So empty and hurt

[bish]

Honestly I don't know why half the posters here are being rude to her and telling her to 'get a divorce'. This is not going to solve her problem.

 

She can solve her problem on her own after the divorce. Her husband shouldn't have to put up with her "solving her problem".

 

her problem shouldn't be his.

 

 

You don't know what she truly feels or can understand it unless you are in her shoes. Try backing off some, you might get more information from her regarding her situation.

 

Like what? What "information" would possibly change things?

 

If she wants to solve her problem, then fine, but like I said, her husband shouldn't be in the crossfire. She should let him go and seek the help she needs.

[oldguy]

Honestly I don't know why half the posters here are being rude to her and telling her to 'get a divorce'. This is not going to solve her problem. She's not a witch or a bad person. She came on here for advice as she is confused. She is being honest with you all about what she is feeling.

 

You don't know what she truly feels or can understand it unless you are in her shoes. Try backing off some, you might get more information from her regarding her situation. By doing what you posters have done, you made her defensive, not a good way to communicate.

 

Linda, you're not a bad person for wanting to experience these things, for I would probably feel the same way you do. I've been there, the one night stands, the meaningless sex, etc.. I realized that happened because I was lonely and was looking for a quick 'fix'. I also found it hard to trust people since I was cheated on by my ex-fiancee before this happening.

 

I think you have a combination of not having these experiences, but also more important there is something really lacking in your marriage. The intimacy, the romance, the little things. That's great if you and your husband go by the teachings of the bible, however you also need to feel wanted. When you don't feel wanted, that 'little fat girl' inside of you rears it's ugly head. You have put your own self-worth into your marriage and your husband and when you feel rejected by that, then you feel rejected by life. Kinda like you did when you were little.

 

That is too much to put on your shoulders, and when one puts their own self-worth into another person (married or not) then you are setting yourself up for rejection.

 

I think at this point perhaps marriage counseling is in order. Also know that thinking/fantasizing of being with other people IS OK. There is nothing wrong with that, it's human nature. As for kissing/touching another guy although is was a bad choice, that's all it was. It doesn't mean your a bad person. Everyone has made mistakes in life and we will continue to do so. It's when we fail to learn from these mistakes that we fail ourselves. How do you learn from yours? Well, by going to counseling, then finding out what you really want to do with your life. Either with or without your husband.

 

We don't have an instruction booklet when we are born. We don't know what's going to happen the next day and sometimes we don't know what's going to happen based on the decisions we make today. We can only go into these things with as much information as we can and only control the things that are given to us to control.

 

 

What jmargel said was good stuff. In my previous post I was more concerned with the type of help you’re getting or not getting. Some councilors just don’t work for some people. If you don’t like the person who cuts your hair you would go somewhere else. I am just passionate about this, when I was in the field I would recommend another councilor if I didn’t feel I was helping, (or at least saught their advice), and others in my office would do the same. Too many times people get frustrated and quit going when all they need is to try someone else. With that said, keep in mind there is no quick fix but you generally should be given, “homework” in cases like yours, I would think, within the first 3 to 6 visits.

 

When I reread my past post I realized, at least in part, it could be read as if I where bashing you, I wasn’t. Unfortunately that’s the price we pay for the written word

[bish]

jesus also told her to sin no more.

 

Now THAT was good.

[amandac]

If you don't want to divorce then stop thinking about having an affair and start thinking about how to improve your currrent relationship and needs.

 

Tell your husband you feel like he is taking you for granted and you don't feel attractive. Get some sext lingerie and watch some porn with him. Maybe if you felt naughty WITH him it will fulfill that need to be naughty with others.

 

Do you have any MARRIED girlfriends?? I love going out with my married girlfriends to drink and dance, we are all married (or in serious relationships) so no one is out looking for men but its a time we are out without our husbands, relaxing, venting and having a good time and at least for me I feel like I'm back in college having drinks with my girls and am away from all the resposibilities of marriage, children, my job but without anyone pressuring me to hook up with some random guy.

