Lights Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 It does not end. I still cannot even count how many times I reach out to new people, however worthless the result. Yet I need not bother actively counting the number of people who bother to try to meet me. Is there a way to even this out without shutting myself in? I'm damned sick and tired of it all. Never a "You new here? I'm Marko..." or "I don't think I met you. I'm Claire...", even though I've done the same more times than I should have expended the effort on. I'm not anyone's or any group's tag-along, and nor am I some sort of infinite fount of patience who will graciously cover for every nearby fool's social skill deficiencies. Yet I have not learned any way to get that across to people and gotten them to work hard at earning my time and respect. Of course, that's just one aspect of this all. With dating and the like, it's even worse. No matter how many women I approach, it still seems that the routine, well-honed, confidently-delivered approaches on the part of the women are nowhere to be found; cheap excuses abound, but since no one ever rewards cowardice, incompetence, or backwardness on my part, I have no intention of rewarding them for theirs. For reasons still unknown, receiving a basic "Excuse me a minute. I just thought I would meet you. I'm Jennelle..." is still beyond my grasp, despite countless attempts at improving my own social skills and innumerable approaches of my own. Even something as theoretically simple as setting up a group meeting up for dinner seems to involve only flaking, unless it involved long-ago friends who are now long gone. How do I find out what's really going on? If the problem is me, how do I find out what social skill I am missing? If the problem is everyone else, how do I escape this culture or else teach it unequivocally that this will not be tolerated?
preeya_WT Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Hey relax n chill dear. just b ur self rather than trying to b someone wno has to please others or has to make others happy, just do things da way they make u happy, dat ways dis unneceeary pressure wil just go off u, just remember one thing b4 u start ur day dat u r loved, and asored by many, u r dat blessed, n da feeling dat u wil have wil naturally bring to u da way u need to deal a situation or people. Tryu dis out, Luv n luck always b wid u.
Author Lights Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Uhm, thanks for the response I guess. Maybe I'd have understood it better if it were in English.
JohnnyBlaze Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 First off, here's the translation without the "n" and "u r": "Hey, relax and chill, dear. Just be yourself rather than trying to be someone who has to please others, or has to make others happy; just do things the way that make you happy. That way, this unnecessary pressure will just go off you. Just remember one thing before you start your day; that you're loved and adored by many. You are that blessed, and the feeling that you have will naturally bring to you the way you need to deal with a situation or people. Try this out, Love and luck always be with you. :)" Now, as to my own response: I'm guessing you're new to an area? Most people who are established in an area (neighbourhood, company, etc.) already have their own little crews established. They're usually not recruiting, so if you want in, you have to make the push. It may not be fair, but it's life. As to women, they are approached constantly. Why would a girl go out looking for someone when all she has to do is sit around and give off the right look, and a handful of someones will come looking for her? This too, may not be fair, but once again, c'est la vie. There's one way to change it: convince all guys to stop approaching women. Somehow, I can't see this happening any time soon. This is one of those things you just have to chalk up to "unfair, but reality". Sorry.
Author Lights Posted October 1, 2008 Author Posted October 1, 2008 Now, as to my own response: I'm guessing you're new to an area? Most people who are established in an area (neighbourhood, company, etc.) already have their own little crews established. They're usually not recruiting, so if you want in, you have to make the push. It may not be fair, but it's life. No, I've been in this area way too long already. I've been hoping to escape, but things haven't worked out. I'm not new in the slightest. But that hasn't changed the situation over the years. I'll clarify a bit about my examples I used; maybe I chose them badly and they appeared to indicate that I was new to the area. The part about being new can vary with the immediate environment; a specific example could be at work; new people come by, and I might introduce myself. But no one introduces themselves to me; this was the case both back when I was new or anytime now. It's not so important in the workplace, because the people I need to know I'll either meet directly or get introduced to soon enough, but it's demonstrative of a bad pattern that repeats itself in other areas of my life. But nevertheless, it's even worse than what you described. I've had to cut off former friends from the past who don't even bother to send an IM or email. Sure, people grow apart--it's nothing crazy if that happens over time. But if nearly all such attempts at meeting people result in this sort of behavior (me being the one and only person reaching out, chronically), I don't consider that anything remotely related to finding friends, associates, or anything. I consider that being a groupie or else a tag-along, and I have no interest in that, and I'd like to make sure that people know it damned well. If I knew of a way to simply and painfully teach the relevant lessons to all those who expect unilateral effort and to those who think I will tolerate flakishness, things might be more tolerable.
Author Lights Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 More and more I despise this place. These things I encounter don't seem to be working hard to improve their own behavior, despite my own continued and thankless efforts and years of playing by their rules. I show up where I go apparently having to gladhand like a damned politician just in hopes of a low-percentage chance of getting even so much as an introduction started, but I'm always left wondering what the hell it takes to get even the most basic initial effort coming my way at all.
Midas Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you're trying too hard? Just be yourself. Loosen up, change your playground. You sound a lot like me, actually, how I thought women were against me no matter what I did. Damned if you do & damned if you don't. Women are not the enemy! They may not need to be conquered...however...unless they like that sort of thing, who knows? It took me years to realize why I was having so much trouble even getting a date. The issue was ME.
