From GF to the OW...

[Karma101]

I think I officially belong here now, much to my heartbreak and shame. Long story short... Dated a man for about 9 months who was separated from his wife. They had been separated for about 6 months before I met him. She cheated on him and con't this affair throughout their separation. Anyway, we dated casually for several months (as I was recently divorced myself) just getting to know each other. We finally became exclusive and the relationship progressed. Him and his W had been married for almost 20 years and have 3 teenage children together. Anyway, almost 3 weeks ago (and less than 1 week before their divorce mediation), his W broke up w/ her BF and decided she wanted to try and reconcile. Literally, overnight. Up until this time, their correspondence had been barely civil. Anyway, he agreed that he wanted to work on his marriage and could not proceed w/ D without knowing he had done everything he could to save his M/family. Although not my preferred outcome, I completely understand, though I am totally heartbroken. Anyway, we agreed NC, obviously. I have seen him twice since our break up almost 3 weeks ago and we have remained in close contact via text and IM,mostly initiated by him. Almost daily. It's usually casual and playful. Though he has not moved back in with his W, they con't to see each other and work on their marriage. Maybe he has con't contact w/ me because he doesn't believe she has gone NC w/ her xBF. Maybe it's some type of passive revenge for her cheating on him. I don't know. All he says about their reconciliation is that it's hard and trust is a huge issue. And maybe he's just trying to keep me around in case things with his W don't work out. I have to admit, I still love him deeply and would go back to him in a heartbeat if they were to D. But as things stand, I guess this is turning out to be an EA and I'm the OW?!? Ugh. I feel like crap. I don't want this, but I don't want to let him go. Selfish, I know. I'm quite sure if she knew we were still in contact and the content of our conversations, she might not be inclined to work on the marriage. I feel like our realtionship, secondary to her cheating on him and kicking him out of the house, has turned into an affair.

 

I honestly never imagined she would come back based on what he had told me about their history and the affair and prolonged separation (almost 1.5 yrs). He said that no one's more surprised by her sudden change of heart than him. They literally talked about this on a Wednesday and announced their reconciliation to the kids on Friday of that same week. Wow.

 

In my head, I know what I should do, but my heart is slow to follow. Have I officially become the OW?

[Reggie]

Well, I think you can distinguish this from a situation where they were not seperated and in the process of divorcing. Seems there was no subterfuge, at least on your part.

But, (and I know this sounds clinical) the guy is a poor risk for a future relationship even if he does D. Why not go NC , lessen the continuing pain, and , after you heal up, date single guys?

[Lizzie60]

I find it strange that after such a long separation and that his W had a bf.. he is still willing to take her back.. If I were you.. I would forget about him... he just told you who he's in love with.. he still loves her very much.. that would be a turn-off if I were in your shoes..

[whichwayisup]

I honestly never imagined she would come back based on what he had told me about their history and the affair and prolonged separation (almost 1.5 yrs). He said that no one's more surprised by her sudden change of heart than him. They literally talked about this on a Wednesday and announced their reconciliation to the kids on Friday of that same week. Wow.

 

You need to be honest with not only yourself, but with him and tell him to stop contacting you, so you can heal and move on. He did a 180 on you, one minute you two were in a relationship, next minute he changed his mind and is now back home with his wife, rejoicing with their kids.

 

You have no control here, or how things goes with them, only thing you have control over is you and your reactions to this, how you handle it.

 

It is wrong of him to be contacing you, even though texts, emails and keeping your hopes up. Tell him to contact you ONLY after they divorce, and then you'll consider dating him. Until then, go full on NC mode. You have to, otherwise you'll get hurt badly.

[Lucky_One]

I am pretty cynical about affairs now, but for what it's worth, I would really really doubt that they have had only a few barely civil conversations in 15 months and that this was a sudden, overnight thing.

 

He clearly was not even close to being over her; if he was, he would have said "No thanks" to her suggestion. And for a man to leave my bed and go back to a woman who cheated on him? Nope, not in this new and improved lifetime!

 

Separated 15 months? He should have been THRILLED to go to divorce mediaction if he really loved you.

 

I would go strict NC and not expect to ever hear from him as a single man.

[Karma101]

You all are right. I know. The door to reconciliation, I realize now, was always open in his mind... He just never thought she would actually come through it. I can't compete with that kind of history.

 

I guess what really hurts is that we were in a relationship. We were together every single day. I spent quite a bit of time with his kids. We were making future plans together. From everything that I saw and from what he said, there really was barely civil contact between them, for the most part. Sometimes downright nasty. Up until the end, she lived with the BF. And yet, when reality set in w/ the divorce finally going through, and she came around... He went back with no hesitation, with no thought. It doesn't feel like he even considered me as an option. Obvously I realize now that he still loves her, very much. But he also told me how much he loved me. I got the whole I'm "in love" with you, but still love her and think I could be "in love" with her again.

