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Involved with someone who is married and i need - this is a unique situation!

rubeegrl75

By rubeegrl75
in The Other Man / Woman

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rubeegrl75 Member

rubeegrl75

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Hi everyone...

 

I am really hoping to get some good, mature advice. I am 33 years old and have never been married, and i live in southern california. I am educated and have a great career. About a year and a half ago I met a guy online (thru a friend) who lives in northern california. I shall refer to him as N. We became acquaintances, then good friends, then ultimately, something more.

 

Over time, I learned that N was unhappily married to a woman who turned out to be schizophrenic. It was an arranged marriage, he has been married for 12 crazy years, most of it bad. They have 2 kids together. He said their sex life went from barely there to non existent. He was miserable. A couple of years ago she tried to hurt herself and ended up in a mental hospital for some time. After she was released she went to go live with her family in Canada while he stayed here in Cali. That was when he and I started to get involved. He and I grew very close and he relied on me heavily for emotional support. Over time we fell in love. He said he was going to divorce her, but not until she was back on her feet. He said he could not abandon the "mother of his children". He is all she has and does not want to live with her family in canada permanently and be away from her kids. I respected that and have been patient and support him, but i also worry. Why is he taking so long? He's been saying he's going to leave for several months now....but my goodness, why would a guy want to stay legally married to a mentally ill woman? She can't be a wife to him in any functional way!

 

Thanks and i look forward to everyone's input!!

Reggie Established Member

Reggie

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Kids. They may make it tough on you, too. Sickness and in health, eh? A man of true integrity.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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if i were you i would step away from the relationship until his divorce is final.

 

you are technically the OW having an affair with a MM. it is possible that he may never divorce her out of commitment and honor for his vows.

 

he must have loved something about her those years ago. he may be waiting to see if she improves or shows some resemblance of herself when she was younger.

 

allow him time and space to consider what he needs to do with a clear head and no distractions.

wildsoul Established Member

wildsoul

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You mentioned he has "an arranged marriage." Is it fair to assume then that his family is traditional and that he is expected to do what his elders tell him. Divorcing, even if he considers himself not traditional like his family, will mean that he has to go through a lot of family upset. Especially as there are children involved.

 

Sounds like you might be underestimating the task before him.

GPFan Established Member

GPFan

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He needs to focus on saving himself and his children. His wife is currently with her family and this is the time to serve her with divorce papers. Children do NOT need a mentally ill Mother in the home everyday, occasional supervised visits would be OK.

 

He is doing his children a disservice!

 

He has more serious problems than a lackluster sex life; he needs to straighten out his priorities.

GPFan Established Member

GPFan

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On the other hand, since you are separated by distance, he could well be lying to you. Usually when things don't add up, you can be sure there is a lie in there somewhere.

noforgiveness Established Member

noforgiveness

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On the other hand, since you are separated by distance, he could well be lying to you. Usually when things don't add up, you can be sure there is a lie in there somewhere.

 

 

Yep she's probably helping a sick elderly parent for a while or something.

Owl Established Member

Owl

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OK...if this were set in another country (another continent), I'd have fewer questions...

 

But arranged marriages in California??? Or even Canada?

 

Sorry...hard to believe...without knowing his background, my first thought was that this was one of the first big lies he's told you.

 

The second was that he was going to wait until she was back on her feet before he divorced. Does this sound like a woman who's EVER been on her feet? Institutionalized for mental illness, back at home now with her family...she's NEVER been capable of being on her own, and never will be. And he knows it.

 

Regardless of whatever the real marital situation is, he's not leaving her. He's not planning on it. The kids are the #1 'excuse' for cake-eating.

 

I agree with the prior posters who said that this is NOT the time to be involved with this guy. Cut your losses...don't try to 'rescue' him from something that he's not fighting that hard to save himself from.

 

Break off the relationship...tell him that you'd consider dating him when/if he shows up divorced and available.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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My question is, if he knew all along she was mentally ill and was unhappy in the marriage, why do they have 2 children? I'm sure their WHOLE marriage wasn't crazy. Also if it was an arranged marriage, why on earth would his parents choose someone who was mentally ill, suffering from schizophrenia, to be his wife?

 

What is their native background?

 

but my goodness, why would a guy want to stay legally married to a mentally ill woman? She can't be a wife to him in any functional way!

 

Because he made a committment and chances are, his family, his religion, his community would shun him if he were to divorce her. He may love her more than you think he does, so don't believe every word that is coming out of his mouth. He also loves his children and THAT is your number one reason why he won't leave. You shouldn't put him in a position where he has to choose between you and his children. He shouldn't put himself in that situation either, but obviously he has and now is the time for you to back off and let him work this out on his own.

angie2443 Established Member

angie2443

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He needs to take full custody of his kids. Can you be a good mother to these children? If not, then get the heck out!

