aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Ok, so me and my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months were perfectly fine. We do live 40 miles away from each other, but we do manage to see each other EVERY single weekend, and he either stays at my house the whole weekend or visa versa. Everything between us was going great, even on Tuesday night he was saying how much he loves me and would never want to let us go. Wednesday around 4 pm he called me and said "I think we should break up" I asked why, he told me because "he didn't want a girlfriend". I was very confused, and he was just like "it's over, bye!" and hung up. He wouldn't answer my calls and he texted me saying "stop calling and leaving voicemails, i'm over you, move on. it was great while it lasted, bye" It hurt so much to hear that out of NO WHERE. The next day comes around, he says we can MAYBE be friends and he isn't in love with me anymore, and he still loves and cares about me. After the next day comes around, he tells me he doesn't want me in his life at all, he's moved on, and doesn't love or care about me at all anymore. I am so confused, and hurt and betrayed. He said he'd never let me go just a few days before and we had planned to go to college together and get married and have children.. I thought he was my one and only. Today is the fourth day I am without him, and I talked to him two days ago last. He said he did not think about me the whole day and he's not sad. I have been crying non-stop and don't understand this whole thing. Our whole relationship was wonderful. Nothing bad happened and we were perfect for each other. What should I do? And will he come back to me? Why did he do this?
Vertex Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I am sorry you are feeling this way :/ That is certainly a slap in the face. I don't know how old you are, but I will assume you both are in high school since you guys have not yet gone to college. Just going off your post, I have no more information than you do. It sounds like everything was fine and he just decided to bail out. Now, the question is whether or not your assumptions were correct. Were things going fine for both of you, or just for you? Were there any issues he had/anything he was compromising on that he may have just changed his mind about? Distance may have been one such factor -- living 40 miles apart can do damage to a relationship if you're not careful. It's possible that he got tired of being apart so much. Usually, in those cases, things tend to decline for a while before an inevitable breakup occurs. However, if things were actually fine up until recently (no evidence of decline), then it is possible that he met somebody else closeby and just decided to bail on this relationship because of the distance issue. There are a million things that could have happened. But, again, the fact that this happened suddenly is usually indicative that something came up and he chose to pursue that route instead. Again, there's nothing we can do here but speculate. The only thing I can suggest is that someone who is willing to give you such loving words and then immediately turn around and bail on you so coldly is not someone who has your best interests in mind. You could try asking him if his feelings were waning over time, or if this was some sudden realization. Or, did something happen recently that caused him to change his mind about the relationship? Was it distance? Some other issue? Why does he suddenly feel as if "he doesn't want a girlfriend"? Is it too much responsibility? Does he want to focus on other things? Is he not ready to commit? Is he fearful about what would happen in the future with the onset of college? I think you, at the very least, deserve an explanation. Again I am sorry you are going through so much pain. It can be hard losing someone you care for, and believe me, I've lost a lot of people I've cared for.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I agree with you when you say at the very least I deserve an explanation. He said he was not feeling like he was losing feelings for me, and he said it was just out of no where. He has promised me there were no other girls he likes and he just wants to be single. I am very much lost, and am trying not to talk to him because I have heard distance from your loved one is key, so do you think he will call or miss me? I am so scared.
Vertex Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 The best way to heal after a breakup is definitely distance. Don't contact them, don't read any of their blogs if they have any, don't look at their Facebook, don't call them/text them/IM them, make mutual plans, etc. Any of these things can perpetuate interaction which prevents people from getting over a breakup. Focus on yourself. Go hang out with friends -- do things you find enjoyable. It's really, really hard, but it's arguably the best form of damage control.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Yeah I'm trying to. I didn't go to school Friday and I'm not planning on going to school tomorrow. I am too torn up to go to school. Everytime I hang out with friends, I end up crying and I feel as though I'm ruining their time. Do you think he has thought about me?
Vertex Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think going to school would actually help more than hurt, although it's understandable to want to stay indoors by yourself while you let it all out. However, being around friends is a good way to alleviate stress and take your mind off things. Please, at least, consider that much. Everyone grieves differently, but not going to school and being sad all day is going to make healing take much, much longer. When you have no happiness or energy, being around people that care about you is a good way to help gain back some of that energy. My girlfriend recently dumped me, and I'm finding that I am hurting the most when I stay inside and grieve. When I get out and about, I feel better. There's really no easy way out of it -- breakups are tough and hard to get through, especially if you were the one who was dumped. All I can suggest to you is to surround yourself with people you love and friends who can give you energy. Also, do your best to avoid talking to this guy. Realize that every time you speak to him, you're simply prolonging how long it takes to get over it all. It's pretty clear that you are both after different things right now. Trying to reconcile that difference would be costly. I think trying to move on would be your safest bet.
