ed-205 Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 Actually, in my case I think I do know the answer -- it really wasn't me even though for several months I wallowed in self-blame. What had I done? What did she have that I didn't? etc. I guess I was more interested in hearing what ed-205 meant. The rest of my post was me kinda thinking out loud -- I had forgotten that my ex had said all that stuff. While we were married and she was cheating on me, I found out that as long as I pretended to believe everything she told me, she eventually told me everything I wanted to know, she simply reversed the facts. I guess she was too lazy to come up with something more creative, but when she staggered in at 2AM and said something like "I wasn't out drinking with that guy from the bowling alley!", it became pretty obvious. Then, there were times when she would almost involuntarily blurt out something like, "I'd never sleep with that guy from work!", and again it was pretty obvious. I suppose the guilt got to her, and she felt the need to deny her activities even though I never asked her about them in the first place. When someone says you're "too clingy", it's the same as saying "I don't want you to cling to me anymore". Lastly, there's this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t165647/ In the end, I realized I didn't really want to know all the gory details of what and why, just the end result told me everything I *needed* to know. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne1 Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 Well I got my truth from the ex, she finnally told me a couple of weeks ago. She says she had been hurt so much by other guys in the past, and I did nothing wrong, and it was her fault, she says she felt like she had to hurt me before I hurt her. She says that she also tried to be a bitch to stop herself from getting back with me, she says she got a new BF to try to help herself get over me. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne1 Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 The only issue that I find with ex's holding stuff in is, they seem to wait until your in love with them. Mostly whatever they dont like about you, or whatever is going on with them and another person has been going on for awhile, most possible during the entire relationship. But for somereason they seem to wait until you fall in love, I guess they know if they pulled a stunt like that in the 1st few weeks or months they would be toast and you would easily walk away. Has anyone noticed this pattern? Link to post Share on other sites
Intergalactic Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 i do know. it hurt. i'm glad i know, but it doesn't change A THING. at the end of the day, we're still broken up. knowing the truth didn't change how heartbroken i am. of course, i told him i could change all those things that made him lose the "spark". i could lose the weight, i could get psychiatric help, i could become stable. i could even change my ****ing hair colour. but what i can't do is make him forgive me for lying to him, no matter how small that lie was - still a lie. he has to do that ON HIS OWN. i can't make him want a relationship right now, when he simply doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Intergalactic Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 this was my discontent as well. When he and i had our last conversation... He told me that he had gotten frightened off because i seemed a bit clingy. I was like "well, why didn't you tell me this back then, when there was actually a chance i could have done something about it? You pretended like everything was okay between us, and then starting shutting down on me... So how was i supposed to know that you were getting uncomfortable? Why didn't you just tell me how you were feeling, and i would have given you all the space you needed?" it's frustrating when you aren't given clear answers at a time when they might actually be useful to the relationship. I mean, it helps to know now for future relationships.... But if i just got some clear answers back then to how he was feeling, we might have been able to salvage that relationship. amen sista Link to post Share on other sites
nopainnogain Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 But for somereason they seem to wait until you fall in love, I guess they know if they pulled a stunt like that in the 1st few weeks or months they would be toast and you would easily walk away. Has anyone noticed this pattern? Yup I have! I dont think they do it on purpose. Its more like once they know they got us we are no longer a challenge. Thats why its important to stay mysterious , be spontanious and dont depend your happiness on anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 I got some facts, but not the entire truth. However, what I got and therapy helped me realize that I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship. I am no longer interested either in him or his truth. He was my first, and I'd love to have a good honest story to look back at, but I know he isn't capable of either saying or perceiving the truth...so this one is lost forever. I know my truth and that's enough. Link to post Share on other sites
ed-205 Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 Yup I have! I dont think they do it on purpose. Its more like once they know they got us we are no longer a challenge. Thats why its important to stay mysterious , be spontanious and dont depend your happiness on anyone else. Either that, or it's some sort of fear. They may be OK up to a certain point in a relationship, then all of a sudden they feel trapped. Perhaps they are afraid that they will fail you somehow in the long term, and decide to end it before it gets that far. In either case, however, you are pretty helpless to do anything about it, once they've made up their mind. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 Yup I have! I dont think they do it on purpose. Its more like once they know they got us we are no longer a challenge. Thats why its important to stay mysterious , be spontanious and dont depend your happiness on anyone else. Where is the line between playing games and keeping a relationship healthy? It doesn't seem very healthy for a long term relationship to "stay mysterious" to your SO indefinitely. I agree with not relying on others for your happiness but that too, I find is a fine line. When you love someone, part of your happiness DOES derive from them. I suppose the trick is making sure that not ALL of your happiness does. Link to post Share on other sites
