MizzBlue72 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Wow - I would get her stuff out of your house. This may help you have some closure too. Sounds like you are still hurt.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 Wow - I would get her stuff out of your house. This may help you have some closure too. Sounds like you are still hurt. I am still hurt but miles from where I was.. I used to have "purpose" regarding us and a future. Things were a "plan".. Now it has been reduced to "dismanteling" which includes ALOT.. Dish Soap and Shampoo's don't bother me.. It's a Bombay Chest that I bought her that is in my bedroom.. It is a original painting of Sunflowers that is hanging in a bathroom.. It is a one of a kind dining table and stuff like that... THOSE are the things I can't get rid of that hurt to see because they meant SO much.. It is a process that I am working through and have no doubt that I will me OK.. Thanks
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 When you're ready, I would call a local charity to come by and pick that stuff up. That stuff isn't something you want to hang onto in the future.
Lookingforward Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I am still hurt but miles from where I was.. I used to have "purpose" regarding us and a future. Things were a "plan".. Now it has been reduced to "dismanteling" which includes ALOT.. Dish Soap and Shampoo's don't bother me.. It's a Bombay Chest that I bought her that is in my bedroom.. It is a original painting of Sunflowers that is hanging in a bathroom.. It is a one of a kind dining table and stuff like that... THOSE are the things I can't get rid of that hurt to see because they meant SO much.. It is a process that I am working through and have no doubt that I will me OK.. Thanks Hmmm... I guess for future reference you've learned a lesson that it's best not to start building a 'home' with someone until they've left their old one. It'll take time, but you'll get there SD.
LakesideDream Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I am still hurt but miles from where I was.. I used to have "purpose" regarding us and a future. Things were a "plan".. Now it has been reduced to "dismanteling" which includes ALOT.. Dish Soap and Shampoo's don't bother me.. It's a Bombay Chest that I bought her that is in my bedroom.. It is a original painting of Sunflowers that is hanging in a bathroom.. It is a one of a kind dining table and stuff like that... THOSE are the things I can't get rid of that hurt to see because they meant SO much.. It is a process that I am working through and have no doubt that I will me OK.. Thanks Stamp, open your eyes. "It's a" bunch of stuff. Just material. Stuff that means nothing to her at all. Why can't you get rid of "Stuff"? I was married 25 years to a gal I loved deeply and faithfully. When I found out she was fornicating with an old BF I didn't want her "stuff" around anymore. For the next 5 years each time I ran across one of her "stuffs" I put it in a box and sent it to her, no message, just a box of stuff. Before I moved in April, I ran across 45 records I hadn't seen in two decades, I sent it to her. No message. Wanted nothing in return. The stuff wasn't mine to discard. Out of respect for myself, I just put it in a box and mailed them her. You are holding on to the Drama. That's a failed stragity.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 I hear you all.. BUT, these are things I bought for "US".. there is no more "us", now just ME.. so, I now have bought these nice things for ME... It's OK..
Lookingforward Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 SD, if you can look at that way, then it's just fine.
lexi29 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I hear you all.. BUT, these are things I bought for "US".. there is no more "us", now just ME.. so, I now have bought these nice things for ME... It's OK.. Stampdaddy, I normally don't post of this particular forum because I've never been on either side of this OW/MW fence. However I did have a very close friend (I met her through work several years ago) who confided in me endlessly. The similiarities in her story and the story of your OW are frighteningly similiar so I felt the need to respond. Maybe to give you some insight (and lose hope) into how your OW may think. I know you are shocked and hurt that she LIED to you and though most on here have said "wake up she was lying to her husband the whole time, what did you expect?" Well you expected MORE from her because she made you feel special and that it was different between you and her and she planned a life with you. My friend, I'll call her Ann, was married for five years, no children. Her OM was her first affair and she found him by accident and they became close, probably because her husband worked too much and she was bored or lonely. She told many lies to both her husband and her OM (she told me about most of them, I believe but probably kept some to herself in case she ever got caught) SHe told OM that her husband was mentally abusive (she admitted to me he was somewhat neglectful but that was all). OM wanted to save her and he worshipped the ground she walked on and this made her self esteem soar. All the things she was missing at home, she was getting from OM. Soon she couldn't live without him. They made plans for the future, just as you and your OW did. He even bought a new house that she liked because he thought if he had a nice place it would give her more incentive to leave her husband. SHe always told OM that she rarely ever had sex with her husband and that she did it only so he wouldnt' become suspicious. She told me that actually since dating OM her sex life with her husband had improved and they were doing it all the time. That because OM made her feel so sexy and desirable this ignited the passion she and her husband used to have when they first got married. I think she believed she would leave her husband but she kept teetering back and forth. Even though she didnt' have children, she had a past with her husband and good memories and familiarity and stability. She wasn't exactly happy there but she was comfortable as she told it. She