Grrlish Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 After experiencing some difficulties in our relationship, after almost 9 months of living together, I moved out of my boyfriend's home at the beginning of Sept. We have been dating for a year and a half and have openly discussed marriage. We're both in our early 40s. Over the the last couple of weeks, he has been diligently pursuing me for communication, expressing his clear desire to 'fix things' and move forward together. We have had hours and hours of verbal communication over the last couple of weeks. I'm very interested in figuring things out and moving forward with him. I have expressed my concerns to him about how to do with based on his inflexibility in the past. I love this man and he loves me. We have both acknowledged that we have never tried to do anything quite like this. Our pasts have followed similar patterns in that we've been in long-term relationships but neither of us has seen these relationships through to marriage. We want to take things forward so that we can hopefully get to marriage. Together. Well... We slept together last night. I mean, not just slept together but we made love. We haven't slept together in several weeks; probably since mid-August. I told him this morning that I thought that perhaps we made a mistake, that bringing sex into the mix at this point seemed like a complication. He said that he did not feel the same way, and that making love to me made him feel closer to me. And that it made him feel that with all of the strife that we've been going through and all of the anger that I've been expressing, that he saw me making love with him as a sign that perhaps I could begin to let go of my anger so that we could talk about making some progress. He also said that it made him feel loved and wanted and that it showed him that I still care for him. He said that he loved me and he missed me and that all of this just made him want to be with me (ie, fix things) even more. Sometime in that last couple of days, he told me that what he was thinking was that if we could get things back on track that he would like to see us in a new home together in a 3-4 months. Specifically, not his current house; one where we could establish a home, together. 'Conventional' thought seems to be that a woman should hold out on sex for as long as possible in this kind of situation. We're not kids. We didn't start dating last week, or last month. I'm beating myself up this morning. Did I make a mistake?
Rafa Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 No, I wouldn't worry, everything sounds fine actually. Like you said... We're not kids. We didn't start dating last week, or last month. And like he said... ... making love to me made him feel closer to me. And that it made him feel that with all of the strife that we've been going through and all of the anger that I've been expressing, that he saw me making love with him as a sign that perhaps I could begin to let go of my anger so that we could talk about making some progress. Doesn't sound like you've ruined any chances at all!
Author Grrlish Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 No, I wouldn't worry, everything sounds fine actually. ... Doesn't sound like you've ruined any chances at all! Your brief note brought tears to my eyes, and more than a few. I hope you're right. I know this is going to sound jaded and I do not mean to offend anyone. I want so much to believe the words that he said but sometimes it's hard to know whether a man is just saying what you want to hear. Or if he is saying what you want to hear, and means it.
Rafa Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Your brief note brought tears to my eyes, and more than a few. I hope you're right. I know this is going to sound jaded and I do not mean to offend anyone. I want so much to believe the words that he said but sometimes it's hard to know whether a man is just saying what you want to hear. Or if he is saying what you want to hear, and means it. Hi Grrlish, All of the information in your original post sounds like his intentions are good and his aim is true. Plus you're in your 40's so I doubt he's messing you about or emotionally immature. But ultimately, you know the guy, not me or any of us. If you think he is the type of character that says things he doesn't mean, then obviously that puts a different slant on it. My guess is, you know in your heart what type of guy he is and can answer this for yourself. The things you have shared with us here do bode well for you. best of luck to you both.
audrey_1 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 sometimes it's hard to know whether a man is just saying what you want to hear. Or if he is saying what you want to hear, and means it. Yes, it is, but you had some time in between your love making to put things in perspective. He could have fed you lines over the past month and a half, but didn't it seems. He was patient with you, and now that you have been intimate again, he feels connected to you again, which is good. Men don't think like women do. For them, being together physically can be the gauge of the relationship. It seems that everything can be ok and progress, if you let it, but I understand feeling that you've put yourself at risk by opening that part of yourself. That's where you have to be strong and not overthink but go with the flow. Easier said than done.
RogueAC Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 After experiencing some difficulties in our relationship, after almost 9 months of living together, I moved out of my boyfriend's home at the beginning of Sept. May I ask what difficulties you were having in the relationship? Over the last couple of weeks, he has been diligently pursuing me for communication, expressing his clear desire to 'fix things' and move forward together. We have had hours and hours of verbal communication over the last couple of weeks. What actions has he taken to show you he is legitimate in his desire to reconcile and work on the relationship?