shadowplay Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I'd say the chances are 90% that there's another person. In my life I've also been shocked by how common it is for people to say one thing one day and the complete opposite the next. Usually it's a sign of emotional immaturity, which would make sense given his age.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I know, I'm not going to speak to him, but my mom is going to call his mom to arrange me getting my things back from him. It is just very hard not to think about him or talk to him when everything reminds me of him. What happened with you and your gf though? How long were you two together?
shadowplay Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I know, I'm not going to speak to him, but my mom is going to call his mom to arrange me getting my things back from him. It is just very hard not to think about him or talk to him when everything reminds me of him. What happened with you and your gf though? How long were you two together? How old are you guys? It's also possible he was ambivalent and one of his friends encouraged him to break up with you, pushing him over the edge. Young people are really susceptible to peer pressure.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 He told me he went to the pool with two girls for 5 hours Friday, but he said he does not like them and told them in advance he does not want a girlfriend. I do believe him, because right now he doesn't even care about how I'm feeling so why would he lie to me? My mom talked to his mom and she said it was because he just wants to not have a girlfriend and study in school. What other things is there besides another girl? Because I know that isn't it.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 How old are you guys? It's also possible he was ambivalent and one of his friends encouraged him to break up with you, pushing him over the edge. Young people are really susceptible to peer pressure. We are both 15, and he moved about 2 months ago so he doesn't really have any STABLE friends at the moment. I was his only best friend and the only person he basically talked to.
norajane Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 on Tuesday night he was saying how much he loves me and would never want to let us go. Wednesday around 4 pm he called me and said "I think we should break up" he was just like "it's over, bye!" and hung up. He wouldn't answer my calls and he texted me saying "stop calling and leaving voicemails, i'm over you, move on. it was great while it lasted, bye" he tells me he doesn't want me in his life at all, he's moved on, and doesn't love or care about me at all anymore. I'm sorry this has happened to you and you feel so sad. I'd get angry if I were you. Anger has a way of helping you get through the worst of the pain, until time helps you process and move on. To me, this kind of sudden turnaround sounds like he met someone else. Maybe that Wednesday, or maybe it was on Wednesday that whoever he'd had his eye on accepted his request for date. Be cautious. He may come back to you when that other relationship fizzles. If I were you, I wouldn't stay friends with him now, absolutely not. Not only is it too painful, but HE IS NOT a friend. Friends don't treat each other like this after a year long relationship. He is not showing you any respect. DO NOT AGREE TO BE "FRIENDS". Friends, to him, means fall-back girl. Don't be his fall back girl. Don't take him back if he wants it, and don't talk to him anymore. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices.
shadowplay Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 We are both 15, and he moved about 2 months ago so he doesn't really have any STABLE friends at the moment. I was his only best friend and the only person he basically talked to. If he's 15 he's very emotionally underdeveloped and probably has no clue what he wants.
norajane Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 We are both 15, and he moved about 2 months ago so he doesn't really have any STABLE friends at the moment. I was his only best friend and the only person he basically talked to. Then I'd say it's almost certain that he met another girl and that's why he dumped you like that.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I'm sorry this has happened to you and you feel so sad. I'd get angry if I were you. Anger has a way of helping you get through the worst of the pain, until time helps you process and move on. To me, this kind of sudden turnaround sounds like he met someone else. Maybe that Wednesday, or maybe it was on Wednesday that whoever he'd had his eye on accepted his request for date. Be cautious. He may come back to you when that other relationship fizzles. If I were you, I wouldn't stay friends with him now, absolutely not. Not only is it too painful, but HE IS NOT a friend. Friends don't treat each other like this after a year long relationship. He is not showing you any respect. DO NOT AGREE TO BE "FRIENDS". Friends, to him, means fall-back girl. Don't be his fall back girl. Don't take him back if he wants it, and don't talk to him anymore. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Honestly in my heart, I don't think there is another girl. But he was in love with me, how could he develop feelings for someone else like that?
norajane Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 He told me he went to the pool with two girls for 5 hours Friday, but he said he does not like them and told them in advance he does not want a girlfriend. I do believe him, because right now he doesn't even care about how I'm feeling so why would he lie to me? My mom talked to his mom and she said it was because he just wants to not have a girlfriend and study in school. What other things is there besides another girl? Because I know that isn't it. Yeah, sorry, 15 year old guys aren't about not having girlfriends and studying in school. That's the lie he told his mom about why he broke up with you. He may be seeing from his little trip to the pool that girls are interested in him, so he wants to play the field on his new-found power trip. Meaning, he doesn't want A gf; he wants MANY girls to hook up with.
