Snooping. Talk some sense into me

[officegirl]

I have always thought that snooping around your significant other's belongings is wrong. For 2 reasons. 1- It is obviously an invasion of privacy. 2- You will always find something that makes you feel bad but may not necessarily be terrible in the grand scheme of things. Actually 3 reasons. 3- If you do find something terrible, you have to own up to how you found out.

 

The reason I ask is I because I am fighting a hard battle to not snoop through my significant other's cell phone. As great as things are between us, my SO has some weird stuff going on (see: texts at odd hours, other people just being a little too flirty with them) that freak me out a little. A lot sometimes. Despite this, I am very happy in my relationship and don't want to screw anything up by being too paranoid. But I also don't want to sit idly by while something could be going on that I could easily uncover with a quick check of the phone.

 

The idea of it totally goes against my normal code. Has anyone else out there found anything useful by snooping? By useful, I mean something that uncovered some shady goings on and led to you getting out of a relationship with a cheater? Has anyone ever had a bad experience as a result of snooping? Thoughts in general?

[malibustacydoll]

I snooped in my boyfriend's phone a few months after we started dating. I knew his ex was still trying to talk to him and wanted to be with him still. I was drunk at the time, however, I found texts that were sent that she wanted to see him. I then saw texts he sent to her saying he was on his way over. This led me to wonder a lot. He should of told me if he was still seeing her, even if they were just hanging out. I believe it was very inappropriate. She messaged him a lot on facebook fairly recently.

 

I find myself every so often checking up because I have his password. He also has my password too and I wouldn't be offended if he looked at my account every now and then. I have nothing to hide, and neither should he. Looking gives me a piece of mind. Plus, I believe if you look at you find nothing, then it can only make things better. You may look twice one week and when you find nothing wait another month before you look again. I believe it helps me build trust by just knowing that nothing is on there.

 

I would suggest trusting him if you can without looking. However, if you do look and find nothing it can definitely give you a piece of mind.

[superd]

Crap, it is very scary but I think you should fess' up and apologize. Face it, you overstepped your boundaries and his and it is like a sickness that needs to be cured. Once you look back, you will realize it was no big deal and he will likely forgive you. Sometimes curiosity kills the cat, but don't listen to people that say snooping is a good idea.

[officegirl]

I haven't done it yet. Just contemplating.

[wareagle]

I wish I would have snooped on my ex! Maybe it would have saved me some heartache and dignity! She was always hiding her phone. Come to find out she was having an emotional affair with someone we work with! Ended up sleeping with him when we were on a break!!

 

It's a tough situation to be in! I now believe that I should have trusted my instincts!

[allanDR]

I looked at my ex's facebook as she had told me her password and found out she had drunkenly ****ed some dude. I hid the knowledge for way too long until it eventually came out in the worst way, then found out she cheated on me again (possibly several times) by snooping.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: I'm not sure. I would still be dating the girl I loved if I hadn't. I'd be perfectly happy. I never had any suspicions. But now I know what sort of person she is. I really think you shouldn't do it. Know thyself.

[Mike B.]

I looked at my ex's facebook as she had told me her password and found out she had drunkenly ****ed some dude. I hid the knowledge for way too long until it eventually came out in the worst way, then found out she cheated on me again (possibly several times) by snooping.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: I'm not sure. I would still be dating the girl I loved if I hadn't. I'd be perfectly happy. I never had any suspicions. But now I know what sort of person she is. I really think you shouldn't do it. Know thyself.

 

 

I agree with this Allan. Before I began dating my ex GF one year ago, I made a promise to myself to be incredibly trustful in our relationship. She would leave me at her home and I would not touch any thing or looked any where I wasn't suppose to. She would leave open her email account and I would close it without taking a look.

 

That was up until earlier this month. All summer she began acting unsual. I would never see her cell phone around and sometimes I would even find it hidden in weird places. This sort of behavior was just the tip of the iceberg. It got to a point that I just strongly felt like something was just not right. I looked through her cellphone and found out she had been cheating on me.

