Need some perspective on this situation ...

[muffinhead]

This is a bit of a long story, but it will bring you to where I am now. I am a bit up and down..most days are great, and some suck. But I just need some outside thoughts on things...so anything you think I need to hear...please speak up!

 

Ok, so January this year, my husband and I were having a bit of a tiff, as you do. And after me feeling like there was something left unsaid, I pressured him until he caved, and admitted that he had a one night stand a few months previous.

 

Now, I'm not dumb. I knew that he had met this girl (the coffee girl at the petrol station he visited each day on his way to work) and that they had become friendly. I was naive, and really thought it was just friends. Anyway, turns out becoming friends turned into more, and they slept together. So me, being little Ms Innocent, thought ok - thanks for telling me, now I know, so lets move on.

 

So we moved on. A few months later, and I was talking to him in bed and explaining that although it was hard to deal with the hurt and trust issues...that I thought things were going ok and we wer egetting somewhere (he agreed). And then I said something like - and it was only the one time, wasn't it? And he went silent. So i pushed and pushed...and he admitted that no...it wasn't just once, it was quite a few times. Over the course of about 2 months.

 

So as all the story comes out, it turns out that these two started meeting up...she worked near where he worked, and they would meet up at a third location in the afternoons - when she finished work, and he would leave work early. So every so often when their schedules would manage it, they'd go off together.

 

Did I mention that this girl already had a boyfriend? So they were both cheating on their partners. Did I also mention that this girl is 6 years younger than him....and at 27 and 21...when this girl is still living at home with mum....I feel is significant.

 

So the way I see it...our marriage was in a bit of a rut, I was ina bit of a state, being a new young mum and not coping too well. I know I was being a crappy wife in some ways - too tired, not interested, wanting understanding. So I can see why when he met this girl that was interested in him..he would be flattered and flirt back. I totally get that. I know that th excitement and illicitness and fun would all have drawn him in - it sure was better than the lack of fun waiting at home. So I do understand the reasons behind it all, even if forgiveness is still a long way off.

 

The rational side of me knows that the only reason it worked for them...was location, and convenience, and the knowledge that it wouldn't ever go anywhere more than just a fling. They both had partners that they didn't intend to leave -he had a wife, a young child, a life.... she was living with mum, and her boyfriend. It was one of those flash in the pan...lots of excitement, quickly...and then over.

 

So I've heard all the apologies and the rationalisations and we decided to stay together and try to work things out. I know he loves me, and that it was really nothing to do with me - it was all about him, and his ego. I understand that.

 

So anyway...side story. When they had met, while she was the coffee girl, and they were still only friends, she was talking aout trying to find a new job, wasn't getting paid well where she was. My husband told her that his works call centre was always looking for staff and that she shoudl apply there, cos the money was great (which it is). She applied, but didn't hear back. She heard back in January, after the affair was over, and she accepted a job there.

 

They dont' work in the same office...but they are in teh same building, and do run into each other from time to time. He swears that they dont' ever talk beyond the necessary hello, or any work issues. I do want to believe him.

 

He has done everything that I've asked of him. He deleted her contact details from his mobile, he deleted her from his Facebook account, and told her outright that even though things were over...that they couldn't be friends anymore, so no more sms's, no phone calls, no email, no messages...not even normal friendly ones.

 

The only thing that he cant' do it cut off all contact from her. As much as it would be nice to get him to leave and find a new job...realistically it makes no sense for us financially. He is in a great job, great prospects, great money.... None of which he could get elsewhere, because he doesn't have the qualifications. I totally understand all of this, and thats why I haven't pushed him to leave.

 

I just wish she wasn't dumb enough to accept a job there. She is soooo young...and I just dont' think she even gets it. For her, it was just a bit of fun...fooling around with an older married man...and I doubt she ever gave me a second thought.

 

So for the most part, we have been getting on with things since it all came out. Getting along well, talking more, definitely more connected, possibly even better so than we were before the affair. So all pluses there.

