herbruisedheart Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I just joined these boards because reading all the other threads in this section really helped me. However, I'd like to get some advice/encouragement on my specific situation. The MM I'm in love with is my neighbor. I've known him since I've moved into this house (about 6 years ago). He was always married, so other than the occasional wave hello, we did not have contact. I ran into him in a bar last year & he told me he was going through a divorce. This surprised me, because he and his wife always seemed happy. Anyway.. I know he was not lying about this because she did move out for a few months. After telling me this, we had a few drinks and ended up talking all night. I went back to his house & from that night until a few months ago, we spent many amazing times together & I fell in love with him. About 3 months or so ago, I stopped seeing him out, & shortly thereafter, I noticed his wife's car was back in his driveway quite frequently. She has since moved back in & I've been told they decided not to go through with the divorce. I AM very heartbroken. However, the rational side of me is glad this happened because I know the relationship would have ended in heartache anyway. I know I deserve someone's undivided attention & I know I will find that someday. The hard part is putting all this behind me. No contact is easy for me - I don't contact him & he doesn't contact me. But I do have to see him every day - out in the yard with his wife, driving his car with his wife, doing everything with his wife. That's really hard for me to see because as much as I know it's wrong, a part of me wishes it was me over there with him. So I guess my question is.. how do I get past this? How do I see him every day without feeling like my heart is breaking into little pieces? How do I make myself realize that I'm better than this situation? I guess time is the only thing that will heal, but it'd be much easier if I never had to see his face again. Wow, that felt really good to get all that out. I'm sure the advice I'm going to get will help, but I feel a lot better now that I just got all those feelings out in the open. If anyone is actually still reading this babbling post, thank you.
Author herbruisedheart Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I'm guessing because his wife came back. He pretty much just stopped contacting me & I refused to be the one to call him. We were never open about our relationship because this is such a small town where everyone knows everyone's business, so we'd just meet every weekend at the same place and go back to his house after awhile. He stopped meeting me there, stopped calling, was never outside. That went on for about a week & then his wife moved back in. So on top of missing the time we spent together, I feel betrayed/abandoned/ignored. Which in the grand scheme of things, makes it a little bit easier, because it shows what kind of person he is.
blueberry Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 , I feel betrayed/abandoned/ignored. Which in the grand scheme of things, makes it a little bit easier, because it shows what kind of person he is. Absolutely. What a prat. He took the cowards way out which is much more difficult to deal with as you haven't had any closure - no rhyme, nor reason. What you guessed is probably correct, he stopped as his wife was coming home. But he most definately owed it to you to at least have a conversation about it. Not that it would have made it any easier, but at least you wouldn't have felt so used. You'd still be hurting though. You have to concentrate on rebuilding your self-esteem first and foremost. You've already proven to yourself that you are strong enough to not contact him. Try not to let him see you looking when you see him out in the yard or driving by. No wistful looks, no curtain-twitching. You've had a real blow. So first things first - start rebuilding the love you have for yourself. Try and "GAL" (Get a Life) - go out lots, have friends over for dinner. Play music loudly and let him *see* you getting on with your fine self. Fake it till you make it. By not calling you've already shown dignity and strength. He has done the opposite by not giving you that closure. I know that doesn't stop you from loving him but it's a place to start from. And don't think for one second his wife and him are back on track. Should she move out again though, for Gods sake, don't fall back into his bed. Men are hunters. Let him hunt. Keep on keeping on and keep us updated.
Reggie Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Any chance you can move? I thinkthis type of thing is much easier if you don't have to see the person. Seems this type of thing happens a lot with the divorce not finalized. I've been approached by a woman claiming she is divorcing and her husband is just like a roomate. She's attractive, but I just decided that I will have a hard and fast rule to never get involved iwth someone that is still married. It just makes things so much simpler. If you can't move, just avoid as best you can. It willtake a fair amount of time, but the pain will lessen.
blueberry Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Why should she move? Running away never solves anything. Sorry, but it just annoys me when people suggest moving / leaving jobs, etc. She was big enough to get into this situation, and she will be big enough to get herself out of it. You have to learn to stay and face your demons - and if she does, she will be bigger, better, faster and stronger as a result.
Reggie Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Sorry to annoy you. But, she asked for suggestions. Obviously, she has no obligation to move and she is facing this. But, she expressed increased pain with seeing him. I would not move it it was a big inconvenience or a big financial hit. It's a cost benefit analysis that only she can make. I would not view it as running from her demons, merely making herself more comfortable and lessening the pain if the benefit outweighs the cost. Other than that, I can think of nothing additional that can be done except riding it out and letting time do its thing.
Author herbruisedheart Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 No, it's not possible for me to move. I just graduated college & am living with my parents until I make enough money to move out on my own. And even if I could, I wouldn't. I'm not letting him win this. And like blueberry said, I was big enough to get myself into this situation, I will be big enough to get out of it. I do appreciate your advice though.. people view things differently. & blueberry, your advice was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm going to get out as much as possible so he sees that I'm not at home, dwelling over him. I've already picked up extra hours at work to keep me occupied.. now I need to work on the social aspect of things. I'm viewing this as a challenge for me, & I think it will be fun!
