, suggesting she knows you well enough to make a decision. You could do what you plan, although be aware, she may begin to feel you are hassling her (if she doesn't already).She may also begin to feel, that you don't respect what she says. You could well risk losing her friendship if this is the case. So, if that's a risk you want to take- then give her the roses. I wish you luck, but at the end of the day you have to face the fact that we cannot change or control the way people feel about us, and all the love in the world will not change that. For her, a relationship with you simply wouldn't work, which ultimately means it wouldn't for you either. I think you should try and move on, and find the girl who will appreciate your deep feelings and reciprocate. You deserve that. All the best
Tony T Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 She has told you SHE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS. Literally translated, that means SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU ROMANTCALLY!!! Forget the dice. You're not going to roll snake eyes here. Cancel the order of roses and give her one rose. If she has no interest in you outside of friendship, it may be somewhat of a turn-off for her when you celebrate one-year of knowing her. With a friend, the best thing to do is just make a remark about the date and say what a nice friendship it has been. If the "special" gift that you got for her is personal, take it back. She would readily accept a personal gift from you if she knew you DID NOT have romantic feelings for her or if she had romantic feelings for you. But under the circumstances, unless she is a manipulating user, accepting such a gift will make her uncomfortable at best and perhaps angry that you don't understand English. She will also be concerned about giving you hope, misleading you, or sending you a message she doesn't want you to receive. I think a small birthday gift is appropriate for a friend but any kind of gift celebrating the anniversary of just knowing them is, well, OK....but really not done often. Now, you have two choices. You can be around her and absolutely TORTURE yourself because you are in love with her and she can't return it and become devasted when she does find a love interest...or you can be very kind and gentle with yourself, wish her the best, call to say hello once in a while and MOVE ON. You will write me back and ask, "Well, do I have any chance at all?" Yes. But there is no bigger turn-off for a woman who is not interested in a guy romantically than to have him slobbering in her shadows, buying her a field of roses, giving her special gifts, etc. Any chance she could ever become interested in you are diminished by your efforts. If you want to arouse any morsel of interest she MAY have in you, drop off the planet, call her infrequently, don't give her anything, when she calls you tell her you are have a date and you can only talk a minute or two, and really start seeing other people. Visit her only on rare occasions. If all that doesn't spark some interest on her part, you know this is a complete NO GO. Women who are not interested in a man are generally repulsed by their continued efforts at winning their heart...and not respecting their wishes. They may actually grow to feel very sorry for them and avoid them like the plague. Many women don't quite know how to handle this but it makes them very uncomfortable and they eventually see the guy as a real annoyance. My opinion is that since this girl has rejected you twice and has told you she just wants to be friends, you are very close to being a real pain in the butt. If you are so fond of her, don't put her through that. Try to understand how cruel you are being to her. If she is decent, she doesn't want to see this happening to you. About ten percent of the posts on this forum are from guys who are going after gals who have told them they just want to be friends. I have yet to read about a girl going after a guy who just wants to be friends. That tells me the ladies are either in on a secret of romance we aren't in on or they are so very much smarter than men. I think both. If you are lost in love as you say, you better find yourself fast because she has the map to her heart and she's not giving it to you.
Desperado Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 Tony, how come you are so sure? Everything we do in this world is bounded by the laws of the Universe......everything but love... Why do married couples divorce after swearing before the Lord to love each other till death do they part? Why do couples end up being happy together when they hated each other in Junior school, but bump into one another in the streets 10 years down the road and end up not having just a cuppa coffee, but a lifetime of coffee? Why do married men have affairs outside when their wife give them great love and sex? Why do people say it's true love but it's gone tommorow? If true love can go bad....... bad love can come true We make the bed we lie in, we fight the war we waged..we walk the roads we choose... If Martin Luther King can pursuade the Whites to change their sterotype of the blacks......my love can move mountains... Here today, gone tomorrow.....
