eugene3 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Hello, Well this is my final thread on this situation. I met with the ex this pst weekend after being broken up 6 months to get my things from her. I met her and we went out to dinner and had drinks. The whole time she was acting mean and blaming and bringing up the things i did wrong to her while we were together. She basically said she feels and has no feelings for me anymore and i need to understand that and move on from her. She said that to much has happened and that she will stay in my life but as a friend and she does not want to talk about our relationship or that i have changed when we talk as friends. She towards the end let me kiss her on the lips a few times and hunged me. On the way to taking her to her car i read a letter to her that i wrote and she started to tear up and cry. She then asked where "her" engagement ring was. I had the ring in the car since i brought it with me to sell at the store the next day. She then started to cry about the ring and took it out the box and looked at it and yelled at me for it being so dirty. I said what does it matter to you. She said that its hers and she does not want somoneone else to have it or for me to sell it so she should take it. Min later i let her take it and she left. 2 hours later she left me a txt asking if i was ok and i said yes but i made a mistake and i need the ring back. The issue is i went there to close things out with her and get my things now she has the ring that is way more valuable that i can not let her keep and i told her that and i told her i need it back. I suggested next month or in a few weeks to mee to get it and she said she is busy maybe the new year we can meet to get it. Now i am confused... and i have a big problem. Things are worse and i just feel i cant completly move on with her having the ring. She seems in no hurry to get it to me and close this all out and move on. I am angry at myself for letting her take it but i had a weak moment with her over it. So now we are still tied together because of this ring and i tried to get it sooner but she says she is busy until january. I just want to move on but can't because of that. I don't want to be her friend either because i seem to annoy her and i just think i need to disapear for a few months then contact her to make arangments. The longest i have not had contact with her was 5 weeks. I think i am not going be her friend and i think i will try to call her in 3-5 months. I have been up her butt since the break up crying and pleading with her and its not helping. Maybe if i really move on and not care for a while she will wonder. thanks for all your help on here.
CaliGuy Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Dude, ummm, I'm confused. Why would you give the ring to her? Why did you bring it, really? Deep down, you wanted to give it to her I think. I might have shown it to her as a "see what you missed?!" kind of thing but would have NEVER given it to her. Is she the type to sell the ring? You should tell her that the ring is NOT hers. It's only hers if she accepts YOUR marriage proposal and since she hasn't, you want the ring back now. And be a jerk about it too. There's no reason for her to run off with YOUR ring. Don't be a door mat. Go get the ring back. And then cut her off NC completely. What a wench... lol
nowhereman82 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Yeah dude drive to her place and get the ring, she has no reason to 'play fair'. CYA
Lishy Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Did you buy the ring for yourself? I am confused, I thought you bought an engagement ring and gave it to her ... Doesn't that make it hers? Unless you have an agreement that you are only loaning her the ring for as lomg as she is with you then thats different .. If not, it is hers and she has taken it back! Just let her have it (she will never give it back now) and move on! Stop finding excuses to contact her she only seemed to get overly emotional over he ring so it shows what type of girl she is and that you are better off without her.
nopainnogain Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Ah man ,that blows. Just let her keep it. She wont give it back. You screwed up. But not really. If you go after her and the ring it will show her that you are pathetic in some weird way. But if you let her keep it(granted you will lose out on money) you will hve taken the high road. Therefor you will keep your dignity and she will be the pathetic one.
Lishy Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I think he is just looking for an excuse to keep her in his life He wont admit it
nopainnogain Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I think he is just looking for an excuse to keep her in his life He wont admit it If thats the case he needs to make a new thread titled......................." how to not be a doormat"
Author eugene3 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 I'm sorry.. some history... we were togther almost 3 years and we got enaged last november for 4 months.. so when she broke it off her dad sent the ring to me 2 months after we broke up along with some of my things because she kept putting it off to get it back to me. I last weekend i took the ring with me to sell it back to the place were i got it with her to show her what she is doing. The ring is not hers she broke off the engagement and i paid for it so why should she keep it??? She said she will give it back but "down the line" is what she said. I know one thing i am not going to wait to long to get it. I might have to get nasty with her.
Peter_pan Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 slap that bi*ch man get it back now dude! that sh&t is not hers. same kinda thing happened with me and my ex, only i let her keep the ring..
Simplycaroline Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I'm sorry.. some history... we were togther almost 3 years and we got enaged last november for 4 months.. so when she broke it off her dad sent the ring to me 2 months after we broke up along with some of my things because she kept putting it off to get it back to me. I last weekend i took the ring with me to sell it back to the place were i got it with her to show her what she is doing. The ring is not hers she broke off the engagement and i paid for it so why should she keep it??? She said she will give it back but "down the line" is what she said. I know one thing i am not going to wait to long to get it. I might have to get nasty with her. Why did you give it to her? This is your responsibility. Get the ring and leave her alone.