 

If I were you I would talk to my husband. There are times I think all of us feel like we are just stuck in a rut, if you feel this way chances are he does too, TELL HIM, work on it TOGETHER. Hopefully you can get past this and will forget you even had thoughts of cheating on your husband.

 

Think about how dissappointed your family will be when you get divorced. If you cheat, you will get caught - everyone gets caught eventually - you will be even more humiliated and no one will ever forgive you! Do the right thing and WORK on your marriage!

[oldguy]

She can solve her problem on her own after the divorce. Her husband shouldn't have to put up with her "solving her problem".

 

her problem shouldn't be his.

 

 

 

 

Like what? What "information" would possibly change things?

 

If she wants to solve her problem, then fine, but like I said, her husband shouldn't be in the crossfire. She should let him go and seek the help she needs.

 

 

 

Your right; it shouldn’t be his problem, but it is, he’s married to her. I doubt there is anyway to handle this that he shouldn’t be involved, weather that’s eventual marriage counseling or a divorce. They where both young and married for the wrong reasons or reason but somehow they managed to keep it together for 10 or 11 years. There is more here than meets the eye, there always is.

 

I don’t think she wants to abandon her morals, I believe she is just trying to rebel against them, to allow her actions to destroy them. Here is a “little fat girl” who went unnoticed her whole life, now her husband isn’t noticing her. That happens to often and it usually can be fixed but they are going to want to fix it and my fear is he refuses therapy. I don’t doubt for a moment she is attracted to this man or any man who will give her the attention she isn’t getting at home.

 

Second issue that is very apparent is as she says, “I feel like I'm that little girl again who's not allowed to have any fun. I'm 30 dammit”!!!" She’s an adult who views her husband as controlling and if she has an affair it will wreck marriage and she will be out of that situation.

 

It’s easier to set events into motion that we believe will have desired effects then to go through the leg work. It’s like jumping off a building; once you take that first step that’s all you have to do.

 

She wants attention she not getting at home, she wants to be an adult with some freedom and wrecking her marriage is with an affair accomplishes both. But with any wreck there will be consequences and I don’t believe she has abandon her sense of morality as much as she is rebelling against it and if that is true she will suffer for it latter. If she just wanted to divorce her husband and start sleeping around I would tell her to go for it but from what I’ve read I don’t believe that is who her core person is. She may have to leave her husband if he isn’t willing to work on this with her. But it sounds like she has always been controlled by someone else and I don’t believe going directly from a marriage to a relationship would be in her best interest. It’s not a good choice for anyone. I would also hope she would protect her moral values until she has gotten past what she is going through. Then if she still wants to have “dirty” sex with “bad boys”, (her words, not mine, lol), I’d tell her to knock her socks off., lol

[bish]

I don’t doubt for a moment she is attracted to this man or any man who will give her the attention she isn’t getting at home.

 

Any man that wants to get in a woman's pants will give them attention.

 

And those same men that would be giving her attention to get in her pants would slip into the same situation of the relationship routine if they were with her for any matter of time.

 

Once the conquest is over, that attention will die. I won't deny that she probably doesn't get the attention she "needs" from her husband, but is she totally innocent of giving attention to her husband as well? If she is so eager to have sex with several different men, I highly doubt she had the hots for her husband.

 

 

Second issue that is very apparent is as she says, “I feel like I'm that little girl again who's not allowed to have any fun. I'm 30 dammit”!!!" She’s an adult who views her husband as controlling and if she has an affair it will wreck marriage and she will be out of that situation.

 

She doesn't need an affair the get out of the situation. She needs a lawyer. Or rather should I say, HE needs a lawyer.

 

 

She wants attention she not getting at home

 

I wasn't getting attention from my xW and I expressed that over and over.

 

But you didn't see me going off and trying to solicite sex with other women.

 

So sorry, I just have to give a big "boo hoo" to that one.

 

 

 

she wants to be an adult with some freedom and wrecking her marriage is with an affair accomplishes both.

 

Again, why cheat? if she wants out, she can get out.

 

oh, thats right, she is worried about what her family and friends will think if she gets a divorce.