 

I know I need to let him go. Even if things don't work out between them w/ this reconciliaton (and let's face it, the odds are against them), he has/will have some serious emotional issues to deal with and not be ready to resume a relationship with me, or anyone else, anytime soon.

 

I'm just sad.

[GPFan]

I know I need to let him go. Even if things don't work out between them w/ this reconciliaton (and let's face it, the odds are against them), he has/will have some serious emotional issues to deal with and not be ready to resume a relationship with me, or anyone else, anytime soon.

 

I'm just sad.

You have every right to be sad and grieve the end of your relationship.

 

You are wise to realise he wasn't emotionally done with his ex-wife and would need time to address his feelings even if/when he does dissolve this marriage.

 

You have learnt a lot which will serve you well in future relationships.

[Adunaphel]

I am stunned that he did such a 180 on you - it was very selfish and deceitful of him to make you believe he was fully committed to you while he still harbored in his heart hope of reconciliating with his W.

I commend you for being so understanding, I don't know many people who would in a similar situation.

I can believe that he was stunned and taken aback by his W's sudden change of heart... but what about his own *immediate* change of mind and the fact that he ditched the relationship with you like it was disposable??

Had he been an honest person, you could have at least put such an outcome into account. But it seems like he withold very important information from you. (I am assuming he did not warn you that he might ditch you if his W decided to take him back).

I second other posters' advice to cut all contact with him. He certainly is no relationship material at the moment. And he behaved very badly towards you.

[Geishawhelk]

yes, I'm afriad I'm adding my voice to the chorus....

 

he's playing you.

Keeping you in abeyance in case it does go belly-up with her.

 

That's just not nice.

If he was going back with his wife, he should have ssent you flowers, a box of chocolates, grovelling apologies and a sincere and heartfelt request that you forgive him, go on with your life and be happy.

 

But he's playing yo-yo with you-you....

 

Cut the string.

Roll away under the sofa, to the back, where all the fluffy bits, odd piece of jigsaw, and red leggo bit all meet up and chat.....

 

He can't get you there.

[Karma101]

I am stunned that he did such a 180 on you - it was very selfish and deceitful of him to make you believe he was fully committed to you while he still harbored in his heart hope of reconciliating with his W.

I commend you for being so understanding, I don't know many people who would in a similar situation.

I can believe that he was stunned and taken aback by his W's sudden change of heart... but what about his own *immediate* change of mind and the fact that he ditched the relationship with you like it was disposable??

Had he been an honest person, you could have at least put such an outcome into account. But it seems like he withold very important information from you. (I am assuming he did not warn you that he might ditch you if his W decided to take him back).

I second other posters' advice to cut all contact with him. He certainly is no relationship material at the moment. And he behaved very badly towards you.

 

I honestly don't feel like he was deceitful about still harboring feelings for his wife. He never wanted the marriage to end. Before leaving the house, they attempted MC. She con't the affair. My feeling was that he had come to accept the end of his marriage and that it was time to proceed with the divorce and move on with his life because she had no desire in ever reconciling, or even attempting such. This is why we took things slow. We talked open and honestly about the circumstances of his marriage and pending divorce. He was definitely a work in progress.

 

I am less surprised at his willingness to work on his marriage, than how quickly he made this decision. In just a couple of days. And forget choosing me, I am more surprised that he did not choose himself. I know there are many factors driving his decision, in addition to his actual feelings for her... his children, history, jealousy, control, ego, financial, etc. And what's driving her? Who knows. Her sudden change of heart is more than a bit suspicious, but I guess that's really none of my business.

 

And as for our conitinued contact, for someone who jumped at the opportunity to reconcile, he's taking a big chance by keeping in touch with me... He may end up being his own worst enemy here.

[whichwayisup]

He probably buried his feelings for his wife and when she came back, wanting to give the marriage another shot, those feelings came back up. I don't think he led you on - I'm sure while he was with you, he had genuine feelings for you and did care alot.. But what you two shared together wasn't enough to keep him with you when given an opportunity to be back with his wife, reunit his family under one roof.

 

As much as it will kill you, YOU need to be the one to enforce NC and stick to it. Block him.

[Owl]

Break off ALL contact with him...completely.

 

NC= NO contact...not 'no physical contact'

 

As you've said...even if you're not 'with' him physically, you're still engaged emotionally, and continuing to communicate with each other.

 

Its not fair to his wife, and its certainly not fair to you either.

 

Tell him its OVER...block him from your contacts, and move on.

 

THEN you'll be able to start to heal.