said it was like living in two separate worlds. when she was with OM she was so happy and wanted only him, but when she came home to her husband she would realize she didn't want to leave him either. Yes, she was what they call a cake eater. Her relationship with OM seemed to improve her relationship with her husband. She said she had this little fantasy world with OM (but she thought it was real at the time) and then she'd come home to the safety and security of her marriage. She admitted she thought she loved OM and that she did many things to lead him on. She talked about marriage and the kids they would have (even had names picked out) and OM already had a daughter and she got to know his young daughter and his daughter was attached to her. When Dday occurred she told lies to pacify her husband (including that she wouldn't have any contact with OM anymore) and continued seeing OM as she didnt' want to lose him (I think they'd been seeing eachother more than a year). OM thought she'd be ready to leave now and made plans for her to move in. IF her husband would have kicked her out she probably would have moved in with OM she said but was torn. She told OM she and husband were moving toward divorce and went as far to plan her moving-in date and they even went and looked at engagement rings together. She helped him decorate his house more to her tastes (I have no idea if she helped pay for the stuff) and she told him she was packing up her stuff to bring over. In reality she was attending MC with her husband and trying to work things out. She still wanted both men in her life. She realized she couldnt' leave her husband and the security and past they had and be happy with OM alone. She had these thoughts when she was secure at home (that she could leave and be with OM) but when the time came she couldn't make that break. She decided that her marriage was more important. Now, I have no idea why she made this decision (last I knew she was still with her husband) but I do know that she kept OM dangling on a string with several months until she was 100% certain things would work out with her husband. The things she did were very self centered and manipulative (and I had a hard time listening to them) She said she couldn't be happy with just OM as she had only been happy when he was part of the puzzle (along with her husband) but that she knew her husband and she had been happy alone at one time and she owed it to him to work it out. (even though for awhile she still went behind his back with OM) The moral of the story is that this woman was very self centered and really didnt' seem to care about anyone but #1-herself. As long as she was happy, she blocked it out that she was hurting two people she supposedly cared about. And when the s*it hit the fan, she went into survival mode and told whatever lies she needed to protect herself. So you may feel confusion and hurt as to how your OW made all these plans with you and now has stayed with her husband. You probably feel some anger that he didnt' kick her out as he should have (but would you really have wanted to be her last choice instead of her first?) Breakups are usually devastating but you will get through it. She is NOT the person you were in love with. She is a self-serving selfish b*tch that probably has little remorse (other than pretended to try to get back into your good graces if her husband throws her out) for hurting you and your son. As for sending her husband emails or appologizing to him- bad idea but I get where you were coming from. Last year my bf left me (didn't cheat but left abrubtly) and soon after starting dating one of his exes. I did not know they were dating and had good bye sex with him at his insistence (meaning I turned him down several times but he kept trying to seduce me and I liked the attention and gave in) and shortly after that I was talking to his ex (an aquaintance of mine) and found out that she was dating him!! I had told her about our hook up and how it confused me and she was furious because he had cheated on as he was dating her at the time. It was short lived thing and I should have hated this woman (she pretended to be my friend and was dating my boyfriend) and she should have hated me (because her boyfriend cheated on her with me)but instead I sympathized with her and it was like a victim's mentality that he did both of us wrong so I wanted to bond with her!!! As though talking to her (someone else he betrayed and hurt) would help the pain go away. That we could share the pain. That didn't last long but I do know where you are coming from in that respect. My only advice is to take care of yourself, keep busy and throw away everything that reminds you of her. She has made her choice and unfortunately its not you (and though that hurts) consider it a blessing in disguise.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 30, 2008 Author Posted September 30, 2008 Thanks for the note and the thoughts (long for you to type out, so thanks for the effort:)) You are right, probably a blessing.. Luckily, I don't feel like she "chose" him, so to speak, over me. But the fact is, she IS there with him and NOT with me.. The "survival mode" that you speak of is VERY real.. And you are correct, it didnt matter who she hurt tp protect HERSELF. If she came back because they started to divorce, and I believe she would try, I just don't think I could have an understanding bone in my body.. Well, one bone would like to try...
JamieA Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Thanks for the note and the thoughts (long for you to type out, so thanks for the effort:)) You are right, probably a blessing.. Luckily, I don't feel like she "chose" him, so to speak, over me. But the fact is, she IS there with him and NOT with me.. The "survival mode" that you speak of is VERY real.. And you are correct, it didnt matter who she hurt tp protect HERSELF. If she came back because they started to divorce, and I believe she would try, I just don't think I could have an understanding bone in my body.. Well, one bone would like to try... LoL. I love that the Shemp side of you always shines through!
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