 

Well what does she think they will think when they find out she seeks out other men for sex and is cheating?

 

 

But with any wreck there will be consequences and I don’t believe she has abandon her sense of morality as much as she is rebelling against it and if that is true she will suffer for it latter. If she just wanted to divorce her husband and start sleeping around I would tell her to go for it

 

She doesn't want to divorce because she wants to keep up appearances.

 

She just wants to start sleeping around.

 

 

but from what I’ve read I don’t believe that is who her core person is. She may have to leave her husband if he isn’t willing to work on this with her. But it sounds like she has always been controlled by someone else and I don’t believe going directly from a marriage to a relationship would be in her best interest.

 

She doesn't have to go from a M to a R. She just wants sex. You don't need a R for that.

 

So she can get a divorce and have all the sex she wants.

[jmargel]

Bish, I don't know if you are jaded from a past situation or not, but it sure sounds like it.

 

Divorce is NOT the answer. Why? Because this problem is going to be following her around even if she gets a divorce. She will realize if she divorces and sleeps with some men that she will still feel the same way as she did before, and if not worse. Because at some point she will feel the emptyness, the hollowness that comes after sleeping with some stranger who tells her to get out of his house the next morning.

 

She will feel used and without value. The feeling of no value is the core of her problems when she was a child.

 

She needs to face her problem head on, she needs the support of her husband if he's willing to do this. She needs to be honest with him on what she's done, and the communication between the two needs to be improved.

 

For many they think divorce is a way out when in reality it's not. She needs counseling this is a problem she can't fix on her own.

[oldguy]

Originally posted by bish;

Any man that wants to get in a woman's pants will give them attention.

 

And those same men that would be giving her attention to get in her pants would slip into the same situation of the relationship routine if they were with her for any matter of time.

 

Once the conquest is over, that attention will die. I won't deny that she probably doesn't get the attention she "needs" from her husband, but is she totally innocent of giving attention to her husband as well? If she is so eager to have sex with several different men, I highly doubt she had the hots for her husband.

 

 

 

You and I basically agree here. But this isn’t about male psyche. This is about a young woman who is reaching out for help. The difference in our views is; I really don’t believe this is about sex or blatantly wanting to cheat. If she really wanted to have a fling, if she was really resolved to doing so she would have done it by now. There are “those men” that would just want to get into her pants. I realize I paraphrased your comment but I believe that is essentially what you where talking about.

 

And you may be right; they may have to separate, especially if HE isn’t willing to work on this. I don’t know his side, so I can only extrapolate a view of him through her interpretation of him, and some of the things she has issues with, in regards to her H are; she doesn’t feel he is giving her enough attention, and she views him as controlling, (whether these feelings are accurate or not is immaterial, she has issues with them and they are real to her) and the big one is; he wont seek help with her. Essentially he’s slamming the door. My guess would be because he may indeed have some control issues.

 

Also; I didn’t say she needed an affair, I said that I believe she may be viewing an affair, (not so much consciously), as a way to wreck her marriage by putting events into motion that will do it automatically. I don’t believe she wants to hurt anybody, I don’t believe she wants to just sleep around; I think she feels she needs to change her present circumstance and having an affair would certainly do that. And if I haven’t made this clear in my past posts; I think that this is very destructive, potential, behavior and not for the obvious reasons but because I don’t believe this is who she really is. So if she went through with her thoughts, or desires, of having an affair she would have to deal with the guilt she would then have to live with.

 

I don’t think this is a woman gone bad, it seems to me she may be a woman who is torn between her true, high moral standards and her desires; to be and feel loved, wanted and appreciated. To be treated as an adult with her own identity. And it doesn’t matter what you or I think. This is her reality, right now. This is what she is dealing with. I’m only concerned that she may abandon one for the other instead of working towards a healthy coexistence between the two, (High morals, and healthy desire to be loved). You and I both know she wont find that in an affair but this isn’t about you or I or our opinions or feelings. They have no place here; this is about a young woman who is desperately trying to find some answers. Once again; I’m quite certain that if this young woman wanted to get “laid” it would have happened by now.

