phonybeetlemania Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Its been a while since I checked out this site. I like this site because most of the posts are very intelligent and all of them are sincere. I'm in a bit of a incredibly delicate situation, and I can't really discuss it with anyone I know, but I desperately need honest input. I'll try to make it short. Roughly nine months ago I brought up to my bf and father of my baby the possibility of marriage. We have 9 mth old together. He basically shoot me down. We fought bitterly about it for a few weeks, and then he told me in so many words that he would propose and we would get married, I would just have patience. Fast forward to roughly six weeks ago. Still no real plans for getting hitched, but "he's working on it" and I accepted and was fine with that. Our relationship is at the best point its been in a long time. I started law school (nite school, take care of the baby during the day go to class at night). Its a class of roughly 45, so everyone knows each other. I became friends with maybe 5-6 people. I started going out to bars regularly with one my guy friends from class. Well, you can probably see where this is going. The other night after drinking way to much I couldn't catch my train home. So, I ended up staying w/ my friend. To use law school terminology, minimum contacts were made but we did not purposefully avail ourselves. (i.e fool around no sex). I feel terrible. I'm beating myself up about this and I don't know if I should tell my bf or act like it never happened. I've been open about my personal life with the guy friend, and everyone I meet. I talk about my baby all the time. The guy is about 2 yrs younger than me, never had a serious gf, so I don't know exactly what he sees in me, if anything at all. There are other girls with way less baggage than me. And until the end of the school year we have to be in the same classes and sit next to each other b/c the seating is assigned. (Tips on how to deal with this would be appreciated too...) I don't know what my problem is...(other than the obvious i drank too much). I have wanted for a long time to get married to my bf. But I think maybe i'm just giving up. He says it will happen, and I believe him, but I have waited for long time. any imput would be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading.
quankanne Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 ummm .. if you've got an infant at home, what the heck are you doing hanging out at bars with fellow students? Or is this a subliminal way of getting back at your BF for not jumping immediately on the marriage wagon?
Lucky_One Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 It has taken him 9 months to propose? Sort of a long time. I would guess that he agreed to get married to get you to shut up, and now is just enjoying the status quo while you don't nag. I wonder if you did this as a retaliation thing, like, you don't want me but someone else does. Or a secret thing to keep in your mind, like, nyah nyah I gotta secret. Whatever the reason, go home after class. You are a woman with a child and a SO at home; bar hanging is guaranteed trouble.
Ronni_W Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I don't know what my problem is...(other than the obvious i drank too much). I have wanted for a long time to get married to my bf. You could go one of two ways, as I see it: 1. Tell b/f that he is right...marriage now may not be the ideal thing for YOU. That, since you started being exposed, at school, to new ideas and how other people are living their lives, perhaps you will find that your ultimate happiness and success lies outside of marriage, for the foreseeable future. You do not know yet, but maybe it is best for YOU to keep more options open...for your own best interests. And see how he reacts to that. 2. Tell b/f that, with your accumulated frustration at him dragging his feet about a wedding date and, what with you being constantly exposed to new ideas and new people and all, you are afraid that you will do something reckless and irreversible. And, because of this, you really do need some concrete marriage plans within <time-frame of your choice>. And see how he reacts to that. Depending on the strength of your relationship, you may be able to reveal that you find yourself being attracted, in a general way, to other guys -- but you feel it could be more just a reflection on your own feelings & frustration about the stalemate over this proposal-thing, and it doesn't really feel like a threat to the longevity and health of your current relationship...at this time. Or, whatever is YOUR truth about why you are being attracted to other guys. (Over-use of booze is the precipitating factor/excuse, perhaps, but there is also more to it than that, nine times out of ten.) How to deal with your attraction -- perhaps just tell the other guy that you deeply regret what happened, and will appreciate it if he will do his part to stay emotionally detached & physically distant from you; and ask if he is willing to help you to NOT get into a similar situation in future. Of course, you'd be doing your own part by also ensuring that you do not drink too much around him (and other guys with whom you are also feeling deeper connections), and doing your best to not get into too many one-on-one study sessions and such.
Author phonybeetlemania Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Thanks guys for the responses. As for having a baby at home and going to bars after class, it is a fair question. I left this portion of the story out of the post in order to make it shorter. I have a very long commute to and from school. I've always made sure that I've made arrangements for her to be taken care of. I have gone out about three times in the six weeks I've been in school. So its not every night, but often enough not be rare. Now that I look back, the going out w/ friends probably was implicitly understood by the "guy friend" and me as seemingly innocent chance to spend more time together. As for 9 mths to propose, thats just how long its been since i brought up marriage. I got pregnant 18 mths ago. My BF and I have been together 4 1/2 years. I know these things take time, but damn. And as for secretly trying to get back at him, i honestly hope thats not what it was. If it is, its on some level that consciously I'm not aware of. Thats whats scary for me. I'm not a very impulsive person, and I feel like what happened with the guy friend was me acting reckless and impulsive. I'm not blaming my BF, just trying to figure out why I would do something so stupid and reckless.
