Strip clubs- a big deal or not?

[lexi29]

I was reading another thread on here about LB's boyfriend possibly going to a strip club and had a conversation with my fiance regarding the issue of strip clubs. He last went to a strip club about a year ago when he left me for another woman. He did not tell the other woman he went to the strip club while dating her (two weeks he dated her). His friends wanted to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party and he knows I am not comfortable with that so he told them if he wants to get married he can not go because he respects my feelings on the subject.

 

I want to point out that I have no issues with porn, I've bought porn for my fiance, we watch some together, I don't care what he looks at or how often as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life (it hasn't in the past) and as long as its not child porn or something. He can fantasize about whoever, what ever he wants, none of my business. However, I draw the line at strip clubs. The ones in my area are totally nude and have a reputations for lots of "extras". At one club management practically forces their girls to entice men into Jacuzzi rooms ($300 a pop) by giving bjs and having sex under the water. My fiance attended several strip clubs in his younger days (his dad took him to one when he turned 18) and he's gone several times with friends. He has gone while we were dating ( I didn't know till afterward and didn't really give him grief about it as at the time it didn't bother me (was years before we got engaged). However, once I found out about al the extras that go on at these clubs it makes me uncomfortable.

 

Also now that we are getting married I feel it is inapppropriate for him to be paying to watch naked women or paying for naked women to dance and grind on his lap. He has a perfectly willing woman at home and we have a great sex life and I work hard to stay in shape and I have a better body than most of the strippers (around here anyway). So while I understand guys like variety, he can look at porn all he wants, just live naked girls are out of the question.

 

I've tried to find something I can compare him going to see strippers with in my own life that I would find equally arrousing. Going to see male strippers holds none of my interest- it might be a fun night out with the girls but going to actually derive sexual enjoyment of the evening would not work for me as I really have no interest in seeing other men naked. I am probably in the minority but even in porn, I don't really find the guys all that attractive, I get turned on by the acts not by the men performing them. I like gay porn too, the guys are more attractive almost always but again , its the taboo things they are doing to eachother that turns me on, not "oh my god that guy is so hot" type thing. Now I get turned on instantly by seeing my fiance's tan naked back or just seeing his the top of his jeans unbuttoned etc because I know this is going to lead to sex and thats great. And I've seen it mentioned that the equivalent of men watching strippers is that women would get the same thrill from stripping for strange men. I don't think that would work either, I dont have any desire to dance around naked for anyone other than my fiance.

 

What I've come up with is this- in my younger years (16-18) I was a "kissing slut" I've only slept with enough people to count on one hand but I've kissed about 30 guys. When I was sixteen I kissed about 15 of those guys in one year. I absoutely love kissing someone new. It is exciting and the feeling (rush) I get from it usually lasts anywhere from a few hours to a few days. I just love the variety and how guys kiss differently. I haven't kissed somone new in almost 4 years! It is something that is very exciting for me and yes, I get a sexual thrill out of it. It turns me on and if I were to go out and kiss someone new (If I didn't have to feel guilty about it) I would come home and want to have sex with my fiance all night I'm sure.

 

And kissing is pretty innocent- no sex, no relationships. I mean there would be a possibility that it could lead to more (Just like in a strip club but I wouldnt' have to pay for it!) but my fiance would have to trust me that I wouldnt' engage in anything that would hurt our relationship.

 

However my fiance doesn't share this view. he says if he were "allowed" go to see strippers he wouldn't mind if I went to see male strippers. However the kissing a random guy thing is off limits. Well of course he wouldnt' mind if I saw male strippers- I have NO interest in them. That would be like me saying "honey if you let me kiss strange men and don't get upset, then I'll "let" you go golfing with your buddies. Well my fiance doesn't have any interest in golf and thinks the sport is boring. So I'd be offering something he never wanted in the first place.

 

My feelings are that if you are in a serious relationship you shouldn't be seeking (live) outside sources of sexual pleasure. Am I too controlling on this issue? it also seems really tacky and kind of pathetic that a man in a relationship would have to PAY for women to pay attention to him. I mean its a job and most strippers (from what I've heard from male friends who go) walk away and stop feigning interest as soon as your wallet closes. My fiance has said that its a fun place to go but agrees not to go anymore because of my feelings on the issue. He's only had one lap dance in his life (and it was from an upscale club in NY when he was there several years ago). So its not like he's addicted or anything. But am I being unreasonable about this issue?