Nicky Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 Tony, how come you are so sure? Everything we do in this world is bounded by the laws of the Universe......everything but love... Why do married couples divorce after swearing before the Lord to love each other till death do they part? Why do couples end up being happy together when they hated each other in Junior school, but bump into one another in the streets 10 years down the road and end up not having just a cuppa coffee, but a lifetime of coffee? Why do married men have affairs outside when their wife give them great love and sex? Why do people say it's true love but it's gone tommorow? If true love can go bad....... bad love can come true We make the bed we lie in, we fight the war we waged..we walk the roads we choose... If Martin Luther King can pursuade the Whites to change their sterotype of the blacks......my love can move mountains... Here today, gone tomorrow..... I'm not Tony, but I have an opinion on the above (As I'm quite sure Tony will) and hope neither of you mind me expressing it. I don't want to steal his thunder! We fall in love with people who have/do/will satisfy deep concious & unrealized needs we have. We fall out of love, when those needs are no longer met. That is why people grow to hate/cheat/divorce partners etc because their needs are no longer met. People that fall out of love quickly tend to be the young and emotionally immature, who are prone to change quickly. MLK changed the minds of people with whom racism was not a deep-rooted emotion. Society now believes that racism is wrong, and so many people changed their minds. But it still exists for many where this hatred is deep-seated. Love is an equally deep emotion, which is why you can't force people to love, and why she will not fall in love with you. She has said so!!!! I COMPLETELY agree with everything Tony said. Trust me as a woman, she isn't interested. She will begin to be repulsed by you if you persist too much, and may grow to despise you. Women like men whom they can respect, not people who fawn over them and act like desperados! Don't get your hopes up. Give her the roses if you want. Then get on with your life.
Tony T Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 Well, you have a point. I was absolutely sure I would win the $80 million in the Florida jackpot last night and I didn't. The odds were a meager one chance in 21,000,000 of winning. I can keep on buying lottery tickets and you can keep on hoping this gal will change her mind. But the odds are against it. You asked for advice but you only want to hear what you want to hear. I would love to tell you that at 3:38p.m. on April 17, 2000 this girl will call you and ask you to marry her. But my ethics dictate I must tell you what I feel. If I stare at a Volkswagen long enough, it will not turn into a Cadillac. But if you think you have enough lifetimes, wait around for this chick. It's your life!!! I stand solidly behind the advice Nicky has presented on the subject. Your situation makes me grieve because I have been where you are and I know how it feels. If there was some magic dust I could spread over your plight and make you instantly happy, believe me...I would in an instant.
Tony T Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 You made a good point here. We fall in love for certain reasons and when those needs are no longer met, it's on thin ice. It's a pretty scary thought. People change. People's interests change. People's friends change. People's ideas and views change as they mature. People learn more, get more intelligent. People are exposed to more ideas from movies, media, experience, etc. Therefore, people's NEEDS change. What are your ideas on how to sustain a relationship forever...or is that just a stupid romantic and unrealistic goal. When you fall in love, you just want it to last forever. But the truth of the matter is, it can end just as fast as it started. If people really gave this a whole lot of thought, there would me a lot less people falling in love. Is there a way of pulling it off to reduce the risk...or is it always a risk. Would appreciate your comments...and those of anyone else with some ideas.
Desperado Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 Hi Tony, You are right, I only hear what I wanna hear when I'm asking for advice....but you know what? I'm so in love now....so much in love that I'd do anything, I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd lie, just to have her in my arms. I'm sorry...sorry for her, sorry that I cannot take ur advice, sorry for myself...... You dun noe how I'm feeling right now......now when I need her so bad....... thankz anyway...... If I've anyway good news....I'd post them...otherwise Tony, Nicky....you'd know how the story goes.....
Tony T Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 I just wish there was some way I could get you to understand how sickened to their stomachs most women get when they know someone they don't care for romantically is in love with them to the extent you are. Unless you get ahold of yourself, this girl won't even be able to stand the sight of you. I would have given the world if someone would have hit me up side of the head when I was younger and in the same situation you are. I stuck around with hope just like you are doing and not only did I get the shaft but it collapsed on me. Yes, do give us a report and take good care of yourself. Eat well and don't lose too much weight.
