autumnminty Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 My partner of 5 years left me a month ago for someone he had been having an affair with for a few months. They have known each other for years. He tells everyone how happy he is but will not sit down with me to discuss why this has happened nor will he consider a reconciliation. On the few occasions that he has visited me, he does nothing but cry, and tell me what pain he is in without me and how much he misses me, but that he has to make his new relationship work - and not our marriage. The last time we were face to face I asked him if he knew what he was doing as we are preparing for divorce, and he said no and that he was not especially happy, was very affectionate towards me. Since then he has become cold again, saying that he is just in grief because his marriage has failed. Do you thing his behaviour is that of someone playing mind games? Or someone genuinely confused? Can someone grieve who has gone from one relationship into another? or does this sound like mind games? Help please
Touche Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 What am confused about is why'd you even care WHAT it is..confusion, mind games, etc. Who cares? The bottom line is that he's not 100% committed to you or to the marriage. Why would you even want to be with someone like that? That said, yes he sounds confused. How does that help you, knowing that? He's still not completely committed to you. I'd let him go now. If you really want to make this work, let him go and tell him when he's 100% ready to commit to the marriage and to you, maybe you'll be around when he comes back. Have you both considered marriage counseling? I wish you the best and I'm sorry for your pain.
Author autumnminty Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 He won't consider counselling as like I say he says he has to make this new relationship work, even though he has the legal commitment to me. He says that he has to try and develop the feelings for her that he has (still) for me, and that he needs to decide whether he is grieving for the end of his marriage or regretting his decision. He has not taken any of his things though he has access to the house, and is making no move towards a divorce yet. I know I shouldnt care what he thinks but i never wanted to have a failed marriage.
Touche Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 No one wants to have a failed marriage. But sometimes that's what you have to have in order to attain a successful one. Anyway this is sad. You really need to take back the control here. Why are you leaving it all up to him? He's obviously not ready for marriage.
superd Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I agree somewhat with touche here. I also think that you need to get stronger because it is pretty "weak" to secretly want a man that seems to mostly say that he doesn't want you and who has cheated on you. Sometimes, you just have to call a dog for what he is. I, like in an earlier "infamous" post of mine, will say that I am a little suspicious of even your motivations on this post, but all I can say is for once and for all in your life, do the right thing.
Author autumnminty Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 I guess at the moment it is my own sense of failure that is stopping me from acting further - and I guess the hope that having forced the pair of them to live together after only 3 months of being in a relationship will open up some holes - and that the honeymoon period may make him regret his decision. Until this affair we had what seemed to be, to us and others the perfect relationship - something he is ironically telling other people that he has now. What i would hate is that this new relationship becomes the lifelong one for him!
Author autumnminty Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Sorry what do you mean suspicous motivations? this has never happened to me before and I am just confused and seeking advice.
Touche Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Sorry what do you mean suspicous motivations? this has never happened to me before and I am just confused and seeking advice. Your only hope is to kick the bum out. Why you'd want him back is beyond me, but it's your only hope. Tell him to come pick up his stuff. Then live your life and see if the bum doesn't come crawling back. I believe your story. (Superd, it's not great etiquette to question people's stories on here. Autumn is clearly looking for some support here. )
Author autumnminty Posted September 28, 2008 Author Posted September 28, 2008 Thank you Touche, the story is not unreal and am just trying to make some sense of things
Touche Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 Thank you Touche, the story is not unreal and am just trying to make some sense of things No problem. Just vent all you need to and read some of the other threads about people in your same situation.
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