 

They say if you snoop, you will always find something you wish you hadn't but I am glad I looked through that phone. Although what I found absolutely blew me away because I just didn't feel like she would cheat on me, I am relieved to not have to wonder why she was acting the way she was anymore. I know the answer now and left before I invested anymore of my heart into that relationship.

 

Snooping is definitely a double-edged sword though.

[D-Lish]

Crap, it is very scary but I think you should fess' up and apologize. Face it, you overstepped your boundaries and his and it is like a sickness that needs to be cured. Once you look back, you will realize it was no big deal and he will likely forgive you. Sometimes curiosity kills the cat, but don't listen to people that say snooping is a good idea.

 

huh?

 

Snooping isn't something I'd recommend. But it's not a sickness (lol). I think it's a knee-jerk reaction to feeling that something is off in the relationship. Your automatic reaction is to calm your suspicions.

 

The thought itself is normal... but acting on it could create further trust issues between you.

 

You say you have a gut feeling that something is up. Never ignore your gut feeling...

 

DO you have trust issues in general, or is this something that has come up because of the recent string of bothersome happenings?

 

My suggestion would be to ask to see the 3am text the next time it happens. I'd be straight up and say- you've got a bad feeling about it and would like to see who is texting you. That's direct.

 

If he gets defensive- then I'd say there is a problem.

 

I would not not be offended if my bf wanted to know who was texting me so late. If I had nothing to hide- I'd show him.

 

Snooping will deepen any trust issues- but being direct will give you an opportunity to confront it as it is happening (at the time of the late night text). It will also give you more peace knowing you didn't invade his privacy.

[allanDR]

I think there comes a point in most relationships where you feel like it may be necessary to do it. But it should really never come to that point, in theory, but that's kind of insane. There's no easy answer to this. I felt like I NEEDED to find out, whether or not I really did, who knows? Just realize that when it comes to a point where you're even suspicious, seriously rethink whether you want to be in the relationship. If you feel like you MUST do it, do it because we can't stop you, but don't do it unless it's really eating your heart out.

 

I eventually admitted to my GF that I did after I broke up with her, and while she completely understood why I did it, she also fell out of love with me.

 

It's nuts. Sometimes honesty gets you nowhere and people really don't deserve to know the truth.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Hmm Ive been there.

 

Actually, I had a bunch of little happening that in and of themselves werent a big deal, I mean they made me wonder when they did happen (just little comments etc) but overall I tried to push them away.

However, as others have said trust ur gut feeling. I did, and one night i couldnt handle it anymore. Waited for my bf to fall asleep and took a look in his cell.

 

Sure enough, there were a few dirty texts to some random chick

 

That ended in a harsh break up, though later we talked and he explained to me what they were (something about his friends and him messing with some girl's head, totally not appropiate, but not cheating). It took us two months to get thru all that but I am definitely glad I found out and nipped it in the bud. However I wish I had gone about it some other way.

 

Snooping create a bit of a dependency on checking up on them. After we got back together I still snooped once in a while, until i decided that if i couldnt trust him then there was no reason to be with him. I have since stopped and just leave it to his conscience.

 

Bassically, usually people tell on themselves. That along with your gut feeling should be enough to talk to him about what's going on.

 

Good luck, and know that if he isnt what you need, much better to drop him and keep on looking

[KinAZ]

What if you look and the messages are deleted? Although in some cases it is because the person is hiding something, there are people like me who delete messages just to prevent the build up. Texts at odd hours? Why not ask in a non-naggy way?

 

The thing about snooping isn't just the chance of finding anything, but the chance of not finding anything. It could turn into a regular habit, and something hard to break. It might not be a one time deal. Maybe because you just didn't see anything, or maybe because the evidence wasn't good enough.

