mkydavid Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Hi everybody. This is my first time posting here; I'm really in need of some advice. This is going to be long. I can't stop myself from venting whenever I talk about this. I'll include a brief summary at the very bottom. If you want, you can read through the whole thing for a better idea of what's going on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'll start with some back story. As a forewarning, this may be a little long. I still have trouble writing about this without venting a little bit. My girlfriend and I have just transferred to a university after completing our two year degrees at a community college closer to our homes. The third of this month was our two and a half year anniversary. We've both been quite stressed out for some time. I've been going to school non-stop for over a year in order to obtain the credits I needed to transfer to my university as well as working. She's been having a lot of trouble with homesickness. At her house, she was always a little bit too much of a caregiver to her dad, brother and sister than she should have been. While it was stressful for her, she has missed them badly since moving out. Another problem that has developed is an issue with sex, mainly, that I want to more than she does. We were both so busy when we were still at home that it would sometimes be multiple weeks between times when we actually had the opportunity and once we got to school, she was so homesick that she often didn't feel like it. It became a sensitive issue between us because I felt like she wasn't attracted to me or something and she felt guilty and pressured because she didn't feel she was satisfying me. About two months before we got here we talked about maybe going to one of the free councilors at our school together. Despite our issues, we do love to talk and to spend time with each other. We have many similar interests and she has always felt like my best friend to me, and me to her. About three weeks ago, our problem started. She invited me over to her house to hang out but she wasn't acting like herself. I asked her what was wrong and she responded, "nothing." I asked her if that was true and she said, "no." When I got to her house we decided to take a nap because neither of us had been getting much sleep. She said that she would talk to me about what was wrong when we got up. When we woke up she still didn't seem to be acting like herself. I asked her what was wrong and told her that she could tell me anything. After a long time of trying to get it out of her, she said that she thinks she might want to take a break from our relationship. I was prepared for pretty much anything but that and I kind of lost it. I wasn't angry, I just didn't know what to do. I asked her why and she said that it was because we had just been together for so long and she was confused about things. She seemed to be avoiding something though and I remembered that she had made friends recently with a guy in one of her classes. I asked her if it really had to do with him and she said it did. She insisted that she loved me and that she didn't like this guy more than me but she felt like a horrible person by having anything resembling non-platonic feelings for another person. She said that while we were together, she didn't feel like she could get to know him and try to get rid of her feelings because she would feel guilty for being with him. She said she couldn't think of another way to do it. She wanted to take some time to try to make make her feelings go away. After that we argued and I said some hurtful things that I wish I hadn't, like telling her about my plans to propose to her in December. We have talked about getting married for a year or so, I just wanted to wait until we were on our own, away from our homes. This caused her to break down completely. I don't remember much of what happened, it's all kind of a blur. I just remember telling her not to make me wait too long for her decision and then left. Two days later I had calmed down a bit and had some time to think. I had done some reading and found that people usually set a time frame for a break, I didn't want to just sit around and be totally in the dark so I decided on a time when I would let myself talk to her, three weeks from the day of the break, on October 3rd. For a long time I couldn't figure out how this happened and I was angry at her. I did some thinking though and realized that maybe the stress we have both been experiencing could have contributed to this. We never go out and do things together anymore, when we do see each other we usually just watch a movie at her place or mine. I used to do these little romantic gestures for her like buying her favorite candy when I saw it or getting her flowers every once in a while but I realized I hadn't in several months (she does the same for me minus the flowers and plus a few other things). I also had time to think about the sex. When I was with her, we didn't have much of it and it seemed hugely important, but now that she's gone, it doesn't seem to matter as much to me anymore. What matters is her and being with her and how much I enjoy her company and just talking with her. Sex is important in a relationship but maybe not as much as I thought, maybe if I had kept in mind how much I enjoyed the other things, it would have followed. That's how it worked in the first half or more of our relationship. We never had to ask or turn each other down, it just kind of happened. I know I can't blame this all on myself (or maybe I can) but why not fix the problems I know that I can fix? I called her and asked her if she had thought about the time frame. I also apologized for the things I had said to her. She said that yes, she had thought about it, but was too scared to call me and ask me about it. She was crying and apologizing for being a horrible person also. I told her she wasn't a horrible person and that I had been thinking about talking to her again on the third. She said that it sounded good but would rather talk on the second instead. We always try to do something like a mini anniversary on the third of each month (although that too has not been happening the last few months) and she wanted to be able to do that together because she had high hopes that these feelings would be gone by then and we could be happy together again. I asked her what would happen if the feelings didn't go away though and she said she wasn't sure and that she just hoped they would. I told her that there were some things that I wanted to change in our relationship and asked her if she thought it would be a good idea to give our relationship another shot on the 2nd if she was still confused, maybe for the same period of time, three weeks. She said that it sounded like a great idea. --------------------- So the majority of the past three weeks has gone by now and the 2nd is this coming Thursday. While we went into this with the intention of not contacting each other until the 2nd, we have both broken down and called the other once and we have both sent emails to one another on multiple occasions. Also, we have been running into each other all over the place for some reason. It's