MarieD Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Hello All I am 35 & have been dating a guy for 6 months now. The first 3 months were amazing & the last 3 months were horrible! He became very insecure, paranoid & accusing. He had problems with me having male friends, accused me of flirting with him 58 year uncle & his friend cause I rubbed their back as i was hugging him goodbye, always thought i was lying to him, etc. It drove me crazy!! INSANE!!! I could never live my life like that!! So 1 month ago, I couldn't take him anymore, so i ended things & told him he needs to change & that I refuse to live with him being so insecure. I told him that each time he drove me crazy, i lost feelings for him. So we took 2 weeks off. He wrote me an amazing letter telling me how much he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, & how his insecurities are gone & to give him 1 last chance!! Well its been 1 week now since we been back. I told him that its going to take some time for me to get those feelings back that i had for him in the beginning & that its not going to happen overnight. Do you think if he shows me that his insecurities are all gone, that i will aventually love him again like I used to?? He is having a problem facing that each time he drove me crazy & accusing me of something i didn't do, that I lost feelings for him. I do love him, but nothing like i did in the first 3 months. Or do u guys think its a waste of time??
Lauriebell82 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 He sounds controlling and insecure. Those patterns are hard to break. Something that I've learned, is that you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed. Chances are you are not going to see a change overnight. It's going to be a struggle for him to get rid of those feelings. I know because I am insecure (not as bad as your boyfriend) and it is a really hard habit to break. If you are willing to work with him on this, then great. But don't expect an immediate change. You said, that you feel you lost feelings for him every time he "drove you crazy." So what if he slips up again? Are you going to lose more feelings for him? Eventually just fall out of love with him completely? These are all questions you need to ask yourself. These issues are pretty deep routed. Do you have any idea where he got these issues from? Abuse or bad relationships? Talking to him about where these feelings originated from will maybe help you to get back the relationship you once had.
carhill Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 OP, IMO, what you saw was his dating face "come off". That latter period is who he is at the intimate level. You appear to be an affectionate woman. Good on ya He may just not be able to handle that. That's his issue... At what point, if any, in the period did you start having sexual relations?
Author MarieD Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Laurie - Yes, he knows he has a problem & has been seeing a therapist for it. He knows he has to change cause I will not put up with his insecurities. I know its not going to happen overnight & it will be work & so will my trying to get those beginning feelings back. I'm willing to give it one last try. What if he does it again? I don't think I will stay with him!! I can't live having someone as my guard dog & watch everything i do & everything I say. Its not fun at all!! Yes, everytime he put me through hell, i did lose feelings for him!! Its REALLY bad. If it does continue, yes i probably will fall out of love with him!! I am not sure where he got these issues from. He said he's not sure, but he has had some bad relationships! If i married him the way he was, ......... i could picture this scenerio happening........ if i went food shopping & was 10 minutes late, he would think that i was out having sex in the back seat of my car. Carhill - Yes u r right. He said when we first met, that was the real him , he says his insecurities come out when he starts caring about someone. Yes, I am a very affectionate person, but thats just me. I refuse to change my personality for someone just because they are insecure. Its part of who i am. I guess his insecurity is part of who he is too. We started having sexual relations after 1 1/2 months of dating.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Therapy is a real good step. The problem is, it doesn't sound like he is stable/healthy enough to have a serious relationship right now. That's great if you are willing to give him one last chance: problem is, when he slips up and says something controlling/paranoid/insecure, you are going to leave him. That won't help him get better. Now, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, however, this is your life too. Here is a suggestion: Tell him you would like to give him some space to work out his issues. Let him know that it may be too much pressure to be in a relationship right now, and that his recovery is most important. Since you feel that if he continues to display this behavior, you will break up with him he is DEF. not going to get better. You can still have contact and support him, but you want to give him the space he needs to work out his issues. Otherwise, his behavior will be the demise of your relationship.
Author MarieD Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 I see your point, but he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't want to let me go. I gave him 2 weeks to be alone, i know its not much time, but I couldn't stand being around him anymore & i needed him to think about everything. I hope he could work on his insecurities, cause he WILL lose me if he doesn't. I guess i'll take it one day at a time. Only time will tell if we were meant to be together. It just hurts that we have to go through all this BS!! grrrrr
carhill Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Your experience is a great example of why taking one's time to get to know someone bears fruit. Your dynamic isn't an indicator of who's "right" or "better" but indicates your compatibility for a LTR. You've identified some areas which need clarifying or need work on. It's up to each of you how much you'll bend to make the relationship work. Intimacy and love are great inspirations. I hope you can work it out
Author MarieD Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Yes, u r right Carhill. I guess we both have some work to do. Time will tell if we were meant to be. Yes, u have to take your time & get to know a person. Thanks!!
All Star Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I see your point, but he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't want to let me go. I gave him 2 weeks to be alone, i know its not much time, but I couldn't stand being around him anymore & i needed him to think about everything. I hope he could work on his insecurities, cause he WILL lose me if he doesn't. I guess i'll take it one day at a time. Only time will tell if we were meant to be together. It just hurts that we have to go through all this BS!! grrrrr He's going to do it again. It's who he is and how he approaches realtionships. You should not have been swayed by the munipulative emotional behavior i.e. the love letter. This looks like trouble. I doubt very seriously that he is actually seeing a counselor. He may have told you that, but I think he will tell you whatever you want to hear. When all else fails, I think this person will try to hold you with violence. But only you can know what he is capable of.
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