Sysyphus28 Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 She pretty much told me everything. Then I uncovered the rest. It all hurts and makes you feel like an ass*&^*. Once you've dumped.......why kick a dead horse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ioncebelieved Posted September 29, 2008 Author Share Posted September 29, 2008 For me, there was just so many questions that I want to know. For many I guess it would not help in the least bit. I want to know what I felt was real and on her part, was not an act. I am getting over my hard feelings for her and still love her, but I am certain that I am healing and that is a wonderful thing! I could handle the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There is much I learned w/o her saying anything and from that I will grow. BTW, I AM GREAT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
nopainnogain Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 Where is the line between playing games and keeping a relationship healthy? It doesn't seem very healthy for a long term relationship to "stay mysterious" to your SO indefinitely. . Not the mysterious that your thinkin of. Just dont be predictable . Communication is key. i.e....if you do dinner and a movie all the time ,switch it up and do movie and a dinner lol Link to post Share on other sites
Intergalactic Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Either that, or it's some sort of fear. They may be OK up to a certain point in a relationship, then all of a sudden they feel trapped. Perhaps they are afraid that they will fail you somehow in the long term, and decide to end it before it gets that far. In either case, however, you are pretty helpless to do anything about it, once they've made up their mind. i would say that this gets pretty close to the core of why my relationship dissolved - he got to that point, felt that uncertainty. he expressed it a few times and i suppose i overlooked or dismissed his uncertainties as minor. Link to post Share on other sites
Sysyphus28 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 What does it matter why they didn't want you. Unless it something like you always had bad breath..............you are you. Do you want to go and re-condition yourself and adjust your personality thinking that it is what someone else may want?? Then you meet someone else and it turns out that your old sense of humor or whatever is actually thier speed. If your ex is dropping some really negative stuff on you about yourself......look in the mirror, remember who you are, don't let somebody/anybody strip you of your pride. You have one life....this is it everyone....and you don;t have to answer to someone you thought loved you. Cause guess what! they don't now!......you are on some forum site grieving over them like they S&^* gold! WHo are they really. A stepping stone in you getting to know you. This is rant # whatever......and it still feels good. Thats why we are here, to network, and to take the power back by a therapeutic sharing of ideas and situations! Link to post Share on other sites
RogueAC Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I would want to know the truth. My current ex gave me an “I’m broken, it’s not you, it’s me” breakup. If I knew the “truth” I could look for those red flags early on in future relationships. Oh well, I’ve stopped asking why. He’s not worth my energy or time. When I have been the dumper I probably kept a lot of the “truth” to myself because I was afraid of hurting the other person. Going forward, knowing what I know now, if (when) I am the dumper I think I will try to disclose more. Link to post Share on other sites
HopeDiesLast Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 i would say that this gets pretty close to the core of why my relationship dissolved - he got to that point, felt that uncertainty. he expressed it a few times and i suppose i overlooked or dismissed his uncertainties as minor. I'm with you on this one. Maybe the uncertainties are what led them to make this decision. but how the hell do you know if their uncertainties lead them to the break up or if the break up was so they can be certain about their doubts- one way or another?? How can you ever know?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ioncebelieved Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 I'm with you on this one. Maybe the uncertainties are what led them to make this decision. but how the hell do you know if their uncertainties lead them to the break up or if the break up was so they can be certain about their doubts- one way or another?? How can you ever know?? That is just it! Sometimes, well a lot of times there are people out there that never know. Just read some of the posts here. In my case I knew most of why we did not work, but there is still things that I do not know and would love to. It matter because it will help you grow more and try to avoid those pitfalls in the future. For once, I would want it. For some, it may not make a difference whether they were to be told or not. It may also open old wounds, but it would be worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
nopainnogain Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 WHo are they really. A stepping stone in you getting to know you. I like this saying Link to post Share on other sites
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