nena999 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I am a hypochondriac... all in the mind and I can somewhat control it. I know there are worse hypochondriacs who doesn't even believe the doctors who tells them they are normal. But if the doctors say I am fine, I will believe them. Problem is I am not financially capable of going to the doctors at the moment =/ I already took out all the diseases from my head such as breast cancer, ovarian cancer and all sorts of diseases after researching them online. The internet is like the candy store for me I can search for endless hours of all sort of information. Everything is clear from my head and I think I am close to being a normal happy person again. I am so tired of being sad, so so tired. I just want to be a normal happy person. I think everyone in this world deserve to be happy. Even me. Here comes my biggest concern as of this moment that is keeping me up at night and making me lose my appetite. I seem to think I may have hiv/aids or hepatitis. I made mistakes in the past and was sexually active since I was 14 and had a total of 5 partners. My first partner was my first love and he was a virgin so I was safe. The next 2 guys I am not so sure about, my recent ex I am sure is healthy and finally my current boyfriend is also very healthy. So its just the 2 guys that is causing me anxiety today. I have not had sex with those 2 guys since 2003. 3 years ago I took a test and everything came back negative. Especially the hepatitis was negative I remember for sure. But I can't seem to remember if hiv was negative too... I am so scared and so nervous. I don't want to die =/ I made my mistakes and from now on I am not having sex with anyone again unless they have lab results that they are std/hiv free. I no longer will trust in just plain words, because I know everyone is capable of lying. I am in no position to go to the doctor to do a test myself at the moment because it is so expensive in Spain... Almost 500 dollars just for going to the hospital. Here they do everything at the hospital...and for people like me they charge alot because I am not a citizen yet. =/ My boyfriend is going to go do a test to reassure me but he can't for a couple of weeks due to work and such. In the meantime I am going out of my mind =/ I am driving myself nuts, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I have no one to talk to. I don't talk to my parents and I can't talk to my boyfriend. He gets so upset with me when he sees me like this but I can't help myself. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months therefore if I have something I would give it to him too. So if he is fine that means I am fine. He keep assuring me that I am fine but it doesn’t help. It is easier said than done, I am so nervous of the results. Its a mental problem... I wish there was someone I could talk to but there is no one. At this time in my life I don't want to die anymore, I just finally got out of my depression and able to be happy again and it didn't last, now I am suffering from hypochondria. I just want God to give me another chance and to let me be healthy... I swear I won't take it for granted again. I just want to be a normal 23 years old. My hypochondria is really affecting my life, I lost my appetite, I haven't really ate anything in 3 days...my anxiety is making me physically sick. I used to be so carefree, so energetic... I just want to be normal and happy again. It is so hard to have these problems and have absolutely noone to talk to, I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I know once my boyfriend get his test results I can finally put this to rest and not every worry again, for he is the last partner I plan to be with. I am just driving myself nuts in the meantime =/ Please if you have any advice for me I would love to hear them and thank you for reading this, it feels so good to type all this out.
Geishawhelk Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 You're fine. If your test had been positive, you would have had a barrage of communications from your doctors about treatment, medication and all sorts, and requesting you come for appointments and consultations, and even possibly suggesting you attend counselling. They would not have left you alone, because this is no trivial matter. If you had HIV/Aids, trust me. You'd know it. You're fine. OK?
Author nena999 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 thank you so much for comforting me ..it's so nice to hear from someone else .. thank you.
Geishawhelk Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 What I really do advise you to do is to speak to someone - don't look for them on the web or internet - but speak to a real, living human being, who might be able to either directly help you, or refer you to a psychological Counsellor, because living this way is doing you no good at all. You feel sick, you're not eating properly and you worry incessantly and constantly. Really, you need to be well, and this is not the way to go. Hypochondria will kill you in the end. The sheer worry and wild imagination alone might drive you nuts. Please, try to see someone. Ask your BF to support you in looking for someone, because if he knows you want to be well, I'm sure he'll help you. Tell him you need to just know he's behind you and will be there for you whilst you find someone to steer you towards recovery. Any help or advice he could give would be great.... Go on, I'm rooting for you!
Author nena999 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 I would love to do just that...but the problem is no one cares enough to really talk to me =p I have absolutely no friends here, I left home to be with my boyfriend, I can't tell my family they will just worry more =p My boyfriend loves me I know that but he doesn't seem to take me seriously..he keeps joking around that I am a worry wart ect.. He is making lots of effort for me since the beginning of our relationship and to this moment he's going to go take the test again for me. I only complain that he's not taking the time to really listen. I guess I can try to talk to him again. but everytime i try to he would get upset or want to change the subject because he's a normal guy and he doesn't like talking about this stuff. I can't talk to him in the morning because he's getting ready for work and i don't wanna slow him down. I can't talk to him after because he just got home from work and wants to relax. There is really never a good time for this type of talk because it's not something people want to hear. you know? He doesn't understand what i am going through Thanks for rooting for me though...I am trying very hard to get rid of this but its very hard without help.