 

I know that sometimes when people snoop it's because something really is going on, but I still think that honesty is the best policy. If there is something that makes you uncomfortable, find a way to talk with him about it. Don't attack, just see how he responds. See if the two of you can meet a compromise.

 

Either you don't trust him because you can't, or there is something missing from the situation that would make you feel more secure, in most cases. Try not to feed your insecurities, as it only makes them larger. If you're not sure, either find a way to put it out of your head (which I don't think is a great idea), find a way to address the matter, or walk away from the relationship.

 

Either find a way to build the trust or don't be with him. Snooping will only break the trust, I think.

[Vertex]

I really hate making long posts because I feel like people just skip over things if they're long.

 

The problem is that it's a matter of means and ends. We say the ends justify the means if we find something, but not if we don't? Is it only acceptable to snoop when we know we will likely find something? It's a question I've wrestled with for a long time. My ex-gf from a few years back was showing very suspicious behavior, and was contradicting herself and getting caught up in various lies. At the same time, we had been becoming distant. Something was obviously up.

 

I basically gained access into her Email and looked for myself, and was able to verify that my concerns were indeed valid and that I was right. It really angered me that I was bringing up all these completely accurate points only to have her blatantly lie to me. Was I right in doing so? Probably not.

 

I mean, it's easy to pick up a wicked stench coming from the trash can, but somehow it's not okay to look inside the can to see what's causing it. Do we really need to look into that can to verify what we probably know to be true? How do we know we aren't just imagining that scent when the can is actually empty?

 

 

If there is a problem, I try to talk it out first if I see warning signs. I try to logically figure out what's going on in order to best rectify things. If the problem continues, try again. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and don't jump to conclusions.

 

However, once they start tripping up, that's a problem. Whether that be changing their story or blatantly lying or making up extraordinarily elaborate excuses or justifying things with unusual logic... it's the sort of thing that gets your gut instincts going. When this happens, you can usually get at the root by putting yourself in two positions.

 

1. Assume he/she is telling the truth. How would you EXPECT them to approach the situation? How does this differ from how they ARE approaching it? Are those differences even valid?

 

2. Assume he/she is a lying sack of poo. How would you EXPECT them to try to cover up their ass? What sort of excuses would you come up with in the same position?

 

The answers to both of those questions can help you determine if the other person is possibly being honest with you or if they are seriously just trying to lie their way out of something. Usually, obvious dishonesty and contradictions can, alone, be justification enough to end a relationship -- no snooping needed.

 

I really regret that I snooped before, because I feel like it didn't help anything and it didn't change the fact that the relationship was already in the crapper. So what if I was right? Things were clearly in trouble as they were, and me invading her privacy was not going to change that. She had been CLEARLY dishonest with me, lying straight to my face -- that alone should have been enough to indicate that if something WERE going on behind the scenes, she wasn't going to tell me about it. Likewise, all the warning signs indicated that there was something she was hiding.

 

Again, do you really need to look in a foul trash bin to verify that there is indeed trash inside? If you can smell it from a mile away, you know there's something bad present, no matter what someone may say to try to persuade you otherwise. Move on to something more refreshing.

[D-Lish]

Again, do you really need to look in a foul trash bin to verify that there is indeed trash inside? If you can smell it from a mile away, you know there's something bad present, no matter what someone may say to try to persuade you otherwise. Move on to something more refreshing

 

Probably not V... We don't have to look... ME? I never do look.

I run away on instinct that something is amiss.

 

Some people do need to dig through the trash for the evidence they already know is there.

 

I am not one of thos people- but some people need to see for themselves.

[sandrawg]

As great as things are between us, my SO has some weird stuff going on (see: texts at odd hours, other people just being a little too flirty with them) that freak me out a little. A lot sometimes. Despite this, I am very happy in my relationship and don't want to screw anything up by being too paranoid. But I also don't want to sit idly by while something could be going on that I could easily uncover with a quick check of the phone.

