Skylark_Mesa Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 Everything was great at the start, but that was before I learned how bad her temper is and about her inability to manage her anger. She has become physically violent in arguments lately and I find that I am resenting her more and more. When things are good they are very good though. We have a great time doing whatever and both have really good senses of humor etc. It seems like we are in the middle of the power struggle phase and it doesn't seem like it will ever end. She rarely shows remorse for her wrongdoings and rarely apologizes; she has too much pride to do so. The fights have gotten worse but we always make amends and talk about what went wrong. I still don't think I want to be in it any longer because she hasn't apologized for the ways she has physically hurt me. I don't think she cares about doing it or thinks there is anything wrong with it. On the other hand, she has told her friends that I am the best thing that's happened to her and she's never felt the way she feels about me with anyone ever. Why is she so abusive to me and why can't I just leave?
MarieW Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 You say things were great at the start? So why aren't they now? You need to talk to her and find out why she is unhappy and lashing out - she would not turn violent unless something is really bothering her. Her behaviour is not acceptable, it's not just women who get beaten up. Perhaps you have to accept the relationship is over but if I were you I would talk to her before packing your bags. There are obviously deep issues here and I don't know enough about the problem to even guess what they may be. Get talking and Good Luck!
Tony T Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 YOU ASK: "Why is she so abusive to me and why can't I just leave?" This usually happens when a person's good points slightly outweigh the bad. When we are considering such dramatic action, we think about the good times...and then we think about the abuse. Though the abusive instances are probably few and far between, they have such power to stick into our minds that they make our lives more unpleasant over the long haul. Perhaps you could get your lady into an anger management program or you could learn better ways of getting out of her way. A good counsellor can get into her head to find out why she has these anger and temper problems. The counsellor can also teach you more positive conflict resolution techniques so they don't get physical. As far as getting apologies from her, if she's not inclined to give those with sincerity I don't think you want them. I always look on apologies as pretty fake anyway. Why would somebody do something they didn't want to do, unless they were crazy. Just accept that her behavior was the way it was because of the way she felt at the time. She is nothing more than human. If you decide that circumstances are just too much for you to endure and you are obsessed with her dark side, you should make new living arrangements...or have her do the same. Under normal circumstances, most people find it very easy to leave someone who is physically violent towards them. That you are still around her tells me you have an incredible ability to forgive. That's good and I commend you for that. I hope, however, that you will set boundaries beyond which you will continue to forgive but will endure no more.
Oxydol Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 This thread made me recall something someone sent me and I'm displaying it below. While it's message involves a woman, relationship abuse happens to many people regardless or gender or orientation. I GOT FLOWERS TODAY I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night,and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today, Today was a very special day, It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him I would not have gotten flowers today......
Carly Posted August 22, 2003 Posted August 22, 2003 Other reasons to explain why people take emotional abuse from their partners: One common reason is that they simply don't know better. Perhaps you were raised in a family with a pretty high tolerance for yelling, insults, verbal threats, theatrics, etc. I suspect that if you were raised in one of those calm, warm, nurturing, accepting families then you would see her behavior as less tolerable than you currently see it. But as you get older, you may come to see more and more couples who thrive without that kind of verbal and emotional sparring, and your wife's behavior will become less and less acceptable to you. Another reason to tolerate verbal or emotional abuse is that the victim of abuse somehow believes deep down that they deserve what they got coming to them. Usually spouses who are emotioanlly abusive are very skilled at manipulating the situation and and twisiting things areound so that you, the victim, feel that it was really all your fault somehow. If only you didn't set her off, if only you were more sensitive, if only you were more accepting of her ways, yadda, yadda. I encourage you to go to google.com and look at narcissistic personality disorder. Your wife may not have a full blown case of NPD, but she certainly has some symptoms: the Jeckle n Hyde contrast, the refusal to accept personal responsibility, inability to express regret, the feeling that she is always in the right, etc. At nsc, there is also a support forum for partners of narcissisits (n-partners, I think it's called). At the heart of these people is a profound self-loathing, combined with a profound self-preoccupation. They work forever at covering up their insecurity by boasting about themselves and putting down others. Conversations always turn to themsleves, they laugh at their own jokes, they talk like they are smarter than everyone else, better at their jobs than anyone else, or perhaps more attractive than others. They have very littel concern or regard for others. They only ask questions about others in order to turn the conversation to themsleves. If someone is having a problem, they turn the conversation to their own bigger, more important problem. They talk like they think they are so special -- except that over a very short time other people come to dislike them, thus fuelling their insecurity and bringing out their worst. In brief, these people have trouble keeping friends. As children these kids were often disliked by their parents -- not the fault of the child, but the most common root cause of their personality disorder. Whatever your wife's formal diagnosis is, the prognosis is very poor for anyone who is quick to blame, quick to find fault in others, quick to protect their ego by offending others, and in denial about their own flaws. The problem with these people in therapy is that they refuse to acknowledge their responsibility for their own problems, or the problems they cause in a relationship. Heck, real work in therapy would only bring them closer to their true inner selves, for whom they have a profound hatred.
Author Skylark_Mesa Posted August 22, 2003 Author Posted August 22, 2003 Thanks so much for your posts, they mean a lot. She's actually my girlfriend, not my wife. Last night we talked on the phone and she began yelling pretty quickly, i think it's because i told her how i was hurt that she showed no remorse - fer defensiveness set in bigtime. She said things like "i can't believe you have the gall to say this after the things you said!". I did say mean things (so did she...) but i told her that i'm sorry for them. The whole time she was yelling and I had to keep the phone a foot away from my head because it was so loud. I am proud of myself for not raising my voice at all or participating in her yelling match. I just let her yell and yell until she stopped and then I would talk some more. She ridiculed me for bringing up specific things she did (ie. the violence), and said that if I hadn't provoked her it never would have happened. She also said in a matter of fact way that if she got in a similar situation with me in the future she would get violent again... again, no remorse or accountability for her actions. After she said that I told her I didn't want to be with her then. She hung up on me.... whatever man.. not much i can do about it. I am realizing that this is HER problem and I feel like just backing away because there's nothing I can do about it. I think she might need some therapy........
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