[Karma101]

Is it bad that I could care less that our continued contact is "unfair" to her?!? She's the one who had the affair. But I do care that it's unfair to me. I do want him to be happy, even if that's not with me. I deserve to be more than an alternate, and then when an IM from him pops up, my heart melts a bit. I'm an idiot.

[Reggie]

I'd bet dollars to doughnuts it's the kids that influenced him the most. My XW is a serial cheater and, astinishingly, for a long time, I would have attempted to reconcile. I had no love for her after all the pain she caused. But, I felt I could force myself to stay with her for the kids. In retrospect, I'm glad I did not have the option. Parents usually feel such a strong attachemen t to their kids and want them to have a normal home. What BS's that reconcile don't know a lot of the time is that there can be no normalcy after an affair.

[Lookingforward]

Is it bad that I could care less that our continued contact is "unfair" to her?!? She's the one who had the affair. But I do care that it's unfair to me. I do want him to be happy, even if that's not with me. I deserve to be more than an alternate, and then when an IM from him pops up, my heart melts a bit. I'm an idiot.

 

No, it's not bad you don't feel it's unfair to her, but you are right about it being unfair to you. He's made his choice, you need to stick to NC for your own sake.

[Lucky_One]

Affairs are NOT fun for the most part, and if you are unhappy about being in one from the beginning and constantly want more from him, you are guaranteed to be miserable, possibly destroying your self esteen, to boot.

 

Good luck, bc it is apparent that you are going to continue all contact possible with him, no matter what.

[Karma101]

Good luck, bc it is apparent that you are going to continue all contact possible with him, no matter what.

 

Then apparently I have been misunderstood. I know that I have to discontinue all contact with him. He has made his choice, and it's not me. I get it. The intent of my post was not to justify continued contact with him or having an affair now that he has decided to return to his marriage. I was just venting, trying to get my feelings out. Maybe trying to get a bit mad to help me along. I'm human though. Our relationship was not an affair. I obviously have pretty sincere feelings here and am just hurt. No one wants to feel 2nd best.

[winter]

No one wants to feel 2nd best.

 

You said it sister!

 

He was probably never over her. He was unfair to you and to any other woman he dated while he was separated.

[Lookingforward]

Then apparently I have been misunderstood. I know that I have to discontinue all contact with him. He has made his choice, and it's not me. I get it. The intent of my post was not to justify continued contact with him or having an affair now that he has decided to return to his marriage. I was just venting, trying to get my feelings out. Maybe trying to get a bit mad to help me along. I'm human though. Our relationship was not an affair. I obviously have pretty sincere feelings here and am just hurt. No one wants to feel 2nd best.

 

Karma, just accept that there are those here who will always consider it an affair, even though the MM was separated.

 

He may not have set out to deceive you about his feelings, perhaps he was lying to himself about those as much as to you. He obviously never expected that door to ever re-open.

 

It IS selfish of him however to try to continue contact with you under these circumstances.

[Owl]

If he's continuing the relationship while he's reconciling with his wife...its an affair.

[Lookingforward]

But it wasn't an affair until then........ and even now apparently it's more EA than PA, if that

 

The contact isn't physical.

[Karma101]

I realize that there are betrayed spouses here who will find offense to my situation. I do not mean to belittle or disrespect anyone's own heartache. My own XH cheated on me. I do understand how devastating infidelity is.

 

Thank you LF for your kind words. Yes, I believe he was a bit delusional about his true feelings for his W, but not in a deceptive way that was meant to trick me. Maybe he tried to push them aside. Maybe he felt like he "shouldn't" have these feelings for her due to her infidelity. I don't know. At any rate, her desire to reconcile brought his feelings back to the surface and he needs to deal with them, whatever the final outcome may be.

 

I know there will be varying opinions about dating someone who is not yet legally separated. Let me make it clear... I will never put myself in this situation again. The risk for heartache is just not worth it. I feel comfortable in my decision to have dated this man as he had been physically separated for over a year and had also lived in separate BRs prior to his even moving out. I do not regret my relationship with this man. I am deeply in love with him. She is lucky to have him.

 

Yes, I know continued contact with him is wrong and it MUST stop, and it will. Immediately. I realize that continued contact w/ me is as destructive to his marital reconciliation as his wife continuing contact with the OM. Yes, I know all about the withdrawl phase of NC and recognize that he is experiencing those feelings for me right now, as she is probably experiencing similar feelings for the OM.