Sula Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 Tony, I'm actually doing undergraduate research on the psychology of intimate relationships focusing on marriage. My reply to your prompt is this: Over 63% of marriages end in divorce or separation. Of the couples that go into marriage counseling for problems, most get divorced or separated anyway, and the rest usually suffer from the same problems a few months after their therapy sessions end. Why is this? Why do people fall in love and then out of love? Statistically, when researchers have followed couples married for long periods of time, their index of happiness and satisfaction declines. Bar none. The secret to maintaining a relationship is communication. i know, it's something said over and over again. But Most couples who think they communicate actually don't. In fact, about 70-75% of relationships don't have active communication. This involves talking about your feelings, how you think they feel, dreams, hopes, the past, the future, everything. Most couples, after about two years, begin restricting their conversations to mutual acquaintences, family, work, and bills. What keeps these couples together is a mutual goal. That's why many divorce after their children are old enough to not require intense care (between 7-12 yrs.). This is also why many couples have children seeking to save their marriage. When adequate communication is acheived, we prevent what happens when there is no communication: separation. Think of your closest friend. If you talk to him or her often, you maintain similar interests. If you stopped talking to him or her for a few months, those common interests would dwindle and eventually separate altogether. The goal is this: to insure that the relationship grows and changes with your changing needs as you age. As a young person, passion is the be-all-end-all. As an eldery couple, you seek companionship and affection. To have a good relationship that lasts, you need commitment, loyalty, honesty, communication, equality, passion. Ego often gets in the way when we communicate, so a lower level of self-centerdness is also good. That's why American romantic relationships usually end...we have a higher index of egocentrism than most every other culture!
Bobbie Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 Tony, How come everytime when someone gets their heart broken that they can't eat for a while(days even weeks)??? I have been there and so has everyone else i know that has been through that say they couldn't eat for a while also. I just wish there was some way I could get you to understand how sickened to their stomachs most women get when they know someone they don't care for romantically is in love with them to the extent you are. Unless you get ahold of yourself, this girl won't even be able to stand the sight of you. I would have given the world if someone would have hit me up side of the head when I was younger and in the same situation you are. I stuck around with hope just like you are doing and not only did I get the shaft but it collapsed on me. Yes, do give us a report and take good care of yourself. Eat well and don't lose too much weight.
Tony T Posted March 30, 2000 Posted March 30, 2000 Most people react to love-related depression by not eating. I think the rejected's mind is so focused on the problem, food is way down on the list. For a period of a few days, even a person who is not suicidal may feel things would be better is he/she wasn't around so survival takes a back seat. During this period of depression, heartbreak and sometimes shock, the brain is so busy processing other information, it really doesn't have the chemical resources to tell us to eat. Someone needs to force us to get nourishment. As for me, the only time I seem to be able to lose weight is when I'm heartbroken so, while very hurtful, it works as good as Slimfast.
Nicky Posted March 31, 2000 Posted March 31, 2000 You made a good point here. We fall in love for certain reasons and when those needs are no longer met, it's on thin ice. It's a pretty scary thought. People change. People's interests change. People's friends change. People's ideas and views change as they mature. People learn more, get more intelligent. People are exposed to more ideas from movies, media, experience, etc. Therefore, people's NEEDS change. What are your ideas on how to sustain a relationship forever...or is that just a stupid romantic and unrealistic goal. When you fall in love, you just want it to last forever. But the truth of the matter is, it can end just as fast as it started. If people really gave this a whole lot of thought, there would me a lot less people falling in love. Is there a way of pulling it off to reduce the risk...or is it always a risk. Would appreciate your comments...and those of anyone else with some ideas. Hiya Tony The ideal is of course "forever". And I think that can happen: a combination where people don't grow in different directions too much and work at the relationship. There are no guarantees in life that people won't change, and I think it's practical to try and accept that: sometimes people just drift apart. It's sad, but no amount of work will reconcile the differences. And personally, I don't think it's a good idea to marry until you're in your late 20's. By then most people have a better idea of who they are and what they want, and have drifted away from the self-centred person we all were as teenagers! People tend to be much more mature then, and hopefully more likely to engage in honest open discussion and responsible behaviour. Hopefully anyway! The needs we have in relationships I think are pretty fundamental, and I think many relationships that split, are where the needs were never met in the first place, they go on for years until one partner realizes the other will never change and moves on. For me, the essence to keeping a relationship alive is communication, communication, communication! By that, I mean not simply our dreams and aspirations, but also sharing the thoughts and feelings that go whizzing round your head, but you rarely think of saying them. The stream of consciousness. How does somebody actually feel? Nobody ever remains the same.We change from day to day, and by communicating this we truly get to know somebody, and stay "in touch" with them. Rather than wake up one day, and realize you're effectively in bed with a complete stranger! Too many couples only seem to communicate what happened at the office, and who'll take the cat to the vet, as opposed to the personal stuff. As Sula says, other ingredients have to be present too, but for me communication is very important. Nobody's a mind-reader!
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