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

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hate to break your bubble, but your situation is not unique. You got sucked in by love for a man who is legally not available. He's with her and plans to stay with her for whatever reasons, and you will remain his little bit on the side.

 

you might want to check state law about divorcing a spouse with mental conditions like hers ... it seems to me that the reason Terri Schiavo's husband "refused" to divorce her was because Florida state law wouldn't allow a spouse to abandon his/her mate if said mate was a vegetable like Terri, ecause it was morally wrong.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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He needs to take full custody of his kids. Can you be a good mother to these children? If not, then get the heck out!

True. AND, you'll ALWAYS be dealing with his ex-wife, mother of their kids. She isn't going to disappear out of her children's lives, even if you DO end up with him and be their step mom. I just hope IF that ever were to happen, you put those kids first and allow HER in their lives, as well as be a good stepmom to them.

 

Reguardless, right now you need to back off and let this man be on his own because if his family finds out he's been having an affair, all heck will break loose. (I say this because you say it was an arranged marriage.)

SmarterNow New Member

SmarterNow

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Well, he probably feels guilty, to just divorce her, just like that..with no job, no money. Even if she is mentally ill she is still a human being, and he feels responsible for her. This situation doesnt sound too promising for you..

lkjh Established Member

lkjh

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This may come as a surprise to you but the reason hes not leaving his wife is he lied to you. He met you online looking for some action on the side not a replacement. I doubt you are his first affair and you won't be his last. Don't believe everything he says and make him show you proof. Your story is the same as a hundred on here, man has crazy wife and meets nice girl online but he is only looking for "friendship" and it blossoms into love. Later when it gets serious he splits! Your situation maybe different but it sounds the same.

lonelyandfrustrated Established Member

lonelyandfrustrated

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Over time, I learned that N was unhappily married to a woman who turned out to be schizophrenic. It was an arranged marriage, he has been married for 12 crazy years, most of it bad. They have 2 kids together. He said their sex life went from barely there to non existent. He was miserable. A couple of years ago she tried to hurt herself and ended up in a mental hospital for some time. After she was released she went to go live with her family in Canada while he stayed here in Cali.

 

This sounds so much like the same story my xh told to a woman who he 'accidentally' left his cell phone with. I called the phone and she answered and was like, "What? He told me his wife was in a mental institution!" lol.

 

Maybe it's the same dood. If so, run!

DealingWDrama Established Member

DealingWDrama

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Are you 100% sure all of this info you have about his wife is true...afterall, men when chasing aren't exactly thinking with their brains...no offense.

Lookingforward Established Member

Lookingforward

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Presumably she was hospitalised for her own safety and if she has been released her condition is being managed.

 

fwiw, having a mental disorder doesn't necessarily make you a non functioning member of society.

 

Personally, I think you're being spun a tale here.

jj33 Established Member

jj33

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You mentioned he has "an arranged marriage." Is it fair to assume then that his family is traditional and that he is expected to do what his elders tell him. Divorcing, even if he considers himself not traditional like his family, will mean that he has to go through a lot of family upset. Especially as there are children involved.

 

Sounds like you might be underestimating the task before him.

 

Exactly - if he is from a traditional family or if she is the dishonor could be huge and the consequences coudl be huge.

 

Whether he is telling the truth or not its a bad situation. If hes telling the truth bail you will NEVER be accepted by his family and he may resent you forever if they feel he has brought dishonor on them.

 

If he is not telling you the truth then he is scum and you dont want him anyway.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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This is the typical 'my wife is sick' .. :laugh: heard that a lot.. :rolleyes:

JamieA Established Member

JamieA

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Have you actually met in RL? Or, is this an on-line, phone, vid-cam relationship?

blueberry Established Member

blueberry

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Hi everyone...

 

 

Thanks and i look forward to everyone's input!!

 

 

This is NOT a unique situation.

 

But, you'll get a load of good advice here.

 

Welcome on board.

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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Its a shame you can't get the wife's story. I suspect she'd be surprised to hear how 'bad' things are.

Nemo Established Member

Nemo

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This is NOT a unique situation.

:lmao: :lmao:

 

I am a unique person - just like everybody else.

angie2443 Established Member

angie2443

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fwiw, having a mental disorder doesn't necessarily make you a non functioning member of society.

 

Personally, I think you're being spun a tale here.

 

Certain mental disorders like schizophrenia (sp?) and often bipolar do disable a person, often for life. This is why I say, if she stays with this man and he's telling the truth (I don't think he is, but who knows?) she'd better be prepared to be a good mother. She'll most likely be taking on full responsibility of the children.

Owl Established Member

Owl

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This is the typical 'my wife is sick' .. :laugh: heard that a lot.. :rolleyes:

 

I'm curious, Lizzie...you hear it a lot...do you believe its true?

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