[bish]

Bish, I don't know if you are jaded from a past situation or not, but it sure sounds like it.

 

Divorce is NOT the answer. Why? Because this problem is going to be following her around even if she gets a divorce.

 

Divorce would be an answer for HIM, not for her. She can solve her problems without betraying him. She can divorce him, set him free, and then solve her problems without dragging him down with her.

 

 

She will realize if she divorces and sleeps with some men that she will still feel the same way as she did before, and if not worse. Because at some point she will feel the emptyness, the hollowness that comes after sleeping with some stranger who tells her to get out of his house the next morning.

 

So because of these arguments, the husband should sit and take it?

 

 

She will feel used and without value.

 

And how do you think her husband feels? Is she to be allowed to keep soliciting sex from men and keep her marriage?

 

 

She needs to face her problem head on, she needs the support of her husband if he's willing to do this.

 

"Honey, I love having sex with other men, and I'm currently seeking out men for a good time.....I really need your support on this"

 

Are you kidding me??

 

 

She needs to be honest with him on what she's done, and the communication between the two needs to be improved.

 

She won't do that. She stated that if he knew, the marriage would be over, and she fears she'll be shunned if found out.

 

 

For many they think divorce is a way out when in reality it's not. She needs counseling this is a problem she can't fix on her own.

 

Again, suggesting divorce isn't for her sake, its for her husband's sake.

 

She can get counseling on her own.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Dear Maladjusted,

Your advice is good and comes from years of maturity and experience. I will take it to heart, and try to follow it. Keep encouraging people like me to do the right thing without judgement. Even Jesus loved the harlett in the Bible.

 

Cream,

 

You don't want to be that Harlott.

 

This whole thing is primarily about 2 things. Your husband taking you for granted, controlling you! And, your lack of self esteem/insecurities.

 

It feels good when other men want you. It proves to you that you are sexy and desireable. It also shows me that you don't understand men very well.

 

Your going to be happiest if you work "within" your marriage to make your life better. If you start looking outside your marriage for happiness, it will forever be like trying to hold sand.

 

Believe me. I am someone who has been there!

[jmargel]

Bish,

 

It's her that has come on here for advice, not her husband. Granted what she's doing to her husband is wrong but divorce might not be the answer (even for him).

 

Put the cheating aside for a moment and you will notice there are many other issues in this marriage. These issues contibuted to the distance between this couple which helped lead her astray. The cheating is only one topic in this marriage and the only way to deal with all of this and get to the bottom of the main issue here is counseling.

 

However it is his choice if he wishes to do this with her, but he needs to be told the truth. Her divorcing him is also going to bring out her infelidity so going through divorce proceedings or counseling he's going to find out.

 

She hasn't replied in awhile so unless she does there's really no reason to continue this thread.

[oldguy]

Bish,

 

It's her that has come on here for advice, not her husband. Granted what she's doing to her husband is wrong but divorce might not be the answer (even for him).

 

Put the cheating aside for a moment and you will notice there are many other issues in this marriage. These issues contibuted to the distance between this couple which helped lead her astray. The cheating is only one topic in this marriage and the only way to deal with all of this and get to the bottom of the main issue here is counseling.

 

However it is his choice if he wishes to do this with her, but he needs to be told the truth. Her divorcing him is also going to bring out her infelidity so going through divorce proceedings or counseling he's going to find out.

 

She hasn't replied in awhile so unless she does there's really no reason to continue this thread.

 

 

That’s the trouble with many of these, you never know. That was one of the issues I had with counseling; there where times you never knew what happened or if you actually helped.

[bish]

Bish,

 

It's her that has come on here for advice, not her husband. Granted what she's doing to her husband is wrong but divorce might not be the answer (even for him).

 

So how about she tell him what she is doing and see what he thinks?

 

 

Put the cheating aside for a moment and you will notice there are many other issues in this marriage. These issues contibuted to the distance between this couple which helped lead her astray. The cheating is only one topic in this marriage and the only way to deal with all of this and get to the bottom of the main issue here is counseling.