 

But here we are...9 months down the track and I still have doubts lingering some days. Whether I am doing the righ tthing - by myself, by our 3 year old son. Most of the time things are really great. I know some marriages do recover after an affair, and we both say that it it what we want. We have started talking about going to marriage counselling...to help us get through the related guilt and trust issues. I really do want to trust him, and I dont' want to be the wife that punishes him for the rest of his life. I can accept that he made a mistake, and was not thinking, and let himself get carried away.

 

The world (media..etc) makes me feel like I should have kicked him to the kerb and never looked back. As much as the idea appeals in the mind...in reality, its not something I want to do. Even if maybe I should.

 

So...what do you think? I know its only my side of things, but in the long run I hope I am doing the right thing by all of us, by giving us a chance to get over it, and work through it. In my mind...I woudl hate to just act on impulse and break up...and look back in a few months/years time and wonder if I should have given it more of a chance, you know?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

If you're willing to give it a chance, and he's willing to do what he has to (according to YOUR rules), then I'd say you're doing the right thing.

 

But you have to stop making excuses for him. He betrayed you in the worst possible way. None of that is your fault. Stop excusing his behavior.

[BCCA]

If this was simply a boyfriend, then I would agree with kicking him to the curb. Seeing as he is your husband, and you have a small child together, I really think you should see if you can make things right. Cheating is terrible, and under most circumstances, a deal breaker. I would insist he went to counseling with you so you can get to the root of the problem and make sure it never happens again.

 

I guess he can't do anything about where he works, and in reality, everytime he leaves your sight there is no way of knowing where he goes. You have to be able to trust him, but obviously that needs to be worked on. If he's willing to do what it takes to make you feel comfortable, I think you're on the right track.

[taylo560]

My ex fiance and i broke up about 4 months ago. We were together for 1 3 months. He was the first to say i love you, the first everything in our relationship. I changed his life in such a positive way, according to him. I basically lived at his house for the 4 out of 7 days a week. Everything was great. He told me i was the woman of his dreams and how he couldnt imagine his life without me. He told me he thought he was in love before but realized after he met me he wasnt. After 5 months he proposed to me out of the blue. We were so happy. However about 10 months later he started becoming a little different. 3 DAYS before he broke up with me he told me how he couldnt wait to marry me and have children with me. Then two weeks later he started seeing a girl completely opposite of me. (a year younger, tattoos, weird piercings) all the kinds of things he said he hated in a girl. However over the last 3 months he has contacted me both drunk and sober. He even made a surprise visit to me while he was dating this girl. We hooked up and he ended up telling me he was deciding between me and her. He visited me again a week later and said he didnt care if I BRoke up with the girl for him Of course i did not. He ended up choosing the girl and said hurtfull things the last time we spoke. Now it is two weeks later and he called me restricted one night after saying he never wanted to talk to me ever again and he hated me. I am so confused. However i know hes told this new girl he loves her just to cover his ass, bc i told her about our secret two meetings. I am just wondering what people think of this?? I still love him, i know i need to move one, but will his current relationship last? IS it a rebound? Does he still care about me?

[Karma101]

Not saying that recovery from an affair is not possible, it's just hard. Search out some forums online about "surviving infidelity" and you'll read some stories detailing just how long and grueling a process of true recovery is. The fact that she works w/ your husband now is BS and will be a major temptation that he faces every single day. There is no way this would be acceptable to ME! He can't find another job... Fine... Let HER find another job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Is he completely transparent with you in terms of sharing his cell phone bills, access to email accounts, passwords, etc.? Are you considering marriage counseling? Infidelity is a symptom of problems in a marriage, and those problems are NOT all of your fault. You were living in the same "so-so" marriage... Did you run off and cheat with some local convenience store clerk?!? Doesn't sound like he is accpeting full responsibility for his actions, just making lots of excuses.

[muffinhead]

I wish she WOULD find another job. But I highly doubt anything I say, or my husband for that matter, would make any difference whatsoever. So its out of my hands.

 

He is transparent with me - and whatever I ask, he gives me an answer. He might not be fully open and invite discussion...but he does let me talk and will tell me what I want to know. Which is a good thing.

 

I handle all the finances in our marriage, so he couldn't hide anything there, I would notice any charges in our bank accounts, credit cards, home phone etc. He does have his work mobile though, and while I dont' keep tabs on it, I have looked at it in the past (which he is aware of). I know his log ins for his private email and facebook and his pc. So I'm not worried there.

