Involved with someone who is married and i need - this is a unique situation!

[Lizzie60]

I'm curious, Lizzie...you hear it a lot...do you believe its true?

 

No.. too many guys use that excuse.. it can't be true..

They don't know that their neighbours/colleague/friends are using the same excuse.. they think they're original..

[jj33]

This may come as a surprise to you but the reason hes not leaving his wife is he lied to you. He met you online looking for some action on the side not a replacement. I doubt you are his first affair and you won't be his last. Don't believe everything he says and make him show you proof. Your story is the same as a hundred on here, man has crazy wife and meets nice girl online but he is only looking for "friendship" and it blossoms into love. Later when it gets serious he splits! Your situation maybe different but it sounds the same.

 

Actually that happened to me once when I internet dated. He was so foolish. He called me from all over the world, he texted me photos of his house, he even told me his wife's name. I googled her and yes name and profession fit. he lived a few hundred miles away so we were going to meet a few weeks later and then he broke down and confessed. he read an article in a mens mag about picking up women on the internet and thought he would try it and see if it worked. His wife is a well respected professional. No mental institution. I remember telling him that he was incredibly irresponsible giving out so much personal information about her, if he did that to the wrong person she would call his wife. We never spoke again.

[S143K]

OK...if this were set in another country (another continent), I'd have fewer questions...

 

But arranged marriages in California??? Or even Canada?

 

Sorry...hard to believe...without knowing his background, my first thought was that this was one of the first big lies he's told you.

 

Actually Owl, arranged marriages are common in the US, Canada, UK....anywhere where you find Muslims, Pakistanis and Indians. YES, even in California...in 2008.

[Owl]

No.. too many guys use that excuse.. it can't be true..

They don't know that their neighbours/colleague/friends are using the same excuse.. they think they're original..

 

Why would they lie to you like this, when they don't need to do so?

[Owl]

Actually Owl, arranged marriages are common in the US, Canada, UK....anywhere where you find Muslims, Pakistanis and Indians. YES, even in California...in 2008.

 

I'll agree that they do sometimes HAPPEN in the U.S....but they're not COMMON.

 

Even in the U.S. many of the cultures you mention often become "westernized" and this tradition often fades very quickly in the face of Western influences.

 

It may be possible that the OP's situation is indeed like this...but it may also well be possible that she's been lied to as well.

[2sunny]

the fact that you met him online while he's still married indicates a lack of character.

 

ok, his wife is sick. but a decent man (husband) doesn't sign up to start dating another gal! he intentionally placed you in a no win position - all out of selfishness for his own happiness. that - to me - is a man that is not worth pursuing.

[2sunny]

and now days have passed with the OP still not returning and showing only one post... i wonder if she'll even get this advice when we seem to be making an effort...

[Angel1111]

Several months isn't that long. And the reason he stays is because he feels responsible for her because she's basically helpless to handle her own life - not to mention the kids. If it were me, I would have a great deal of trouble walking away from that situation. I'm not sure what he'll do but if he says he's going to leave her, then I would let him work it out in his own time. This would not be an easy thing for anyone to do. The sense of obligation would be very strong. If you push him or get impatient, it will put a strain on your relationship. You need to put your total trust in him. If you can't do that, then you need to walk away. No matter what, he's going to experience a LOT of guilt about this.

[rubeegrl75]

hi everyone, sorry it took so long to respond.

 

thanks for ALL of the input here...and let me clear up a couple of things.

 

He is NOT lying about his wife's condition...we have mutual friends who have confirmed this.

 

His marriage was arranged only in the sense that the 2 families "set them up" and they liked eachother. It was not forced, however, they were in their early 20's when they met and only knew eachother a few weeks when they married. Her symptoms started showing later.

 

The goal is to have her parents move to california to become her caretakers. I am trying to be patient.

 

I don't think he is a jerk using me for sex or anything, but to a degree he is using me as an "escape". I do believe we love eachother, however, and he is a decent man, even though any married man appears indecent when he looks outside his own marriage.

 

And yes, if he and I ended up together, i love kids and would be honored to help raise them in a loving, stable household.

[rubeegrl75]

I re-read my first submission and forgot to add some KEY things.

 

N's family will support whatever decision he makes. They will definitely support his divorce wishes, as they have seen for themselves the craziness of her bipolar condition. I believe she is on prozac and olanzapine, which causes her to be very lethargic and apparently she has put on a ton of weight.

 

The only "attitude" he seems to be getting is from her family, who are up in canada as i said. The wife came from afghanistan with nothing but the clothes on her back, and N. has been her sole financial support during the marriage. I think that is why he feels responsible.

 

Also, one thing i forgot to mention. We met on the internet...and for 18 months we did not meet. We talked DAY and NIGHT for 18 months and there was no pressure for sex or anything from him. We talked about ourselves, our dreams, our wants, we read poetry to eachother, we became best friends. But i refused to meet a married man! Yes, he did wear me down. We exchanged pictures and had a webcam, but only recently did we meet in person. And yes, things did get physical.

[Angel1111]

I don't think he's using you and that you have a genuine love. I'm sure he's so happy to have found that after this marriage. I'm sure everything will work out fine. It'll just take a little patience on your part and trusting him completely.