 

I don't think any amount of counseling is going to help once he finds out she is seeking out men for sex, or by that time has already hooked up with some.

 

 

However it is his choice if he wishes to do this with her, but he needs to be told the truth. Her divorcing him is also going to bring out her infelidity so going through divorce proceedings or counseling he's going to find out.

 

And if you carefully read her story, what is your opinion of what he is going to do once he finds out?

[oldguy]

So how about she tell him what she is doing and see what he thinks?

 

 

 

 

I don't think any amount of counseling is going to help once he finds out she is seeking out men for sex, or by that time has already hooked up with some.

 

 

 

 

And if you carefully read her story, what is your opinion of what he is going to do once he finds out?

 

 

Hey bish, It looks like it's game over... no one wins.

[bish]

Hey bish, It looks like it's game over... no one wins.

 

??

 

I'd still like to know what JM or anyones thoughts are what her H would do if he finds out.

 

If anyone truly believes that divorce is not the answer, then they have to ask themselves...what will this husband do if she were to come clean?

[Maladjusted]

I think he'd probably divorce her and I don't think she would come clean. I don't see any real remorse on her part for what has been going on. I think she is probably really worried about her image with friends and family to risk telling the truth.

[jmargel]

Bish.. you never know what he might say or do. What she 'thinks' what he will do might be the total opposite of what he actually does. There are situations when the guy finds out, goes nuts and kills his family. There are situations where the husband is mad and divorces.. There are situations where after the anger has gone, the husband looks at the situation and realizes he really wants to save the marriage and make things work out.

 

You don't know, we don't know. The only way of knowing is for her to goto counseling with him and then tell him in counseling. At least there it's a controlled environment.

 

At some point in time however, after he finds out he will stop blaming her for everything and then start looking at himself. Yes, it is WRONG for her to be cheating but there is something that is causing all of this. Personally I think it's a mixtures of distance and communication problems in the marriage along with a bad childhood she has endured.

 

Like I said though, either way he will eventually find out. Most do. It then becomes a matter of if they want to work on the marriage or not. However I believe counseling will benefit her greatly regardless of what happens.

[bish]

Like I said though, either way he will eventually find out. Most do. It then becomes a matter of if they want to work on the marriage or not. However I believe counseling will benefit her greatly regardless of what happens.

 

Do you really think counseling is going to take away her desire to screw a whole lot of guys?

 

I don't think so.

 

I think the only thing that will take that desire away is her actually going out and screwing a ton of guys.

 

Then, MAYBE, it will be out of her system. But I doubt it.

[jmargel]

Do you really think counseling is going to take away her desire to screw a whole lot of guys?

 

I don't think so.

 

I think the only thing that will take that desire away is her actually going out and screwing a ton of guys.

 

Then, MAYBE, it will be out of her system. But I doubt it.

 

Yes I do, because it's not the physical sex she is actually wanting. It's what she is missing in her marriage, along with her lack of self confidence.

 

Kind of like a person being anorexic. They don't do that to stay skinny, they do it because they feel they have no control in their life and the only thing they can control is their body. That and again a lack of self confidence.

 

If she were to screw around with a few men, she will eventually realize this is not fulfilling what she is really needing.

[oldguy]

One more time; She spoke of, desires, fears, frustrations, a whole gambit of emotions but I must have missed the post where she slept with anyone

 

As for what he would do; based on what she is telling us of him my knee jerk reaction would be, yes, he would walk out. However, that would depend on a couple of things; first is the level of his religious convictions, next, his true feelings for her, not to mention his possible concern for what friends and family might think of him. Remember; divorce in many religions is taboo even for a divorced man as he will forever be viewed within his circle as, “a divorcee”. And finally, and maybe most importantly; we don’t truly know what he is like. We only have her perception of this man and I’ve rarely heard of an ex, or wanna be ex presented in a favorable light.

 

I don’t believe divorce is as much the answer as it may be inevitable. Please; where did I miss the post that said she DID screw around? Until she does that there is hope because until she does that, and probably even after that I don’t really believe this is about sex and adultery.