Geishawhelk Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 OK, 2 things: This isn't about him, and when he's comfortable talking about it. It's about you. You need help and support, not platitudes and pats-on-the-head. If he doesn't understand what you're going through, he needs to have a clearer signal. Either show him this thread, or write him a letter. Seriously. people don't seem to find the time to talk, but it's amazing how they'll take the time to read something. If he's still unsympathetic, then consider whether, really, he's any 'good' for you. You need comfort, not criticism. Secondly, I'm not talking about approaching just anyone. You need to get clinically referred. So you must - absolutely must - talk to a doctor and get their professional support. Please don't be shy or intimidated. I had to approach my doctor about a phobia I had, and I really believed he'd think I was stupid. I plucked up the courage and began to tell him what my problem was, and he was as kind as anything, very sypmpathetic, and immediately put me in touch with the local clinical Psychology Unit. Doctors have to do this all the time. Do It!!
Author nena999 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Ok I will try I know for sure in California where I was from this would not be a problem, because theres lots of therapists, counselors, free hotline and whatnot. I am in Spain at the moment and currently taking Spanish classes, so language is still a barrier. I would have to look for someone who speaks english. I am also not financially stable because I am still a student, and I am not a citizen nor do I have any type of insurance. Im in a rut really...but I will try...Maybe there is something out there I just have to look harder.
JamesM Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 When I feel the "disease" of hypochondria strike it is caused by two things usually... Stress (main reason) Disease Focus (secondary reason) Stress can be anything from a death in the family or a change in life. In your case this time, it can be connected to the fact that you moved so far away. You may feel that your life is in an upheaval, and you are not certain of your future. You have no friends, the language prevents you from enjoying your day without a lot of work, and you do not know if this will be your future. The uncertainty can add tons of stress to an already stressful life. This alone can send your imagination into overdrive. And disease focus is when I see, hear, or read of some disease which I suddenly feel that I have. The symptoms are mine, albeit they are imagined. Most of the time, your rational mind would dismiss thoughts of a major disease and death, but when life is stressful and full of worry, then these thoughts take root and grow. For instance, I may have a sore throat. And it may be just that, but then I read that someone just died of strep. Normally, I would not worry about it, but this time I am afraid that I have strep and I will die from it. Inwardly I feel panicky and filled with dread. I just know I am going to die. Why did it affect me this time? Because my life is not relaxed and under control. It is full of uncertainty and stress. But as you mentioned, the internet is helpful, and I have learned that 99% of the time, the simplest answer is the real answer. If you can remember this, it does help. So, when reading the possible reasons for the sore throat, then first assume the best. The only caution is...if this symptom is completely different, then you may need to ask for someone else's opinion. But even then it usually is the simplest one. A rule of thumb I have always had is...if the symptoms do not disappear within a week, then maybe the simplest isn't the answer. Again, this doesn't apply to an ache in a joint necessarily, because sometimes aches and pains do take longer than a week to heal. I had a sore elbow take a couple of months to go away, but I was quite certain that it was a bone injury. As for AIDs, it has been mentioned already. If it has been five years already, then it is highly doubtful that you would have gone that long without any symptoms reappearing/appearing. This disease can lay dormant, but it usually doesn't. (Another thought...you will be in the majority of what "usually" happens. When they say that 75% of all people do not get this disease, then figure that you are not the 25%.) My guess is this is all a part of the extra changes in your life. Now start googling hypochondria and determine how you can deal with it when it reappears. Recognize what brings it on, and then see if that helps prevent it from taking over your life. It can be debilitating, but if you begin to recognize what is behind it, then you can prevent it from taking over. Also google anxiety and hypochondria. I think you willl see what I am talking about. Start with these links: http://www.thehypochondriac.com/ http://www.anxietyzone.com/
Author nena999 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Oh my, thank you sooo much for taking the time to do this for me, such a long detailed answer i can read this over and over everytime i feel nervous or anxious. thanks so much you really helped me..
JamesM Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 You are welcome. You may want to share your story on one of those forums I listed. I can guarantee that you will not be alone. It is truly helpful to have someone to talk with who has been there.
Author nena999 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Update: I had contacted my most recent ex boyfriend and asked him about his status. He told me that he had a few blood test recently for health exams and they are all negative. He is fine and he doesn't have anything. We were together for 3.5 years and we were intimate almost every day... is it possible that I may be negative too? If I had anything I am sure I would've given it to him in those 3.5 years right? My current boyfriend is going to have his test this Thursday and he is certain he is fine and negative as well. I am with my current boyfriend for 8 months and we also had sex every day. If the result for him is also negative... Is it possible that I am also negative even though I am not testing? I read on the internet that just because your partner test negative does not mean that you are negative and that sent me back to my hypochondriac ways. As mentioned above I can't afford to go to the doctors at this moment because I am not a citizen here yet and it is really expensive.. As soon as I am able to I will for my mind's sake. Please tell me what you think I want to be able to feel secure with my ex and my current boyfriend's negative results. I am going to put this to rest and not think about this anymore.
Geishawhelk Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 If your ex- is negative, then so will your current BF be. I'm sure he'll test negative. That means you are negative as well. You're fine.
Recommended Posts