[a4a]

NO.

If you feel that way you are entitled to it.

 

If it is a deal breaker it is a deal breaker.

 

I bet if your F saw some hot guy grinding his wares all over you he would have a fit!

 

I have seen men freak if their female partners even dance with another guy.

 

IMHO this whole bachelor/ette party crap is just that - crap.

 

And this guy just has too many issues to marry anyway.... don't do it!

[superd]

Strip clubs, maybe a bad idea, but its not the same as having sex with another person besides you. Maybe you can get forgiveness and give it to.

[Stepmom]

Lexi I just posted extensively on this subject very recently as I have had a horrible summer after having discovered my husband of 5 yrs has been going to strip clubs with coworkers to entertain clients and lying about it. Don't know how to put the link in this message yet.

 

Although there are differences in people's feelings about SC's, I would bet most women in committed relationships are not okay with it. If you are uncomfortable with it, I would set that boundary right now and not waiver from it. I wish I had been more emphatic 5 yrs ago when I knew my husband had gone a couple times before our wedding. I don't think he realized just how much of a deal breaker it is for me although he does now.

 

Going to SC's is no longer just about looking at women, but rather is all about the lap dancing, which is simulating sex to me. It provides an opportunity for close and intimate contact. No matter how fake it is, and my husband has gone to great lengths to convince me of that, I could never get comfortable with it. And to boot, if your fiance has enough money, he could go into the VIP rooms as mine did (with much advance planning). Once there each guy gets his own stripper for the duration of time they are in the room. Sometimes it was hours. He claims it was mostly talking with intermittent lap dancing. All friends and their strippers were in the room at the same time so it is unlikely sex occurred. The "better" clubs have restaurants in them now where you can also dine with your rent-a-stripper, as my husband did on 2 occasions.

 

Finally, I have read about 6-7 books on stripping this summer. By and large, the strippers are all about the $$$ and most don't want to even be touched. The rooms are wired with security cameras and there are bouncers around, although that doesn't mean they don't look the other way at times. However, there are those who will compromise their boundaries when they are not making as much money as they had hoped, and will do more for the right price. In some clubs it is in the back, back rooms. Sometimes they'll prostitute themselves back at the guy's hotel. When you consider all the alcohol consumed by all parties in these transactions (strippers get a cut of drink revenues), judgement is really surrendered. I see it as a very slippery slope. It has taken me all summer to get reasonably convinced that my husband did not have any kind of sex on any of his trips there but it has been ugly and is not over yet. I hate to see anyone else go through what I have. This has brought us to the brink of divorce.

 

Best of luck to you.

[angie2443]

However my fiance doesn't share this view. he says if he were "allowed" go to see strippers he wouldn't mind if I went to see male strippers. However the kissing a random guy thing is off limits. Well of course he wouldnt' mind if I saw male strippers- I have NO interest in them. That would be like me saying "honey if you let me kiss strange men and don't get upset, then I'll "let" you go golfing with your buddies. Well my fiance doesn't have any interest in golf and thinks the sport is boring. So I'd be offering something he never wanted in the first place.

 

I totally agree with your kissing idea. I think that every man that goes to strip clubs should allow their wives/girlfriends to be sexual with another man in some way, shape or form. I'm not supprised that most men (most that I've heard from) don't agree with this idea.

[fral945]

My feelings are that if you are in a serious relationship you shouldn't be seeking (live) outside sources of sexual pleasure. Am I too controlling on this issue?

 

Seems reasonable to me. I do look at porn but have never been in a strip club and have no desire to go. Quite frankly I don't understand the appeal. Why go pay women and get nothing but sexual tension and no gratification? Only reason I would go is if I actually go something out of it.

 

Just one male's perspective here.

[allina]

Each couple is different. I think going to a strip club before your wedding is sort of tacky but not a huge deal. But if my bf went to Vegas or just out in our city with his friends and they went to a strip club it would not be an issue for me at all. However, I would never date a man who was a regular at strip clubs and spent a lot of money there. So I guess that in my opinion strip clubs are fine as a rarity, especially when both partners are comfortable with the idea.

I'd like to add that when I will be in Vegas with a few friends in a couple months we're going to go see that Aussie stripper show

[masala]

I'm fine with everything except lap dances. I like going to strip clubs myself, though, and think that it's pretty harmless. All the same, if it's something that makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you should set some boundaries. Or go with him the first time and see what it's like.