really great getting to see her, she always asks to hug me and tells me how much she misses me. We say, "I love you" when we part also. I'm intent on going this last week completely without contact though (been doing pretty well so far) so our reunion will mean more on the second. It's impossible to include every conversation here that we've had that has led to what I've been thinking about doing on the second. I figure it comes down to two possibilities, the first being that she's realized she's over this guy and we get back together again (on the condition that I'll forgive her she says). The second is that she's still confused, maybe more or maybe less than when we started all this. At that point I guess we'll give dating a shot for a few weeks and see if that gets rid of the feelings for this guy. I'm going to ask her to go out to dinner with me on Thursday night but I don't know how to talk about all of this. Do we just not talk about it at all and have a fun date together like we used to? If this is the case then when do we talk about it? Do I ask her before dinner? During dinner (really don't want to do this, I don't trust myself on not getting emotional in a public setting)? Or do we have our fun date, walk around the city a little bit and then go back to her house or mine to discuss things in private? Frankly, I'm at a loss and any advice would be greatly appreciated. EDIT: Oh, I just remembered something else. Do I ask her to try and limit contact with this guy when we're together again? They have class together so that may be hard. I was in a situation similar to her about a year ago. I had this thing for a girl in one of my classes. After doing some thinking about it I realized that I didn't want to go on a break and would rather be with my girlfriend. The problem was that I still had feelings for this other girl so I purposely distanced myself from her and, eventually, they were gone completely. I'm really glad I didn't make a bad decision in that situation. ((SUMMARY: My girlfriend has developed feelings for another guy. She assures me she loves me and misses me but she feels like a horrible person by having this crush on him. She wanted the time to try and work her feelings out. We've been on a break for three weeks and are meeting on the second of october to talk. I don't know how to handle this dinner or the time afterwords and that's mainly what I'm looking for advice on.))
motive2002 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 This is a tough one. Looking in from the outside of things, it seems as though your girlfriend has got the hots for some other guy. Now the reality of the situation is that this guy is just a flash in the pan. There's no way he could hold a candle to the 2 years you've had together, and it's very likely that he really isn't all that much of a match for her. BUT, he's something new and exciting. This is bound to happen sooner or later and could have happened to either of you. Someone new and interesting comes along and gets your feathers in a ruffle. Now the fact she admitted to this is kind of curious. Why would she say she has feelings for someone else? Undoubtedly you're starting to feel the foundation crumble underneath you. She's got 2 considerations. The security of the long term relationship she has with you versus the excitement and possibility of dating new attractive people. Things have gotten slippery, and the more your try to hang on for dear life, the faster things will slip out of your hands. So, with that said, you should understand that she wants to either explore the feelings she has for someone else, or perhaps abandon them. Your actions from here on out will greatly influence what she decides to do. The more you push, the further away she's gonna get. I read somewhere that this is THE time to be the fun, laid back person you were when you first started dating. Don't brood and carry on about the relationship issues. Don't express worry or discontent. If she wants to talk about it, let her do most of the talking, but try to diffuse things quickly and carry on enjoying each other's company as soon as possible. If you barrel her down with the third degree, and keep repeating the same line of interrogation, she will split for sure. I dunno, sounds too much like games to me. I'll be honest, if a girlfriend of mine was expressing interest in someone else, I'd kindly show her the door. It would hurt like hell after such a long period of time, but there's only so much BS I'm willing to take anymore. If you really want her back DON'T try to force it. Don't ask a bunch of questions and turn all your time together into a conversation about the relationship and where it's going. Be the fun, thoughtful, great guy she fell in love with in the first place and maybe she'll forget all about this other guy. Oh and my best advice is not to take my advice as gold. I'm old, bitter and have had a lot of chicks dump me in the past because I was either brooding or spineless. Neither of which is a flattering trait. Just take it as something to chew on for now.
Author mkydavid Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 No, your advice really helped. Thanks very much. It's a refreshing change from the, "dump her now and never talk to her again" that I get so often (even though you say that's what you would do later on lol). It just seems like such a waste to just throw everything away considering all the great times we've had. If I felt like things had been going great when this happened then I definitely would have just let her go. The reality is that things weren't though and life was taking its toll on our relationship. And the fixes seem pretty easy to me now that we've had this time apart. Also, to answer your question on why she told me about the feelings. She says that it's because she felt horribly guilty having feelings for somebody else. She told me that talking with him when she felt the way she did made it feel like she was cheating on me or something. As I said, I had a similar situation in the past and I know where she's coming from in regards to the guilt. I think you're right. I'm really trying (and succeeding surprisingly) at not contacting her so we can both have this space. I think the longest we've gone during this period without accidentally running into one another or one of us contacting the other (in my defense, she has contacted me as much as I have her and not in response to me) is about four days and every time I see her afterwords I know she has genuinely missed me a lot. It's strange how worried you can get and how much you can over think things when you're apart from someone and afraid of losing them. Then, suddenly, when you see them again you remember that this is the person you've been with for so long and things get a lot easier. I figure that not pushing contact with her at all this last week will help my case a lot. Right now I'm definitely leaning towards what you suggest, just having fun on our date. Maybe go to dinner and get ice cream or something then walk her back to her place. This is a big elephant in the corner though, hopefully she'll bring it up and I won't have to later. Thanks again
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