 

But I also stand by my own feelings of shock and disbelief with regard to the outcome of this situation. I feel like I was punched in the gut. I saw the mediation paperwork addressed to both parties. He completed a divorce parenting class required in our state to even file. He attended his pre-mediation appointment. We looked at real estate in a specific area that he hoped to purchase in after the divorce was final. Less than a month ago, he anticiapted things being done by the end of this year. All signs pointed to him going through w/ his divorce and his wife was still in a relationship with the OM to boot. I don't believe I acted inappropriately in my case. I just don't. I do accept that circumstances have changed though, as much as it hurts. And once again, I realize he has made his choice. Loud and clear. I am not trying to change his mind. Our relationship is over. I will maintain NC as I know it's the right thing to do, and through my own tears, I wish him the best.

[Karma101]

But it wasn't an affair until then........ and even now apparently it's more EA than PA, if that

 

The contact isn't physical.

 

There has been NO physical contact of any kind since their decision to reconcile. Our contact has been casual/friendly. There has been some "Yes, its' hard." "I still think about you." "I miss you.", but he has never waffled on his decision to reconcile. He does not give me false hope of any kind. Would his wife approve of us talking? No, no more than he would approve of her continuing to talk to the OM/xBF.

[NoIDidn't]

Is it bad that I could care less that our continued contact is "unfair" to her?!? She's the one who had the affair. But I do care that it's unfair to me. I do want him to be happy, even if that's not with me. I deserve to be more than an alternate, and then when an IM from him pops up, my heart melts a bit. I'm an idiot.

 

Its not fair to you, more than anything. When he decided to work on his M, he should have respected you enough to not try to bring you into it with him.

 

Yes, I believe he was a bit delusional about his true feelings for his W, but not in a deceptive way that was meant to trick me. Maybe he tried to push them aside. Maybe he felt like he "shouldn't" have these feelings for her due to her infidelity. I don't know. At any rate, her desire to reconcile brought his feelings back to the surface and he needs to deal with them, whatever the final outcome may be.

 

I know there will be varying opinions about dating someone who is not yet legally separated. Let me make it clear... I will never put myself in this situation again. The risk for heartache is just not worth it. I feel comfortable in my decision to have dated this man as he had been physically separated for over a year and had also lived in separate BRs prior to his even moving out. I do not regret my relationship with this man. I am deeply in love with him. She is lucky to have him.

 

Yes, I know continued contact with him is wrong and it MUST stop, and it will. Immediately. I realize that continued contact w/ me is as destructive to his marital reconciliation as his wife continuing contact with the OM. Yes, I know all about the withdrawl phase of NC and recognize that he is experiencing those feelings for me right now, as she is probably experiencing similar feelings for the OM.

 

But I also stand by my own feelings of shock and disbelief with regard to the outcome of this situation. I feel like I was punched in the gut. I saw the mediation paperwork addressed to both parties. He completed a divorce parenting class required in our state to even file. He attended his pre-mediation appointment. We looked at real estate in a specific area that he hoped to purchase in after the divorce was final. Less than a month ago, he anticiapted things being done by the end of this year. All signs pointed to him going through w/ his divorce and his wife was still in a relationship with the OM to boot. I don't believe I acted inappropriately in my case. I just don't. I do accept that circumstances have changed though, as much as it hurts. And once again, I realize he has made his choice. Loud and clear. I am not trying to change his mind. Our relationship is over. I will maintain NC as I know it's the right thing to do, and through my own tears, I wish him the best.

 

I understand how you feel. He was doing all that needed to be done towards the divorce but still ran back to her when she told him she wanted to try again. I don't think your actions were improper at all. He was actually moving in the right direction. Even she had a boyfriend.

 

What he did to you wasn't right. And this might not be a popular belief among us formerly betrayeds, but I think he will run back to you once you go complete NC for your own sanity. He wants you in his life, and his sticking it to his W by keeping a relationship with you while he tells he is willing to reconcile. You deserve better than that, and once he's told how this diminishes you and the relationship that you were building when he thought he was getting divorced, he will likely stop with this farce and make a REAL decision.

[Karma101]

He wants you in his life, and his sticking it to his W by keeping a relationship with you while he tells he is willing to reconcile.

 

I am heartbroken, but not stupid! As much as I hate to admit it, he is maintaining just enough contact with me to keep the door open in case it doesn't work out with her. Do I think he's being intentionally selfish? Not really. I think he's confused and as shocked at his wife's change of heart as me, and understandably a bit skeptical as well. He was torn about giving up the "known" with me to go back to the "unknown" with her. After almost 2 years of separation, they need to get to know each other again. Their relationship will never be the same. Honestly, this is their first attempt at reconciliation. Maybe she has changed. Maybe not. I realize now that he was clearly NOT ready to divorce, as much as he may have thought/hoped he was. He would have always had doubts in the back of his mind... Feelings of "What if?" that would have hung over any subsequent relationship, whether with me or anyone else.