Author Lights Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you're trying too hard? Yes, that's precisely the problem. I am trying too hard, and others aren't trying at all. The problem is that I have no choice but to try too hard because if I don't, I guarantee my own isolation regardless of my desires or lack thereof for isolation. How would I teach people that it's time to start getting off their asses and walking straight up and saying something even as dirt-simple as "Hi. My name's Nick...", or sending the simplest of emails? Just be yourself. That's never been in question. Loosen up, change your playground. What does this mean? EDIT: Midas, it looks like you've edited your post and our posts crossed. I'll respond to the rest here... You sound a lot like me, actually, how I thought women were against me no matter what I did. Damned if you do & damned if you don't. Women are not the enemy! They may not need to be conquered...however...unless they like that sort of thing, who knows? It took me years to realize why I was having so much trouble even getting a date. The issue was ME. Though this situation seems to be happening with both genders, I can certainly agree that women are the more egregious transgressors in what I am dealing with. What was the issue then in your case? Regarding conquest, I don't like to bandy around talk of violence, but certainly we can agree that by now it's pretty obvious that the people won't change their ways out of some imaginary "goodness of their hearts", even if I exemplify all that they dare (in their hypocrisy) to expect of me?
Midas Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 [Edit time expired] Maybe you're fishing in the wrong pond. It sounds like you've tried innumerable approaches, but there might be an issue with the lures in your tackle box. What kind of fish are you trying to catch? High-maintenance barracudas? Those are strictly "catch and RELEASE!" Sorry for the off-the-wall analogy. In my case, I found myself attracted to women who I knew I couldn't have (women who hated nice guys). I am drawn to them for some reason which I cannot fathom. My second critical mistake was intentionally shutting myself off. I isolated both physically and emotionally, making myself unavailable. "Changing your playground" = try different spots to either hang out or maybe examine what you're looking for.
Author Lights Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 [Edit time expired] Maybe you're fishing in the wrong pond. It sounds like you've tried innumerable approaches, but there might be an issue with the lures in your tackle box. What kind of fish are you trying to catch? High-maintenance barracudas? Those are strictly "catch and RELEASE!" Sorry for the off-the-wall analogy. In my case, I found myself attracted to women who I knew I couldn't have (women who hated nice guys). I am drawn to them for some reason which I cannot fathom. My second critical mistake was intentionally shutting myself off. I isolated both physically and emotionally, making myself unavailable. "Changing your playground" = try different spots to either hang out or maybe examine what you're looking for. Well, in my case, the place I might I happen to be can vary. It isn't always about hanging out or other social things either; trying to meet new people in things like night classes (not to mention getting them to work with one in good faith) is just as vile; the behaviors I encounter there and in other things are the same. Their one-way b.s. and hypocrisy appear to know no bounds. While I can certainly understand that a good number of people one might encounter could be undesirable (as per your examples), I just don't understand why it's so impossible to have even basic social effort coming my way, whether from new people or from existing "friends".
Midas Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 It finally occurred to me that I had a huge chip on my shoulder the size of a 2x4. I've encountered the type of people who wouldn't give me the time of day. Screw them. They're NOT worth MY time either. I couldn't even begin to explain the antisocial deviance you're describing though. It sounds rough. A geographical relocation might be in order. Big city vs. rural town, etc.
Author Lights Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 It finally occurred to me that I had a huge chip on my shoulder the size of a 2x4. I've encountered the type of people who wouldn't give me the time of day. Screw them. They're NOT worth MY time either. I couldn't even begin to explain the antisocial deviance you're describing though. It sounds rough. A geographical relocation might be in order. Big city vs. rural town, etc. Yeah, I'm doing everything I can to find a way to relocate, hopefully out of the country, once things clear up. I only hope that it works, and that things will be better elsewhere. Someone recently told me that it could be possible that I am unappealing to the types of people who do have the capabilities to perform such basic social reaching-out. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if there's any truth to that, or how to fix that if it turns out to be true.
spiracles Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Uhm, thanks for the response I guess. Maybe I'd have understood it better if it were in English. that right there is your problem. you seem to have this grandiose sense of entitlement, that you are such a prize and the world should bow in recognition of your greatness. if that in and of itself wasn't off-putting enough, when someone is actually trying to be nice to you in spite of it, you are a complete *** to them. quite frankly, i'm shocked nobody has beaten you silly yet. sorry for being brash, but i am just perplexed that you could be perplexed. if i acted like this, i imagine i would be a pariah too.
Author Lights Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 that right there is your problem. you seem to have this grandiose sense of entitlement, that you are such a prize and the world should bow in recognition of your greatness. if that in and of itself wasn't off-putting enough, when someone is actually trying to be nice to you in spite of it, you are a complete *** to them. quite frankly, i'm shocked nobody has beaten you silly yet. sorry for being brash, but i am just perplexed that you could be perplexed. if i acted like this, i imagine i would be a pariah too. Eh? What's so grandiose about simple parity? If you consider inequitable treatment enjoyable, that's your business. Just don't expect me to follow along. Oh, and regarding my earlier response to that poster: i|= 50/\/\30/\/3 53/\/|)5 @ /\/\3554g3 j00 (4/\/7 |_|/\/|)3r574/\/D, \/\/|-|y i5 i7 "831/\/G 4N @55" 70 83 c0/\/|=u53|)? Translation: "If someone sends a message you can't understand, why it is 'being an ass' to be confused?"
Author Lights Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 A geographical relocation might be in order. Big city vs. rural town, etc. Which cities have more people which aren't worthless in this regard? It looks like I might not be able to relocate out of the country anytime soon.
Author Lights Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 I hate this all... I wish I knew a way to teach the people to start holding themselves to their own standards. Am I the only one who finds this so twisted? That if I hold people to the same standards they hold me to, everyone gets ruled out? And no matter how I protest this disgusting situation, I just get ignored with impunity? Years turn to a decade, and no change at all...
Author Lights Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Forgive all the post bumping. Could someone who is in the know please help? Certainly there is at least one person on this forum who has successfully experienced the type of social treatment that still eludes me?
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