Author Grrlish Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 May I ask what difficulties you were having in the relationship? Honestly, and without much filter, he grew up the youngest of three boys, spoiled as far as attention and babying and getting everything he wanted (not spoiled money-wise, as they grew up fairly poor). At the same time that he was spoiled as a child, he also grew up in a home that was unbalanced, so he has a thick protective layer. Lastly, as the youngest of three boys (and all of them are large guys), even though they babied him, he also had to learn to protect himself and he had to learn to fight to win. Okay, so with all of that analysis cr*p out there, the bottomline is that he brought his spoiled, always-fight-to-win attitude into his adult life and our relationship (and previous ones). His determination and always-fight-to-win attitude has gotten him far, professionally. Not so far, personally. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. And when he doesn't get it, he freezes me out or gets snotty. We both had unbalanced childhoods (who doesn't?); ours, in similar ways. But I at least had grandparents who provided a frame of reference for 'family time', and even my undependable mother somehow gathered the three of us (I'm the oldest) together for family activities. Still, I grew up feeling like an only child, as did he. I think that he and his two brothers really grew up on their own, as did we. But being the oldest, I learned to be responsible for myself and for everyone else. He learned to not take responsibility for anything, at least in his personal life. What I'm getting at here in a long, roundabout way is that he struggles to compromise. The hardest thing to deal with has been his need to maintain secrecy and preferring to hide things instead of dealing with them as a couple. This has included maintaining female friendships without my knowledge and worse, he even lied about a couple of them. I struggle to understand why he lied about them. I spoke with both women. One is a friend that he has known since high school. She's happily married (ten years), knows all about me, hasn't seen my bf in years, etc. She was shocked when I told her that he lied about who he was chatting with. There was no reason for it. It was like a knee-jerk reaction and he just didn't like me asking. The other gal, I can understand why he lied but not that he lied. She's an ex; she's the woman he was dating right before we started dating. I know after talking to her that she would still take him back. She says no but I can tell. Him, I don't believe that he is interested in her in that way. I mean, I think that he was getting some kind of ego boost from their chatting; I'm not completely retarded. But I met her and, frankly, she's kind of boring without much personality. She's cute, younger and has a good job, but I don't think that she has much to offer in the way of substance. I'm not concerned about him doing anything significantly wrong with her. Or with any other woman. My concern is him understanding that he is emotionally cheating on our relationship. He seems to be 'getting it' now. It's pretty awful that it took me moving out for him to start 'getting it'. What actions has he taken to show you he is legitimate in his desire to reconcile and work on the relationship? So far, mostly we have just been talking. He has never participated in communications about our relationship to this extent or dept. Now, not only has he participated but he is initiating, being consistent, and being persistent. I will admit that I've been railing him about the past and am not just sitting on the couch and listening to him and nodding. He seems to be listening, he seems sincere in his words. Actions...I know that his actions are what are going to make or break things. He knows that he has to make some changes in order for us to work. It is only over some time that he will have the opportunity to 'act'. What has he done in the last couple of weeks? 1. Spend A LOT of time communicating with me about the past, present and future. 2. I have told him twice that I don't know if I believe that he really wants to do this, or that he can do it. Both times, it was late at night. Both times, he came to my house to talk to me in person. (Not like a stalker. For him, this is more a display of pushing his ego aside and taking the initiative.) 3. He spent time with a couple of my friends twice this weekend (a couple who just moved to town that I knew before they moved here). It is unusual for him to agree to socialize with people that he doesn't know, especially in very small groups. He is shy and a bit self-conscious. He did a great 'job' at this, for me, this weekend. 4. Last night, before we were intimate he reminded me that the dog was locked in the house and he would have to leave when we were done. I hesitated but I wanted to make love so we did. I felt unsure afterward, and made some comments about hoping that we hadn't made a mistake and weren't headed down the booty call/short replay path. He left, let the dog out and in, and came back 30 minutes later to sleep with me. 5. We were intimate this morning before he left for the office. I started kicking myself, verbally, while he was still here, and I verbalized my concerns. He said that he would call me later and maybe we'd go to a show. I sort of mumbled, yeah-yeah, and I know I looked like I was going to cry, but he had to leave for work. He stayed as long as he could but I also did not want to create undue drama over a choice that I had made. He called me already today, to tell me that he was taking his grandfather to a doctor's appt. that is a short drive out of town, and just wanted to call and 'check in' with me. I was genuinely light on the phone. I want to believe him. I was sure to thank him for calling to hopefully show him that his effort did not go unnoticed. He has said that he has learned a lot from this relationship, and he wants to learn more, and he wants to put what he has learned into action in our relationship. He does not want to take it to a next one. He said that I have put a lot of time and energy into this relationship and he feels that it would not be right to take his lessons learned to someone else. We all do this (learn from our past relationships and take those lessons forward) but at some point, we often choose to stop and learn our lessons and grow with one partner. He has also said that he longs to have in his life what he sees many of his friends having - a long-term love and friendship with a committed spouse. He said that the only way he can prove to me that he means what he is saying is for me to give him some time to make some adjustments and that the only way he can show me is over time. Meaning, what can he really do to instantaneously prove himself? Nothing that I can think of so it makes sense that I have to decide whether or not to give this some time. I've only been open to communicating about fixing things for a couple of weeks. So, I am interested in what actions I should be looking for from him. Your thoughts on what I should be looking for him to do?
Author Grrlish Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 He said that the only way he can prove to me that he means what he is saying is for me to give him some time to make some adjustments and that the only way he can show me is over time. Meaning, what can he really do to instantaneously prove himself? Nothing that I can think of so it makes sense that I have to decide whether or not to give this some time. I've only been open to communicating about fixing things for a couple of weeks. So, I am interested in what actions I should be looking for from him. Your thoughts on what I should be looking for him to do? I would be interested in input from the men here about what kind of actions I should be looking for on his part. Thanks.
bonerboy Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I know this is going to sound jaded and I do not mean to offend anyone. I want so much to believe the words that he said but sometimes it's hard to know whether a man is just saying what you want to hear. Or if he is saying what you want to hear, and means it. *Sigh* Ok. Let me tell you something. Me being a male and all, maybe my advice might be somewhat helpful to you. Hes probably telling you what you want to hear. Women don't know anything about men, rather than what feels good on the weiner. Really. I personally tell my girl exactly what she wants to hear, just so she stops the da*ned nagging. Seriously, if you want to make it work between you and your "guy", then being on this website alone isn't going to help your case. He'd probably leave you if he knew you were doing this. I've been telling my girl for over five years now.. exactly what she wants to hear, and everything has just been SUPER!
Author Grrlish Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Well, Mike, I tried to talk to you for months and months, and all I got was more of the same. I loved you and was in a space to do the work necessary to have a life-long relationship with you. But it as all just a game to you. Miss you.
playlislay Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Sorry to hear it didnt work out hun, at least you two tried to work things through. Keep your chin up hun x
Author Grrlish Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Oh, chin is up. I left him quite some time ago. I just wanted to let him know that I realize that he was stalking me in more than one forum, which is why I wrote the note to him. Thanks for the kind words, though.
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