nkolod2 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 i love my boyfriend of a year and a half...but i keep accusing him of things he has never even been close to doing. he has never truly done anything suspicious, has been honest with me almost all the time, and constantly tells me he loves me and even mentioned wanting to propose to me soon. but i can't get over this insecurity issue that i have...i always think he'll find someone better to be with, or that hell get bored with me or just want to be single because all of his closest friends are now single and having fun hitting on and making out with girls at the club. however, i know deep down inside that he is nothing like that. BUT...im still so afraid. a little history on me...my senior year of highschool i met my first love. he was fun and outgoing and smart, and i truly thought i loved him. even when i saw his first sign of intense jealousy and insecurity, i didnt think twice about it. we were practicing for a talent show and i had put my arm around one of this friends who was botherin my group, so i was telling him to get out of the way. my bf at the time saw and got so upset that he was about ready to break up with me...because he thought i was hitting on his own friend! despite how stupid he was being, i did not see it and cried and apologized for my wrongdoing and continued my relationship with him. about two years went by this way...we would be perfectly happy together, then something really small would set him off and we would argue or i would apologize. then i started becoming insecure as well. my first bf had gotten cheated on by an old gf of two years, and his jealousy had rubbed off on me. now we both played the game, and after a while he grew tired of it and possibly more mature about the whole thing. he quit being so worrisome. no more asking me who i was sitting next to in class, no more getting mad about not answering his calls right away. unfortunately i was still stuck in this phase and i finally pushed him away. i dated someone else, but it was like i had a disease...my jealousy and insecurity drove him away as well. and he was a truly good guy that i regret having tortured to the point of not wanting to be with me. my ex (first love) came back into my life, and we decided (i had thought) that we could try once more. I finally started letting my walls down...then i learn a few days after new years eve (which we spent separate) that on that holiday he was kissing another girl...the girl he was seeing while we were apart the first time. i was devastated...i had never felt such emotional pain before in my life. i was scarred. it was like he had cheated...although we were not officially together yet...but he had lost all of my trust. eventually i healed, and i thought i could handle another relationship. my current boyfriend is an amazing guy...hes become my best friend, and i cant imagine my life without him. but i am slowly but surely driving him away as well. just an hour ago we were on the phone trying to discuss our situation. he had danced with another girl at a club last night...i dance with other guys too, so i shouldnt worry so much. he says he loves me. he didnt do anything wrong, i know that. but i keep getting insane ideas in my head such as this is what he is going to do at first...then itll get worse. and then what will i do??? i make him feel guilty for going out, i hassle him and push him and anger him. what was her name, how were u dancing, were u even thinking about me? its all the wrong things to say, i know that, but my insecurity tells me that i need to keep asking and checking up on him otherwise he'll think that he is free to cheat. this is also wrong! what can i do to stop myself? i truly love him and want to be with him, and he does as well but he is fed up...we might be going on a break. but to me a break is a breakup... what can i do?
sandrawg Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Your jealousy really does sound out of control. The irony about jealousy is, it's a reaction to protect yourself, right? To protect yourself from being hurt, and to try to keep the SO by your side. But in reality, it has the OPPOSITE effect. IT pushes him away. When you find yourself listening to your SO talk about these girls...just listen. Don't react. You may be simmering inside, but it's best if you don't fly off the handle. Get the whole story first. Then try to ask yourself, is my fear justified, or is it just an irrational fear? Dig deep to analyze...did somethign inapporpriate happen, or did your mind go off? Because look. If your SO is honest with you abotu dancing with a girl, that's a good sign. If he's doing something shady, he wouldn't tell you. And unless you're with him 24 hrs a day, he could be doing anything anywhere with anyone at any time. Right? So have some trust.
Author nkolod2 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 its too late...we just broke up. he said he wasnt sure if we could work, but when i asked if he wanted to breakup he wouldnt say it. so i just said then we'll break up mutually. so now its over and even though he keeps saying that he is so sorry for it to end this way, it still hurts so much. I know its all my fault. i lost another guy! i want to win him back and i know what i have to do..i have to learn to trust and have more self esteem. but im not sure if things will ever be the same between us. do you think he would ever take me back?
nopainnogain Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Take a time out from him for a few months then ask yourself. You need to work on your issues first.
sandrawg Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Take a time out from him for a few months then ask yourself. You need to work on your issues first. I totally agree. I'm so sorry you guys broke up, but this might be a good time for you to focus on yourself, and doing things to build up your self-esteem and confidence. That all has to come from within-you can't rely on a guy to validate you, or you'll have these kinds of problems in every relationship. Believe me, that's something I'm still learning myself. I would just be honest with him, that you still care for him very much but you know you are bringing some issues into the rel'ship that have caused you both conflict (I'm sure he has his own issues as well; this is no insult to you)...and that you need to take some time to work on them so that if you get back together, you can both get along better.
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