Vertex Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I don't necessarily think there is someone else. It's a very likely possibility, but it is also possible that the relationship is putting too much pressure on him, and he wants to focus on his schooling and not deal with a long-distance relationship. Again, we don't know for sure. But, oh man, 15? Nobody knows what the heck they want at age 15, even if they think they do. People just aren't equipped for a mature emotional relationship at that age. In any case, moving on is likely your best bet, no matter what his excuse may be. To answer your other question, I'm a 21-year-old college senior (almost 22), and I was with my girlfriend for a bit over two years. Before that I was with another woman for two years. Sometimes people aren't emotionally capable of handling a mature relationship. It happens.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I don't necessarily think there is someone else. It's a very likely possibility, but it is also possible that the relationship is putting too much pressure on him, and he wants to focus on his schooling and not deal with a long-distance relationship. Again, we don't know for sure. But, oh man, 15? Nobody knows what the heck they want at age 15, even if they think they do. People just aren't equipped for a mature emotional relationship at that age. In any case, moving on is likely your best bet, no matter what his excuse may be. To answer your other question, I'm a 21-year-old college senior (almost 22), and I was with my girlfriend for a bit over two years. Before that I was with another woman for two years. Sometimes people aren't emotionally capable of handling a mature relationship. It happens. Oh, I'm sorry about your relationship :/ But I know what I want and I am 15. I want him, and only him. I can't ever imagine kissing anyone else or anything like that. I'm scared I will never feel love like I did with him again. I thought he was deffinitely "the one." And I really do not think it is another girl also. If he wants to get back together with me, what should I say? But what if he doesn't ever call me or anything again?
Vertex Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 This may be hard to accept, but believe me -- at age 15, you are just at the very beginning. There will be others, and I am 100% certain of this. When I was 15... even 16, I began having relationships with women. I had a one-year relationship at age 16 that ended up not working out. At the time, I could only imagine her being "the one" for me. It felt like I'd never find anyone else. Even now, at 21, after my most recent breakup, I wonder if I will find anyone new anytime soon. I think these are thoughts we always have in the face of the inherent uncertainty of the future. But it's never realistic to make such assumptions. Especially if that avatar is of your real face, haha. If that is you, you are indeed a very pretty girl! Trust me, things may suck right now, but they'll get better. Whenever something doesn't work out for me, at least I know I learned many new valuable things that I can take with me to my next relationship. It's a constant process of fine-tuning and learning. It's something you really only learn with time. Again, I think for now, moving on is your best bet. Just take it one step at a time.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Yeah, I think taking it one step at a time would be in my best interest. But I just can't HELP but to think of how our future was supposed to be, and all the memories we have. It is SO hard, unimaginably hard. But honestly, do you think he is thinking about me? And what happened with your one year relationship at age 16? How long did it take you to move on? And yes, that is my real face But I think I am very ugly! :/
Vertex Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 "But I just can't HELP but to think of how our future was supposed to be, and all the memories we have." Ah, I hear you on that one. A lot of the time, what makes me upset over a breakup is the opportunity cost. I don't like thinking of all the good things that *could* have happened that are no longer possible with a breakup. As for the relationship at age 16, it took me a few months to truly get over it. By then I had met other people and taken my mind off it, and life, more or less, resumed normality. Again, same will likely happen for you too.
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 God I hope so. I can only pray now. I just don't get how someone could be so heartless. Do you think he could just fall out of love and not care about me that fast?
ninjaturtles Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Honey, I am so sorry you are hurting. The truth is, this guy is only 15 years old. He is not emotionally mature enough to fully appreciate the true value of a loving relationship with a decent girl. Heck, when I was 15, I dated someone older than myself. I think he was 17 or so. You must be hurting and wondering why he is behaving so cruel. Well, for now you may not know...but with time you will begin to see things from a different perspective. You will gain some insight as to his motives/reasons for his behaviour. I can however deduce from your posts, that this guy is simply an immature 15 year old guy, who probably felt the strain of the relationship and wanted to be single and free again. He is so young..I doubt he even knows what he wants. It is going to be hard especially as you have so many unanswered questions. I felt that way as way, when my EX broke up with me unexpectedly. I had so many unaswered questions and I longed for closure. I discovered one thing along the way, closure comes from within. Once I accepted that break ups are inevitable and part of life, once I accepted that perhaps he just didnt want a relationship with me for whatever reasons (maybe bad timing, boredom...I dont know..but it does NOT matter)...I decided to take charge of my life. Take it a day at a time. It will take time but you are still so young with a lot of exciting experiences awaiting you. Girl, I bet you that this time next year you will look at this post and laugh. PS- Go to school! You need to confront your fear hunny. Kepp posting. PPS- Sometimes we never know why guys behave the way they behave. It really doesn't matter anyway, but I am very sure he thinks about you and misses you from time to time. He is human you know. xxx
Author aimeeg Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Thank you for that I am trying to find a boy to keep my mind off of him haha. I don't know what else to do. I feel as though I just want to go out and do something, and then go to sleep. It sucks big time :/
Karma101 Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Heartbreak is heartbreak, no matter how old you are! I remember feeling the same exact way about my HS boyfriend. We broke up during his Freshman year in college after having been together for just over 3 years. I'm scared I will never feel love like I did with him again. If it makes you feel any better, I am 37 and feel the same exact way right now after ending a recent relationship. As much as it sucks, you will find love again. Several, I'm sure. You just wait!
Recommended Posts