Meaplus3 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I just joined these boards because reading all the other threads in this section really helped me. However, I'd like to get some advice/encouragement on my specific situation. The MM I'm in love with is my neighbor. I've known him since I've moved into this house (about 6 years ago). He was always married, so other than the occasional wave hello, we did not have contact. I ran into him in a bar last year & he told me he was going through a divorce. This surprised me, because he and his wife always seemed happy. Anyway.. I know he was not lying about this because she did move out for a few months. After telling me this, we had a few drinks and ended up talking all night. I went back to his house & from that night until a few months ago, we spent many amazing times together & I fell in love with him. About 3 months or so ago, I stopped seeing him out, & shortly thereafter, I noticed his wife's car was back in his driveway quite frequently. She has since moved back in & I've been told they decided not to go through with the divorce. I AM very heartbroken. However, the rational side of me is glad this happened because I know the relationship would have ended in heartache anyway. I know I deserve someone's undivided attention & I know I will find that someday. The hard part is putting all this behind me. No contact is easy for me - I don't contact him & he doesn't contact me. But I do have to see him every day - out in the yard with his wife, driving his car with his wife, doing everything with his wife. That's really hard for me to see because as much as I know it's wrong, a part of me wishes it was me over there with him. So I guess my question is.. how do I get past this? How do I see him every day without feeling like my heart is breaking into little pieces? How do I make myself realize that I'm better than this situation? I guess time is the only thing that will heal, but it'd be much easier if I never had to see his face again. Wow, that felt really good to get all that out. I'm sure the advice I'm going to get will help, but I feel a lot better now that I just got all those feelings out in the open. If anyone is actually still reading this babbling post, thank you. WOW your post just brought back some memories for me. I had an 18 month long ea with my nextdoor married neighbor. I fell in love with the guy and got my heart ripped right out of me when I realized I had been played. He did not leave his wife, I ended up confessing the ea to my H it was a real mess!! Now.. I realize it's very hard to have to see him everyday because of the proximity However, there are a couple things you can do. First you can try changing your schedule around a little bit if possible to avoid having to see him. Sort of like "out of sight out of mind" this can be effective at the start of NC. Also, even if your tempted to look his way simply don't. It hurt like H*** for me to see Xmm with his wife but then again I was inflicting the torture on myself by looking....so don't look. If this MM's wife has returned then clearly they are trying to work things out. Your best bet is to stay away and keep up with NC. I feel your pain but you can get passed this. You just need to stay strong and believe in yourself. Best wishes. AP:)
Author herbruisedheart Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 It's nice to see someone else had to go through the neighbor thing. Honestly, if this was just some guy I could never see again, I would be further along right now. But, it is what it is. And what you said about not looking.. makes sense. I get so angry/jealous when I see them doing things together, but it's really my fault for looking... so from now on, I'll have my blinders on when I'm outside. Thanks for the advice.
Meaplus3 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 It's nice to see someone else had to go through the neighbor thing. Honestly, if this was just some guy I could never see again, I would be further along right now. But, it is what it is. And what you said about not looking.. makes sense. I get so angry/jealous when I see them doing things together, but it's really my fault for looking... so from now on, I'll have my blinders on when I'm outside. Thanks for the advice. Your welcome. I understand the anger and jealous feelings all to well. But think of it this way. He got involved with you while married so what kind of prize is he?? Now his wife is left to deal with him. Try and think about the negatives when you feel the anger and jealous feelings it helps. AP:)
Author herbruisedheart Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 ^yeah, I've been doing better with the negative thing. she has NO idea about anything obviously, & she came over last month to invite me to his birthday party. it took everything I had to not laugh in her face, haha. but anyway, I just remember I used to be SUPER jealous, but lately, when I see her/talk to her, I always think to myself, "that poor woman has to deal with him."
Reggie Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Good advice re keeping yourself busy and changing schedules to the extent possible. I don't understand the desire tolaugh at his wife, though. Did she do something to hurt you? Seems like it was a nice, neighborly gesture on her part, inviting you. What's up with the hostility toward her?
Author herbruisedheart Posted September 29, 2008 Author Posted September 29, 2008 Good advice re keeping yourself busy and changing schedules to the extent possible. I don't understand the desire tolaugh at his wife, though. Did she do something to hurt you? Seems like it was a nice, neighborly gesture on her part, inviting you. What's up with the hostility toward her? My hostility towards her doesn't really make sense to me either. She never did anything awful to me. She did do awful things to my xMM. but I guess that's really none of my business. My hostility is probably my defense.. my own way of hiding my jealousy that I pretend I don't have. Who knows. None of my feelings in this situation make sense, so it's hard to me to explain myself. I'm sure you guys know exactly where I'm coming from.
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 She did do awful things to my xMM. You only heard one side of it. His side and the side which more than likely made him look like the good guy who could do no wrong and she was the evil witch. It takes two to make a marriage fail. He is just as responsible for the problems in the marriage as she is. Keep busy, try your best NOT to pay attention to what goes on nextdoor. Be with friends, family and live your life, focus on your work, school, whatever - Don't contact him and definately try to not fantasize and wish you were there instead of his wife. They have a history together, a life built, friends, family entwined. You can't compare what you shared with him during her absense to what they've shared in their marriage.
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