ioncebelieved Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Something I have pondered from time to time and a lot today. After everything was said and done with enough time for healing would you really want to know what went wrong? Would you want to know everything that you did not know? Would your ex telling you all make you worse off or better? In my case I have many unanswered questions and I would want to know!!! Not because I had hope for us, but it could quite possibly teach you for the future. There were a few things I screwed up on, but There was much more I did right. To know or to remain unknowing? Which is your vice?
Mike B. Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Something I have pondered from time to time and a lot today. After everything was said and done with enough time for healing would you really want to know what went wrong? Would you want to know everything that you did not know? Would your ex telling you all make you worse off or better? In my case I have many unanswered questions and I would want to know!!! Not because I had hope for us, but it could quite possibly teach you for the future. There were a few things I screwed up on, but There was much more I did right. To know or to remain unknowing? Which is your vice? Good question and I belive the answer depends on the situation. Lets say you had a wonderful woman and she just decided that she did not feel the same for you any longer. I would definitely want to know what with wrong because I lost a great person and know that what she would have to say would be very valuable. Now, lets say I broke up witha complete and total B**** and she left me for the next door neighbor or something then I don't want to hear any thing from her mouth...ever! She would have lost her credibility by being so cold and heartless. So, again, to put it briefly, if the person was of relatively good character and generally did right by me in the relationship, I would want to know. On the other hand, If the person lacked a moral compass or had a iffy personality, I wouldn't care to know.
dreamy1945 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Yep I would want to know every single detail.....not knowing is the worse feeling I think you can have. It's maddning!
ahhhchooo Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Yes. I'd rather face harsh reality than an imagined one. When you don't know, you tend to have all the possibilities run through your head over and over, one moment it can't be true.. the next it's the only possibility.. makes me so anxious.
superd Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 yes, I agree with the responders, what they end up telling you will probably be no where near what your imagination has cooked up.
superd Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 P.S. do you really even think that cheaters can in any real sense be truly "intimate" with someone else? I doubt it, not from what I have seen. Mostly, cheaters don't love you and the sex they are having on the side is "emotionless" porno-sex.
Author ioncebelieved Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 P.S. do you really even think that cheaters can in any real sense be truly "intimate" with someone else? I doubt it, not from what I have seen. Mostly, cheaters don't love you and the sex they are having on the side is "emotionless" porno-sex. Sometimes that may be true depending on the side of cheating you are on. At first my original question might have seen silly or obvious. But the point you make falls into this category easily!! Would you rather be left coming up with your own reason things happened or would you want to know what you were to someone. Sure it is easy to say why does it matter now that you are over it. It matters because what you are told could help you tremendously. Since you were left with next to nothing, getting what exactly happened could help you for future relationships. Like I stated, there were a few things I knew I messed up on and what a lesson I was taught. To know more would be more beneficial for my growth. Take what you realized with what you needed to know and it would be the best thing an ex could do for you. This thread is mainly for the dumpee with more questions than answers.
gd26 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I found out recently (1.5 month ago) from the guy I liked why he left me. I was trying to get answers from him all summer why he was acting distant... but he wouldn't give me a straight answer. He kept pretending like nothing was wrong, although he kept pushing me away... which was really confusing to me. Not understanding his strange behavior was much worse... because I assumed it was something I did, and as a result, I continued to pursue him (with long emails) trying to explain myself etc etc... which only made me appear clingy and pushed him away farther. After 2 months of email exchange, I finally picked up the phone and called him. We talked through everything, and I got some answers. Even though he somewhat blamed me for him running away (saying I was too clingy)... after talking to him, I realized that his running away had as much (if not more) to do with his issues, rather than being a reflection of me. Even though the last 1.5 month of NC has been hard on me (and it still hurts), at least I was able to get closure knowing that his running away had to do with misunderstandings and compatibility issues... and wasn't all my fault. So I don't feel as guilty or as sad anymore. Yes, I am still recovering from pain... but the pain is no longer about him, but rather my need to fill emotional voids in my own life. So yes, knowing the truth about why I was abandoned did help bring me a much greater degree of closure.