 

The idea of it totally goes against my normal code. Has anyone else out there found anything useful by snooping? By useful, I mean something that uncovered some shady goings on and led to you getting out of a relationship with a cheater? Has anyone ever had a bad experience as a result of snooping? Thoughts in general?

 

I can tell you about my experiences, but first I'd ask: what's wrong with just asking your SO outright, who's texting you this late?

 

What's going on with >the person who's being flirty<? But not in an accusatory tone, just calmly asking.

 

Ok, here are my experiences. I've only snooped twice, via email that I didn't even have to break into, and both times because I suspected the things my SO were telling me were BS. Both times, I found unpleasant info.

 

Both times, the SO forgave me for snooping; then again, they were doing stuff they weren't supposed to! My current bf was contacting his ex-gf. The other ex was flirting with some other girl, and also trying to hook up with girls from his gym.

 

Just be aware-you can't go backwards, and you gotta be prepared to follow up on what you find. You might end up having to leave. But frankly, I'm glad I snooped, cuz I had no idea I was dating such LIARS. Snooping showed me the truth.

[officegirl]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the feedback.

 

I'm not necessarily opposed to flat out asking and he and I have in fact covered some of this ground already. The flirting in general. I think he has made some progress but I am naturally on high alert because of how out of hand it got before.

 

I have such a struggle right now trying to decide if what I am feeling is a gut instinct or just extreme paranoia. Most of you have said that in your situation, you did in fact find things via email and phones that weren't on the up and up. And most of the time when you ask outright, you won't get a truthful answer. I am generally good at sniffing out lies but sometimes people make them hard to contest which is why I am so eager for irrefutable proof. Does that make sense?

 

Someone mentioned trying to think out how a person should be reacting verses how they are reacting as a measure of truthfulness. I like that idea but it requires timing.

[Lucky_One]

If Dante believes that there are seven levels of hell, then I can believe that there are 7 levels of misbehavior.

 

I believe that cheating is worse than snooping. So I think you get a bye for snooping if you discover something bad. But if you discover nothing, then you get to feel guilty and apologetic for distrusting, so you get some punishment for that bad behavior.

 

I'd look. But I was always the kid who snooped for Christmas presents, too.

[sandrawg]

If Dante believes that there are seven levels of hell, then I can believe that there are 7 levels of misbehavior.

 

I believe that cheating is worse than snooping. So I think you get a bye for snooping if you discover something bad. But if you discover nothing, then you get to feel guilty and apologetic for distrusting, so you get some punishment for that bad behavior.

 

I'd look. But I was always the kid who snooped for Christmas presents, too.

 

My current bf-you cannot believe, I was raving to everyone about how honest he was. Because he'd tell me things he really didn't have to tell me...like, that his ex was sending him sexy pics.

 

That's why I asked him to cut off contact with her. He swore he told her to leave him alone. Then a month later, she sends him a Christmas text message. Then a New Year's message. Then he tells me, she's IM'ing him but he's ignoring it. I got irritated over this, like wtf? Why isn't she doing what he asked her to do? But I didn't really make a big deal about it.

 

Then we broke up for a different reason. He hooked up with her, like RIGHT AWAY. But decided to get back with my RIGHT AWAY. Weird, huh?

 

I actually did let him talk me into getting back with him but the caveat was, LOSE THE EX. He didn't...not for a long time, so of course, I wanted to find out what was really going on. He left his email open on my computer, so of course I looked at his emails and chats with the ex. That's when I found out they'd been contacting each other since well before our breakup.

 

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. That's all I can tell you. Trust your gut.

[sandrawg]

Oh, and btw...if I had found NOTHING, I wouldn't have confessed to snooping. Why stir up that can of worms?

 

That being said, I would not then snoop again. I wouldn't let it get out of control.

 

Someone told me once, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I think that's a little extreme but is true on some level.