BCCA Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 You really shouldn't have given it to her. I think we all know why you did, and while I can see your thought process there, it was a bad call. I would have shown it to her so she could see whats shes missing out on, but dude...she could use the ring you paid for to marry someone else. Not to be rude, but its kind of your fault that she has it. I would have told her that the ring is a symbol of our relationship, so if you dont want the relationship, you dont want the ring. I would get the ring back or let it go NOW. Next year? Like 3 months from now next year is the soonest she can give it back? She just wants to have the ring without any regard for you or why you bought it.
nowhereman82 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 The ring is yours by right.....when the women ends the engagement its considered polite to return the ring. When the man ends it, she gets to keep it.
BackonTrack Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 dude go get the ****ing ring back, why did you even give it to her. get the ****ing ring back *******. treat her like **** and move on, kick her out your life.
nopainnogain Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 . I would have told her that the ring is a symbol of our relationship, so if you dont want the relationship, you dont want the ring. . I think that would be a covert contract. Caliguy knows what in taliking about. Its manipulative. Better way woulda been to gve the ring when things were going good. Chalk it up dude. Your not gonna get the ring back. Ler her and the ring go. Now that would be awsome.
BackonTrack Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 **** that, she left you, i mean if you left on good terms then its ok for her to keep the ring.. well during my breakup, i still had love in my heart for my ex so I gave her all the things I have been meaning to give her but never did, items include a) ipod (i bought the wrong one, but gave her the recpiet) she texted me and said I left it.... then about 2 minutes later said "i owe you an ipod, my brother took it", that bascially told me she was using me.. she would of gave it back any other time if she didn't want it' b) cake i bought her from vacation c) about 50 in this lotion she couldn't afford, like 5 bottles worth. d) wireless router only thing I left out was the ram chip for her computer.... anyway i gave it all to her n wasted about 2000 dollars trying to win her back ie car services (wanted her to feel important), paying her to do a meaningless job while i decieded what i wanted to with her... man i did so many dumb ****, i wish i would not have done, i wished i would of just went strict NC after I curshed her out and threw her out, hell I wish I would of kept with the NC after I fired her for the second time. Man, every inch of me was trying so hard to get rid of her so badly, i just couldn't do it, i kept going back. she ****ing destroyed me in the end, hit me with a bomb, messed me up good, took about 5 months to recover.... sorry i got side tracked, but it looks like the girls still FEELS something for you, something similar happen to me, i didn't know my ex was having a full blown affair on me so about 1.3 years into the relationship i told her I loved her and she did something your ex did, acted quite upset. was pissed off too. anyway, its to late though, you already gave it to her. u can't ask for it back, just let it be... move on now
BCCA Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I think that would be a covert contract. Caliguy knows what in taliking about. Its manipulative. Better way woulda been to gve the ring when things were going good. Chalk it up dude. Your not gonna get the ring back. Ler her and the ring go. Now that would be awsome. No, you make a good point. Personally, I would never have brought up or shown her the ring once she ended things with me. It is manipulative to do what I said, but she also manipulated him to get it.
BoerumHill Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Other folks have weighed in about the proper ettiquette with respect to the ring. I went through a broken engagement several years ago, so I can give you the legal justification (which is only applicable in a community property state like NY). Why did you give it to her? This is your responsibility. Dude, why would you bring that ring to the final meeting unless you wanted to give it back to her? Makes no sense whatsoever. From a community property standpoint, marriage is a legal contract whereby two parties share everything in common. An engagement is a pledge to enter into that contract, and the ring constitutes the consideration. Once she broke it off, she forfeited the right of ownership to the engagement ring. I have to return why you brought the ring with you, why you let her know you had it, why you let her look at it, and finally why you let her keep it. You made a lot of small decisions along the way to that moment when she broke down, cried, and decided she would keep *her ring*. Technically, it is your ring. IMO, though, it's too late now - you have to man up, admit you blew it, and move on. I have to tell you, I'm not mad at what she did. I'm upset at what you did! You just got walked all over, my man, and for that, somebody should biatch slap you. Some have suggested you may want to go over there and make her give it back to you. I'm not going to say that is the worst advice you'll ever get, but I wouldn't play it that way for a couple reasons. From a pragmatic standpoint, you're gonna get taken to the cleaners either way. First off you now have a big mess, how are you going to convince her to give it back? Second, when you take it back to the place you bought it from, the best you can hope for is cents on the dollar. It's been too long to remember the exact numbers, but IIRC I got somewhere between 50-60% from my dealer on what I paid for it. Sad thing, it was the best deal I got offered. ASIDE: Maybe you could get more in a private sale, but that can get pretty involved and just reeks of bad karma ("Sweetie, you're gonna love what I bought you...got a great deal from a guy who got dumped"). So when you factor in the humiliation factor of 1) getting the ring back now, 2) accepting a fraction of what you paid, I think the best advice I have seen in this thread is forget it and move on. Just my 2 cents...your mileage may vary.