 

But even though he has been open and honest since it all came out (or at least..i hope so), I can't help but wonder sometimes if he just started to cover his tracks better. I really dont' think so, but those are the seeds of doubt that jump into my mind sometimes. The fact that they now work together actually makes it harder for them to get together, a whole lot less flexibilty in meeting up. And I do believe him when he says that he is sorry and knows that he screwed things up royally. But it doesn't change the fact that he had feelings for her, and there must be some residual feeling still there, I know feelings dont' just go away because you want them to.

 

We are considering counselling. We've been talking about it almost since the beginning, but I'm only now starting to think that we might actually have to do it. Because no matter how great things (mostly) are...I do think that there ar eprobably issues that need to be dealt with, that we aren't even AWARE of, that a counsellor can help us to see. So I guess...the relationship itself needs some work, so that we can communicate better.

 

I know that the infidelity was a massive symptom of our problems...I know some of the issues were mine, but like you said - I didn't deal with them by running out and doing some random guy. I was at home, waiting for the chance to talk things over...and never getting that chance and being rebuffed over and over. I just wish he had woken up to himself sooner.

 

I think that he has accepted his actions...he doesn't really make those excuses, but we both know what they are. It doesn't make it easier to deal with exactly, but knowing that we both had our private issues at the time...well, it just makes a smidgen more sense than it would have otherwise. He really was running away, from our problems, and from problems in his family (his mum had heart problems and was in hospital for awhile just as this affair was starting...and i'm sure that isn't just coincidence).

 

Anyway I'm not making excuses for him...I just know what they are, and I can understand them, to a degree. I do love him, so I do understand what motivates him (usually) and thats why I'm so willing to try to work things out. If I doubted that he loved me, and didn't want to work things out, it would have been easier to kick him out, as least for a little while.

 

Its all such a mess, I'm just so over thinking about it all.

[Karma101]

He might not be fully open and invite discussion...

 

I'm not sure what you mean by him not being "fully open"...

 

You said in your original post that convenience contributed to the affair. I can't think of anything more convenient than working together.

 

But it doesn't change the fact that he had feelings for her, and there must be some residual feeling still there, I know feelings dont' just go away because you want them to.

 

All the more reason why they should not be working together!

 

Because you are married and have a young child together, I really think you should consider marriage counseling to help you work through these issues... Infidelity cannot be swept under the rug if you want to ensure that it does not happen again. And there's still no guarantees.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know all too well how painful this is to deal with. However, I chose to end my marriage and not look back. Cheating is an absolute deal breaker for me.

[george35]

First of all; you come off as one of the most understanding person, I admire that by the way although I’m not entirely sure why.

I think counseling is good for both of you.

 

This is an old George Burns joke. I’ll try to shorten it;

George admitted to having an affair once while married to his beloved Grace.He felt so terrible that he bought her an extremely expensive ring she had wanted.

Years later he said he overheard Gracie talking to one of her friends, she told her; “I wish George would have an affair again I need a new dining room set

 

I think what your husband did was despicable. I think the worse he feels about it the better, if you let him off the hook I can almost guarantee it will happen again.

 

I cheated on my, now; ex-wife once, a one nighter, she never found out about it and the reason I never told her, and I wanted too, was because I felt like such a low piece of crap I knew I would never do it again and if I told her it would have only served to ease my conscious a bit and that wasn’t worth the hurt it would have caused her. So I lived with it.

 

Ironically we divorced years later because she had several affairs and left me for one of them. I know, some may think I deserved it and maybe I did.

 

My point is; if it was a single affair you may want to give him another chance but I don't think you should let him off easy.

[Karma101]

You didn't mention how you found out about the affair. Did he confess of his own accord or did you find "evidence" that forced him to come clean?

 

I would establish a plan immediately, maybe with the help of an individual counselor for just you that has some expertise in this area. Set some boundaries and be prepared to stick to them. You are setting a precidence here. Like I said, educate yourself via some other forums specific to infidelity. Search the term "false recovery". "Luck favors the prepared!"