 

I may actually have missed it but I’ve posted this point several times and no one has addressed it and I’m not sure why as I believe it is probably the most pivotal point in this discussion. Did she sleep with anyone else?

 

Divorce is too often the easiest first option. That doesn’t necessarily always make it the best first option.

[bish]

One more time; She spoke of, desires, fears, frustrations, a whole gambit of emotions but I must have missed the post where she slept with anyone

 

As for what he would do; based on what she is telling us of him my knee jerk reaction would be, yes, he would walk out. However, that would depend on a couple of things; first is the level of his religious convictions, next, his true feelings for her, not to mention his possible concern for what friends and family might think of him. Remember; divorce in many religions is taboo even for a divorced man as he will forever be viewed within his circle as, “a divorcee”. And finally, and maybe most importantly; we don’t truly know what he is like. We only have her perception of this man and I’ve rarely heard of an ex, or wanna be ex presented in a favorable light.

 

I don’t believe divorce is as much the answer as it may be inevitable. Please; where did I miss the post that said she DID screw around?

 

She already crossed the line, while she claims it wasn't sex. And she IS actively seeking out men for sex.

 

 

Until she does that there is hope because until she does that, and probably even after that I don’t really believe this is about sex and adultery.

 

I disagree. Wanting to go out and have sex with other people and actively trying to arrange such encounters are as bad as the actual act itself.

 

 

I may actually have missed it but I’ve posted this point several times and no one has addressed it and I’m not sure why as I believe it is probably the most pivotal point in this discussion. Did she sleep with anyone else?

 

According to her, no. but she is soliciting men for sex...just no bites yet.

 

Again, the fact she is looking for it is just as bad as doing it. It makes no difference just because she hasn't been fortunate enough to get a bite from one of these men.

 

 

Divorce is too often the easiest first option. That doesn’t necessarily always make it the best first option.

 

Depends on who wants to be cuckold and who doesn't.

 

If he is content with staying with someone he knew wanted to go out and screw other men....well hey, thats his choice.

 

other men won't settle for less.

[oldguy]

She already crossed the line, while she claims it wasn't sex. And she IS actively seeking out men for sex.

 

I disagree. Wanting to go out and have sex with other people and actively trying to arrange such encounters are as bad as the actual act itself.

 

According to her, no. but she is soliciting men for sex...just no bites yet.

 

Again, the fact she is looking for it is just as bad as doing it. It makes no difference just because she hasn't been fortunate enough to get a bite from one of these men.

 

Depends on who wants to be cuckold and who doesn't.

 

If he is content with staying with someone he knew wanted to go out and screw other men....well hey, thats his choice.

 

other men won't settle for less.

 

I just find it hard to believe that a young lady who really wants to have sex would be finding it so difficult to at least come up with a one night stand unless… “it’s not really about sex”. Thats it.

[bish]

I just find it hard to believe that a young lady who really wants to have sex would be finding it so difficult to at least come up with a one night stand unless… “it’s not really about sex”. Thats it.

 

Or it could be the men she is seeking have their standards. That or if she did find someone agreeable that its a matter of finding the opportune moment to get away so as to not drum up her H's suspicions.

[oldguy]

Or it could be the men she is seeking have their standards. That or if she did find someone agreeable that its a matter of finding the opportune moment to get away so as to not drum up her H's suspicions.

 

Sure, and maybe she has three eyes, who knows, or maybe she's only trying to pick up guys at church. Unless we hear back from her we will never know.

 

I was a councellor for a lot of years and when I hear of someone changing suddenly especially their moral stance, it just raises all kinds of red flags with me to start looking at the cause more than the reaction or actions.

[seibert253]

I hate to be blunt, but here I go; her true nature was repressed for many years, and is now razing it's ugly head. She's tired of being a "normal" wife, focusing her time and attention on her husband and family. The prospect of being a whore for some reason seems exciting to her. If that's what you want, have at it. You will never find true happiness in jumping from bed to bed with anyone who will have you. I hope the sorrow and pain you are about to inflict on your husband and family will be worth it.