BCCA Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Dude, why would you bring that ring to the final meeting unless you wanted to give it back to her? Makes no sense whatsoever. Well, he obviously wanted to give it back to her. I think I can understand full well where he was coming from, he just let the moment carry him too much, and made a bad decision. I think it's downright tacky of her to accept it, and then say she may be able to squeeze some time in to give it back in 3-4 months. Thats just scandolous. I know you had good intentions, but just keep in mind that whether people realize what theyre doing or not, they WILL take advantage of you if you let them. I agree, chalk it up. All the time and effort you would spend to get the ring back, a second time now, and you would be lucky to even get 50% of what you paid.
Author eugene3 Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Thank you all for your concerns. I was not in the best state of min when i let her take the ring. I got the ring back from her 4 months prior because she called the engagement off. I told her from day one that when we see each other again to exchange our stuff i would bring the ring and together sell it back. I wanted to do this because to me the ring is meaning less and i wanted to sell it with her to get her to feel what she is doing and maybe she would realize. When we met i actually forgot i had the ring with me in the car until she brought it up. She cried and basically went nuts over it. That day with her was to see if there is hope or a second chance with her and it turned out she wants nothing to do with me. I got my things from her to move on from her and i wanted nothing to tie us together anymore. She the whole time i kept e-mailing her to get my things back would get mad because she wanted to move on from me. So my question is why take the ring back knowing well we would have to see each other again to deal with it and she knew that when she took it that day because i told her she can not keep it and she said she understands and that we would have to see each other again. Day later she e-mailed me to say it was a mistake to take it but down the line she said we can deal with it together. I agree to give it a few months to let things cool down with us and for me to get a grip that she is gone and when we see each other again i will feel better and will not care as much or even with somone new. The thing that i dont understand is for what ever reason i can't break the tie between us because first it was the things we needed to return to each other and now its the ring in which i can and will not let her keep. She will give it back she is not like that to keep it and she understands it would be wrong. Also i would call her mom and dad and tell them since they had to return the ring back to me in the first place. they would not be happy to know she has it back and i would do that to her if she kept it. She is vry family oriented.
Author eugene3 Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 I believe things happen for a reason and so does she. She has said to me that she believes that and this is why we are not together that it will not work with us and she is unhappy and to much has happened. She said that she feels there is somone far more better for her out there and it happens when you least expect it. I said yes that is true she could find the man of her dreams and she could not. She thinks its so easy to find true love out there and in reality its not. She will be 26 soon and as you get older it gets harder to find that special someone. I on the other hand think she is the one for me and that we had issues and we just need a break maybe a long break. Maybe she needs to see what else is out there and maybe she will feel what she felt with me. If she does not maybe she will start to think then. We have been done for 6 months but have talked over the whole time and now that she has the ring its still not over. She know eventually we must see each other to deal with it. I am just tired off chasing her and i think finally i am realizing that for it to work or for a second chance it has to be felt from her and she has to miss and want me and there is nothing i can do but disapear from her life for awhile. the longest i left her alone was 5 weeks. I think this time i am going to not deal with her or anything for at least 6 months to heal myself then i will call her to deal with the ring. I am sure once 2 or 3 months go by and she hears nothing from me she will wonder but if not still i am healing. I just believe we will be together again for some reason. If the future holds that we are to be togther then it will only happen if i move on........ my goal is 6 months of NC.
Lishy Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Your goal should be to get over her! Stop plotting and start moving on, your way of thinking is so not healthy and quite controlling!
BoerumHill Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 You'll be in the same place after you drag this out another six months. You are making conscious choices which will have consequences: you will not be moving onyou will not be getting over heryou will be no closer to closure than you are todayyou will think about her everydayyou will see her again (6 weeks/6 months/whatever)you will keep hoping (things happen for a reason, love will find a way, etc etc etc)The pain and ache may deaden somewhat if you doing things to keep your busy so it won't be in the forefront of your mind. It won't go away (as you'll find out when you see her again), and nothing will get resolved. You are making a conscious choice today. Know that you are responsible for your own actions. Nobody is forcing you to do anything. Rather than moving on with your life and beginning the process of healing, you have decided to delay the inevitable. I wish you well on your journey to nowhere.
me007 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 If we may know, how much was the ring? I don't know, if you are coughing up a couple of thousand, I would go get it back so you can move on. If it's only a few hundred, perhaps let it go. In my opinion, you were never married and she called things off, so the ring is no longer hers. I would feel kinda guilty taking a ring and saying it's "mine" if I broke up with the guy. She no longer loves you I'll assume, so why would she want it? It sounds like maybe she took advantage of you and took it for herself, even though you say she'll give it back eventually, why take it to prolong everything? It is your fault for giving it to her, but I know what it feels like in the moment to get weak with your feelings, and if she was getting upset and pushy you probably just showed it to her to keep her quiet. I say go for it, and get it back.
Author eugene3 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 I paid 14,000 for the ring and its worth when we got it apraised 19,900. So you can understand why i must get it back. You comment that " why does she want to prolong things " and that it my whole question is to why does she want to continue to tie us together knowing i need it back so we would have to see each other and on top of that i told her we need to do it this month and she replied she can't that "down the road" we will straighten things out. wtf..... why wait and why see each other again down the road so i asked her when is that and she said maybe the new year.
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