[muffinhead]

No, it was a situation where we had both been obviously unhappy for a few months, and I sat down with him one night to talk, and I asked him what his problem was. I did have some inkling that something had happened with coffee girl....I knew that she was messaging him a lot, and it took me a little while to put two and two together and confront him. But he did confess, and this was about a month after it ended.

 

I dont' see how I'm setting a precedence. I mean...it happened. I can't change that. We decided to try to work out whatever lead to it happening. We are doing that. No matter WHAT happens...there are never any guarantees, I get that. I know I'm taking a risk in getting hurt again. But at this point, its a risk that I'm willing to take.

 

We are looking at counselling, and I am looking to have some on my own too.

 

I'm not quite sure what 'boundaries' are expected to be set. What do you suggest?

[muffinhead]

OK, he is fully open, in that whatever I ask of him...he will tell. By not "full open" I meant...he will not bring up the conversation.

 

Ok, I can see how you would think workign together would make it more convenient. But they definitely are not as flexible in being able to spend time together. She works a rotating 12 hour roster, and he is a regular 7-6er. They work in separate parts of the building. He has a wife who definitely has her eyes open. She has a boyfriend. The place where they used to meet is no longer an option. And my husband is in a position of authority, and while he was a dumbass last year...he is well aware of the ethical implications at work.

 

I know they SHOULDN'T be working together. But we can't make her quit, can we?

 

Anyway I'm sure if they WANTED to continue their affair...they woudl find a way.

 

But my point is...I do believe him when he says that it ended, and that he is doing what he needs to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Anyway I definitely don't condone or excuse what he did. But how can I hold on to the anger, if we are trying to make a go of things? I've had a good lot of time being angry, and there is nothing to be gained from being angry about it. I am not sweeping it under the rug...I am making a choice to try to be happy in my relationship, as it stands right now. And right now things are good. Yes, things were really bad, and yes things happened that shouldn't have. His fault for doing it, my fault for closing my eyes to it. But we love each other, so I think its worth trying.

[muffinhead]

I'm not so sure what is so wrong about being understanding? Understanding is not forgiving. I understand why and how it happened. I dont' excuse it, it makes me furious, but I understand the situation that led to it.

 

Yes, it was despicable, and yes, he deserves to feel rotten about it. I dont' doubt that he does feel rotten about it. I have not let him off the hook - it will always be there. No matter what happens, it will never go away, and he has to live with the fact that he caused it.

 

I am always seeing this point - that I can give him another chance, but shouldnt' let him off easy. Exactly HOW do you manage to commit yourself to giving someone another chance, while at the same time continuing to punish them? I don't understand that. Either you are in, or you are out. How woudl either of us ever be happy in our marriage, if I was always making snide comments, or insinuating that I woudl take his son away from him, or that I would take 50% of everything he has, or just generally making him feel miserable about something that he CANNOT change. I dont understand why, if he is genuinely sorry, and understands what led him to it, and is making steps to make sure we are never in that situation....that it would be a bad thing.

[Karma101]

I'm not quite sure what 'boundaries' are expected to be set. What do you suggest?

 

You need to make some rules to rebuild trust. Without trust, you will continue to punish him (and torture yourself) as you will always have doubts in the back of your mind. Only you can decide what your boundaries are. Some examples might be full access to his cell phone (and bill), email account/s, passwords, MySpace, etc.; openess about the affair and discussing the breakdown in your marriage that lead to his infidelity (how can you work on your marriage if you don't clearly identify the problems?); accountability of his time - being home when he says he will and calling when he's going to be late, etc. I'm sure you can identify some behaviors that would help you begin to trust him again. By setting a precidence, I mean make the consequences for violating these behaviors very clear and be prepared to act accordingly. No empty threats. He'll know that all he has to do is apologize, send some flowers, sleep in the guest room for a week, etc. to win you back...eventually.

 

I don't think being understanding is necessarily a bad thing. But don't be naive or a doormat either. I am not saying to not give him another chance. But understand that the odds are against you. Recovery from infidelity is a tough process. Statistics say that only 30% of marriages survive an affair. You guys are young, newly married with a young child. Do yourselves a favor... Go to counseling. Get some guidance on how to deal with this situation that is best for both of you and your marriage.