gd26 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I found out recently (1.5 month ago) from the guy I liked why he left me. I was trying to get answers from him all summer why he was acting distant... but he wouldn't give me a straight answer. He kept pretending like nothing was wrong, although he kept pushing me away... which was really confusing to me. Not understanding his strange behavior was much worse... because I assumed it was something I did, and as a result, I continued to pursue him (with long emails) trying to explain myself etc etc... which only made me appear clingy and pushed him away farther. After 2 months of email exchange, I finally picked up the phone and called him. We talked through everything, and I got some answers. Even though he somewhat blamed me for him running away (saying I was too clingy)... after talking to him, I realized that his running away had as much (if not more) to do with his issues, rather than being a reflection of me. Even though the last 1.5 month of NC has been hard on me (and it still hurts), at least I was able to get closure knowing that his running away had to do with misunderstandings and compatibility issues... and wasn't all my fault. So I don't feel as guilty or as sad anymore. Yes, I am still recovering from pain... but the pain is no longer about him, but rather my need to fill emotional voids in my own life. So yes, knowing the truth about why I was abandoned did help bring me a much greater degree of closure. I was also thinking (as an earlier poster mentioned) that it depends on your relationship with the person. For example, last year I liked a different guy... who ended up being a jerk. He also ran away, but never talked to me again. So I had no closure on why he left. Although it hurt in the beginning, I was soon able to get over him because he was such a loser. So I honestly couldn't care less about why he left me, as he wasn't worth a minute of my time anyways. So in this case, I was able to develop closure on my own (without him), and I couldn't care less about his reasons why he left. On the other hand, this last guy (who I wrote about above) was truly special to me. That's why it did help me to get closure after we talked about things. So perhaps it does depend on whether you value the person enough to value that person's opinion of why you were dumped or not. If someone was a quality person, I would be interested in knowing why I was dumped, so that I don't make the same mistake in future relationships.
lofi_tokyo Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Personally, I think if you got out of a relationship, and say, talked to the person you broke up with maybe... two or three years later about WHY your broke up... it would a) be kind of a weird conversation to have and b) probably you and the person you dated wouldn't REALLY remember why you broke up 100%. Would I talk to my ex now about why we broke up? A month later? No, probably not. It would just lead to more hurt feelings. So thats why I put the date of this conversation so much further along. Anyways, I think its pretty obvious why my ex an I broke up. We were in a LDR for 2.5 years, were in college, gotta live life. Plus, he told me that I talk too loudly in restaurants and that just "bugged the **** out of him", he also said he didn't like how when I came home from work sometimes (I'm a waitress while in college), I'd talk about a ****ty table I had and how I felt mad/sad at the situation. My point is... the reasons behind a breakup could be ANYTHING, really. Maybe that person had a pet peeve (ie. talking loudly in restaurants), and that, on top of everything else, was enough to break things off. lol... who knows ;p
ed-205 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Speaking from the far-end of experience, I can say that sooner or later the truth will out, and then you will know everything you *need* to know. When dealing with an Ex, and especially a Cheating Ex, what they don't tell you is often closer to the truth than anything they actually say.
nopainnogain Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I wanted to know a lot when the break up was still fresh. But as time has passed and I have reached the point of indifference ,I really dont care. If she were to call me today and spill her guts , I would change the subject and ask "so how are you doing now"
sunshinegirl Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Speaking from the far-end of experience, I can say that sooner or later the truth will out, and then you will know everything you *need* to know. When dealing with an Ex, and especially a Cheating Ex, what they don't tell you is often closer to the truth than anything they actually say. Can you explain what you mean by this? My ex cheated on me and left me. A month before the breakup he told a friend I was a keeper, and the day we broke up he told friends that it wasn't me, it was him, that they should punch him when they saw him next.
Author ioncebelieved Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Can you explain what you mean by this? My ex cheated on me and left me. A month before the breakup he told a friend I was a keeper, and the day we broke up he told friends that it wasn't me, it was him, that they should punch him when they saw him next. I infer that you will never get the truth. Otherwise, I with you Sunshine and left a bit confused.
sunshinegirl Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I infer that you will never get the truth. Otherwise, I with you Sunshine and left a bit confused. Actually, in my case I think I do know the answer -- it really wasn't me even though for several months I wallowed in self-blame. What had I done? What did she have that I didn't? etc. I guess I was more interested in hearing what ed-205 meant. The rest of my post was me kinda thinking out loud -- I had forgotten that my ex had said all that stuff.
underpants Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Well, When I do the dumping I have no problem explaining the problems. In most cases I have attempted to address issues multiple times before hand. In cases where I have been dumped, I have honestly asked what and if there were things that he did not feel comfortable discussing. However, by the time "break up" is uttered. It is pretty serious. Yet, I am open to wanting to know if there are ways to be a better partner. It is unfortunate that sometimes these lessons can only be learned via a dissolution of a relationship. No matter which side of it you are on. The "truth" is a subjective thing in relationships. It takes time to incorporate the divisions and perceived judgements/rejection into your psyche and adjust you own personality to suit who you want to be for the next person. It isn't a quick process. At least for a relationship where real value was perceived. The easy thing is to say...they suck. The harder thing is to ask yourself why you fell for them in the first place. In some cases.
sunshinegirl Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 The easy thing is to say...they suck. The harder thing is to ask yourself why you fell for them in the first place. In some cases. Bingo. That's why I'm seeing a counselor. Why did I want a man who was uncommunicative, disconnected, and emotionally flat and I knew all of that from day 1?
Trialbyfire Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Getting caught in the "I failed" or "who's fault was it" trap, is self-defeating. If the person can't be bothered or is unable to express themselves as to why it didn't work, it's better to be apart from a non-communicator. More often than not, this is the primary reason for relationship failure.