Bells Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Its been a while since I checked out this site. I like this site because most of the posts are very intelligent and all of them are sincere. I'm in a bit of a incredibly delicate situation, and I can't really discuss it with anyone I know, but I desperately need honest input. I'll try to make it short. Roughly nine months ago I brought up to my bf and father of my baby the possibility of marriage. We have 9 mth old together. He basically shoot me down. We fought bitterly about it for a few weeks, and then he told me in so many words that he would propose and we would get married, I would just have patience. Fast forward to roughly six weeks ago. Still no real plans for getting hitched, but "he's working on it" and I accepted and was fine with that. Our relationship is at the best point its been in a long time. I started law school (nite school, take care of the baby during the day go to class at night). Its a class of roughly 45, so everyone knows each other. I became friends with maybe 5-6 people. I started going out to bars regularly with one my guy friends from class. Well, you can probably see where this is going. The other night after drinking way to much I couldn't catch my train home. So, I ended up staying w/ my friend. To use law school terminology, minimum contacts were made but we did not purposefully avail ourselves. (i.e fool around no sex). I feel terrible. I'm beating myself up about this and I don't know if I should tell my bf or act like it never happened. I've been open about my personal life with the guy friend, and everyone I meet. I talk about my baby all the time. The guy is about 2 yrs younger than me, never had a serious gf, so I don't know exactly what he sees in me, if anything at all. There are other girls with way less baggage than me. And until the end of the school year we have to be in the same classes and sit next to each other b/c the seating is assigned. (Tips on how to deal with this would be appreciated too...) I don't know what my problem is...(other than the obvious i drank too much). I have wanted for a long time to get married to my bf. But I think maybe i'm just giving up. He says it will happen, and I believe him, but I have waited for long time. any imput would be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading. Actually, it's boyfriends like this girl's that annoys the crap out of me...I have been one of those guys (the nightschool classmate) whose had a crush on a girl in such a situation. I'm more marraige minded, and this boyfriend is obviously putting this girl off and probably never intends on marrying, cept the girl I was with didn't have a kid...she just wanted to get married. She'd be better off with a guy that's more marriage minded. I suggest dumping the guy....though, and start seeing more men that are marriage minded,but... with a child in the picture....might be even harder to do.
imagine Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 B/f doesn't really sound like a "man with a plan". More like FWB kind of deal. Do you want him as a husband? Caveat emptor girl! And I know that what you did with OM was not up to your own standards from the "naturally occurring evidence". It looks like everyone here is a little tainted. Why don't you stop, regroup and take a hard look at your sitch, minus all the male distractions.
LakesideDream Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Great advise everyone ! The hapless BF and in attendance father of the child, who is currently not ready to marry should be punished for his uncertainty by having his GF and mother of his child cheat on him. Swap the genders here LS'ers! Male goes out after night classes, stays overnight with a fellow female student, enjoys an evening of heavy petting without sealing the deal... then complains about his GF not being ready to commit to marriage. Now what's the advice? Disgusting behavior, vs uncertain about marriage. Which is preferable?
donnist Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Give the BF a break! He has not hinted that he doesn't want to get married. From what I read he has given the green light... Maybe he need to get his finances right for "special" wedding. And as for you... don't you have self control??? I get liquored up once in a while with friends and total strangers too but not once have I deviated from thinking about my child and partner at home. THEY should be the ones in the back of your mind when your looking at your classmate that you are obviously attracted to. Which brings me to my next question... are you interested in him b/c you see his innocence or vulnerability? Him at that age (in college) and not ever having a serious GF raises flags for me. College guy as I remember liked to get the older women. MILF's I believe the term is called. You are in a happy relationship.. don't be the one to screw it up for someone you barely know. Hint: risk vs. reward. ps: as for seating arrangements you have two options... 1) SELF CONTROL 2) explain to your professor the situation at hand (you get distract at your current seat), Im sure he understand and arrange another space for you. Hope this helps!
moonmosaic Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 So the bf wants to get married too but doesn't know when; i guess when it suits him, if ever. So who is in a more vulnerable position? of course there are two sides to every story but if it's a financial issue a prenup can always be drawn up to protect interest. My philosophy on commitment is: "yes, i love this person, i want to spend the rest of my love with this person and i want for nothing else" or "yes, i think i love this person but i am not sure i want to spend the rest of my life with this person and i'd rather leave my options open". I would put my foot down to find out where he stands and not let him sugarcoat things.
You'reasian Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Great advise everyone ! The hapless BF and in attendance father of the child, who is currently not ready to marry should be punished for his uncertainty by having his GF and mother of his child cheat on him. Swap the genders here LS'ers! Male goes out after night classes, stays overnight with a fellow female student, enjoys an evening of heavy petting without sealing the deal... then complains about his GF not being ready to commit to marriage. Now what's the advice? Disgusting behavior, vs uncertain about marriage. Which is preferable? Isn't it funny how everyone kinda shut up when you swapped the genders? I guess the same situations don't apply in reverse... Personally, I'm a marriage minded guy but I'm not going to marry the gal that has tendencies to f**k around with her classmates. Then again, if you call a woman out who has those tendencies your just another jealous dude - lol.
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