 

Some will say to leave. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Others will say that a marriage, especially with a child, is worth fighting for and people can change. Only you can decide what is best for YOU.

 

I don't care if he says he's sorry. What does he DO is SHOW you that he's sorry. Does his actions parallel his words? In your heart, do you truly believe that he is remorseful for his actions and hurting you and your child, or do you think he's saying what he has to say to just smooth things over?

[muffinhead]

Ok, all of those boundaries you mentioned are things that are already being done. I know all of his logins and passwords, we do talk about our relationship and he does keep in touch with me during his work day, to touch base, and to let me know his day, and when he'll be home. And not in a "my wife is checking up on me kind of way". Its the way it used to be...back in the beginning, when we woudl always talk during our work days.

 

The consequences thing is something I know I struggle with. When he first told me, I packed his suitcase while he was asleep. Then he woke up and we talked all through the early hours and kind of reached some resolution of trying to move forward. He didn't know I had packed it at that point. But in the morning when he saw it...we decided it was better for him to stay, and to keep talking to me, than for him to go somewhere, and probably not talk.

 

I know that I need to be clear and definite about things. I dont' want him to think that he can placate me with words, and tell me what I want to hear, and expect me to be ok with that.

 

I do think I probably am a bit of a doormat. I didn't kick him out, although I did think about it a few times. I know I need to have a bit more self respect.

 

I know the odds are against us, I really do know that. We have spoken about counselling, and thats a phone call I am going to try to make today. We just can't keep talking about going...we have to actually go.

 

He is showing that he is sorry for waht he did, and for what was happenign in our home life at the time. He used to live and die by his laptop, and pda and mobile phone. He no longers brings his laptop home from work, and his pda is gathering dust. He is really making an effort to BE at home, when he is at home - and not just a lump in the corner. Which is a big thing, and something that I appreciate a lot. He is present. He is much more communicative....he will tell me when he is stressed, and keep me involved, instead of shutting me out. He does not hide away in the study at night time, like he used to. He is THERE. We are spending much more quality time together, and he is realising that he needs to put time into *us*, instead of on the backburner until *later*.

 

I do believe that he is genuinely sorry for hurting me. But I do also think he is a people pleaser, and is trying to smooth things over. I think in his mind, they may be one and the same. He has been working to make me feel happy.

 

But I know he hasn't been punished for this. He didn't lose me, he didn't lose his son, his house, his finances. All he has lost is his OW, and my total faith and trust in him. I do feel guilty that I didn't kick him out, I think I should have stood up for myself more, and not been so easy to please with words and physical love.

 

Anyway. I know we need to go to counselling and find out what the underlying issues are, and deal with them.

[Karma101]

Recovery from infidelity is not about punishing the spouse who betrayed you, but forgiving as best you can to put your marriage back together. Some can do this, some can't. I couldn't.

 

If you can't go to counseling right now, for whatever reason, there are some great books you can read to get you started...

[george35]

I'm not so sure what is so wrong about being understanding? Understanding is not forgiving. I understand why and how it happened. I dont' excuse it, it makes me furious, but I understand the situation that led to it.

 

Yes, it was despicable, and yes, he deserves to feel rotten about it. I dont' doubt that he does feel rotten about it. I have not let him off the hook - it will always be there. No matter what happens, it will never go away, and he has to live with the fact that he caused it.

 

I am always seeing this point - that I can give him another chance, but shouldnt' let him off easy. Exactly HOW do you manage to commit yourself to giving someone another chance, while at the same time continuing to punish them? I don't understand that. Either you are in, or you are out. How woudl either of us ever be happy in our marriage, if I was always making snide comments, or insinuating that I woudl take his son away from him, or that I would take 50% of everything he has, or just generally making him feel miserable about something that he CANNOT change. I dont understand why, if he is genuinely sorry, and understands what led him to it, and is making steps to make sure we are never in that situation....that it would be a bad thing.

 

I think I may have gotten the wrong impression by how I was reading your thread that you where going to; make believe it didn’t happen.

 

It sounds like you have the right attitude to make it work, I commend you for that. I didn’t mean that you should make his every waking moment a living hell. He either feels terrible or he doesn't

 

And you are right, It will never be the same, not for a very long time.

 

Good luck to you and your H,