Author ioncebelieved Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Really if you were abusive, cheating or just not a good partner then it should be apparent why things turned out in the fashion they did. What I speak of is when you gave your very best, when you were good in the relationship and do not get things answered. It would be good to hear, "I lied about this, I lied about that. I did that because of this that or that. You were too needy or you smothered me. I cheated on you because I fell out of love with you." For me, I just want to know answers more than why it did not work. Furthermore, I would want to know why was I never given a fair chance. As I heal, it will probably be moot point to as why especially when I find the real Ms. Right and Not Ms.PosingAsMsRight. When you are involved in a long term R, I feel you owe people an explanation instead of weak lines like It's me, not you.
Author ioncebelieved Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Getting caught in the "I failed" or "who's fault was it" trap, is self-defeating. If the person can't be bothered or is unable to express themselves as to why it didn't work, it's better to be apart from a non-communicator. More often than not, this is the primary reason for relationship failure. Most of the time, that is what occurs. I speak of getting the chance to find all about it. When you have questions more than answers. If someone treated you horrible and you No longer value them then of course nothing they could tell you would matter. In my case, my relationship was good, but dysfunctional. Now that we are no longer, I would want for her to come clean. For me, I would want to know things. I was good to her in every aspect. Maybe there is something she could provide me by coming clean with everything.
Trialbyfire Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 Really if you were abusive, cheating or just not a good partner then it should be apparent why things turned out in the fashion they did. What I speak of is when you gave your very best, when you were good in the relationship and do not get things answered. It would be good to hear, "I lied about this, I lied about that. I did that because of this that or that. You were too needy or you smothered me. I cheated on you because I fell out of love with you." For me, I just want to know answers more than why it did not work. Furthermore, I would want to know why was I never given a fair chance. As I heal, it will probably be moot point to as why especially when I find the real Ms. Right and Not Ms.PosingAsMsRight. When you are involved in a long term R, I feel you owe people an explanation instead of weak lines like It's me, not you. This is exactly why I'm saying that it's best to be apart from a non-communicator. If she could have/would have communicated her issues to you, while they were happening, things probably wouldn't have come to a head. It's also possible that if she had communicated them to you, you might have walked away as at that point, if there was no hope of resolution.
Ingenue Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I'm in the camp that would prefer to know why the relationship dissolved. While it wouldn't lead to closure per se, it certainly could be used as a learning experience for one's next relationship. There are certain things that deep though and introspection can lead to. And then there are the things that your imagination just magnifies. My ex absolutely refused to articulate what he felt were the issues of the relationship on my end because at the time of the email, he didn't want to introduce negativity into the discussion. Of course I think he failed to see the irony of the whole negativity aspect since he dumped me by email. I think the more important question to consider is whether your ex is able to articulate the truth to you. Sometimes, the passage of time creates a historical revisionism and our exes either gloss over or exaggerate the things that were deficient in the relationship. Some people can never face the truth and if we implore those types to tell us the "truth", what we hear will be nowhere near what actually is.
gd26 Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 This is exactly why I'm saying that it's best to be apart from a non-communicator. If she could have/would have communicated her issues to you, while they were happening, things probably wouldn't have come to a head. It's also possible that if she had communicated them to you, you might have walked away as at that point, if there was no hope of resolution. This was my discontent as well. When he and I had our last conversation... he told me that he had gotten frightened off because I seemed a bit clingy. I was like "Well, why didn't you tell me this back then, when there was actually a chance I could have done something about it? You pretended like everything was okay between us, and then starting shutting down on me... so how was I supposed to know that you were getting uncomfortable? Why didn't you just tell me how you were feeling, and I would have given you all the space you needed?" It's frustrating when you aren't given clear answers at a time when they might actually be useful to the relationship. I mean, it helps to know now for future relationships.... but if I just got some clear answers back then to how he was feeling, we might have been able to salvage that relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 This was my discontent as well. When he and I had our last conversation... he told me that he had gotten frightened off because I seemed a bit clingy. I was like "Well, why did you tell me this back then, when there was actually a chance I could have done something about it? You pretended like everything was okay between us, and then starting shutting down on me... so how was I supposed to know that you were getting uncomfortable? Why didn't you just tell me how you were feeling, and I would have given you all the space you needed?" It's frustrating when you aren't given clear answers at a time when they might actually be useful to the relationship. I mean, it helps to know now for future relationships.... but if I just got some clear answers back then to how he was feeling, we might have been able to salvage that relationship. I hear you. Unfortunately, not everyone is capable of expressing themselves or asserting personal boundaries, as at the point it happens. So...they setup unrealistic expectations and it degenerates from there.
nopainnogain Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 It's me, not you. Next time/if I hear that BS I shall respond. Yeah ,your right ."It is you and not me.You should get that checked out.Good luck."
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